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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it me or the other mum that is being unreasonable

33 replies

xstitch · 13/05/2010 09:23

I was told at the school gates today that my daughter is entirely responsible for the bad behaviour of another child. I am horrified and feeling sick. struggling to type here through the tears. Obviously I want to do something about this and before someone accuses me of showing an 'oh no not my angel attitude I am not. I asked what exactly it was my dd had done. I was told just because. I said that obviously if my daughter was misbehaving I wanted to do something about it but could not tell her I was disciplining her 'just because' I need to tell her not to do a, b or c. the other parent just flounced off saying I was obviously unfit. I have asked he teacher and she seemed bemused about what dd may have done, saying she is a credit to me.

I am so confused.

OP posts:

LoveBeingAHungParliament · 13/05/2010 09:23

No confustion, other mother is a tit.

fernie3 · 13/05/2010 09:24

the other mother is being unreasonable. Even if your child had done something specific wrong (which it doesn't sound like she has) then NO child is entirely responsible for the behavior of another.
Ignore her.

GypsyMoth · 13/05/2010 09:25

do you know the other mother...i would catch her later and ask her to elaborate!! and say school have no clue what she's talking about..

werewolf · 13/05/2010 09:25

YANBU.

Chin up. x

Lonnie · 13/05/2010 09:28

err no confusion you daughter CANT make anothe child misbehave it is always an active choice of that child..

the mother clearly has no clue how to communicate so likely her darling lil girl hasnt either

if the teacher has no worries I would just forget about it have a extra cuddle w your dd and then thank the heavens that you have such alovely girl

savoycabbage · 13/05/2010 09:28

Me too, confused I mean. So this person said that your dd was responsible for her dd doing something but she wouldn't tell you what it is? And you asked her teacher and she hadn't a clue.

She must be mad then. The teacher seems to think your little girl is the bees knees so try not to get too upset. Poor you. Some people are loons and you can't reason with them. Dis you read the thread a little while back about the twins who cut a little girl's hair at school when playing hairdressers anfd the mother went on and on and on and on at the twins mother.

Don't cry.

ajandjjmum · 13/05/2010 09:29

Similar thing happened to me when dd was about 12 - the other mother told me that her daughter was incapable to misbehaving - and she knew that because she was just like her!!!

Stupid woman - but it caused waves at the time.

Try not to worry about it - impossible I know!

BabyDubsEverywhere · 13/05/2010 09:30

Shes being a bitch, trying to blame you/your child/your parenting so she doesnt have to face the fact that her dd is not so darling afterall. Ignore her, or better than that, tell her how perfect your child is with a really smug grin, that'll piss her off!

DetectivePotato · 13/05/2010 09:31

Sounds like the other mums PFB has been misbehaving when her 'little angel' could never do such a thing so she is blaming your DD.

I too would say that you have asked the teacher and they have no idea what she is talking about. Shame her into saying more.

Hassled · 13/05/2010 09:32

The other mother is INSANE. Are there any other mothers you can ask WTF she is on about? Does this mother have previous as a nutter?

wannaBe · 13/05/2010 09:35

no yanbu.

Her own child is responsible for her behavior.

I would just ignore the stupid cow but if she says anything to you again then I would just say: "Well having spoken to the school they have assured me that my daughter is not responsible for your daughter's behavior. So perhaps you should look at your own child's behavior before laying the blame on mine." Then walk away with your head held high.

Original poster

xstitch · 13/05/2010 09:36

I asked a couple of the other mums on the way home but they were all wtf is she on about. If I ever find out she has done anything specific she will be told off but I am refusing to tell her off just because. For a start don't see what she would learn from that.

OP posts:

Downdog · 13/05/2010 09:40

I'm sure once you've sat down for a bit & had a cuppa you will see very clearly from reading your post that YANBU & the other Mum is bonkers for laying that dreadful tripe on you & your daughter.

gotta think she has ISSUES!

freebirdx · 13/05/2010 09:44

yanbu, some mothers will never admit their child could do any wrong.

have a cup of tea and forget about it.

cupcakesandbunting · 13/05/2010 09:46

It's not YOU that anyone would accuse of having an "not my angel" attitude, it's the other mum. My DS plays with another child that bites his own mum and is generally a little terror but it doesn't rub off on DS. If the other child has joined in some high jinks with your child, then that's the other child's choice and mummy dearest needs to accept that her child is as capable of being naughty as anyone else's.

FranSanDisco · 13/05/2010 09:53

I would tell this mother to take her problems through the school. I had a 'father' confront my mother and ds on the way out of school one day as ds had run into his 'dd' and she got a nose bleed. They were reception age at the time. It was an accident, it had been dealt with by his teacher. She had spoken to ds about taking care etc. The father told my mother that ds wasn't being raised properly. I reported him to the school and he was spoken to. He was one of many partners and 'fathers' this child ended up with and a little unhinged imho .

cory · 13/05/2010 09:54

We do get this from time to time on Mumsnet: my little darling is a lovely boy, but his horrible friend is just making him misbehave in class/use rude language/fight in the playground. Some parents are simply incapable of handling the idea of their children making choices.

buttonmoonice · 13/05/2010 09:57

YANBU, she sounds like an idiot imo, she must have perfect kids

islandofsodor · 13/05/2010 09:59

Some children can be a bad influence on others, I can think of numerous examples in my sons class but it is a concern that should be addressed with the teacher, backed up by specific examples.

The bad influence children in ds's class have star charts and various measures in place. I would never dream of confronting teir parents. My ds has been led astray at times but as he gets older it isjust something he is going to have to learn. Hoiw to not let others bad behaviour affect you. At 6 it is difficult but you just keep chipping away with teacher support.

squeaver · 13/05/2010 10:00

Yes, do what Wannabe says.

Did she really say "just because"?? Is she 5?

Original poster

xstitch · 13/05/2010 10:08

Yes she said just because . The children are 5, maybe she has just picked it up from them.

islandofsodor At no point have I said that my dd cannot have done anything to adversely influence this other child. My problem is I cannot tell her off on the basis of 'just because'. I need to know of something specific so I can explain to her what is wrong with her behaviour. Nobody else, including the teacher seem to be aware of what she may have done. What exactly would punishing my daughter 'just because' achieve? In fact I worry doing that would cause her to misbehave more as it does not tackle specific aspects of behaviour.

OP posts:

islandofsodor · 13/05/2010 10:16

I'm agreeing with you xstitch, Yes it does happen but seemingly not inyour dd's case.

ajandjjmum · 13/05/2010 10:21

Tell her that her dd is a little cow - and when she asks why, say 'just because......'

Not really - you've got to be the bigger person!

bran · 13/05/2010 10:25

My DS is 5 and is always blaming his behaviour on others. It's always "X told me to do it" or "Y pushed me first and I was just pushing him back". The difference between me and the mother who accosted you is that I can recognise that DS can cause havoc with or without assistance.

I feel a bit sorry for her DD, as she has an opportunity to teach her that we can't control other people's actions only our own response to them. Instead she is teaching her DD that if you get into trouble what you should do it seek to lay the blame on someone else instead of taking responsibility for what you've done.

In case that makes me sound desperately smug, I'd like to point out that despite my fine sounding words my DS is still challenging in school and sometimes surprises even me with the inventiveness of his disruptive behaviour.

thehillsarealive · 13/05/2010 10:26

tell her to go fuck herself, just 'coz.

Seriously, if she doesnt elaborate there isnt anything for you to address your DD about.

And in any case, any grievances at school should be dealt with at school, by the teaching staff, not by the parents at the school gates.

YANBU

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