to get a cleaner in to help out or should I be able to cope?

[XboxWidow30]

Ok, I am a stay at home mum to 4 children aged between 12 and 6 mths. My eldest has ADHD and is a handful all the time. Some times I feel he is more hard work than the new(ish) baby is!

Anyway, I can't seem to keep on top of housework, constant clothes washing etc...

My husband works full time and so he thinks that he doesn;t need to help with ANYTHING at home. He comes in and expects his dinner ready etc... and tonight he came in the front door straight into the front room and sat down and put the cricket on!

Anyway, is my husband right? Should I be able to cope with 4 children and ALL of the housework, cooking, cleaning, school runs, food shopping etc.... or can I justify getting a little bit of help?

It might make him start helping out more because I don't think he would want to pay for extra help???

ANy advice helpful, just so I know.

OMG!

OK. I leave for work at 7 and am often not home until 7 (teacher with management responsibility and working 1/2hr from home). I am pretty shattered as work is somewhat stressful. On top of this I have mild ME. If I arrive back in time (sometimes I do get away early but it is once in a blue moon) I cook dinner (not that often I'm afraid). Provided I am back in time I put the kids to bed. In the morning if I'm not too pushed I'll get cereal out and chivvy the kids along. Weekends I do get a lie in either on Saturday or Sunday but so does DW on the other day.

I don't pull my weight enough in the evenings but try to get the washing up done/dishwasher emptied some of the time. At weekends/most holidays I cook the meals and try to keep up with the washing.

In my previous post I worked much closer to home and tbh DW wasn't in such a good place and I would get back by 6 to cook the meals.

Also on weekends I take the kids out by myself for shopping or on fun trips to give DW a break.

I sometimes go out to a comedy club midweek of an evening after the kids are in bed but it is only once every couple of months. I did go out to the gym before but I feel very guilty going out at all as DW doesn't get to do so as she hasn't really got anyone in this area to go out with and doesn't like crowds.

I'm not trying to make myself a martyr or anything quite the opposite. I am an example of a pathetic husband not pulling my weight enough (and please no protests against this, it is true). DH isn't pulling his weight and needs a wake up call, sorry.

Oh and get a bloody cleaner if we could afford it.

Actually that is a lie because it would only stress DW more about the mess and she would frantically tidy up in advance and postpone until we ended up stopping having a cleaner because the house was a mess.

MiL used to not just pick up and put away before the cleaner came but take out each individual statue etc and dust them, then hoover and then polish the brass before her cleaner came.

Can't really add much to this except to say, why, why, why did you say 'yes' to him going out on your birthday??! He asked for permission because he knew that it was out of line. Don't be a martyr, tell him that you've changed your mind and you'd love to spend the day with him on your birthday. If he sulks then go out for the day and leave him with the kids. You need to start spelling it out to your DH or he'll keep taking the piss.

Stop allowing it.

When you clean up because he won't - you're allowing him to not clean up.

When you put his dinner in front of him when he walks in - you're allowing him to treat you like his personal microwave.

When you say "Yes, you can go out on my birthday and leave me with all four fucking kids like you do every other day of my life, you cunt!" - what he heard was "yes, you can go out"

Do not wash his clothes.

Do not cook his meals

Do not clean his mess up.

It was a JOINT DECISION to have four children. You are the one at home with them. If he was suddenly doing 4 people's jobs at work, he's either have a bitch about it to his boss or ask for help.

You're just rolling over. When your 12 year old is fighting with you until 10 at night - you say to your husband "It's your turn to deal with this" - and you lock yourself in the bathroom until it is dealt with. Do it on alternating nights. When you have finished cooking, every other night, tell him it's his turn to wash up. If he doesn't do it, cook NOTHING and I mean FUCK ALL until he has done it. Do not go in the kitchen. When the kids moan, tell them Daddy has to do the washing up first. If he still doesn't do it, take them to MacDonalds. Still don't cook. If he leaves them to mould, throw them away and buy more on the credit card.

Stop coping. You are coping with all his shit, he has no reason to change.

