… to moan that my DH has joined army reserves?

[toja555]

MY DH was looking for an evening/weekend job for a long time in order to support the income. Having not found anything, he looked into joining RAF (royal army?) reserves option and, after few months of going regularly to the gym, passed all tests and got accepted. He told what he was doing, said it is good money for not doing much, and it takes only one evening a week/every second Saturday and 6 weekend trainings a year. Kind of better off financially/timewise than working long evening shifts in supermarket. I was neutral on the fact that he is trying to get his job, but disapproved that he didn?t bother to convince me why I should be happy for him going away for weekends, and moreover, real possibility to get ask for a mission in a war? He didn?t feel it was worth telling me (because I would have disapproved any way), and I only clarified myself that behind all this ?good money? and ?only few evenings and Saturdays? there is possibility for him to get send to a war.

I am terribly angry and frustrated that he makes major decisions without involving me into the consideration. On the other hand, I would have said No. We have one 2yo son and expecting another child, and I feel that his contribution to our family already is low (timewise, after full-time job and gym almost every night).
Because I am not happy for him, we now barely talk.

Please shoot me in case you think I should be happy and proud of my DH that he passed all fitness tests and will go through very rough training and bring some more money home?.

He was already in, but he didn't discuss some of his job choices with me, he just took what was offered if he liked it, or didn't like the alternative. Sometimes that has meant separation and sea time, but that is the nature of the job.

The Forces aren't set up to take account of family life, so if you get a job where you are together that's a bonus, otherwise you weekend.
As I grew up in a Naval family, it doesn't seem odd to me; you are expected to be available 24/7, 365, and that means the non serving spouse shoulders the bulk of the childcare. Sometimes you don't get to discuss the big life changes, you go where you are sent.

It works for us, and has done for 25 years. I have the best of both worlds - time on my own and with ds, and time with dh when we get a posting where we can be together. Things don't get stale.

A couple of things -

To be clear, your husband will be paid a daily rate for each day of training that he attends - or, in the case of evening sessions, a pro-rata amount. Look up the daily rates of pay for the forces on the relevant website.

As for deployment, it is very rare for someone to be sent without their 100% commitment. It is just too difficult and risky to have someone out there who doesn't want to be there.

Sometimes you have to make compromises - food on the table versus 6 months apart. Some plus points might include - increased fitness, confidence, sense of worth, ambition etc etc.

Hope you guys manage to talk it through - let each other know where you're coming from instead of getting defensive and attacking one another's point of view.

(10+ years in the military so know a little bit about these things - happy to discuss)

I would go absoutely ballistic if DH came home and announced that he had joined the TA/reserves etc.

Seriously I think it would probably be the end of the relationship.

Yet again am that some people would just shrug and say fine. Some of teh views on here lately have been utterly removed from how I would imagine any sane person to react.

sounds like it works for you scareyteacher and that's great.

i just think the OP's dh really should have discussed this with her. The fact he knew she would be against it yet did it anyway shows he doesnt consider his family as much as he reckons he does.

If you could get out of deployment by 'not wanting to be there' I would have joined the TA's.
AFAIK that is not a valid reason for not being deployed, I was told there was a strong chance I would be deployed at some point

Yes, that is true - there is a strong expectation that all who join TA etc will deploy at some point. What I am saying is that no-one will be sent out that doesn't want to be - what that means for that person's continued place in the TA is up to the chain of command to decide.

He won't be whisked away without wanting to go, if that's any clearer!

"food on the table versus 6 months apart" - but he will be taking 6m leave from his normal job which no doubt pays more. IF he is doing it for the money, as he says, it would work out as a loss. The issue isn't joining the reserves, it a) doing it without any discussion and b) under the guise of being about the money, when as I said overall he will lose money. and c) hoodwinking the OP into thinking it's so much more casual than it is, and than he will know it is.

wow if thats true maybe I should join and when they try and send me (as was discussed) I just stamp my feet and say 'im not going, I dont want to' [pout] [pout]

Sorry I just dont believe that, the army hardly has the reputation for being loving and understanding

DH has said (at RAF Benson anyway) deployment isn't an option, you can't decide actually you don't want to go. Deployment is unlikey in first 3 years (trade dependant) and the weekends are from 8am Sat am until Sun evening (again, this is at RAF Benson so it may vary).

