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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think PIL are unreasonable for

76 replies

Madinitials · 21/05/2010 23:09

expecting us to consult them prior to making plans for our weekend so that they can see DD every week?

I'm on maternity leave with DD; DP and PIL all work full time. PIL have been coming over/us going over to them every weekend for the first 7 months or so of DD's life(apart from when we went on holiday). I made arrangements recently to see our friend's new baby without speaking to DH first and this coincided with the only time PIL were available that weekend. PIL were not happy and made this known to DH who related it to me. Last Saturday, we three went away to a wedding and spent the night in a hotel and PIL went spare, saying that one of us should have driven back that night or that we shouldn't have stayed out most of Sunday so that they could have seen DD.

AIBU and selfish in thinking that we should be able to do what we like?

OP posts:
PickUpYourPants · 22/05/2010 10:21

Madinitials - Like you my PIL worked full time when my DD was born and was keen to see her regularly so we saw them nearly every week. Generally at the weekend for Sunday lunch which they cooked. However they had busy lives and so it wasn't a must do.
The reason for me posting is that DD1 is now 13 and in our case it did change over the years and when we saw it becoming a bit of a pattern we changed it. Although we still spent a lot of time with my PIL (including holidays).
My PIL have now retired and they collect my DC from school once a week and take then back to their house for tea. This is a flexible arrangement and if someone has other plans then it gets changed, and nobody kicks off.
It has also helped me over the years as I work FT and they are so good with the DC that I can I ask them to look after them without any concerns.
For instance on election day when DC2 school was closed she went to PIL the night before and stayed all day.

Anyway my point is that it is good for GP to have a good relationship with your kids and frequent visits are not necessarily a bad thing, however YANBU to put a stop to having to see them each and every weekend.

2rebecca - it is a shame that you did not have a relationship with your PIL that allowed you to visit them on your own. IMO this is unusual and I certainly have the confidence and relationship to visit/go out/go on holiday with my PIL without my DH being present. He would do the same with mine.

TheArmadillo · 22/05/2010 10:22

YANBU

When I still spoke to my parents they were like this. My dad slammed the phone down on me when I refused to visit one weekend as we all had swine flu (which I felt was a reasonable excuse).

There were no acceptable excuses for them for not spending at least one whole day of the weekend with them (preferrably both) and even then they compained constantly that they 'barely saw us'.

Now partly because of this (and partly because of other behaviours) they don't see their grandchild at all.

PIL on the other hand, try to see us every week. But some weeks one or other of us can't do it cos of other commitments. So we don't. We see each other when we can. We get on with PIL very well adn go on holiday with them as things are just so easy when we're with them.

This insistance on them being able to decide on/veto your plans is an example of them being overcontrolling. You and your dh need to stand up to them (as a united force) and make it clear that it will not be tolerated.

diddl · 22/05/2010 10:31

For me,all parents retired.
Mine came every week.
ILs would only come every weekend so as to spend the day with their son

Rather than come in the week & see me & the children for the day & husband for an hour or so when he came in from work.

Consequently they saw us every three weeks as there was no way husband wanted to see them every weekend.

Is it not possible to see them in the wek for an hour or two sometimes?

giveitago · 22/05/2010 10:41

They are living their lives through your baby and because she's a baby they live it through you.

Nice to have a good relationship but just tell them to get a life right now - your weekends are your own - they fit in with your family not you with them.

I have similar but now ds is 4 he makes up his own mind whether he likes being with gran or not. He must do it - but he's made it clear that he finds his gran over the top in love with him and it's not his scene.

cupofcoffee · 22/05/2010 11:00

YANBU. Your PIL need to accept that you have your own life. I get on well with my PIL and see them most weekends. Sometimes we have other arrangements and equally sometimes so do they. We just skip a week or meet at another time during the week if everyone is free but nobody complains about it.

LoveBeing33 · 22/05/2010 11:06

Pmsl. Is this their first grandchilden by any chance?

My parents alway used to rake us to visit grandparents every weekend maybe it's just how they were brought up? Maybe now is the time to make a more 'formal' arrangement? It's good they want to see so much of her and remember when she's old enough to go on her own you may be glad of a couple of hours.

firsttimemum77 · 22/05/2010 11:09

2Rebecca - same as you I never visit my PIL on my own and neither do they come to mine when they know DH is not here. I been married 12 years and its always been like this even before I had DD. I tried my utmost to build a relationship in the first year of marriage but they just didnt want one so I stopped trying so hard...(trust me a lot of background there though my PIL are control freak nutters)...

Sorry to your this thread to rant OP - but my PIL grate on me sooo much! I wish they could have been normal - its hard with the way they are. They have retired (only in early 50's) live 20 minutes away but do not help in any whay shape or form. My DH refuses to leave DD in their care (says alot wouldnt you say?)...

OP hope you manage to nip it in the bud so that your relationship with your PIL doesn't suffer.

ooosabeauta · 22/05/2010 11:13

I know I don't understand because I'm in the opposite situation, but I wish my PILs were a bit more like this! I know it's difficult and sounds a bit restrictive, but can you take from it that they love your family and your child? That's got to be a positive

CantSupinate · 22/05/2010 11:19

Ooh, I am going to go against the grain and express sympathy for the PIL. They obviously thought that this was a regular arrangement, and had no idea they were getting on your nerves.
In the long run you will be extremely grateful for their interest and willingness to babysit. An awful lot of us have no family support and could look on your situation with immense .

