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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my SIL should've kept her DS under control?

117 replies

BettyButterknife · 17/05/2010 15:09

Went out for a meal at the weekend with most of DH's family (13 of us). SIL's DS is 3.5yo and quite a handful. My DS is coming up to 3yo and totally in love with his cousin - proper hero-worship stuff.

So anyway, food comes and I expect my DS to sit up at the table and eat with everyone. SIL's DS eats fast, my DS is a very slow eater, so about 20 minutes into the meal SIL lets her DS get down from the table. My DS sees this and says he's finished (he hasn't) and can he get down too.

Long story, but there's a history of SIL feeling like the rest of the family question her parenting methods, so I was put in an awkward position where I'm trying to explain to my DS that we all stay sitting at the table until everyone has finished, and that it's not acceptable to run around in a crowded restaurant with waiting staff trying to do their jobs, carrying trays etc. All the time nephew is standing there next to DS completely confusing the issue. In the end I let DS get down as he was crying while nephew was laughing and winding DS up, and I felt there was only so much I could say without potentially starting a row about how to parent.

But AIBU to think that if you're going to take children out for a meal you should expect some control over the situation?

OP posts:
2shoes · 17/05/2010 15:11

but you didn't
you let him down to play ina reastaurant, your choice

scurryfunge · 17/05/2010 15:12

The comment that your SIL feels like the rest of the family question her parenting methods has just been proved. Some degree of restraint is required but 3 year old will get bored if they are not occupied....would have been better to find them some other activity to do whilst the meal is still going on.

biddysmama · 17/05/2010 15:13

there's a history of SIL feeling like the rest of the family question her parenting methods

is that not what you are doing?

piratecat · 17/05/2010 15:14

i have done this, kept my dd at the table. imo your sil obviously does what she wants to do, and theres not much you do to change that.

Hard to stick to your guns, but next time stick to them.

itsmeitsmeolord · 17/05/2010 15:16

Different strokes for different folks. You could have perhaps whipped out some colouring or somesuch from your patented emergency parenting bag to keep them at the table?

You did have control, you could have said no but you didn't because you wanted to avoid a scene with your son. That doesn't mean you or SIL had no control, Just means at that point you took the path of least resistance.
Absolutely fine in my opinion as long as the little ones aren't getting in waitresses/waiters way/bothering other diners.

Most 3.5 yr olds are a handful by the way

MorrisZapp · 17/05/2010 15:16

I think you should have stuck to your own principles. I see this all the time in my own family - 'lowest common denominator' parenting where the most easy going parent effectively calls the tune as nobody wants to make their own kids do without the fun the other kids are having. Also you look like a right tight arse saying no when other parents have said yes or just not even looked over at all.

Mine isn't even born yet but I am determined not to give in to this myself! Hope I don't have to grit my teeth and give in.

itsmeitsmeolord · 17/05/2010 15:17

Sorry, my first sentance looks really arsy. Wasn't meant to be.

qwertpoiuy · 17/05/2010 15:17

Your SIL's DS sounds like mine was at that age, TBH - very active. I found it amazing my parenting came into question when I brought DS anywhere, but when I took DD1 who was quieter (and sounds like your DD), I was told I was rearing a child with impeccable manners!! (ironically, she was diagnosed with Asperger's recently, whle my "tearaway" DS is normal!)

It's hard to say YABU or YANBU, your children are both different and I can see both sides.

Original poster
BettyButterknife · 17/05/2010 15:19

That's ok, itsme! It was more that I didn't want to cause a scene with SIL rather than my son.

I haven't been involved in the row SIL has had with her family, so I'm treading on eggshells a bit hoping not to start another. Tricky.

OP posts:
MumInBeds · 17/05/2010 15:19

I wouldn't want my children getting down and running around in a resturant so when they were little (and sometimes now) I brought a few bits to occupy them, just things like colouring or sticker books.

If I knew there would be other children in our party I'd bring spares. If your nephew finished first then asking your SIL if he'd like a book would be an easy way to distract from getting down.

