AIBU to think PIL are unreasonable for

[Madinitials]

expecting us to consult them prior to making plans for our weekend so that they can see DD every week?

I'm on maternity leave with DD; DP and PIL all work full time. PIL have been coming over/us going over to them every weekend for the first 7 months or so of DD's life(apart from when we went on holiday). I made arrangements recently to see our friend's new baby without speaking to DH first and this coincided with the only time PIL were available that weekend. PIL were not happy and made this known to DH who related it to me. Last Saturday, we three went away to a wedding and spent the night in a hotel and PIL went spare, saying that one of us should have driven back that night or that we shouldn't have stayed out most of Sunday so that they could have seen DD.

AIBU and selfish in thinking that we should be able to do what we like?

That is so weird! DH needs to tell them to back off.

Oh.

(It was really getting on my nerves, that was.)

Yes, grandparent is what I meant!Sorry.

I find it very weird that people don't visit their PIL without their DH. If I am a MIL, I fully intend to have an independent relationship with my DIL-in the same way that I have one with my MIL. Your DH isn't a foundling-he comes with parents, siblings, grandparents, cousins etc etc! Any future DIL of mine will get all of us! (in small quantities-we do have lives of our own too). My DH2 even sees DH12's parents on his own-they are perfectly nice people. My SIL saw my mother this afternoon without my brother or their DCs-and that is how it should be-it wasn't through duty, she likes my mother.

Having said that OP should never have got into the position she is in and needs to stop it now. Get DH to sort it out-don't do anything on a regular basis.

DH2-I haven't had 12 DHs!!!

PIL went spare, saying that one of us should have driven back that night or that we shouldn't have stayed out most of Sunday

this is a bit beyond entitled behaviour.

they have no respect for your life, they obviously don't think you should have friends or a life that does not involve them...

batty.

and you see them most weekends - that's plenty.

DH needs to speak to them asp -they need lives of their own-there attitude isn't healthy.

sorry 'their' I think I should stop posting-making mistakes all over the place!

I was really getting it wrong! DH2 sees DH1's parents on his own-if he is in their area. Sorry-whole thing didn't make sense.

Definitely think you need to talk to your dh about how often he visited his grandparents when he was little (and how close by they were as that's bound to be a factor) and if there was any difference between the two different sets of gps - and if so, explainable easily (eg by distance/working/health etc) or not.

It might help to see what the PIL expectations are and to manage them.

Also to work out how often you saw your own different sets of gps and the asssociated whys and wherefores. and work out what your expectations are and how different they are from your pil's.

Then comes the fun bit of negotiating something so that everybody is happy - but definitely think that you need to start managing their expectations and organising more things to do so that they can't see you every weekend 'just because' that's what they expect.

And good luck with the solo visit - very brave of you!

Your current husband goes and visits your exhusband's parents? Strange.

What edgar and 2rebecca said.

V bizarre behaviour. Of course they should see their gc but every weekend is just ridiculous.

I get the feeling it's not really the frequency of visiting that bothers you, but the way that it's become a routine.

If every weekend doesn't suit you (and it wouldn't suit me!)then I don't think you should have to see them every weekend. But I think you (or ideally DH) should tell them so, rather than making other plans without telling them in advance. At the moment, they might feel you're letting them down at the last minute. (Though driving home from a wedding to see them seems INSANE.)

Can you break up the routine a bit? Can you gradually wean them onto two weekends in three?

Can you mention how now DD is a bit older you feel you can do more exciting things and you'd like to try to use your weekends in new and different ways?

I know it's hard if they work, but could you see them sometimes in the week instead, even without your DH? Fair enough, they're not people you'd fall over yourself to spend time with, but then you get a weekend (or two!) 'off' because they've had their grandchild fix. Could they meet you late for coffee and cake at 5? Could they come round for DD's 'teatime' and the mess fest?

Also, although it's tough now, their interest will stand you in good stead later. I found it was v hard at 7 months to leave a (still partly) breast-fed, demand-fed baby with anyone (don't know if this is the case with you, of course) but once DS was 1 or so, he was very happy to spend whole afternoons, or days, with his grandparents while DH and I did things together.

And later on, it will also be easier for your DH to take DC to see his parents without you - blissful time to yourself!

I guess the answer is, as always, keep talking to your DH, and to PIL, and good luck!

'Your current husband goes and visits your exhusband's parents? Strange.'

