Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

I might be, so feel free to say, but is this fair or not? (wedding question!)

81 replies

SkipHopJump · 16/05/2010 11:38

I posted at some point a few months ago that DP was in hospital and on sick pay and had NO MONEY for 3 months. Just as a background.

So. Dp has been asked to be an usher at a friend's wedding, which I think is very nice, and he is looking forward to it. At the time the groom said he would be paying the total cost for all the suits (he earns a significantly larger amount than my DP and the other usher). Since then groom has wanted to go to Amsterdam for his stag (which the other men don't want, but they're going anyway).

So they're paying for this trip to Amsterdam, and the cost continues to mount! At first groom told all men he would be paying for it until my DP was off sick pay and then my DP could repay him. That didn't come to pass and the groom rang constantly to get the money, so I paid. It was only two weeks later that DP was able to pay the cost, so I think he could have waited.

Then the cost of the suits. Groom and bride chose the usher suits, cost £200 to hire for the day . Groom then says DP must pay half, to which DP agrees. However now groom is saying he wants the other half too.

So basically, AIBU to think that if you ask someone else to be your usher and you promise to pay that you don't go back on the promise? DP is upset but will pay as he doesn't want to bother his friend. IMO, it's their special day, not my DP's, so why should he pay?

AIBU? Or is it normal to pay for your own usher suits/bridesmaid dresses?

OP posts:

MrsC2010 · 16/05/2010 13:02

YANBU. When we got wed we had 3 bridesmaids (not my choice, I didn't really want any!), 2 best men, 3 ushers and 3 little mini ushers to dress. We weren't being extravagant, but DH has 2 best friends from primary school and 3 brothers with 3 nephews...we couldn't have had any less! But, it was our choice so we budgetted accordingly. DH fell in love with a certain suit/oufit which was around £130 p/p (which we thought was expensive!) but we went for it as there was very little he felt strongly about. (The suits cost way more than my dress though!)

We even rented a suit for my father, which he later tried to give us money for bless him.

Anyway, short version of my long answer: if they have asked him and want a certain suit, they should blumming well pay for it. If they just said: 'wear a grey suit and a red tie' for example, then fine.

geraldinetheluckygoat · 16/05/2010 13:10

ugh, how annoying. We paid for all the outfits, except one bridesmaid (dhs sister, dh's mum wanted to pay for hers) and dh's dad who wanted to pay for his suit. I didnt expect any one to pay, we got what we could afford.

I also think the stag/hen galas are totally over the top, staying in hotels and going out on expensive nights out or going on holiday. I think its a bit selfish to expect people to pay to go on these really expensive things, it puts people who cant afford it in a really very awkward position and makes them feel like crap when they have to say they dont have the money.

TrillianAstra · 16/05/2010 13:15

SkipHopJump - but it is inconsiderate to not think of other people. 'Not realising' that other people don't have money doesn't mean he's not lovely but he clearly is either flaky, dim, or rather self-centered.

butterscotch · 16/05/2010 13:23

Yanbu at all!

At our wedding we budgeted for outfits however my adult bm was my cousin and my aunt wanted to pay inpicked the colour and let her pick the style with me bring able to vetto!

My child bm was hubbys cousins daughter and il's wanted to pay initially I was going to get her an off the shelve dress in bhs but she had a mini version of adult dress in the end!

I bought accessories except little bms shoes her grandmother beat mebto the till! They were her first set of "heals"

We paid for all the suits for the lads.

I was bm and hubby bm at a friends wedding knowing how expensive weddings are we offered to pay but weren't allowed to but paid for shoes!

mnistooaddictive · 16/05/2010 13:27

DH was Bestman last month and his suit hire was paid for my the groom. As they have no money DH paid for half as a contribution but this was by no means expected! This groom is being tight.

thesecondcoming · 16/05/2010 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FakePlasticTrees · 16/05/2010 13:35

please please please text her back and say:

"Hi, great you reminded us, it's the first wedding we've been to where the couple didn't pick up the bill for the usher's outfits so it's easy to forget you're doing things differently."