2shoes · 17/05/2010 15:20

sorry still don't get why it is ok to let small children run arround a resturant

letsblowthistacostand · 17/05/2010 15:23

I'd say 20 mins at the table is pretty impressive for a lively 3.5yo. IMO rules get relaxed at family gatherings--my nephew never eats and can't sit at the table for more than 5 minutes while my girls like their food and will sit with crayons etc. When they're together, my girls get down as soon as he does, as he is their hero. If they weren't bothering anyone then I don't see the harm.

Original poster
BettyButterknife · 17/05/2010 15:24

I don't think it is 2shoes. I had to make a choice between making the point with my DS and risking my SIL freaking out about it, or DS going into full melt-down at the injustice of it all () - we were out for DH's birthday so either of those would've been inappropriate.

I suppose I'm having a bit of a vent as I wish SIL could've stopped her DS from running around as that was the catalyst for this all, and I don't think it's appropriate behaviour.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 17/05/2010 15:25

It's not ok 2shoes,I think the point is that there could have been plenty of distraction techniques deployed without having to let anyone run around.

2shoes · 17/05/2010 15:27

i never tool ds to resturants when he was little..so Isuppose this is a whole other world for me.
don't the other grown ups help entertain?

wannaBe · 17/05/2010 15:30

it's not ok to let small children run around in a restaurant.

It's just lazy parenting to give in and let them do what they want.

Op yanbu that your sil should keep better control of her child, but you should have stuck to your guns and just told your ds "no. I know that x has got down, that doesn't mean that we do that as well though." I would take colouring/books etc to amuse a child in a restaurant but there's just no way he'd be getting down.

wannaBe · 17/05/2010 15:34

2shoes I took my ds to restaurants from very small and he was never allowed to get down. We always took things to amuse him with, colouring/one of those magnetic drawing things etc, it's all common sense stuff IMO but it does seem that some people just don't think of these things and find it easier just to give in.

I remember on holiday when ds was about 2.5, we sort of got chatting to a couple and the woman was amazed that ds sat at the table and didn't constantly wine to get down. And then she said to me "is he ok? I mean he's so well behaved, is there anything wrong with him?"

qwertpoiuy · 17/05/2010 15:37

Wannabe, I can understand the comment - my daughter was well behaved at that age and was subsequently diagnosed with Asperger's!

I know I'm biased though....

biddysmama · 17/05/2010 15:39

my ds was the same! he completely missed out terrible 2's, i thought wonderful... and now....

thesecondcoming · 17/05/2010 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mussyhillmum · 17/05/2010 16:23

Was your brother not at the table? Why is your sister in law taking all the flak for their son's behaviour?

1Littleboy1Bigboy · 17/05/2010 16:34

As much as i dont agree with running about in resturants as it disturbs other diners and is dangerous .....

"I suppose I'm having a bit of a vent as I wish SIL could've stopped her DS from running around as that was the catalyst for this all, and I don't think it's appropriate behaviour."

She obviously does think it is appropriate behaviour and so there isn't much you can do about it!!

Fel1x · 17/05/2010 16:47

I dont understand why you are cross? You did exactly the same thing as your SIL.
She made her DS sit down until he had eaten all his dinner and then rather than cause a disruption with him bored at the tabel, she let him down.
You let your DS down to play rather than sit out a disruption when he hadnt even finished his dinner!

oldandgreynow · 17/05/2010 16:50

I think when you only have maybe one or 2 DC its very easy to think all DC are the same and their different behaviour arises from different parenting.Seriously,don't judge!You might get a little terrorist yet!
Some children especially boys just CAN'T sit down for more than a few minutes and 'behave'.IME this is at its worst around the age of 4 when they get a big surge in testosterone.

sandyballs · 17/05/2010 16:55

I agree with oldandgrey, kids are all different and although 'in theory' I agree they should all sit nicely at the table and chat to the grown ups, in reality it isn't always possible for some kids to do that.

I used to have a rather smug friend with the most well behaved boy you had ever seen, he would sit for hours in restaurants, wouldn't get out of bed in the morning until his mum had said he could, ate everything he was given. She thought it was all down to her wonderful parenting and then she had DS2 and the shit hit the fan