to think my SIL should've kept her DS under control?

[BettyButterknife]

Went out for a meal at the weekend with most of DH's family (13 of us). SIL's DS is 3.5yo and quite a handful. My DS is coming up to 3yo and totally in love with his cousin - proper hero-worship stuff.

So anyway, food comes and I expect my DS to sit up at the table and eat with everyone. SIL's DS eats fast, my DS is a very slow eater, so about 20 minutes into the meal SIL lets her DS get down from the table. My DS sees this and says he's finished (he hasn't) and can he get down too.

Long story, but there's a history of SIL feeling like the rest of the family question her parenting methods, so I was put in an awkward position where I'm trying to explain to my DS that we all stay sitting at the table until everyone has finished, and that it's not acceptable to run around in a crowded restaurant with waiting staff trying to do their jobs, carrying trays etc. All the time nephew is standing there next to DS completely confusing the issue. In the end I let DS get down as he was crying while nephew was laughing and winding DS up, and I felt there was only so much I could say without potentially starting a row about how to parent.

But AIBU to think that if you're going to take children out for a meal you should expect some control over the situation?

As someone who worked in a pub/restaurant I hate with a passion people who let their children run riot while you are carrying plates of hot food and drink.

I think you need to stick to your guns next time.

I'm not surprised your SIL feels like the family are questioning her parentling skills because that is exactly what you are doing.

It is very hard to make some three year olds sit at a table for any length of time; 20 minutes isn't bad at all.

Also agree with the poster who asks where was the father in this?

Yes blame it all on outcast sil, not your brother or the rest of you for not helping herout
no wonder she feels judged

you tell your dc to do as they are told and as the grown up you tell another child that is annoying the situation to go back to their parents. If the child persists then so do you - the broken record with smallish children does work.

if anything is said you explain that said dc is being a pain whilst other dc is trying to eat and sit up to table.

imo dc are best of undernieth the table at this sort of time out of the way and having a giggle

Erm, maybe I'm missing something (having only a 5 month old myself) but if a 3.5 year old 'gets down' from the table in a busy restaurant because they can't sit there any longer due to boredom, doesn't a parent usually go with them/take them out to the garden to have a run round/go somewhere and colour with them? This is what would happen in our family.. lots of different kids, behaviourally/personality-wise all very different.

I agree YABU to blame this on your SIL's 'control' of the situation vs your brother and SIL combined.

YABU
"there's a history of SIL feeling like the rest of the family question her parenting methods"
umm thats what your doing now so I don't understand why your trying to imply your SIL is paranoid.

"I expect my DS to sit up at the table and eat with everyone"
"DS eats fast, my DS is a very slow eater"
So you expect her son to be parented your way and wait on your DS because thats how you do it?

You need to stop the competitive parenting you will alienate your ILs and probably others with that attitude.

It doesn't sound like any of you handled the situation very well.

Whenever I have been out with family members and the children, we choose somewhere that is very child friendly - with a play area for example - we bring along colouring books etc - and we take it in turns to supervise the children (in reality my mil supervises them all but that's her choice).

You needed to plan this outing properly; and not shift the entire blame onto your sil.

I don't see anywhere in the op that suggests the child was out of control He had finished his food and was allowed to get down. I don't think it is reasonable to expect a 3yr old to sit throughout a potentially long family meal but that isn't to say it was fair of sil or presumably your brother to allow him to pester your ds. Once they had both finished it would have been better for someone to take both outside or to one end of the table and entertain them. Had your nephew been getting up and down while still eating or annoying other diners or staff then you would have more cause to complain.

It sucks to be the bad guy. But the amount of times I have had to say "I don't care what other kid is doing you are not allowed too..." is huge.

