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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not be willing to leave behind my newborn for my friends 'no children' wedding.

432 replies

alannabanana · 15/05/2010 23:41

so this wedding is taking place in august by which time i will have a roughly 8wk old newborn. i already have a 17 month DS for whom childcare has been arranged, but i have always said that leaving the newbie will not be feasible as i will be breastfeeding (boobies willing!), and to be honest the venue is a bit of a drive and i would not be able to enjoy myself knowing i had left such a young dependent baby with someone else. (i should say at this juncture that the very kind friend in question who would be taking care of DS and the new baby has v little experience of babies but great with toddlers, and ordinarily i would only trust my mum with the baby but she, and indeed my ENTIRE family, will be on holiday at the time of the wedding.)
i stipulated all this months ago to our supposedly close friends - the bride and groom - especially the part about my family being away and DH's family not being an option because they live nowhere near us, and they seemed ok with us having to bring the newbie, but have just received a phone call tonight saying that actually no children means NO children, even tiny babies. now, DH is actually more upset about this than me as the groom is one of his oldest and closest friends - i am of the opinion that if they don't get that you can't just leave an 8wk old baby willy nilly then theres nothing i can do to convince them - but poor DH is actually quite hurt that his mate has effectively withdrawn our invitation to his wedding, and i think he's well within his rights to be hurt, and a bit cross. is this unreasonable you think? im hoping that this doesnt spell the end of our friendship with them but it is disappointing.

OP posts:
NormaSknockers · 16/05/2010 20:31

We had no children at our wedding, reason being we paid for the wedding ourselves & we just couldn't afford to invite everyone's children. It would have meant going completely over our budget which we just couldn't do but we did however say they were all welcome to the evening as that was a bit more felxible, thankfully most people understood but it did cause a few issues.

We had to go with no children otherwise it wouldn't have been fair to have some children, it was all or none & we had to go with none.

Irritatingly we had 4 people not show up on the day, one because she 'couldn't find anything to wear'. It was so upsetting because straight away that was almost £200 down the drain as we had 4, 3 course meals paid for that didn't get eaten, had we of known they weren't coming it may have allowed us some wiggle room with children.

OP - whilst I agree that it's their day so they can say no children I do think it's very poor of them to string you along saying it was ok then to change their minds.

RedRedWine1980 · 16/05/2010 20:32

Its my attitude too tbh, not my problem if people dont like my wedding/menu/dress/no children please requests.

samsonara · 16/05/2010 20:43

I think it's unreasonable to agree you can bring your baby then for them to change their mind. I don't know about how that changes a long term close friendship but for me, I didn't go to my friend of 20 plus years 40th birthday celebrations because I had a new baby childcare she really took it personally and our friendship has floundered gradually since then.

The thing is I have no regrets at all about not wanting to leave my baby and I still feel like that, so I say go with your gut feelings about what you want to do about this wedding. It won't necessarily spoil the friendship if you don't go, it depends on them.

I'm going to a family wedding later this year and only the immediate family are allowed to bring children, that I imagine is more annoying than no children allowed at all for other guests.

LadyBiscuit · 16/05/2010 20:44

'My big day'
Yuck
Yuck
Yuck
Memememememe

Why don't you just stick a big fuck off statue of yourself on the top of a big building and have done with it?

samsonara · 16/05/2010 20:46

sorry that was meant to say childcare was a problem

Northernlurker · 16/05/2010 20:48

Red - it is your problem actually because people do think badly of people who make that sort of demand.

'It's our day' - seems to be shorthand for people being as selfish as they like. I don't think that's a great foundation to build a marriage on.

If you have funds for 80 guests then you invite eveybody to the church and invite your 60 closest friends and family and their children to the reception- because once you have kids you do come as a unit.

RedRedWine1980 · 16/05/2010 20:58

Some people do- others accept others wishes even if its not what they'd do themselves- its one day when people have a say in something thats all about them, if that makes people selfish then so be it. Dont like the 'rules' dont go! Ive been invited to birthday parties/hen nights etc that ive thought nope, not my cup of tea or not convenient to me/too expensive etc so ive not gone and accepted its not down to me to decide who does what but its up to ME to go or not.

LetThereBeRock · 16/05/2010 21:00

Sorry why do you come as a unit when you have children?

Can't you go anywhere without them? Does that mean they go to pubs and clubs too when you have a night out with friends?

I can understand it with a baby but not with older children.

Mij · 16/05/2010 21:10

I can understand their point of view - everyone would feel bad/cross/whatever if your no-doubt edible 8wk old kicked off in the middle of the vows. However, they haven't 'withdrawn' the invite to all of you. We all know that we have to make sacrifices when we have kids. I had to miss a couple of weddings when both mine were tiny and totally boob-dependent, one of them being my own decision (see above re: screaming during the service). Perhaps they have a load of other friends with kids? It would be hard to say yes to you and no to all the others, no..?

So YANBU to not want to leave your newborn. however, you may be being a teeny bit U expecting them to make an exception for you, however far back the friendship goes. Hope you can all work it out without falling out

RedRedWine1980 · 16/05/2010 21:14

So not wanting kids at a wedding means not having a good foundation to build a marriage on? PMSL people, this thread is quite funny really.

katela86 · 16/05/2010 21:16

i took an 8 week old baby to our own wedding. it was wonderful to have him there - all the guests cuddled him, passed him round and made such a fuss of him. He sat in the front row on my mother-in-laws knee during the service and was quite happy.
i breast fed him during the reception with my specially altered wedding dress on. i've always thought of weddings as being about the joing of families, so all generations should be there.

one day your friends will have children of their own and understand that a newborn needs their mummy pretty much constantly. then they will realise what they asked of you.

wonderingwondering · 16/05/2010 21:20

I think people are saying an inability to empathise and consider others isn't a good basis for a long & happy marriage.