You therefore think that a couple not only lose their son through an accident when he was far too young to die, but that I then get married again and cut them out of my life or poor DS1 has to see them on his own?!
I wouldn't have married DH2 if he was so mean spirited! When you marry someone you get their family and in that case I had extra. PIL from the first marriage are grandparents to DCs from the second marrriage and grandparents from second marriage are grandparents to DS1 from first marriage. They stay in our house- is DH2 supposed to move out? Are they supposed to be horrible because they are not his own parents? Both sets of PIL get on together and they both get on with my parents. Of course DH2 calls in to see them if he is in their area if he is on his own-I don't call it strange. I call it very strange to think that DHs family are not your family and that he somehow comes alone!
Anyone that my DSs marry gets me -and I am not going to conveniently fade away! This isn't as tough as it seems (I am very reasonable and friendly!), I have been friends with all my DSs girlfriends, who have been family orientated (I am still friendly with their ex girlfriends if I see them).Luckily I can't see my DSs liking women who want to keep them to themselves. The more the merrier! They actually like us and don't see us as a duty.

(I find the general attitude to PIL depressing on mumsnet-luckily in RL I find that people actually like their PIL.)
I still can't get my head around the fact that people find it strange to see PIL on your own.

I still think that OP needs to get her DH to sort things out-you can't have PIL living through your DC-you all need lives of your own.

I hadn't realised your first husband died. In that case it makes more sense, although I suspect if my husband had had a previous wife who had died I wouldn't be visiting her parents without him.
I'm on my second marriage (through divorce not death) but haven't visited either lot of PILs alone.
I am quite antisocial and not into visiting people though, and both my husbands have been similar. They rarely visited their own relatives so weren't likely to pop in to visit mine, unless they were after a bed for the night or had a particular reason to go.

I think that if you both have an antisocial attitude and your parents and PIL are similar, there isn't a problem. I expect to be sociable with all and therefore it would be a real problem to me if a future DIL didn't see me on her own. For example last Saturday DS went off with DH for a couple of hours to do something with the car so DS's girlfriend stayed with me and we just had a coffee and a nice chat. She is like part of the family and my DS is the same with her family-that is what I expect.
I have got friends who are divorced but still see exPIL-they have a long history together.
I expect DH felt a bit awkward at first with DH1's parents, but he is very secure, so they are all just friends now and I don't expect they think about it.
Maybe it is just what you are used to. I couldn't take OP's situation-there is a fine line.

When I saw them on Saturday and brought up the subject of us all being a bit looser about seeing each other every weekend, I was told I was being selfish with THEIR baby.

I think it's time to give up and let DH deal with it.

Sorry their baby? THEIR baby? It's their baby when they carry it for 9 months, labour to her her out and then do all the sleepless nights, the parental responsibility, the cost etc etc.

What utter and total arrogance.

Oh my word. You need to cut and run. Move 200 miles away asap.

It sounds to me like you've put up with a lot from these very odd people. What will they be telling your dd when she's older? That she's their baby? They've got a lot of growing up to do themselves.

You really must get DH to deal with it. The baby isn't a property! I would get him to explain that you will never stop them seeing their grandchild and that you want them to have a good relationship and that in time she can stay with them on her own but you all have lives to live that don't revolve around DD and you will be out and about doing things, especially now the weather is getting better. You can't commit to every weekend and you can't commit to a regular time. I would deliberately book up the next few weekends so that you are busy.

Apparently, DD being their grandchild makes her their baby. Like you Itsgrimupnorth, I didn't realise I was a surrogate.

I was going to advise keeping a good relationship with the IL's, but that attitude changes things. Sit down with your DH and agree on what you want from a relationship with them, then tell them. If they want to see your DD they'll have to agree.

Ugh. YANBU. Tell them to fuck off, remind your DH that he is a grown up man now whose OWN family comes first, and if they DON'T fuck off and get over themselves, shove manifestos on grandparents' 'rights' up their asses and light them on fire.

YANBU time to cut the apron strings me thinks.

You have spent almost every weekend with them for 7 months, they need to grow up

Too often women feel like surrogates for overbearing gps.

You should tell them straight she is not their baby. She is your baby and your dh's baby. They've had their babies.

I'm quite possessive over my position as mother of my dcs having struggled a lot through pgy and labours and sleepless nights etc etc etc. Nobody else did that for my dcs. I did and I absolutely refuse to let anyone else lay claim to my babies.

You need to really not see them for a few years weeks so that they can lay their parenting fantasies to rest and re-establish a social life of their own. How suffocating for them to be so dependent on your dd. Shudder. It's not right.

Sorry. I feel so strongly about this having been through something similar myself and we felt utterly stalked.

I'd be on the phone straightaway to every friend/acquaintance in my address book, organising jam-packed, bumper-to-bumper weekends for the next couple of months.
Then you won't be lying when you say to these nutters "sorry, we have plans this weekend"
Just 'til they get the message that you are grown-ups and have a life.
Bizarre.