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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to get a cleaner in to help out or should I be able to cope?

79 replies

XboxWidow30 · 10/05/2010 21:48

Ok, I am a stay at home mum to 4 children aged between 12 and 6 mths. My eldest has ADHD and is a handful all the time. Some times I feel he is more hard work than the new(ish) baby is!

Anyway, I can't seem to keep on top of housework, constant clothes washing etc...

My husband works full time and so he thinks that he doesn;t need to help with ANYTHING at home. He comes in and expects his dinner ready etc... and tonight he came in the front door straight into the front room and sat down and put the cricket on!

Anyway, is my husband right? Should I be able to cope with 4 children and ALL of the housework, cooking, cleaning, school runs, food shopping etc.... or can I justify getting a little bit of help?

It might make him start helping out more because I don't think he would want to pay for extra help???

ANy advice helpful, just so I know.

OP posts:

SixtyFootDoll · 10/05/2010 21:50

Tell him he either helps out ( which he should anyaway)
or pays up

junglist1 · 10/05/2010 21:50

Bloody hell if you can afford a cleaner get one!!! What you on here for, get on the phone!!

gingernutlover · 10/05/2010 21:51

when is the last time he stayed at home for a day with all 4 children and also had to do some basic chores?

I dont think you are being unreasonable, how many of your children are at school btw?

do you get your groceries delivered?

Vallhala · 10/05/2010 21:51

Goodness, I'm a lone mum and struggle with a 15yo and a difficult 13yo, god knows how I'd cope in your shoes. Go for it.As you say, if your DH doesn't want to pay for help he will have to assist you himself.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 10/05/2010 21:52

Definitely get some help. Having had an ADHD child (who was only one of two not four) I know what incredibly hard work they can be. (They do get better with age though. )

Original poster

XboxWidow30 · 10/05/2010 21:53

He has never had all 4 to look after on his own for the day.

2 at school at the moment, 3 of them will be in September.

We don;t get groceries delivered very often.

OP posts:

Original poster

XboxWidow30 · 10/05/2010 21:56

amothersplaceisinthewrong; we were hoping he does get better with age.

Until then its a struggle with him. I just want to be able to leave him for 5 minutes and know when I go back to him he has done what he has been asked and not still standing there, lol!

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 10/05/2010 21:57

Do it if you can afford it....just make sure you are not being ripped off by an agency....much better to find an individual with references.....I had cleaners when I broke my leg and 2 people charged £47 pounds for 45 minutes in my house....nothing was done properly

zippy539 · 10/05/2010 21:57

Get a cleaner.

Also, if at all possible find an excuse (even if fabricated) to get DH to take all four for a day - preferably with some 'usual' tasks thrown in - food shopping, dropping one of them off somewhere, attending playgroup with a little one, helping with homework.

I genuinely think that a lot of partners completely underestimate the chaos of an average day at home!

3cats3dogs · 10/05/2010 21:57

Go away for a week. Leave him with all four dc's. Tell him you expect to return to the house in the same condition as you left it.

Then let him decide.

Or save the bother, and just get a cleaner

shockers · 10/05/2010 21:58

How long is his working day? How long is yours?

If he considers it to be 'your job' then you are entitled to time off too.

I'd love to have someone who would clean for me .

Original poster

XboxWidow30 · 10/05/2010 22:00

3cats3dogs, I would love to leave him for a week! Oh what a dream!

The house is far from tidy and I would love it to be. My husband is always saying that he would like the house to be spotless but then never does anything to help make it that way.

I try, I really do.

OP posts:

Louplet · 10/05/2010 22:01

You should definitely get a cleaner. Even just a couple of hours a week can really take the pressure off.

Why should you work 24/7 and your DP only work office hours? That is hardly reasonable on his part.

Pancakeflipper · 10/05/2010 22:01

If you can afford - try it. You can spend time doing other stuff and be happy...

gingernutlover · 10/05/2010 22:02

start by getting groceries delivered then, cost is minimal but should probably help as it is one less thing to do.

also it would help to cook in bulk and freeze dishes ready to just get out the freezer on busy days.

but ...

I also think you have to make your dh realise what you do in a day - one way or another he has to realise how much you do and that you need help.

Have you sat him down and told him how you are feeling? Here's hoping he is simply being a bit thick and doesnt get it, rather than the alternative.

Tryharder · 10/05/2010 22:03

I think you could definitely justify the extra help. It all depends on your standards of cleanliness, of course but 4 children is a lot to deal with without any help at all whether from family or paid employees.

I think the problem with getting a cleaner is that generally they only come once a week so if your place needs cleaning only once a week then fine (i.e you are childless and at work most of the time so the place never gets that bad). But your main problem with a lot of children is the constant, daily mess/debris they create - more untidiness than actual dirt, I would say and you will find that many cleaners will refuse to tidy and will just work around mess. There's not a lot of point paying a cleaner to make the house presentable on, say, Friday if by Saturday evening it is in chaos again.

If I were you, I would spend my money on someone to do a specific task like ironing (they will come to your house, take it away and then return it) then you have one less "big" job to do.

Original poster

XboxWidow30 · 10/05/2010 22:03

He leaves for work at between 7-8 am and gets home between 5-5.30. Monday to Friday.

I am sometimes up in the night still with 6 mth old but not often. Then up about 6 am with whoever wakes first. 2 middle children are usually in bed by 7 pm, baby between 7-8 pm and then eldest is meant to be 9 pm but usually a fight until about 10 pm so I suppose my day ends around then, unless I then try and catch up on jobs once they are all finally in bed. Plus its still me that does it all at the weekends!

OP posts:

whatname · 10/05/2010 22:04

I only read that you have 4 children............GET A CLEANER!

Original poster

XboxWidow30 · 10/05/2010 22:05

tryharder, very good advice. I hadn't thought of it like that. Thank you.

Ironing probably not the best example as I try not to do it unless its VERY needed!

I know exactly what you mean though, thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

XboxWidow30 · 10/05/2010 22:06

Lol, whatname. 4 very unhelpful children, I am sure by now they could all have a small chore to do! Well, apart from the 6 mth old of course!

OP posts:

foreverastudent · 10/05/2010 22:07

he sounds like a tyrant, why do you put up with him treating you like a slave? Youare worth more than that. Refuse to do his washing/cooking/cleaning until he shows you some respect.

3cats3dogs · 10/05/2010 22:07

xboxwidow - don't beat yourself up about a messy house, it's not worth it.
Even if your dh did have the house to himself for a week, and it stayed spotless, surely that would mean that he'd spent less time doing stuff with the dc?

In 20 years time, your children will remember being with you, not being in a messy house.

fedupwithdeployment · 10/05/2010 22:09

Your day is harder than his.

I work full time (leave at 7 home at 6), then put the children to bed (we have au pair who does the fetching to/from school). Then I do all the admin, shopping (on line), cook supper, do washing....I used to try and do cleaning but I failed miserably. We now have a cleaner once a week and it makes a difference. It is full on me at the weekends too.

If I didn't have the job (the easy bit imho and I am a lawyer) I would be in lala land.

My DH is not too bad when he is around, but he has been away since November. Doesn't sound to me like you are getting much more from your DH than I am.

gingernutlover · 10/05/2010 22:10

so you do 16 hour days 7 days a week (112 hrs)

he is out of the house around 10 hours a day 5 days a week. (50 hrs)

BelleDameSansMerci · 10/05/2010 22:10

Get a cleaner. Absolutely no way you have time to worry about the house on top of everything else.

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