Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

… to moan that my DH has joined army reserves?

82 replies

toja555 · 18/05/2010 14:46

MY DH was looking for an evening/weekend job for a long time in order to support the income. Having not found anything, he looked into joining RAF (royal army?) reserves option and, after few months of going regularly to the gym, passed all tests and got accepted. He told what he was doing, said it is good money for not doing much, and it takes only one evening a week/every second Saturday and 6 weekend trainings a year. Kind of better off financially/timewise than working long evening shifts in supermarket. I was neutral on the fact that he is trying to get his job, but disapproved that he didn?t bother to convince me why I should be happy for him going away for weekends, and moreover, real possibility to get ask for a mission in a war? He didn?t feel it was worth telling me (because I would have disapproved any way), and I only clarified myself that behind all this ?good money? and ?only few evenings and Saturdays? there is possibility for him to get send to a war.

I am terribly angry and frustrated that he makes major decisions without involving me into the consideration. On the other hand, I would have said No. We have one 2yo son and expecting another child, and I feel that his contribution to our family already is low (timewise, after full-time job and gym almost every night).
Because I am not happy for him, we now barely talk.

Please shoot me in case you think I should be happy and proud of my DH that he passed all fitness tests and will go through very rough training and bring some more money home?.

OP posts:
ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 18/05/2010 15:12

They do employ office type staff as reserves - do you know what squadron or base he signed up to? Ask him what trade he is doing. I presume it'll be something like that as they like to recruit people who are already 'trained' - DH wanted to be a driver but they said it was unlikely as they had alot of people joining who were actually lorry drivers etc. already. He is a soldier first though and the training will be mostly based around that.

Doodleydoo · 18/05/2010 15:14

Laurie, I see where you are coming from, but maybe it would have been nice to think about a job that wouldn't take him away from his family for an extended period of time or potentially get him killed. Tesco's or the pub might have achieved this, TA/RAF reserves might not.

Just a thought, but it sounds as if he doesn't really know what he has got himself into.

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 18/05/2010 15:15

I don't see it as a problem, but he hasn't been honest about it. He has said it's to earn money which is clearly not the driving force. He has played down the commitment he actually has to give to it. Weekends away, I think the odd week aswell, he has to keep up his training and then possibly (really possibly) be deployed for 6 months. Not exactly a hobby. I don't have a personal problem with it, DH was going to do it but is joining full time instead, but we talked about it alot.

minipie · 18/05/2010 15:17

Laurie, surely whatever the benefits/ downsides of going into the reserves, the fact remains that he should have discussed it with his wife before signing up, given the potential consequences?

HerBeatitude · 18/05/2010 15:17

Lauriefairycake - partners consult each other about big decisions.

Single people don't consult anyone, they are free to make unilateral decisions.

As apparantly, is this guy.

Doesn't sound like a partner to me.

Original poster
toja555 · 18/05/2010 15:17

I wonder if I should print out and bring home this thread? I am sure they told him about possibility to be sent to war. In one of our conversations he asked me ?would you like me to be gone every night to Tesco instead?? He was never adventurous, he is more looking how to make money, but I cannot imagine that he would wanted to be sent to a war.

OP posts:
Saltire · 18/05/2010 15:22

Well it makes a difference to the people he will be with in the reserves - they won't ppreciate being called Army.

FrakkedUpTheElection · 18/05/2010 15:22

I definitely think it should have been discussed, but being in the reserves may have a lot of positives for him. They pay isn't great but they may offer him extra training in an area he's interested in and he'll have the chance to meet a lot of people and network.

Do you think you'll be able to get a straight answer out of him why he did it and would you be annoyed if it he did have a reason beside the money that wasn't getting away from you?

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 18/05/2010 15:23

They would have told him, yes. But it does depend on what he is doing, if it is office type then it is alot less likely. Hour per hour he would be gone less if he worked at Tesco - £32 is 5 1/2 hours at minimum wage, I am sure he will be gone alot longer than that per day. I think the 1 weekend a month is a whole weekened - Sat am - Sun pm. He needs to be honest with you.

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 18/05/2010 15:25

Ongoing training
Squadrons normally train for at least one weekend every month and we?ll expect you to attend at least 8 out of 12 of these weekends. Each year, you will be required to complete 15 days of continuous training. Depending on the role of the squadron you join, this period of training could be in the UK or overseas.