But I suppose you don't distinguish between an 8 wk old BF baby and 'other children' until you've had one. I wouldn't have been aware of the implications of BF, the emotional bond with a newborn etc and wd have assumed the mother could just express or leave formula while she had a 'good break' from the baby.

RedRedWine1980 · 16/05/2010 21:32

Who says you cant empathise with others just because you request no children on your own wedding day!

minxofmancunia · 16/05/2010 21:46

Agree with redredwine re some posters basically implying you won't have a happy marriage if you stipulate no children WTF!

BUt...saying that YANBu re an 8 week old baby. we said no kids but made an exception for babies. I loved our wedding and would say no kids again. If we went to a wedding I'd prob only take my dcs to the day bit and take them home before dinner, too much of a headache having them there.

for as much as people go on about "bridezillas"
a lot of you lot are "childzillas". It's their wedding day it's one day, their day they don't want kids there UP TO THEM. And perfectly acceptable IMO.

trellism · 16/05/2010 21:53

Red, what you have said suggests a shitty attitude towards other people. Yes, you can't please everyone, but what is the point of inviting anyone to a social occasion if you don't give a toss whether they enjoy themselves or not?

The bride at the last wedding I attended said no children: she explained that the reception venue was very small and there would not be enough room for the many kids in her enormous family.

I was allowed to bring dd, of course. She is six months old, takes up very little space, and eats mainly milk and perhaps the odd stick of cucumber. Did she cry during the ceremony? No, but I sat near the back so I could sneak her out if she did. Did the sky fall in? No. We all had a lovely time.

Dancergirl · 16/05/2010 21:56

Haven't read all the posts but in a way it's a shame you asked beforehand. You could have just turned up on the day with newborn in tow. What would they do - they're not going to chuck you out are they?? If they question it, you could plead innocence and say of course you left your toddler at home but didn't think a newborn baby sleeping in a pram in the corner hardly constitutes 'children' does it?!

wonderingwondering · 16/05/2010 21:58

The lack of empathy that people are referring to is the inability to understand that you can't just dump an 8 wk old BF baby for a day & a night.

But the second point I made is that, unless you've had an 8 wk old BF baby, you probably won't understand that you can't just leave a bottle of formula and swan off for the day.

My own view is that if people don't want children at their wedding, then up to them. But including newborn babies in that does mean that people just can't attend, so you end up losing a guest or two for the sake of a very minor adjustment to your day - a pram in the corner of the church/reception.

Claridges · 16/05/2010 22:00

I agree with minxofmancunia if the couple getting married want to have a grown up day without kids that is there choice. It is their day and they are paying for it. It isn't a personal thing, they are planning their day and it don't want a bunch of kids running around. As other posters have said if you say yes to one you have to yes to everyone. You are going to have a beautiful new born baby, so sit this one out. Surely being with your baby at home where you have everything you need and you are both comfortable is more important than this wedding. Your friends are not being personal (although it may feel like it) and your situation is one of many tricky issues they are no doubt trying to navigate. A wedding is one day and if you have been friends with these people for a long time, one day is not worth falling out over.

BritFish · 16/05/2010 22:01

okay, all those posters who keep saying that saying 'its my big day' and not inviting kids is selfish inconsiderate etc:

are you all saying that you get all pissy when a friend invited you to their birthday party and not your kids?

not much difference after all. might be a bit longer [we have afternoon/evening parties with my lot though...mmm...BBQ...]

but seriously, do you call your friends selfish for excluding your kids at every event?
how about funerals?

omaoma · 16/05/2010 22:17

of course children should go to funerals! and for what it's worth, i'm not saying people's marriages won't last if they don't like the idea of kids at weddings, just that that is a standpoint i don't understand and confuses me greatly.

trellism · 16/05/2010 22:17

The BritFish Dictionary:

Bride (n): A fickle goddess whose interests and demands take precedence over all others. Known to trample over all in her path. Her sociopathic behaviour is excused by worshippers with the chant "Its her special day, hun" (note: worshippers traditionally omit the apostrophe in rendering this chant in text). Bride is said to be invincible and completely self absorbed. Only vulnerable to a Child (ibid), especially a Baby (ibid).

Wedding (n): An act of worship performed by unwilling supplicants of "Bride" (ibid), and entirely for her benefit and pleasure. The potency of the Wedding ritual is utterly neutralised by the presence of a Child (ibid).

Friend (n): A minor performer whose sole duty is to act in worship of Bride (ibid) in a Wedding (ibid). Of no relevance except in their ability to please Bride.

Child (n): A demon, to be cast back to hell to prevent the despoiling of the purity of the goddess Bride (ibid) in the Worship of the Wedding (ibid).

Baby (n): The most dangerous genus of the "Child" demon (ibid).

BattyKoda · 16/05/2010 22:18

RedRedWine - No. No I don't know how they have the nerve. IMO it's rude and ignorant to suggest a mother should leave an 8 month old behind whilst she 'takes part' in someone elses day. You invite guests to a wedding, not props to look good in the photos.

LetThereBeRock · 16/05/2010 22:22

Perhaps you should look through that dictionary of yours Trellism for the word 'hyperbole'.

MintHumbug · 16/05/2010 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LetThereBeRock · 16/05/2010 22:26

Why not an encyclopedia while you're there?

You may be surprised to find that the universe does not revolve around children.