… to moan that my DH has joined army reserves?

[toja555]

MY DH was looking for an evening/weekend job for a long time in order to support the income. Having not found anything, he looked into joining RAF (royal army?) reserves option and, after few months of going regularly to the gym, passed all tests and got accepted. He told what he was doing, said it is good money for not doing much, and it takes only one evening a week/every second Saturday and 6 weekend trainings a year. Kind of better off financially/timewise than working long evening shifts in supermarket. I was neutral on the fact that he is trying to get his job, but disapproved that he didn?t bother to convince me why I should be happy for him going away for weekends, and moreover, real possibility to get ask for a mission in a war? He didn?t feel it was worth telling me (because I would have disapproved any way), and I only clarified myself that behind all this ?good money? and ?only few evenings and Saturdays? there is possibility for him to get send to a war.

I am terribly angry and frustrated that he makes major decisions without involving me into the consideration. On the other hand, I would have said No. We have one 2yo son and expecting another child, and I feel that his contribution to our family already is low (timewise, after full-time job and gym almost every night).
Because I am not happy for him, we now barely talk.

Please shoot me in case you think I should be happy and proud of my DH that he passed all fitness tests and will go through very rough training and bring some more money home?.

is it the TA,territorial army he's joined?

doesnt matter what he's joined really,he's done it for himself and dressed it up as 'earning extra money for the family'

Well TBH he doesn't sound like a husband.

Part of being a partner / husband / wife is that major decisions are made together.

He sounds like a single man to me.

RAF = Royal Airforce, not army.

Not that it really makes a difference, TBH (posted too quickly). Agree with herBeatitude.

So is he in the RAF reserves or Army reserves?

RAF reserves, does it make a difference?

i didnt know we had RAF reserves!!

my ex was in the TA and it was bloody time consuming!! then he joined regulars so that was that!

so, let me get this right, you knew he was looking for an evening/weekend job (and you were ok with that). However then he joined the TA/reserves, without telling you that that was the "job" he'd found, and you are not ok with that due to the war call up risk and heavy time commitment.

YANBU. I'd be furious if my DH signed up for something that involved weekends away, and potentially involved him risking life and limb, without discussing it with me first. He has responsibilities, ie. his DC, and shouldn't be committing to anything that could affect them without discussing with you first.

So what that he passed the fitness tests. He clearly likes going to the gym anyway, so no big sacrifice for him.

The fact that you would have said no doesn't make it ok for him not to have told you - it makes it WORSE!

Now, whether you should agree to him being in the TA is a different question, depends on all your family circumstances I guess, but the fact remains he should have discussed it with you.

YANBU. I would be furious - Afghanistan is a real possibility depending on exactly what his role is to be in the Reserves (find out!).

DH was going to join the RAF reserves, the chances of being deployed weren't even discussed at the evenings he went to - it was a matter of when they would be deployed. It's definatly something that needs discussion and alot of thought from the whole family. You don't get paid as such as far as I know, you get a bonus or reward yearly and I think you may get a small amount for the days you train. I don't think they would accept anyone joining just for the income, it would have been discussed with him, in which case he should be honest about his reasons for joining.

YADNBU.

what trade is he doing in the reserves?

RAF reserves says 29 days a year split over days... can't be that bad, can it?
I also think that DH behaved as he was single, but then what should I do? His position is "it is only work", apart from work and gym he is always home, and I am not sure if I should "punish" him with my silent dissaproval or just get on with it...

I would be pretty cross, this isn't really a "job" more of a vocation, its not like her got a job down the pub to bring in some extra cash, that is a job. The RAF reserves could I assume be called up (although how much front line action you would see in comparison to the TA I am not sure) I would be livid infact. It would have been the lack of communication that is the real problem here or perhaps he just doesn't really know what he might have signed up for!

here are pay details - £32 a day isn't even minimum wage, I would definatly not class joining as a 'job'. BTW I am really sure that is 'per day' as in per day in training etc.

Is he already doing a full time job? Are you as well?

If you're both working full-time can you cut back on expenditure to spend more time together as a family?

If he is a gunner DH was told they are likely to be called up in 2 years as far as I remember, I will ask DH when he comes home. This was 606 at RAF Benson.

He's not behaving as a single guy if he has a full-time job and is about to work an extra day a week to support his family.

It's not like he's filling up all that extra time with carousing/golf/ fishing is it?

he sounds like a selfish fucker

I know quite a few people who joined the TA as a "hobby"/ extra income and ended up called up to Iraq! Not sure if the RAF reserves are similar, but definitely something you should have had the chance to discuss before it was a done dea, imo!

I don?t know what he will be doing here. He is an accountant and he said they need people of all professions. He said he met there doctors, bankers etc. When he went for meetings, he said ?there are big guys just sitting there and getting money for nothing?. I don?t know whether he underestimated something or is it his way of getting away from the family (on purpose?)?

Laurie - the point is the reserves isn't just a 'job'. The days are no doubt long, very long for £32 anyway! He could earn more at Tesco if supporting his family was the reason. He is dressing this up as earning extra money, no one joins for the money. DH went to recruitment last month and at that point they were saying gunners (reserve) would be deployed in around 2 years. Obviously he will be paid for that, but it isn't as 'casual' as he is making it out to be.

Cutting expenses is not an option. He has been working 2 jobs when we first met, then got redundant, it has been always in his mind to have 2 jobs and make saving to start own business.

Why do you think he wants away from you and the children?

On what you've said so far you've said you need money and he's gone out and got some extra money.

Yeah, maybe he didn't underestimate the seriousness of it.

ASLD - of course he could earn more at Tesco but we are talking about a weekend job here, the poor fucker already works full-time. Wouldn't it be nice if the part-time job for extra income was one he actually enjoyed?