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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think PIL are unreasonable for

76 replies

Madinitials · 21/05/2010 23:09

expecting us to consult them prior to making plans for our weekend so that they can see DD every week?

I'm on maternity leave with DD; DP and PIL all work full time. PIL have been coming over/us going over to them every weekend for the first 7 months or so of DD's life(apart from when we went on holiday). I made arrangements recently to see our friend's new baby without speaking to DH first and this coincided with the only time PIL were available that weekend. PIL were not happy and made this known to DH who related it to me. Last Saturday, we three went away to a wedding and spent the night in a hotel and PIL went spare, saying that one of us should have driven back that night or that we shouldn't have stayed out most of Sunday so that they could have seen DD.

AIBU and selfish in thinking that we should be able to do what we like?

OP posts:
moondog · 21/05/2010 23:11

Fucking hell.
What nutters.
Do what you like, nowt to do with them.
What deos yuor dh say?

nowherewoman · 21/05/2010 23:11

Yanbu

dizzydixies · 21/05/2010 23:13

christ, all of a sudden I appreciate our Pil's biannual token visits

tell DH to grow a pair, speak to them and politely tell them to wind their necks in otherwise you're going to be dancing to their tune till her 21st

Kewcumber · 21/05/2010 23:14

they are clearly bonkers

Thediaryofanobody · 21/05/2010 23:14

YANBU you need to nip it in the bud now.

fearnelinen · 21/05/2010 23:15

YAB a bit U, but only for letting it get this far. They're in a routine and they're stuck in it. Time for an honest, but light chat (maybe next time they can have DD the whole weekend and you have DH all to yourself?)

ShadeofViolet · 21/05/2010 23:17

YANBU - They sound like fruitloops to me.

marriednotdead · 21/05/2010 23:20

Yanbu. However, the habit you have all fallen into has clearly given them a mistaken sense of entitlement. Your dh should put them straight as they're his parents. Time to make arrangements beforehand rather than presuming you are always tied to their apron strings free to see them. It's nice that they are close to your dd, but they do not own your weekends!

backtotalkaboutthis · 21/05/2010 23:24

i think moondog has it

time for a sit down and a chat for sure

firsttimemum77 · 21/05/2010 23:27

Yadnbu! Tough shit for them if it's the only time they get! It's your life, your time and your dc - do what you please!!!

I do however think you have 'spoilt' the PIL by letting it get to this stage and allowed it for 7 months tbh! My PIL started turning up unannounced whenever it took their fancy when my dd was born and I made it clear that they were 'intruding' on my time and our family time! They then started ringing when they knew it was dd bedtime! - so I turned the ringer off and they soon got the message!

You PIL sound like mine - control freak nutters

Original poster
Madinitials · 21/05/2010 23:28

Thank god for that!! I did ask DH to say something nicely to which MIL replied "I want to see LO more"!!

I'm popping by theirs with DD on my own tomorrow (DH is away on business) and am wondering if they are going to say something to me about it. I'm usually quite bolshie but am really dreading this visit, fear of what will come out of my mouth.

OP posts:
Firawla · 21/05/2010 23:32

YANBU mine are the same and it is not nice to feel you "have" to go every single weekend, and cant make your own plans. It's good if your bolshie, don't let them walk over you. I am just starting to adapt that attitude only now after 5 years, you do need to stick up for yourself or they will think that when they say anything you have to drop everything and come running according to whatever they say or want, sometimes it doesn't hurt to be a bit bolshie. Well polite but firm anyway.

backtotalkaboutthis · 21/05/2010 23:32

Don't be afraid, just let it out. Their behaviour seems to indicate very strange ideas of normal expectations. So if you try to beat about the bush they will NOT get it. Be as direct as you like. They will do anything to misunderstand you if you are saying "no" to more control. Don't let them.

When they say something, remember they are being rude and challenging normal boundaries. So you get to be as direct as you like.

Original poster
Madinitials · 21/05/2010 23:33

I know 7 months is a long time and I tried to nip it in the bud much earlier but DH reckoned the novelty would wear off; it didn't.

