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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I might be, so feel free to say, but is this fair or not? (wedding question!)

81 replies

SkipHopJump · 16/05/2010 11:38

I posted at some point a few months ago that DP was in hospital and on sick pay and had NO MONEY for 3 months. Just as a background.

So. Dp has been asked to be an usher at a friend's wedding, which I think is very nice, and he is looking forward to it. At the time the groom said he would be paying the total cost for all the suits (he earns a significantly larger amount than my DP and the other usher). Since then groom has wanted to go to Amsterdam for his stag (which the other men don't want, but they're going anyway).

So they're paying for this trip to Amsterdam, and the cost continues to mount! At first groom told all men he would be paying for it until my DP was off sick pay and then my DP could repay him. That didn't come to pass and the groom rang constantly to get the money, so I paid. It was only two weeks later that DP was able to pay the cost, so I think he could have waited.

Then the cost of the suits. Groom and bride chose the usher suits, cost £200 to hire for the day . Groom then says DP must pay half, to which DP agrees. However now groom is saying he wants the other half too.

So basically, AIBU to think that if you ask someone else to be your usher and you promise to pay that you don't go back on the promise? DP is upset but will pay as he doesn't want to bother his friend. IMO, it's their special day, not my DP's, so why should he pay?

AIBU? Or is it normal to pay for your own usher suits/bridesmaid dresses?

OP posts:

halfawake · 16/05/2010 17:58

Suits etc are part of the WEDDING costs - to be footed by bride and groom and any family members who want to help them!

No way should your poor DP have to pay for this IMO - YANBU!

lovemyOJ · 16/05/2010 17:58

my FIL (to be) paid for DH (to be), Ds and his suits as requseted by him as he wanted to buy them

my dad bought his and my brothers suits as requested by him

My DH2B is having 2 best men and they both offered to pay for their own suits

my Bridesmaid has bought her dress her self but i will be giving her the money for it she will be 7 month pg and so saw this maternity dress and bought it there and then as otherwise it would have been gone

if none of them offered we would have paid for it all ourselfs (and have offered to) but they all insisted they wanted to pay for them

i think YANBU i think the groom is being a twit, £200 to hire a suit thats shocking!! £100 is shocking too! ours were £75 each which i thought was a bit steep and was looking for something cheaper still but DH2B really liked this one

shushpenfold · 16/05/2010 18:29

You are totally NBU. The groom is being extremely out of order.....a polite but firm NO WAY is required...stuff the £100!

ellybett · 16/05/2010 18:43

Ooh I am so angry on your behalf! What sort of people are they to ask for him to pay for a hired suit for their wedding! I think that it's totally inappropriate and incredibly rude! Only thing is I can't see what your DP can do without causing some strife between them all! If they couldn't afford to pay for the costs of the wedding themselves then they shouldn't have over reached themselves, especially when a perfectly nice morning suit can be hired for £100. What stupid selfish people. Grrr!!!!

omaoma · 16/05/2010 19:51

Basically, your DP is going to have to pay to stay in these people's lives. Either they are w*nkers all the time, in which case they will think he is cheap and no fun and so 'forget' to stay in touch if you don't make the wedding, or they are completely Bridezilla'd, and are therefore likely to hold a grudge against somebody besmirching their 'perfect' day. So if your DP thinks it's worth £200 to keep seeing them then he should pay, but why he would want to stay in contact given either scenario is beyond me.

amicissima · 16/05/2010 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emsyj · 16/05/2010 21:36

I've never heard of the wedding party paying for their own outfits other than in extenuating circumstances where it is agreed up front by the parties and there is usually substantial freedom given to those paying to choose outfits and stay within a budget.

I think if you can't afford to pay for outfits for your bridal party, don't have a bridal party. I would never ask someone to be an usher, best man, bridesmaid etc and not pay for their outfit, but there you go. My bridesmaids paid for their own shoes as I think this is a tradition for some sort of superstitious reason that I can no longer remember, but we paid for the dresses, jewellery, hair accessories, bouquets, professional hair and make-up on the day, transport etc and thank-you gifts, plus bar was free so essentially zero expense for them attending, which IMO is how it should be.

chipmonkey · 16/05/2010 22:34

horrendous behaviour on the part of the bride and groom. We paid for all suits for dh, his brothers, our dads and for the dresses for our four bridesmaids plus shoes and I wouldn't have dreamt of doing it differently. Especially as my dsis was a Curehead at the time of the wedding and had never worn a pink dress in her life!

Plopsie · 17/05/2010 09:42

Oh my goodness, you are definitely not being unreasonable: the bridal pair's behaviour, on the other hand is both insensitive and unreasonable. At our wedding, I paid for my bridesmaids' outfits (dresses, stoles, shoes and accessories) because frankly, why should they pay for my choices? They were doing me the honour of sharing my special day and it would have been rude to ask them to pay out for things they would probably not wear again. The best men were left to their own devices to wear whatever they chose, and both looked fabulous. It certainly didn't matter to us whether the photos showed matching attire! I wonder whether the bridal pair will be issuing invoices to the guests for the cost per head of the wedding breakfast.

swordinthestone · 17/05/2010 09:51

Obviously the behaviour of the bride and groom is appalling. People should only have a wedding they can afford, rather than trying to squeeze money out of everyone they know to get what they want. However, having said that, given your particular position, I would let this go. Just pay the money and don't cause bad feeling, because even though you are in the right, it will still come back on you and cause you problems in the future.