All the time nephew is standing there next to DS completely confusing the issue. In the end I let DS get down as he was crying while nephew was laughing and winding DS up

I really didnt like the phrasing of this, like your nephew is some kind of 'bad' kid. He'd sat and eaten and was allowed down, give him a break. Fwiw I wouldnt have allowed my kid (3.5) to run aorund, he'd have had a sticker book or similar and Id have brought one for your ds too. You sound incredibly rude about your nephew and sil imho though and very precious about your own rules and regulations.

sorry but you sound judgey and a bit priggish and uptight, and as if you were going to use the situation to show off your excellent parenting skills, to tell your DS that YOU think nobody shoudl get up until everyone has finished (bit of a snide aside to your SIL ?).

Why not send the dads (were there any men at the table, or is parenting the job of the mother only? Or maybe you are both signle mums, sorry if I missed that) outside to play with them.

Also, I think for a 3 yr old sitting still for 20 minutes is quite good.

And getting up doesn´t equal running wild.

Agree that children should not be wandering around restaurants. But it is up to you to keep your child at the table.

I agree with Wannabe.

Goodness Lequeen, you don´t sound half smug

What on earth is an "ambient" atmosphere lequeen?

Ambient means "surrounding"...

I think you sound quite smug also.

Your ds is not quite 3-thats quite a big ask, to have him sit while so many people at the table have all finished their meal.
Adults and dc obviously have different expectations of a meal out. We like to relax and enjoy the meal and chat, dc are excited to be out.
Ive seen small dc getting fractious at a restaurant, while being asked to remain seated, but the adults not interacting with them.
When small, I have not let my dc run around restaurants and annoy other people, but I have always taken a few quiet toys/colouring things,as I know they will get bored easily.
Also, I think it helps to consider what type of eatery you are going to. Having a small play room/soft play attached/swing set outside,can help the meal go smoothly.
YANU to not want your nephew or your ds to run around. But, when your ds was getting upset, perhaps you could have taken the middle ground, and said, lets go for a little walk outside, then come back to the table?

We're back to the tea room thread again. It's not acceptable to let any children run around in restaurants. Not only is it anti-social, it's dangerous. I'm assuming that you and your SIL didn't leave the meal to walk with your young children and supervise where they went?

And this will be the first of many things where it would be easier to control your ds's behaviour if it wasn't for pesky Other Children. They'll be allowed an ice-cream, or to climb up the slide, or go to the park alone or watch a scary film or borrow the car. Or you'll let yours when other parents won't.
You just have to get used to taking responsibility for your own choices; other people will make different ones and you and your ds will have to live with that.

I had to delurk to post on this as I'm one of those parents whose children can be seen as misbehaving when we eat out.
The oldest one isn't too bad, he's almost 7 and will sit quietly and eat at that table. But his autistic spectrum disorder means that he sometimes gets overwhelmed by all the noise and crowds, or with things building up throughout the day. That's when the screams and tears start, or when he goes and hides under the table in the restaurant, or hides under his coat.
The youngest is a little over four and a half and has ASD along with quite severe learning difficulties. He does not understand to sit still. He does not understand to not go into areas like the kitchens or the toilets or to the fire exits. So, as obviously I can't leave him to run around unattended, I have to spend a large part of the mealtime getting up and bringing him back, trying to get him to stay still for more than a few seconds to eat something, then getting back up when he's wriggled away or I've let go of him for a second. Colouring books and other distractions don't work with him, all I can do is just keep bringing him back to the table with a firm "stay here".
So yes, I agree that children should behave themselves when eating out. In an ideal world. But sometimes, no matter how hard the parent may be trying, what the child should be capable of doing and what they actually are capable of doing are two different things.
I apologise for any testiness, it's born of constant chasing after Ds2 in sundry environments.

Funnily enough, I thought about the tea room thread today. My friend and I met up at a nice cafe for lunch, for the first time since our mutual friend took her own life. So you can imagine how our conversation went for a while. It flitted through my mind that it would have been pretty irritating to say the least to have someone's children hurtling past us, stopping to stare or trying to engage our attention. So, I maintain that it is extremely inconsiderate to allow children to run around unattended when other people are trying to eat and generally have some quiet time, or time with friends.
Bullet234, it sounds to me as if you don't allow your ds to run about unchecked, and even though it's tiring, you are with him. So I don't think you're really in the "inconsiderate" category.