You need to sit down and talk thru future expectations about visiting arrangements, but try to be sympathetic to them. And get your husband involved, it's his family after all! He can visit them without you sometimes, which means some child-free time for you (I would kill for regular child-free time, myself ).

CheekyPinkSox · 22/05/2010 11:23

God! Sound like nutters.

waitingforbedtime · 22/05/2010 11:28

Yanbu am in a pretty similar situation though it is dh as well pushing the issue.

lumpasmelly · 22/05/2010 11:41

Do they help you out at all? I.e. Babysit for you, make dinner or lunch when you see them and give you
some relaxation time? If so, then tread carefully - this sort of help is the holy grail of good GPs...however, o do agree that they are being unreasonable to expect you to run your lives around them and get annoyed when you do things without consulting them. Perhaps a nice chat to clear the air and an arrangement that suits everone for example alternate visits at each others houses every couple of weeks or maybe letting them mind DD during the week to give you a break?

warthog · 22/05/2010 11:46

don't drop by for tea if she bit your hand off.

i think you could approach it a couple of ways:

either continue doing your own thing so that they have to consult you first before planning their stuff.

or you start using them as babysitters to give you a bit of spare time. leave her with them for a couple of hours so you can go have a coffee.

i think that's bloody cheeky to expect you to fit around THEIR schedule - it should be other way round. she is YOUR child.

2rebecca · 22/05/2010 11:47

I didn't not visit them out of lack of confidence. I just had better things to do with my time! They are nice enough but not a couple I would choose to spend time with if I wasn't married to their son so I saw no reason to visit them without him just because I did marry their son. I have a job and friends and hobbies. Thankfully so did they so they weren't chomping at the bit desperate to be visited.
We both worked so on weekends we had plenty to do without visiting folk. It's nice to visit family sometimes, but not every week. Perhaps if I'd been brought up in a family with rellies always popping in I'd feel differently.

PfftThePinkoLeftyDragon · 22/05/2010 12:04

I think that you putting up with this arrangement while silently seething has done you no good.

Look at it from their point of view. They have had this arrangement for 7 months, you have not done anything to indicate that it is not your choice. You have found yourself in a deep hole of your own making.

They are keen to see your DD. Yes they are being overbearing, yes they should see when they should butt out. But you haven't indicated to them that they are doing any wrong. So why would they change anything?

Be nice when you let them down. They love their granddaughter. I agree that they are overstepping, but they are not being hurtful. You need to put boundaries in place, you need your family time, but don't be too harsh.

PfftThePinkoLeftyDragon · 22/05/2010 12:05

However- they were totally nuts about staying in the hotel.

TakeLovingChances · 22/05/2010 14:30

pickupyourpants I think YABU to say that 2rebecca is unusual for not going to see her PIL alone. I've been with DH for 9 years and wouldn't dream of visiting them alone, never mind going on hol with them!

OP - you're in a Catch 22 here. In the future you'll be glad that your DD is close to her gp and they will be handy for visits and babysitting. But I do think your PIL ABU with kicking off at you now.

alphamummy · 22/05/2010 14:43

Could you make it a regular thing that they have your dd overnight fri? So they always know when they are seeing her? Also you get some time with dh?You dont have to stay or even go in just drop dd at door with a chnaging bag and pram and say i'll be back at whatever time, thanks for having her!

I realise you have your own life and family to enjoy, but they are a part of her life you'll have to accept. I see they are being a little overbearing but at least they care!
Use them when you need to go shopping an hour here an hour there may stop all the stropping at the weekend.

I feel a little sorry for them tbh, they just want to be a part of her life.

BitOfFunInTheQuattro · 22/05/2010 14:49

When you say "bit your hand off", do you mean as in 'eagerly accepted the offer', or snapped at you like biting your head off? I'm not clear from the context.

They do sound overly controlling, especially about the wedding. Your dh needs to grow a pair (meant kindly) and explain that you need your own family time.

imahappycamper · 22/05/2010 17:24

I am a Mil and a GP. It takes some negotiating and I suspect that it goes on throughout life.
My own il lived too far away when my first DC were small so we saw them for weekends, but only once or twice a term. My DP were separated and we saw them about once a year.
With my own DS I have found it is essential to keep talking. We started off with the arrangement that they would come for lunch every Sunday. Although this is the arrangement sometimes we have something else on, sometimes they do. (It is 3 weeks since they last came for lunch, coming tomorrow.) If my DS thinks I am becoming too insistent he will tell me. If I think I need a "fix" of the GC I will tell him. We certainly do not expect them to arrange their lives around us.
The DH in the OP needs to stand up to his parents. They will probably be upset initially but will soon realise that if they don't stop being so demanding they will not see their DG at all.
I do think it is a bit sad that the draw is the GD not their DS.

moondog · 22/05/2010 20:27

What's being a GP got to do with it?

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 22/05/2010 20:32

I suspect a grandparents, rather than general practitioner?

mnistooaddictive · 22/05/2010 20:32

She means Grandparent not general practitioner!

pooka · 22/05/2010 20:36

yes, def grandparent rather than doctor. PMSL.

pooka · 22/05/2010 20:37

x-post-

too slow