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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to think that a 5 year old looking after a 3 year old is a bit dodgy?

145 replies

joannabaranna · 15/05/2010 19:18

Just found a very slight acquaintance's 2 kids (5 and 3!) playing in the street with their front door open. Said their dad had just gone out to the car and they'd been waiting for him to get back. They trotted off to the car park to look for him (leaving the front door wide open) but he was nowhere in sight. My 2 year old started playing with them on the pavement and I asked the 5 year old whether he had any older brothers, sisters, mum etc at home - no, mum was away and he was the oldest. After about 25 minutes I thought I'd leave a note on the door for the dad and take them to our house just up the street for tea (it was 6pm). They got me a paper and pen and I left a short note saying "Kids are at [address] - they weren't sure where you were - found them in the street!" As I was leaving the note on the door the dad got back, pretty pissed off to see me there, tore the note off the door and said "he knows he's not supposed to go out of the front door". House, by the way, was a tip. He had told them he was going out to the car and had gone to the shops instead.

I'm inclined not to do anything about it but it makes me uncomfortable... Any thoughts?

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 15/05/2010 19:23

Well, that's not a 5yo looking after a 3yo, is it! It's two children left alone.

MrsGravy · 15/05/2010 19:24

I'd be inclined to do something.

He basically left a 5 and 3 year old completely alone for 25 minutes - that's pretty serious, they were lucky you happened along before they got to the car park all on their own.

I have children the exact same age and I would never leave them alone for that amount of time. Actually it makes me quite tearful to think of kids that age all on their own for that length of time Mine would be very frightened

I'd be calling Social Services.

Avad · 15/05/2010 19:24

Some would disagree with me but I think it's definitely something that needs looking at.

LionsAreScary · 15/05/2010 19:25

YANBU - That situation would make me very uncomfortable, too. It is slightly strange, and worrying. Not sure what I would have done though. Do you know the mum at all?

mumbar · 15/05/2010 19:26

agree with mrsgravy.

YANBU

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 15/05/2010 19:26

More than 'abit dodgy'. 25 mins is a hell of a long time, no excuse at all. Popping next door for literally a minute is quite bad, this is extreme. He could have at least taken them. Awful and I would be ringing SS TBH.

Lulumaam · 15/05/2010 19:26

it is totally inappropriate to leave a 5 and 3 yr old home alone , certainly for more than 25 minutes !! of course he'd told them not to go out of the door, but they're little children ! without the foresight and understanding as to why going out of the front door is a bad thing.. that is why young children need someone older and responsible to look after them

i'd be inclined to mention it to the mum ....

not sure re reporting it , but it does smack of neglect, even if a one off, but saying that 'ehe knows he's not supposed to go out of the front door' implies this might be something regular..

LionsAreScary · 15/05/2010 19:28

The Dad's rudeness to you suggests he was guilty and embarrassed being caught out - i.e. he knew what he was doing was wrong.

TopsyKretts · 15/05/2010 19:28

The house being a tip is a red herring, unless it was a social-services-requiring-style hovel.

But it's not right to leave two kids that age alone, and I would be saying to him that he could be reported for that, and keep my eye open to make sure it didn't happen again. Try not to sound too oppositional though, because he will just shut down. Ideally you need to find out if the mum is 'away' for a short while, or if she has left home and he might be struggling and in need of support from Sure Start or similar. He sounds rather irresponsible, but it's a question of whether he needs some professional input or not.

MadamDeathstare · 15/05/2010 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCrackFox · 15/05/2010 19:31

I think you need to phone social services about this. 5 and 3 yr olds are far, far too young to be left alone for any amount of time.

nooka · 15/05/2010 19:33

I think I'd be inclined to at least take some advice on this one - maybe ring an advice line or something? It's just that this doesn't sound like a total one off from his reaction.

slushy06 · 15/05/2010 19:33

I would def look into it further and if I didn't get a good reception of the mum I would report to ss. The reaction IMO says it was not an emergency and that he was feeling guilty.