GeekOfTheWeek · 16/05/2010 13:38

YANBU Think your dh should tell him. How cheap to expect ushers to pay for suit hire.

Bloody sick of bride and groom thinking the world revolves around their wedding.

sayithowitis · 16/05/2010 13:42

If the groom agreed to pay for it at the outset, then he is BU to ask for payment now. In fact, in some circumstances, it would be considered that he had made a contract to pay and was now in breach of said contract.

FWIW, when we married, we paid for the BM dresses and shoes but the best Man and usher paid for their own as we were happy for the men in the bridal party to wear regular suits rather than tails etc. I do think, that if you are insisting on a specific style/colour, then it is for the cost to be borne by whoever is paying for the wedding. If you are not fussed and are happy for them to wear clothes of their choice, which can be worn again, thn maybe it is not unreasonable for the wearer to pay. But certainly not to say you will pay and then go back on it!

If it was me, I am afriad I would be telling them that only agreed to do it because they said they would pay and that since I cannot afford it, I am having to withdraw. It is not too late to do that. They are the ones who have caused the problem, not you.

piratecat · 16/05/2010 13:42

i think your dp should bite the bullet and say.

@ i cannot afford £200 in the hire of a suit. I am happy to wear one of my own, and as .... said initially that he would be paying for the hire, I feel,now that this is the best thing for me to do.

RunawayWife · 16/05/2010 13:49

YANBU the groom is a prat

Tryharder · 16/05/2010 14:06

I have never, ever heard of bridesmaids/ushers being forced to buy their own outfits. That's part of the wedding expense. These people don't sound like friends. I would write to them or meet them in a formal setting and explain that you are very sorry but your DH will be unable to be an usher because you quite simply don't have that kind of money. Or tell them your DH would still love to be an usher but only if he can wear his own (smart) suit (surely your DH could borrow one if he hasn't got anything suitable or get it a from a charity shop, or even ask for a loan on freecycle).
If it affects your friendship, then tough. I cannot understand people. If you can't afford to finance a big wedding, then don't have one!

GerbilMeasles · 16/05/2010 14:23

YANBU. They are barking. And text to remind you? I'd go with FakePlasticTree's suggestion. Or else text back with "Mortgage also due - shall I put bill in post to you?"

jeananddolly · 16/05/2010 14:31

i had a 'budget' (ha ha - relatively) informal wedding and we agreed up front with the family and friends involved what would and wouldn't be paid for - so all booze and drink was paid for by us but my bridesmaids and ushers paid for their own outfits BUT they could choose exactly what they wanted to wear - I didn't dictate it. I think the rule should be: you pay, your choice. Their choice, they pay.

jeananddolly · 16/05/2010 14:31

booze ha ha - I meant food. YOu can tell my priorities in life.

cookiemonster100 · 16/05/2010 14:35

OMG she sounds like a bridezilla!! You are YANBU! And £200 on usher suits, that extortionate!! We paid for ushers and bridesmaid outfits. And I am pretty sure the groomsmen outfits were now way near that high!!

Could DH speak to the groom to 'remind' him that he did offer to pay for all the amount and now things appear to have changed. Because if they are running out of money for the wedding (which it sounds like?) then to ask you all to pay up is unfair.

Good luck and hope you DH is better now?

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 16/05/2010 14:39

YANBU. If you ask for people to be in fancy suits, etc, you can't expect them to pay for the hire of them Ditto Bridesmaids dresses.

heebies · 16/05/2010 14:54

This happened to my husband and I before we were married years ago. An old friend of his asked him to be an usher but my then DP had to pay for the morning suit as did everyone else. To top it off, I wasn't even invited to the wedding even though we had been a couple for quite a while, 2 years maybe? The groom invited his friends minus parters and the bride did the same. However most were couples anyway so it worked out fine for most of them. I was livid but my husband wouldn't hear anything negative about the whole shenanigans (sp?)- too flattered to have been asked! He said that not everyone can afford a big wedding but my argument was that they were getting one but asking others to foot the bill. Ggrr, still get mad when I think about it.