Firsttimemum77 - when we brought DD home from hospital, they visited our house 5 days out of the first 7. Told DH to say something which he did and then they stayed away for a week. After that, this weekly nonsense started up.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 21/05/2010 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

firsttimemum77 · 21/05/2010 23:40

Mine were the same - I spent 5 days in hospital after dd was born - they visited once. When I got home they were there every fucking day! I was too Ill to say anything - they weren't there to help me ohh nooo! Didn't move their fat arses off the sofa and expected cups of tea! When I got a bit better and started to feel myself again my fil (w anker!) said something (as usual) really patronising and I lost it biggggg time and proper first time with him and all my feelings came rolling out..once I started it didn't stop!!! Anyway they stopped coming so often - but still too often for my liking iykwim! Grrr - a lot of history with me and pil though!

2rebecca · 21/05/2010 23:41

Agree with making it clear that you won't be arranging your weekends around them and that maybe they need to start involving you and your daughter less in their weekend plans, and if they get stroppy that will make you less inclined to spend time with them. my relatives all lived several hours ago so we never got this weekly nonsense.
I wouldn't want to visit anyone every week and don't regard my kids as parcels to be shared out equally between relatives in case they sulk.
I never visited my inlaws without my husband though so reckon your being a bit keen going without him anyway.

Original poster
Madinitials · 21/05/2010 23:47

2rebecca - when DH said he would be away this weekend, I whooped and decided that PIL could stick it if they thought they'd see us this weekend. Then MIL left msg on my mobile asking if I would like to pop over with DD for a cup of tea. I felt bad (WTF is wrong with me??) and said yes but said but only free at 10am on Sat for an hour - she bit my hand off. Immediately wished I hadn't returned her call.

OP posts:
firsttimemum77 · 21/05/2010 23:50

Madinitials - make sure you stick to the hour and leave after that because you have plans!

SeaTrek · 22/05/2010 08:09

YANBU - they do sound rather controlling!

I would take the opportunity of this cup of tea at 10 am to bring this up with them, gently.

I just hope that all this enthusiasm turns into genuine offers of some free-time for you and your DH when your DD is old enough.

GerbilMeasles · 22/05/2010 09:30

They're not being U for wanting to see their grandchild, but can't get why it's for you to rearrange your life to suit them. If they're prepared to do that, then it's only polite to let them know if you have plans - if you had a friend who you generally saw over the weekend and who was expecting the usual routine, you'd surely tell them if you were going to be away for the weekend?

MIL seems to be fitting in with your plans, so problem seems to be that you don't really want to be around your PILs. That's fine (if a bit unfortunate that you don't get on with them - they're likely to be part of your life for a long time yet), but not unreasonable of them to want to know what's happening so they can fit around you.

So, if that's all they're asking, YABU. If they actually are saying that you have to change your plans to fit in with theirs, then NBU.

meatntattypie · 22/05/2010 09:38

cuppa and chat, oh and take a calender and sort out when would be good over the next few months to get together with them.
Invite them for tea one evening or something.

DONT make this a full blown argument please look at the big picture and at the relationship in the future. You really dont want to have bad feeling there.

They are bieng unreasonable but be the bigger person, understand that they just wanna spend time with your child, so make it convenient to you and then fit them in around it.

meatntattypie · 22/05/2010 09:42

second thoughts, ignore me, none of our parents are in the slightest bit interested in my ds (PIL ONLY gc) so i get annoyed for the total opposite.....i do not know what i am talking about really

2rebecca · 22/05/2010 09:48

I find the desparation of some grandparents to spend time with their grandchildren rather than their adult children odd though. My kids have great relationships with their grandparents but when we visited them or vv it was generally as much for the adults to see each other rather than us delivering the kids.
I didn't visit my inlaws alone because I didn't visit them alone before having kids so didn't see a reason to do so afterwards, same with my ex and my parents.
In this situation I probably would just have said I had other plans if I didn't want to go and arranged for husband to go with or without you the next week if he wanted.
I never saw my kids as an entertainment package for bored relatives.

WinkyWinkola · 22/05/2010 10:12

Your pil need to sort out their own lives and stop living through yours. Show them this thread.

You are not beholden to them like this. Put your foot down. I'd go mad having to see the same people every weekend. In fact, I'd make a point of going away every single weekend.

My pil were like this with their daughter and her kids. They'd be livid if they didn't get to see their grandkids every week. In fact, they were furious that she didn't let them come over whenever they fancied it.

It all amazed me and made me very very glad we live far apart.