To not let ds go to this party

[elmofan]

Hi , my ds has gone through a very hard time recently , bullied very badly in school (physically) his friend in school has invited all the boys from ds's class to his birthday party tomorrow , ds wants to go but this would mean that he will be outdoors(bouncy castle) along with the bully , we have had to push his school to act on dealing with bully & now have an arrangement where bully gets kept back at home time so ds gets to come down to where i wait for him in car park safely we just dont feel comfortable with ds being any where near x as x is very violent . ds thinks we are being horrible , i have told ds that we will have a fun day out tomorrow instead (cinema,meal out etc) but he is upset , i can not talk to the birthday boys mum either as she is good friends with x's mum . Also after kicking up a HUGE fuss with the school about keeping ds safe whilst in their care i reckon it would look very contradicting of me to let ds attend a party knowing x will be there . AIBU - i feel terrible that ds has to miss out though .

I would let him go, but mabey explain to the parents to keep an eye on the situation, also does not have to go for all the party. If he wants to go let him, its his call, he cannot keep hiding himself away and not have a life poor thing. Why doesnt he take up a martial art as a confidence booster anyway, and it will help him defend himself is he is ever attaked.

Sorry, but WHY can't you talk to the Hosting Mum? It's not like you are gossiping, spreading lies, this is not just a playground scuffle, this X is a danger!

AT 11, you can't be there all the time for him, he HAS to be able to stand up for himself, if that is what he wants to do.

My gut feel (but I'm not 11 ) is that he shouldn't put himself into a situation where he may be subjected to more death threats, more violence, and without any expectation of back up from his peers.

Unless the hosting mum can be told the truth, and your fears, and she assures you that a very close eye will be kept on X, then tbh, I don't think you can rightly let him go, it does seem hypocritical, and sending confusing messages. If you decide NOT to allow him to go, make sure you tell the host why, X doesn't need anyone enabling or covering for him, which is what you would be doing if you flannel over why your DS won't be attending.

I take it that the parents of X are not at all bothered about the fact that their precious little thug darling is going around battering other children??, and that perhaps as a punishment he ought to skip the party?????

i second the bbq & sleep over idea.

I've just realised who you are and tbh i dont think i'd let him go. It just wouldnt be safe even with you or other adults there.

the birthday boy's parents last year had two children crying & with bloody noses when i arrived to collect ds , at first i thought it was because of them banging into each other on the bouncy castle only to be told by birthday boys mum that in fact x had punched them
i now have dh refusing to let ds go & ds has gone to his room sulking agggggggggghhhhhhhh

i didn't think you were being precious at all, i just forget how vicious children can be. whatever you decide to do, i hope your ds has lots of fun

I am that if this x caused so much trouble last year that birthday boy's Mum would take the risk of inviting him again!

Do they not care whether the other guests have a safe and happy time!

So he has been invited by a friend?
Surely you can talk to the mother then?

And why has she invited the bully?

LMHF - birthday boys mum is friends with x's mum therefore if i tell her why i dont want ds to go i could nearly guarantee it would get back to x's mum & tbh i dont want to add fuel to the fire with this situation . x's mum has already had a go at me for trying to get her ds kicked out of school as he was thrown out of 2 other schools before joining ds's school .

Why the hell has this boys parents invited this bully to their party considering what happened last year . I would never do such thing, this boy should be in borstal not out in mainstream school terrorising children.

borstal

I sympathise hugely with the OP and would not want to leave my ds in this situation either

however, how many times have we had the equivalent of X's mother sobbing on here because her ds has been ostracised/excluded because he can't control his behaviour? It's a no-win situation for everybody

If I were the birthday child's mother, I would have a chat to X's parents and say that we would like to include him, but that following last year/recent form, he will need to be accompanied by an adult who can keep an eye on his behaviour.

But the bully´s Mumknows he´s a bully!

If she "has a go" again-tell her to sort the little thug out, & then it won´t be an issue!

oh sorry just read. Why on earth is the mum friends with the bullies mum, i remember what you said about the parents reactions in another thread Elmo, not the type of people i would want to be friends with tbh. Having thought about it more, tbh i would not let him go, it might end up badly. Instead invite bithday boy and a few friends round to your house for pizza bbq or whatever your ds likes. Much nicer and he will probably enjoy it.

As i said earlier it would be a good idea if your ds took up some form of martial art to help with confidence and self esteem. My neice is a goth, and she does karate, she got attacked in a park and was able to defend herself against her attackers.

TBH, 11 year olds plus bouncy castle sounds like a recipe for someone to end up with a broken neck. The birthday boy's parents are clearly not very wise.

For that reason alone I wouldn't let him go.

BTW my dcs have been rock climbing, abseiling, scuba diving, coasteering etc so I am not averse to exciting activities. I wouldn't let a bunch of 11 year old boys on a bouncy castle.

Elmo - I remember your other thread.

I don't think he should go to be honest, especially in light of the host's mother being so sanguine about her friend's kid punching others. And a bouncy castle is ideal for 'hiding' attacks.

I know you are trying to make sure your DS is not excluded from things, but I agree with you and your DH that after all your hard work to get teh school to take the bullying seriously, it would be a bit odd if you let him go to a party, near enough knowing that DS would be attacked.

Poor boy - devlopng a twitch from all the trauma

I think having DS sulk and complain for hours on end is preferable to letting him to go this party tbh.

elmofan - i remember bits of your other threads but not the entirety, i can't remember whether you've ever spoken to the parents, I'm assuming so, what on earth were they like? How do they explain refusing to teach their child this is totally unacceptable??

My heart goes out to you and your son. x

thanks pigletmania , we did try get ds into karate , we dragged went for 3 weeks hated it & refused to go back . The situation in school atm is x gets followed around the yard at break times by a teacher at all times so he does not hurt ds or other children & x gets held back 5mins at home time so ds can get to me safely .

Your bully sounds like the nutter kid who bullied my son, he attacked him 2 feet away from DH in the school playground.

He left messages on a friends answer phone pretending to be DS threatening their daughter, (at which point a friend of mine who is a child psychiatrist at GOSH listened to them and told the school the child was a nut job psychotic)
So going with your son does not sound an option to keep him safe.
I think you need to tell him again that you are only doing it to keep him safe and that you will have a lovely day together instead.

It is bloody hard though isent it.

Yes Greeselves this boy should be in borstal or alway from mainstream school. The parents are no better they seem to support this behaviour, dragged up not brought up imo.

what good do you think borstal ever did anybody? It was a social disaster

you can't just throw people away and forget about them, they grow up and come back

OP if the boy's parents aren't clued up or civilised to accept that they need to supervise their son for the benefit of others, then I would keep my ds away. Sorry you are in this position and that ds' life is being made hell

Sorry this type of behviour should not be tolerated, this boy is a bully plain and simple i have no sympathy really

He should be in a pupil referral unit or the equivalent.

it's not about sympathy, it's about practical solutions

borstals did nothing other than brutalise people, make their behaviour worse and give young offenders both the opportunity and the inclination to acquire new criminal skills

you can't just weed out troubled youngsters and put them in the bin

You wont be saying that in several years time when he attacks an elderly or disabled person. He needs to be away from mainstream school and schooled separately.