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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend shouldn't be discussing this yet with her 12 year old dd (bit intimate0

104 replies

Curiousmama · 15/05/2010 11:24

She's been discussing puberty etc.. with her dd who's starting to change slowly. That's a good thing as I believe you need to be open and able to talk about this sort of thing.

But she's also said she'll show her how to shave her lady bits when she needs to. I know my friend is obsessed with this for herself but surely her dd should choose? Not that I want to know but I just feel it's going a bit too far. Or am I being stuffy, is this the norm? I only have dss but have lots of girls in my family and have never heard of this?

Btw friend isn't a mumsnetter so won't see this. Although tbh, if it came up I'd say it to her face that I think she should let her decide.

OP posts:
Zondra · 15/05/2010 13:21

Firawla,culturally it is fine for you but,as a non-Muslim the connotations are definitely sexual for me.
I suppose we all have different ideas on this.

To me the mother is wrong- & especially more so if not for religious/cultural reasons she's encouraging the hair removal.

Fact of the matter, the daughter now will probably have hang-ups about shaving thanks to mum & shall forever more be part of the growing numbers who think a hairy muff is unhygienic & ugly.

LynetteScavo · 15/05/2010 13:34

Are we sure the mum is talking full Brazilian?

EricNorthmansmistress · 15/05/2010 14:00

Firawla
it might be normal in your own family culture but it's certainly not a universal muslim practice - my SILs only start shaving their body hair after they got married, which is completely the norm in their country. For them, it is absolutely a sexual thing. There is absolutely no need to remove pubic hair for hygeine reasons, a daily wash is quite sufficient. Nor is there really any reason to remove underarm hair, but I wouldn't have a problem with a DD doing that as if not she would be likely to stand out amongst her peers. whereas if teenage girls ever saw each others' vulvas (which they don't tend to) the girl with no hair would be the one who stood out. Ick.

Butterpie · 15/05/2010 14:10

Ick. One of the indications that DP was better than my ex was that he didn't care about body hair. What a recipe for hangups!

Underarm hair doesn't smell either if you keep it clean...

Jux · 15/05/2010 14:25

I have tried very hard to discourage my dd from shaving her legs. She has very fine blonde hairs on them, they're almost invisible.

We haven't talked about shaving her fanny and I hope we never do. Underarm hairs for both of us are minimal. I don't shave them and I suspect it'll be a while before dd thinks of doing so.

I think this obsession people have about shaving is a bit of a shame (though I do treat my moustache as it won't grow long enough for me to plait it).

BertieBotts · 15/05/2010 14:48

Butterpie, hear hear!

Although in my experience, underarm hair does smell even if I wash, so it seems easier to shave it off.

I don't bother shaving my legs though unless I am actually going to be wearing a skirt or something. Sometimes shave a little bit off the bottom near my ankles.

QOD · 15/05/2010 15:13

eww no total trimming is just wrong on a kid

Thediaryofanobody · 15/05/2010 15:18

I think it pretty bizarre surely it then teaches her DD that this the 'right' way to go making it sound like everyone does it when in fact it's a personal choice we need to make for ourselves.

piprabbit · 15/05/2010 15:32

Trying to imagine that conversation.
Mother sits down with daughter for a little chat...

'Now darling, you are getting older and are beginning to become a woman. Your body will be changing and developing in lots of different ways. Everybody goes through these changes, it is all very natural. Except the hair, it is disgusting and all traces of hair must be removed from your body, here let me show you'.

LynetteScavo · 15/05/2010 15:41

God I wish my mother had had that conversation with me.

My dad never did seem to notice I used his razor.

tittybangbang · 15/05/2010 16:10

My 10 year old dd has got some pubic hair. She said she thought it was gross and could I wax it off for her. I reminded her how much it hurt to have a plaster taken off and also told her it was better to accept a certain level of hairiness, otherwise she was setting herself up for a lifetime of onerous depilation (she is a dark-skinned and hairy young woman). Personally I think bushy pubes are fab, but that's only because I've got them and can't be arsed to deal with it. Hope dd will be able to embrace her hairiness when the time comes....

foureleven · 15/05/2010 18:28

I have to say for me it isnt only a sexual thing but also hygiene.. but thats because I am hung up about it not because it is ACTUALLY unhygeinic. So I wouldnt pass that on to my daughter.

CarmenSanDiego · 15/05/2010 18:34

Well, men don't shave their underarm hair do they?

Why is it only hygienic for women to do so?

grapeandlemon · 15/05/2010 18:36

"Her daughter her choice?"

There is a big difference between advising on hair removal around a bikini line and encouraging a full on hollywood.

The mind boggles it really does.

biddyofsuburbia · 15/05/2010 18:38

Don't know if YABU I've got a way to go before this type of chat with my own dd - if I did have the chat though I wouldn't be recommending shaving as the solution to unruly pubes especially to a pre-teen - I saw what my sdd did to her legs when she started shaving

bluejeans · 18/05/2010 18:40

I was reminded of this thread today. Phoned the hairdresser to book haircuts for myself and DD, the receptionist asked the age of my DD. She's 10

I then asked if I could book an eyebrow wax. Receptionist said 'is it for yourself or your daughter?'

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 18/05/2010 18:48

Oh I so wish that it was more acceptable to be hairy in our culture. It's such a stupid hang-up to have. I hate shaving my legs and pits - takes so long and I know that it only bothers me because of my cultural conditioning. I would love my daughters to grow up feeling happy with hairy legs and pits etc. but I doubt that will happen when there are so many people around that think it's disgusting .

I bleach my moustache and I think I'd do that cultural conditioning or not.

And hurray for Butterpie's DH - mine's the same. He says he prefers me with shaven pits and legs but it doesn't put him off if I don't shave for a while. And my bush gets just a trim - that's all.

2shoes · 18/05/2010 18:51

yanbu
shaving legs and pits yes, maybe even bikini line.........but the rest is ott for a teen

foreverastudent · 18/05/2010 18:59

Does no-one else think doing a Hollywood on a 12 year old is perilously close to child abuse?

minipie · 18/05/2010 19:04

bloody hell. poor daughter.

I didn't even know that some women removed all their pubic hair until I was, er, about 20 or so . And I think I was probably much happier without that knowledge.

Teens have enough body hang ups without being taught that their pubes need to be removed.

And won't she just get itchy ingrowing hairs and end up even more embarrassed?

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 18/05/2010 19:28

Oh, and what's a hollywood?

AndieWalsh · 18/05/2010 19:32

What a repulsive idea. Not the 'intimate' bit of it (not squeamish at all about discussing sexuality, puberty etc with young people), but to encourage your daughter to remove her pubic hair is wrong on so very many levels.

foreverastudent · 18/05/2010 19:36

Hollywood is no hair at all.

minipie- I hadn't heard of it until well into my mid 20s

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 18/05/2010 19:40

Oh...so what's a brazilian then, 'cos I thought that was no hair at all!

Gigantaur · 18/05/2010 19:45

DD is 5 but has lots of very dark obvious hair,. just like me.
I have already decided that she will be allowed to shave as soon as she goes to senior school.

She has seen me shaving before so knows all about it. as and when the time comes i will be happy for her to ask and for me to explain. not sure i will give her a demo....its bad enough having to look at my own fanjo let alone flashing it to my dd.