I am used to the life, having done it for over 44 years now, with my parents and then dh. Yes, I miss him when he's away and want him to make the bloody decisions for once, but it's a good life and he is still after 30 years in the Navy really happy with what he does, as his career has been exciting and varied. Not many people can say that much.

Just wanted to add to scary that the forces life has really been your life if you grew up in a naval family and then married into forces. You kind of know where you stand and you can deal with it and cope with it. I have a friend who was brought up in an expat situation - father was overseas a lot and so they did that lifestyle, she now does it with her dh and they don't really have that much of a choice on their postings but she is happy with that as she can do it - I am not good at making friends and it would be odd for me to be away from my family for extended periods of time like that but that is because I am not used to it. I am sure that most people would find my family situation a little odd too but it is all what you are used to.

Sadly it doesn't seem that any of this was known to the op, and her dh doesn't seem to have been very forthcoming - if he said he wanted to do it because of different reasons then maybe that might have been more acceptable to her but he is doing this under the guise of needing more cash and getting it for sitting around doing nothing . Hopefully he won't be deployed but I wouldn't consider the ta or equivalent a "job" or a second "job", it is a lifestyle change and choice yes and an admirable one but I think I would have wanted to discuss it first so that we were both clear on the pro's and con's of it.

I can see scary's POV - after all, I'm an Army wife and I know the life. My husband wasn't serving when we met but I knew he had a place at RMAS and I knew that he wanted the Forces to be a lifelong career. My husband works away and only makes it home every other weekend. I just knuckle down and get on with it. It's a good life, really and I'd prefer him to be away and happy in his work than grumpy but home every evening.

However, I don't think the OP is being unreasonable to have wanted her husband to have talked things through with her rather than just presenting her with a fait accompli.

My GF joined the TA's in 1939 - not really a person for keeping his finger on current affairs!

Naturally, he was among the first to be shipped out to combat.

This is a very real possibility for your DH too and to disregard how this could affect you when making his decision to join is horribly arrogant.

He seems to regard it as a grown up version of the scouts. It most certainly is not.

Whilst there is some risk of deployment it is very minimal until he has been trained up in a particular trade.

As others have said in all likelyhood being deployed with the RAF is not as dangerous as being deployed with the Army. I know, my DH is in the RAF (full-time) and during his 5 month tour in Iraq in 2005 he left the base once! Don't forget he will not be trained up as a pilot!

My BiL is in the RMR (Royal Marine Reserves) he went to Afghanistan in late 2008 after being asked if he wanted to go. He was not forced to go, though lets be honest if you join the Marines full time or part time you are looking for some action!

A friend has a DH who is in the TA's and is currently on his second deployment. First time was Bosnia and this time Afghanistan. he will be gone for about nine months this time.

When I worked a second job in Tesco's, I don't remember that the possibility of losing a limb, or death, was in the job description. maybe I didn't read it carefully enough!

I think if the forces have always been a part of your life it is easier to accept the demands it makes, however, I would go ballistic if DH signed up without discussing this with me first!

Scary you really arent being helpful to an OP who obviously hasnt got a clue what the reserves involve, lets face it she didnt know what RAF stood for, there is no way she knew what her DH had signed up for.

I'm also a forces wife and if you have never moaned or complained or misunderstood something your DH has come home with then you are the first I have met. I am actually a lot closer to the OP's situation than you as my DH joined the RAF when we had already been married 5 years, I fully supported him though, if he had come home and presented it as a done deal, full time or reserve i would have gone off the deep end and i doubt we would still be married as it shows a serious lack of respect.

Forces life is complicated and frankly pretty scary when you are looking at it from the outside, I have had some amazing advice and help from some brilliant wives since DH joined, doesnt stop me being confused and upset by some of the stuff that goes on sometimes.

OP i would be asking some serious questions of DH if i were you, and doing research at the same time. it seems like he is misleading you and i would want to know why, if you find out what being a reservist entails then you are in a better place to talk to him and look at where this leaves your relationship.

Matumble, this is IABU - I gave my opinion.

So far, he has joined the RAF reserve; he hasn't been deployed as he isn't yet trained, and let's face it, with the cuts that are coming, there may not be an RAF reserve after the strategic defence review. He hasn't gone anywhere yet, and presumably, as a fairly new recruit, can back out if he wishes.

I don't buy Forces life is complicated I'm afraid; it's different, but I think other people's lives are just as complex and have their own set of rules. I don't like everything about it, especially changing light bulbs and hauling in logs when dh is away, but I suspect I would do that if he had a civvy job that took him away anyway.