If something happened emergency like (not that I can think of any circumstance in which I would do this) and I had to leave my dc I would probably be so embarrassed that I would have explained to you and been grateful that you looked out for my dc. Report him.

slushy06 · 15/05/2010 19:37

Also if he is just going through a difficult time ss don't just go in and rip the kids out they will support him if he is having trouble dealing.

Original poster
joannabaranna · 15/05/2010 22:03

Thanks for all the comments guys.

I don't know the mum, I just recognise the dad from a few times over our local park where my 2 y/o and I hang out. The 5 y/o said "mum's away in Bristol". (About 300 miles from here!) You're right, the state of the house is a red herring - but it might mean there's a problem and he's finding it hard to cope.

The 2 kids showed absolutely no signs of distress, both very articulate and thought coming round to my house for pizza would be a great adventure. Which just makes you worry even more about them being vulnerable to "stranger danger".

The dad definitely knew he'd been caught out. Practically shut the door in my face. Certainly no "Thanks for making sure my kids didn't get run over!"

I think my first step is to go round and have a word with him and see if he's OK or if he needs some help with the kids.

OP posts:
TopsyKretts · 15/05/2010 22:21

I think you're right.

nighbynight · 15/05/2010 22:22

I would mention it to the mum, when the dad isnt around.

It sounds like the sort of thing my ex does.

fyimate · 15/05/2010 22:25

Men dont seem to get how dangerous that is! If a woman did it they'd attack her left right and centre! But they seem to think it's ok when they do it! It's never ok!

I'd be wary, if SS are called he'll probably know it was you...
And he's probably seeing you as nosy, not concerned in a good way!

Btw, Social Services can ruin families so tread carefully.

nighbynight · 15/05/2010 22:30

fyi, my ex is a complete tosser though!

A few years ago, he was with the children while I had to go abroad, and he was sending them to school in dirty clothes, and generally neglecting them. The school phoned me twice, to ask when I was coming home, saying they had concerns about the children. I will always be grateful that they did not bring SS in with all guns blazing.

PlasticPlates · 15/05/2010 22:31

I agree with you about going round there.

I would go round tomorrow to see the Dad in a kind of neighbourly and conciliatory way. Maybe saying something aLong hte lines of -

"I'm sorry if you thought I was interfering yesterday............if you're ever stuck for someone to keep an eye on the kids for half an hour, feel free to knock on my door..."

Much better than ringing social services whilst you twitch your lace curtains and tut tut...........

SrStanislaus · 15/05/2010 22:35

In your shoes I would approach the Dad in the spirit of helping . Apart from the house being a tip-which as we all know is possible from the most hands on parents at times- the kids and dad seem okay.
I think you're right about the embarassment on dads part and it would be a kindness to him to go and tell him that you can be there if needed In an emergency .
That way you show him that you had the kids best interests at heart and are willing to be a good neighbour -plus you are keeping a future watch out for the kids. He should know that it always pays to remember that others are watching even when we are not aware of it.

I wouldnt involve anyone else at this point.
Hands up all those who are perfect parents 100% of the time...

scottishmummy · 15/05/2010 22:35

go round challenge neighbour about parenting?aye thats a really good idea

dont forget to perhaps ask if the weans eat their 5 a day while you are at it

given op says the dad was "pretty pissed off to see me there" hes hardly likely to welcome a wee word

SrStanislaus · 15/05/2010 22:36

Cross post .I really should take a touch typing class

nighbynight · 15/05/2010 22:40

sm, nobody said owt about challenging. That is unnecessarily aggressive.

It is possible that the dad, like my ex, is very arrogant and thinks that he is always right - thats why I would get in touch with the mum if poss.

Missus84 · 15/05/2010 22:40

I'd try to mention it to the mum, but it's not something I'd call social services over.

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