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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get a cleaner in to help out or should I be able to cope?

79 replies

XboxWidow30 · 10/05/2010 21:48

Ok, I am a stay at home mum to 4 children aged between 12 and 6 mths. My eldest has ADHD and is a handful all the time. Some times I feel he is more hard work than the new(ish) baby is!

Anyway, I can't seem to keep on top of housework, constant clothes washing etc...

My husband works full time and so he thinks that he doesn;t need to help with ANYTHING at home. He comes in and expects his dinner ready etc... and tonight he came in the front door straight into the front room and sat down and put the cricket on!

Anyway, is my husband right? Should I be able to cope with 4 children and ALL of the housework, cooking, cleaning, school runs, food shopping etc.... or can I justify getting a little bit of help?

It might make him start helping out more because I don't think he would want to pay for extra help???

ANy advice helpful, just so I know.

OP posts:
foureleven · 10/05/2010 22:14

You should get a cleaner if you can afford one yes. But that is just a start... A cleaner will help but its the day to day grind of being soley responsible for all of the domestic work that I bet is getting you down.

You should also start a strict chore rota for the kids, how ever young they are. Not only will it help you but it will teach them a multitude of lessons.

You should also inform your DP in a non emotional, non conferentational whay that he works 9 - 5 or whatever he does. When he is home (assuming you have worked hard all day as well as Im sure you do with 4 kids under your feet) you will be sharing the remainder of the days work.

P.s note, if your kids were all at school i'd be telling you to stop flipping moaning and get a job so you could pay for your own cleaner

I have 2 kids, I work full time and so does DP, we have a cleaner who cleans our house for two hours a week for £14.. I didnt lift a finger this weekend just gone. Who could argue thats not money well spent??!!

DumpyOldWoman · 10/05/2010 22:16

Get a cleaner!
But as others have suggested, this is not the full extent of the problem, and the sooner you can leave your DH to look after all 4 for a day, the better. Can you not manufacture some excuse to be away from home one Saturday?

warthog · 10/05/2010 22:17

you have got to get a cleaner or some help in. i personally think it is worth getting a cleaner. at least the bathrooms / kitchen / hoovering will be done once a week. even if it's not enough it's a load off you. if you get a good cleaner, they'll tidy too! mine does. although it's harder to find stuff

as for your dh, he's a wanker. a lazy one at that. i'd love to give him a good kicking for you. hope he's really good otherwise to make up for an attitude like that.

WoofyWifey · 10/05/2010 22:17

Pffft men just haven't got a clue! Get some help, but maybe not a cleaner it doesn't seem practical unless they visit daily

mollymawk · 10/05/2010 22:19

Absolutely get a cleaner/ironer/housekeeper if you can afford it. Tell DH you are doing your bit to help the economic recovery by job creation...

Original poster
XboxWidow30 · 10/05/2010 22:26

warthog, it depends what you mean by really good! He insists on a lie in on a saturday which usually lasts until 10.30 although sometimes 11.30-12, which means if you have been up since 6am with the kids its half a day gone and you lose a saturday by the time he gets up and sorts himself out.

Next Thurs he has taken the day off work to go and watch the golf with his dad and bro, Thurs is my birthday.

OP posts:
33kns · 10/05/2010 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

warthog · 10/05/2010 22:35

he sounds awful xboxwidow

Missus84 · 10/05/2010 22:36

The cleaner isn't the issue, it's your DH!

When is your lie in?

Why does he get to clock off at 5.30pm and you work til 9pm?

You need to get that balance sorted so you and your DH both have the same amount of free time.

PerArduaAdNauseum · 10/05/2010 22:43

Sounds like he's a bit of an arse clueless. Someone on here once linked to a website where you put in everything you do for on childcare, cooking, cleaning etc and it calculated what it would cost an H to buy in the services - anyone know where to find it?

Original poster
XboxWidow30 · 10/05/2010 22:44

I am meant to have Sunday lie in, although last weekend he had 2 of the kiddies at his grandads overnight on the friday night so was up with them on the saturday morning so he claimed my sunday as his lie in! Not a problem as it was bank holiday monday but he slept in on the monday too!

OP posts:
PerArduaAdNauseum · 10/05/2010 22:48

And you call yourself xbox widow - I see a theme developing...

Can you invent a family emergency that means when he comes in the door on Friday evening you thrust the youngest into his arms and dash straight off somewhere for the whole night? With your phone switched off, or just sending - sorry everyone v upset can't talk right now - texts every 30 mins?

KnottyLocks · 10/05/2010 22:49

Get a cleaner. It may not sort the chaos of 4 children but just knowing that your bathroom, toilets and floors have had a serious clean once a week would take some pressure off.

Next, and more importantly:

  1. Book a hair/massage/nail/whatever appointment for Saturday morning.
  1. Arrange to meet a friend for coffee/lunch immediately afterwards.
  1. Wander around the shops at leisure.
  1. Arrive home no earler than 5.30pm.
  1. Ask sweetly what he's made you for tea.
Original poster
XboxWidow30 · 10/05/2010 22:50

sounds like a plan, I may do it! There is a nice new plush hotel down the road might just book myself for the night!

OP posts:
PerArduaAdNauseum · 10/05/2010 22:52

Do it do it do it!

mamas12 · 10/05/2010 22:52

Right if you are a sahm as he thinks this is your job then think of your home as the 'workplace' and you are the managing director okay.

DELEGATE THE TASKS TO HAND.

MANAGE YOUR HOME

Decide what you thing your time could be used most proficently(sp) and then delegate clenaing to a cleaner, dishwasher to the dcs laying and clearing tables to dcs etc. etc.

Put a list up but before you do ask you dh which hjobs he would be prepared to take responsiblitly for and then leave him to do them.

Also golf, on your birthday nooooo

Original poster
XboxWidow30 · 10/05/2010 22:53

Knottylocks, he would shove baby in my arms as soon as i walked in the door and tell me I had had day off and that would be it. He would probably get me to cook dinner cos he had had kids all day.

He would see it like that cos I hadn't been working all day like he does, if you see what I mean?

OP posts:
KnottyLocks · 10/05/2010 22:54

Right, it seems that it's your 5th child that's the problem then.

Original poster
XboxWidow30 · 10/05/2010 22:55

mamas12, golf on my birthday. I am really peeved. He can never see when I am peeved and takes a 'yes you can go' as a yes, even though it was said with my eyes glaring and steam coming from my ears, lol!

Although I wonder why he even had to ask and why he couldn't say no by himself without needing to ask me.

OP posts:
Original poster
XboxWidow30 · 10/05/2010 22:56

Lol, I sometimes tell people I have 5 children.

OP posts:
RedLadyBiscuit · 10/05/2010 22:57

I presume you were both keen on having four children? Just giving him the benefit of the doubt in case he only wanted two or something and you've reneged on contraceptive deals on the latter two or something. Assuming that the former is the case, definitely get a cleaner. Don't ask, just do it. You are a SAHM, not a SAH skivvy. Tidying, laundry, homework, shopping for five people is very demanding. Plus you are a full time carer for two of them.

Original poster
XboxWidow30 · 10/05/2010 23:00

Yes we were both keen on 4!

He just isn't very practical when it comes to all 4 at the same time!

OP posts:
KnottyLocks · 10/05/2010 23:00

Xbox, he needs a serious boot up the backside.

You need to spell it out to him. Do not say 'yes' when you don't mean it. He cannot read your mind.

jujubean · 10/05/2010 23:05

We have a cleaner and i only have two children, i feel very lazy now. This is way I see it: I just cannot get more than 10 mins cleaning done in the day with 2 kids under 3. Therefore the only time available is after 7 when they have gone to bed. I'm a SAHM my working day is 7-7, my DH also leaves at 7am and returns at 7pm. He has no intention of cleaning when he gets in so why should I spend my evenings doing it? Whilst we can afford it we'll have a cleaner. I'm a full-time MUM not a full-time housekeeper.

RedLadyBiscuit · 10/05/2010 23:05

Well he's not practical because he doesn't need to be! Men (and I apologise for being horribly sexist) generally do not see issues if they are being dealt with. So as far as he can see, the cleaning is being done, your children are happy, you are all wearing clean clothes, homework gets done on time. Unless you collapse in a sobbing mess, he isn't going to realise there is an issue.

So you can either do that, hire a cleaner and tell him after the fact that it is done (but firmly, as a fait accompli, rather than in a 'I-hope-you-don't-mind-but' way) or just abdicate responsibility for it entirely. I think option b is the best. Remember that he has charged you with running the house if he takes no interest so it's your call. You need to make it efficient and not lose your mind so you've hired a cleaner. Brook no argument!

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