WingedVictory · 16/05/2010 14:56

SkipHopJump, it looks like the bride and groom will not be honeymooning on the moral high ground.... They are being very grasping. If you can't find a way to vent your and DH's feelings about the way they are behaving (and even if you can), this is definitely the moment to phase them out of your lives. Let DH finally start saying that the matches he is invited to are expensive, and let this "friend" start to hear a bit of what life is like outside his moneyed bubble. Your DH will be more amenable to letting him go now than at any other time. It's a real shame that you have been treated like this. I'm sure you can find more sensitive and caring friends.

Like diddl, my DH and I just had corsages for ushers (which my mother, bless her, made). We asked very little of them and sent them away with a nice bottle of wine each (not too generous, but as I said, we didn't ask much of them). I paid for my bridesmaid's dress and shoes, and then gave her some earrings (bought earlier in the year, in the duty free, so more punch for my pound). In return, she organised my hen weekend and kept me calm on the day. We are still close friends.

Nice one, FakePlasticTrees. Very delicate, and not at all rude!

WingedVictory · 16/05/2010 15:04

Oh, and ignore the wedding list. That is only a list of suggestions, and does not apply if people (a) can't afford it or (b) have something different in mind. An album to bring the bride up to speed with various parts of her new DH's life, which she has been left out of hitherto. Such a thoughtful present that no-one could dare to be ungrateful!

lucky1979 · 16/05/2010 15:45

We had 5 ushers but just asked them to wear their own dark suit and shirt and then we supplied matching ties. The bridesmaids had matching evening dresses which I paid for, and bought them co-ordinating necklaces which we chose together. One of the bridesmaids did pay for alterations to her dress but that was as a gift to me - had she not insisted I would have paid.

Can't imagine asking anyone to pay £200 to hire a suit. He's got to say no!

Original poster

SkipHopJump · 16/05/2010 15:46

I love some of these suggestions for a text back!!

No, secondcoming, I must not have explained it right. Dp wasn't 'happy to go along with a freebie when others were having to pay for it themselves'- the groom offered to pay for both my DP's and the other usher's suits. The other usher is my DP's brother, so I know this is true.

He didn't really offer to pay because DP was ill, he offered to pay in general. And now he doesn't want to.

I suppose either DP can back out (as no suit hire has actually been paid for so no one will be out of pocket yet) or he can say £100, but I don't think £200 is fair.

It's funny how weddings can send people slightly...odd.

OP posts:

SE13Mummy · 16/05/2010 17:33

For our wedding we asked the men in the 'bridal party' to wear suits. We provided shirts and they could either wear a tie of their choosing or ask us to buy one for them. Adult bridesmaids and I chose a colour for their dresses and they either bought one in that colour or had one made/made their own (I paid for the material) in whatever style they wanted. The 7-year-old bridesmaid had her dress, hair clips, tights and shoes bought by me.

Our wedding was a low budget church wedding but was just how we wanted it and, nine years later, friends and family are still talking about what a fun, relaxed day it was.

suiledonne · 16/05/2010 17:50

Where are they renting the suits from?

I would check it out. £200 sounds like a huge amount for one suit. We rented our usher/best man suits. We had 4 (all DH's brothers) and paid less than that for all 4!

Is there any way you could ask and then ring the place?

Louplet · 16/05/2010 17:52

YANBU I got married 2 years ago and we paid for all suit hire for ushers and best man as well as paying for the bridesmaid dresses though my chief bridesmaid kindly offered to pay for her shoes which I gratefully accepted. I think this is pretty normal where the clothes are the bride's/groom's choice.

I would have felt awful trying to get other people to pay for a level of budget I had chosen!

Also kept costs of stag/hen down as we wanted all those we had invited to feel they could afford to come and not worry about it.

If I was your DP I would be tempted to decline both stag night and usherdom but suggest a separate quiet pre-wedding "stag" drink and curry or similar instead.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread