Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

I might be, so feel free to say, but is this fair or not? (wedding question!)

81 replies

SkipHopJump · 16/05/2010 11:38

I posted at some point a few months ago that DP was in hospital and on sick pay and had NO MONEY for 3 months. Just as a background.

So. Dp has been asked to be an usher at a friend's wedding, which I think is very nice, and he is looking forward to it. At the time the groom said he would be paying the total cost for all the suits (he earns a significantly larger amount than my DP and the other usher). Since then groom has wanted to go to Amsterdam for his stag (which the other men don't want, but they're going anyway).

So they're paying for this trip to Amsterdam, and the cost continues to mount! At first groom told all men he would be paying for it until my DP was off sick pay and then my DP could repay him. That didn't come to pass and the groom rang constantly to get the money, so I paid. It was only two weeks later that DP was able to pay the cost, so I think he could have waited.

Then the cost of the suits. Groom and bride chose the usher suits, cost £200 to hire for the day . Groom then says DP must pay half, to which DP agrees. However now groom is saying he wants the other half too.

So basically, AIBU to think that if you ask someone else to be your usher and you promise to pay that you don't go back on the promise? DP is upset but will pay as he doesn't want to bother his friend. IMO, it's their special day, not my DP's, so why should he pay?

AIBU? Or is it normal to pay for your own usher suits/bridesmaid dresses?

OP posts:

Firawla · 16/05/2010 11:42

YANBU as he said he will pay and went back on it, really low...
i dont know what the norm is tbh, but i would be annoyed in your dh's position, how rude can you get. 200 quid does seem a lot to have to pay out just to have a suit to be an usher for someone, and not even as if he gets to keep the suit being for hire
if i was your dh would be tempted to tell them to get lost & dont bother even being the usher, they are not treating him with respect @ all just going back on their word & coming to ask money and more money..

lorelilee · 16/05/2010 11:42

YANBU - up here in Scotland, the bridesmaids and best man/usher outfits are paid for by the bridal party. However, I understand that in England, in most instances, bridesmaids and such pay for their own, which I think is very unfair as it's not necessarily their choice of attire.

Pozzled · 16/05/2010 11:43

We didn't have ushers, but I certainly paid for Bridesmaids' dresses, wouldn't have occurred to me to have done anything else. They only sorted out their shoes, and I wasn't bothered what shoes they wore so no real expense.

I think it's incredibly unreasonable to go back on a promise to pay though. Sounds as though the groom hadn't really thought through the costs before offering, but he still should have stuck to his word.

FakePlasticTrees · 16/05/2010 11:44

It's not normal at all to ask the ushers to pay for their outfits - how very very cheap of them!

for £200 your DH could buy a nice suit in the sales he gets to keep. tell him to withdraw from ushering duties. And to tell the groom he's being an arse.

diddl · 16/05/2010 11:45

Don´t know what´s "normal", but we paid for suit hire.

TBH,it´s a shame your partner didn´t tell him thanks but no thanks.

ClaireDeLoon · 16/05/2010 11:46

Agree that bridesmaids, best man and ushers outfits should be paid for by bride and groom. Sounds to me like they've decided how they want their day to be and expect others to foot the bill for them. YANBU to be annoyed, especially at going back on his word.

FakePlasticTrees · 16/05/2010 11:46

BTW - if they can't afford to pay for ushers outfits, they don't really need ushers. we didn't bother, we had the best man and DH's dad to help people who needed it to their seats - that and handing out order of services are all they do...

themildmanneredjanitor · 16/05/2010 11:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SixtyFootDoll · 16/05/2010 11:49

YANBu
If they cant afford to pay for Usheer suit hire then they dont have ushers simples.
As for the stag do can your DP cancel and get a refund?

I hate all this recent trend for stag/ hen holidays, what happened to a night out in the pub?

hatesponge · 16/05/2010 11:51

I have no idea of the 'norm' as I've never been married, however I would have thought that if the groom wants the ushers to wear a specific outfit, he should be paying the hire cost. Especially knowing your DH had a long time off work unpaid, and money must be tight for you. I think tbh you've been very fair paying your share of the stag do - I would tell the groom that either he coughs up for the suit hire, or your DH wears his own suit.

I do suspect though that the bride/groom probably hadnt expected the suits to cost £200 to hire, but thats not really your problem. Am sure they could find cheaper alternatives for the ushers if needs be....

jd123 · 16/05/2010 11:55

Tbh if this friend wants him as usher, the groom should foot the bill for the suits.
going back on this agreement may mean that the cash flow may be a bit short, seens though the Amsterdam trip etc however maybe the bride and groom should cut back on things like hen/stag parties to make room for the other things.

Weddings.huh..I work in the wedding industry and the arguements caused between peeps are sometimes extremely petty and I have seen some bride and grooms that are incredibly selfish and utterly disgraceful ime

Original poster

SkipHopJump · 16/05/2010 11:56

I'm glad I'm not just being a cow. I want DP to tell them to stuff it, but he doesn't like to cause problems. They are friends from childhood, all of them, and I'm the 'new' one iyswim and I feel that they would think I was the one causing problems if he backed out. I just think £200 is quite a lot of money for us at the moment!
Just got another text from the bride now to ME 'Don't forget suit payment is due on fri'

Why is she texting ME?!!