Yes scary i realise what forum it is, that doesnt mean that the OP has no feelings.

I suspect the complications, or not of forces life is an argument for another discussion. just for the record this isnt a personal dig i have seen you being helpful i just felt you were particularly harsh to a confused OP.

I know the OP has feelings - I just felt it was being a bit drama queenish at times, especially when she says she is facing the reality...no she isn't. Those with dhs, dws and dcs in Afghanistan now are facing the reality. This guy isn't even trained yet.

Well, I am also a forces wife, but DH was already in the RN when I met him, and I accepted that. Personally, I cope fine with the lifestyle, but there is a BIG difference between voluntarily accepting the issues of deployment etc and having it suddenly announced to you, without you having any input/ opinion.

Tbh, I think I'd even be miffed if DH took on a second job in tesco without discussing it with me first. I certainly wouldn't dream of taking on a second job without at least talking to him about it- in a partnership, surely anything which will affect family life should be talked about beforehand

Toga - think you DH was being v unreasonable to have done this without consulting you

I joined the RAF reserves back in the late 90s. We had a 2 week basic training period (residential) followed by a year of training one weekend a month. We had to attend at least 9 of them.

Once trained we had to attend training once a month and a continuous training period of 14 days once a year in order to qualify for an annual tax free bounty. We were paid every weekend we did plus travelling expenses.

If we were deployed they promised to pay the equivalent of our current wage plus replace us at our place of work with funding for agency staff. I was never deployed as a reservist as I loved it so much I joined the regulars but my friend was deployed and she had a lot of bother claiming for the extra money but she got it eventually - so you shouldn't be out of pocket but as I said this was in the late 90s so conditions may have changed.

What your husband has done is really out of order and you are are definitely not BU.

In fact, when my husband joined the TA a couple of years ago, he was asked at recruitment whether he had discussed it properly with his family (as we're married with 2 children, he has a 3rd) because they wanted to make sure he had made the right decision for his family and not just him.

We discussed it for months before I finally agreed.

And he certainly didn't join to make money! They get 1/4 of a days pay a week for their one night a week training, so that's approx £8 ... not exactly on par with a regular part time job.

During training (I don't know if its different for the RAF than the Army) but it was a lot of commitment for him. We didn't see him much what with his regular job and training with the TA. There's also the yearly 2 week camps (again this is with the TA, not sure if you get it with the RAF reserves)

You would have to have a very good reason not to be deployed when it's "voluntary" but there is a real chance of compulsory mobilisation where he would have no choice.

Joining the reserves is not a decision to take lightly and he is out of order not to discuss it with you properly.

I do think this should have been discussed before your DH signed up. It is a big commitment being part of UK reserve forces. But there are benefits - tax free annual bounty, travel expenses paid etc. Not to mention possible quals gained, increased self respect and confidence.

As part of the RauxAF, the likelihood of him being pinged for a tour of Afghanistan without him actually sticking his mitt up in the air and volunteering is practically zero.

Having said that, no-one should join the reserve forces unless they are prepared to deploy and actually do the job they are being trained for. They most definately will have stipulated this at any recruitment interviews he attended.

When I left the regular Royal Marines, I wanted to join the Royal Marines Reserves (for various reasons) but I made sure that my OH was fully aware of the commitment required etc and ensured I had her full support. Its very important to have the backing of your immediate family.

PS On the plus side - you only need to give a months notice to leave the reserve forces. It's not like the 12 months you need to give the regulars.

"You would have to have a very good reason not to be deployed when it's "voluntary" but there is a real chance of compulsory mobilisation where he would have no choice."

I can confirm this - when my husband was Adjt of a TA battalion they went through (and are still going through) compulsory mobilisation. You need a very good excuse to get out of it and, in fact, all it does is postpone the tour. If you can't go in April, say, because your wife is due to give birth then you'll get sent in the next tranche in October.

Those who consistently tried to get out of mobilisation were given their dismissal papers to sign.

I understand that things have calmed down somewhat and that this applies to the TA not the RAAF but anyone who joins the reserves needs to understand that in the current climate they can be deployed on a tour and that it's their duty to go.

Still doesn't change the fact that he's taken this decision with little input from you. The money isn't really a factor either - no one joins the Forces for the money as it doesn't really compare well to civvy jobs.