FWIW I think the ushers should have been asked to come in clothes they already owned if the groom didn't want to pay for suit hire.

dinkystinky · 17/05/2010 09:55

YANBU - the groom said he'd pay half, so should be held to it. £200 is an obscene amount of money to rent a suit - you could easily buy one for that!

heading4home · 17/05/2010 09:57

At our wedding, the ushers all wore tails (paid for by us). One of them refused to wear tails for whatever reason of his own and turned up in his own suit. We were put out for a few minutes, but in the end were just happy and honoured that he was there at all.

So I think the suggestion of your DP wearing his own suit is a good one. If they want everyone to match, then they should pay.

pjmama · 17/05/2010 09:57

If they're expecting the wedding party to pay for their own suit hire, then I think that should be viewed as the wedding present so I wouldn't be buying them anything else!

£200 is pretty steep though and saying they'll pay and then changing their mind is a shitty thing to do.

izzybiz · 17/05/2010 10:03

If the bride and Groom want their wedding party to have a certain look then they should pay for it!

We paid for 3 little bridesmaids (including dress, cardi, tights, shoes and hair clip), 2 adult bridesmaids, and best man, father of the bride and 2 ushers!

potplant · 17/05/2010 10:04

We paid for suit hire for ushers and also the bridesmaids dresses. I also bought my mum's outfit.

When my friend got married they couldn't stretch to suits for ushers so they asked that the ushers all wore a dark suit. The ushers got together and picked the same black suit from M&S and bought them. The reasoning being that they would all look the same on the day and they get to keep the suit after - every bloke needs a black suit.

They are being very unfair - how many people can just swallow and unexpected £200.

islandofsodor · 17/05/2010 10:11

That is defionately not the norm.

It is the norm for a best man/usher to buy his own suit if he has a free choice of what he wears. Hired matching suits it is definatley the responsibility of the groom to pay for.

Same with bridesmaids.

SE13Mummy · 17/05/2010 19:56

Have just realised, the suit my DH bought for our wedding cost £200 and he wore it for work for years afterwards.

LoveBeingAHungParliament · 17/05/2010 20:02

We bought the mil's outfit, five bridemaids (dressmaker) and hire of all the suits, 8 in total!

To say he was going to pay and then go back on it isn't on and probably his wife to be's doing. Your dp needs to speak to him and tell him he can't afford it, if he had been told the full facts at the start he would have told him the same thing.

stealthsquiggle · 18/05/2010 13:22

YANBU at all - especially as Groom said he would pay initially. How inconsiderate can people be (the couple, not you)?

We were broke when we got married, but our ushers and bridesmaids were even worse off. DH paid for all the suit hire, and I bought bridesmaid's dresses. In the event, both bridesmaids wanted to keep the dresses and offered to buy them off me - from the one who could afford it I accepted half the purchase price, but the other one was truly and absolutely broke and I gave it to her.

YANBU at all - but at the end of the day, it is up to your DP whether he considers it a price worth paying to keep the peace.

stealthsquiggle · 18/05/2010 13:25

I think amicissima's suggested text is good, but it would probably have to come from your DP rather than from you, unless you don't mind taking the "blame" to preserve his friendships?

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 18/05/2010 13:34

Interesting about how many people bought their bridal parties outfits. My bridesmaid bought her own dress (but she chose it, I only specified a colour in a sort of vague way), and I've paid for all four bridesmaid dresses for the weddings I've been in. So that's clearly a different norm.

However. 200 quid for a hired suit is in-fucking-sane even if the groom hadn't offered, and the whole thing is ridiculous. What will have happened is that the groom didn't clear the expense with the bride, and their budget is now going over (wedding budgets always do) and they're trying to recoup costs where they can.

But it's ridiculous. At the very least, can your husband not say, look, I thought you were paying and I really can't afford it but if you send me a picture of the suit I'll try and match it as closely as I can in the sales? Then he gets to keep it, it can be cheaper (and really, ushers, who cares what they wear) and maybe they'll realise that it's not appropriate?

aokay · 18/05/2010 13:45

reckon you can't win here, would say whatever you do will cause friction so I'd cut losses and run!.........if you discuss the issue frankly and remind groom he offered to foot expenses,he'll just get mad at being reminded he's in the wrong - you can't mess up your own finances over this, not worth it - really outraged bride now texting you for money. Would talk it over with but in context of his sick leave etc, just cancel - if you tell them he's either too unwell to make it or come up with a family reason you can't attend, end of problem.....and don't spend lots on a present either!. We paid for dresses, usher's gear etc as we could'nt expect people to foot bill for our event and our personal taste. If anyone asked my daughters to be bridesmaids and specified outfits I would not pay. (sorry if that's awful). Think this pair know they're wrong but are banking on your politeness - don't suffer because you're polite/care - you'll be fed up if you feel taken for ride over this.

aokay · 18/05/2010 13:50

sorry, talk it over with your dh - I gave bridesmaids their dresses in expectation they would keep?, did other people get theirs back? - is there a list of rules anywhere for all this stuFf!

StrawberriesAndCherries · 18/05/2010 14:06

SkipHopJump -YANBU at all!! An agreement is an agreement, they should stick to theirs. BTW did you text her back on sunday?

MrsTicklemouse · 18/05/2010 14:19

That is shockingly rude! You are most definitely Not being unreasonable

Also, procrastinating dreadfully, I have just googled several wedding hire companies, and even the fanciest of morning suits with everything right down to cufflinks don't come out at more than £100ish most of them around the £50 mark, nothing anywhere near £200, I'm sorry to say it but something is very dodgy!

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