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 18/05/2010 15:29

Unless he is self employed he will have to take time off for this training. Most of the time it'll be unpaid. So in effect he will be losing money as I am sure he earns more than £32 a day as an accountant. Or he could take 15 days holiday, probably 1/2 his years allowance and that leaves about 10/15 days for actual holiday leave. I am just so shocked he has casually told you he has signed up to the reserves.

scaryteacher · 18/05/2010 15:38

It may be that as an accountant he will be used in the logistics side, and he may make contacts that he wouldn't otherwise. He may also be checking out that the Forces aren't for him full time.

Lauriefairycake · 18/05/2010 15:38

Of course he should have talked to her about it - for all we know he is a big dolt who doesn't realise he would be sent to war.

And he could also have thought "ooh, what a good way to earn extra money and have more fun than Tesco".

toja - can you and him at least do some alternate work so he gets to spend more time with ds? That's what you're worried about isn't it - that he doesn't get to spend enough time with you both cos he's always at work (or in this case with the gym training to be at extra work)?

MadamDeathstare · 18/05/2010 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greensleeves · 18/05/2010 15:46

I would be furious

selfish sod

if he wants to ponce about in uniform with a gun he could take his DS paintballing

Original poster
toja555 · 18/05/2010 15:47

I will try to ask him about chance to get deployed but about getting out? I can?t just make an ultimatum ?get out from RAF or what? I will divorce with you?? or maybe it would be fair enough?

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 18/05/2010 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 18/05/2010 15:57

There is no set time for deployment. If it kicks off in Iraq/Afganistan etc. it'll be all hands on deck really. It could be virtually no chance of deployment if the situation stays the same to being very ripe for deployment overnight. You may get very lucky and it not happen. But that is the real prospect when you join. They don't just let you fill in a form and sign up. When DH went they wouldn't even accept people signing up that evening as they make thoroughly sure people know exactly what it means. He would have had to go through alot to get to this stage.

mosschops30 · 18/05/2010 16:05

Agree with others that this is a totally selfish decision.
Its NOT about making money so dont believe that for a minute, he could have earned more doing a night shift in a care home on the weekend (I did it through my nurse training and weekend nights paid me nicely).

I looked into joining the TA as a nurse and I would still love to do it if my life were different, but I have dh and 3 dc's so taking a part time reservists job where I will potentially be killed is a no go. I did discuss it with dh and he made his feelings on it perfectly clear.

YANBU and he is BU (massively) this is not a decision you take on your own unless you are single

Original poster
toja555 · 18/05/2010 16:16

I am just shaken to be facing the reality...

OP posts:
scaryteacher · 18/05/2010 16:27

All he's done is join the RAF reserves. There may not be enough money to keep them going. The reserves will be cut before the regular Armed Forces, and on present numbers the RAF are overmanned and facing redundancies for the regulars, so the reserves would go first.

He would have to be trained before they deployed him anywhere and at present, if he has just joined, they won't send him away.

If he does logistics and gets sent to Afghanistan, he would probably be in Bastion, where it is hot, but reasonably safe, and do 14 hour days in an office.

You are not facing any kind of reality apart from him joining the reserves, so get a grip.

Doodleydoo · 18/05/2010 16:29

Still though Scary - wouldn't you be mighty pissed off that your dh had done that without discussing it first? There are some things that should be made as a family decision and something that can take you away from your family for an extended period of time is one of those "discussion" points. I would want my dh to discuss this with me and take into account my feelings just as I would if he had been offered a better job that meant moving half way around the world. It is just nice to do so.

scaryteacher · 18/05/2010 16:36

My dh is regular forces, so I just suck it up and carry on, and am used to spending vast amounts of time away from him, including him working abroad and getting home once every six weeks. It goes with the territory.

He makes choices in his career that I wouldn't make in mine, and I don't object, as it is his career, and he knows what appointments he will enjoy, and what will bore him rigid. I would rather he was away and happy than home and foul to live with because he wasn't enjoying the work. I have my own fish to fry, so love it when he is home, but can exist without him.

Doodleydoo · 18/05/2010 16:43

Was he forces when you met him?

I admire you both very much, it takes a certain type of person to accept and welcome the kind of movement and loneliness that being a forces wife entails. Without people like you we would very much suffer more as a country I believe. I genuinely genuinely admire you and hope he stays safe and well and happy in his career. I know I would not be so good at dealing with that and I like to think I am massively independent, I do like time away from the dh but not for too long (might just be because of having a 2 yo though, and appreciating the help that he provides!)

gingernutlover · 18/05/2010 16:43

YANBU to expect him to have discussed this with you

Scareyteacher, was your dh in the forces when you met him? Or has he joined up since? If so, did he have the courtesy to discuss the decision with you.

When you become a parent, you no longer have the right to do whatever you want whenever you want - you are responsible for a child/children and when you are part of a family you discuss big life changes.