OP posts:

SandyChick · 16/05/2010 11:56

YANBU.

We paid for our wedding party's outfits. I wouldn't dream of asking people to pay for what I want them to wear. If it's a case of the bride and groom not being able to afford to pay then they shouldn't expect to pic their outfit. Maybe a compromise by picking the colour of tie etc. I think your DP should speak to his friend and explain that he can't afford it.

diddl · 16/05/2010 11:57

Also-the ushers don´t have to be in the same suits as the groom, best man etc do they?

The fact that they are standing at the church door with an order of service is usually a giveaway!

Could have matching waistcoats to wedding party or just corsages for example.

jd123 · 16/05/2010 11:59

btw I have seen a bide refuse to pay for her mothers £7.50 corsage after her father footed the bill for her champayne fuelled wedding..horse and carriage the works

Rockbird · 16/05/2010 11:59

We paid for all bridesmaids' and ushers' suits. If money is an issue then I would have said for them to wear ordinary suits and maybe match ties etc. To say it would all be paid for and then start demanding money is very very mean.

BouncingTurtle · 16/05/2010 12:02

Yes the groom is being selfish and tight-fisted, and I would be pulling out if I were him!
£200 sounds rather expensive as well.

I didn't have ushers but I had bridesmaids, a page boy(DSS) & a best man, we paid for the hire of DH's, best man's, and DSS's suits, my uncle (granddad of 2 of the bridesmaids) and my mum helped with the cost of the bridesmaids' dresses, but they offered insisted, I certainly didn't ask!

When DH and I planned the wedding, we did so with the expectation that we would pay for all of it, and were very appreciative of contributions from the families (which were, again, unasked for!).

I can't believe how fecking cheeky some people are - if you are having to ask people for money for your wedding, then maybe you should have a smaller one within your budget!!

RedCharityBonney · 16/05/2010 12:03

Yes, it matters less about what's the 'norm' and what's not than it does about making offers to pay and then retracting them. That stinks.

BouncingTurtle · 16/05/2010 12:04

Him, as in your DH, not the groom, to pull out!

addictedisabigsisteragain · 16/05/2010 12:29

at my wedding we paid for bridesmades dresses, best man wouldnt let us pay for his suit (he was dh's dad!) and nor would my dad. and then we asked our ushers (after making sure they had one already) to wear a dark suit and we gave them a special 'usher' button hole. It was much cheeper than buying 4 more suits!

But i wouldnt have expected anyone to pay for an outfit i was making them wear.

I just find it very rude!

TrillianAstra · 16/05/2010 12:32

It dosn't matter what is the accepted pratice, or if the cost is high or not - he said he would pay for something and has now taken it back.

I would like to advise your DH to say that in that case he cannot afford to be an usher, since agreed on the understanding that he would not have to pay for the suit, and there is no way the budget will stretch. However in real life things are not that simple. It make me very angry when people are so dismissive of finances. The attitude of 'money doesn't matter (because I've got plenty)' is very rude.

addictedisabigsisteragain · 16/05/2010 12:33

and £200 is no small amount. If it were me i would be haveing a serious talk with dh about where the money was comong from and wether or not he should say sorry but no.

lillybloom · 16/05/2010 12:37

I am with janitor. We paid for all the bridal party hire, including both dads. We even picked them up and returned them so no one was out at all.

I think sometimes people forget just how much money a wedding costs for the guests to attend.

TakeLovingChances · 16/05/2010 12:38

YANBU!

I got married 3 years ago and we paid for all outfits for the bridal party. We had 2 bridesmaids, 1 best man & 2 ushers. We budgeted well so we wouldn't have to ask anyone for money and tbh we wouldn't have had the cheek to ask anyone to contribute to OUR wedding costs.

DH and I were recently invited to a wedding. DH hasn't seen this person for about 15 years as he lives in a different country in the UK. In the invite the groom-to-be had requested the guests to pay money to cover the costs of the meals!!!! WTF? Suffice to say, DH & I didn't go to the wedding.

Original poster

SkipHopJump · 16/05/2010 12:52

I do honestly believe that they don't mean to be so rude. I think the groom just doesn't realise that not everyone earns as much as he does. He is always inviting my DP to football/rugby matches/ nights out etc so DP always has to say 'thanks but no'. And I do realise always having to say thanks, but no thanks makes you feel like a bit of a tool after a while.

However I personally feel £200 is a lot and even half of this is a lot too! DP says he is going to discuss it with groom. I think £200 would be better spent on other things (perhaps me ) or saved. Only a few months ago DP had no money to even buy food. I am on a student loan and working two jobs but my money would not have sustained us. I don't resent him going to Amsterdam but another £200 on top is ridiculous. And the wedding list is full of expensive things too.

The problem isthat they are all old friends, like I said, and I am relatively 'new'- only a few years. Before me DP was engaged to someone within their group so I am very much the newbie who doesn't quite fit in.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4