Definately need to have serious chat with DH mine is very good but needs reminding occasionally about how difficult it can be trying to manage all the tasks associated!

Get a cleaner no doubt once a week is fine well everyday would be good!!

We have a cleaner comes once a week cleans house and does ironing. It's a godsend and it was MIL idea!

Come join our thread

Even if DH does start pulling his weight more - and it sounds like he needs to - getting a cleaner would take at least some of the pressure off you. Even if it's just once a fortnight and the cleaner "just" cleans the bathroom, kitchen and hoovers, say, it would be that less much for you to think about. I'm a SAHM with 3 DC and like Nettie says, it really is a godsend - there's still a lot of day to day stuff that needs doing (washing, tidying, cooking, etc) but it's just so nice knowing that the house has been hoovered from top to bottom so I only need to hoover the worst bits, that the bathroom has been cleaned thoroughly so I just give the toilet and washbasin a quick clean in between, etc. If you can afford it, do it!

Oh, and the thread is over here.

Xbox, you do really need to explain how overwhelming it all is and that he needs to take on some parental responsibility. Bringing home the bacon is not enough. As you mentioned earlier, he wanted children too. At the moment you are mothering 5.

A stealth way to go about it is to do what I do. It doesn't sound naggy or overbearing, but then again my DH at least understands that looking after everyone is demanding.

Phrases to use to DH:

" Could you just put out the bins/ empty the dishwasher/ run the bath for Dc/ insert other totally reasonable request....while I do this? THANK YOU"

"I've just got to pop and get some nappies/ tampons/ other female requirements that means he is unlikely to offer to go for...Can you give the kids their breakfast/ lunch/ tea. THANK YOU"

"I'll need do this...can you give the kids their bath/ check homework/ gather washing together/ hoover..THANK YOU."

If you say 'thank you' rather than please, there is an assumption that you expect it done.
Although this might be too subtle an approach for him!

Worth a try though.

As for your birthday...you are due a day off. (More than one, actually) So you need to say, "As I'm not doing anything special for my birthday...'Lulu' (insert name of friend) is taking me out for the day on Saturday as a birthday treat." And then make sure you go. Even if 'Lulu' is not available. Have a day to yourself.

On your birthday, get a take away. Do not do any extra domestic duties other than than absolutely necessary. Tidy nothing, cook nothing. Let him fend for himself. He's expecting you to. A good thing to do would be to arrange a night out with a friend so when he returns from his jolly, you can hand over the DCs and go and enjoy yourself. He would be in no position to argue.

Sorry, that's a bit rambling. It's been a short night!

Get a cleaner and get one as often in a week as you want - maybe mon, wed, fri. They are 10 pounds an hour here, and easy to find, it's amazing how much can be cleaned in an uninterrupted hour of work. also look for a babysitter once a week and get out...yoga, meditation, massage?

He isn't interested in the housework or how it's done - he won't even know you have arranged this.

Kids grow up quickly so this hard work will get easier.

Agree with everyone else. Get a cleaner.

DH need never know.

My mum had an ironing lady for years and dad never knew.

fter about 10 years he sprung the ironing lady bringing the ironing back

Get a cleaner. Apart from anything else, you're boosting the economy by providing much needed employment so you can even feel smug about it.

You'll be amazed at how much a cleaner gets done in 2-3hrs as they just come in and get on with it, whereas I faff and procrastinate and get distracted.

Also, send the ironing out. It'll change your life.

Now Im up to date on his other crimes... dont get a cleaner - Get a new husband!

What adult sleeps in until 12pm?!

um......me sometimes......but not recently as now I'm pregnant I cant stay awake late enough to need to sleep in that late.

Oh ok (tries to put on non parent head) maybe in the days before kids I would sleep until 4pm lunchtime.

But this guy is a dad. Alls fair to have some time away from the kids for yourself but sleeping in until 12pm EVERY week is just not on. Jesus, get out of bed, do some house work, make your wife breakfast, play with the kids.

Its just teenage behaviour. I wouldnt put up with it, but my DP wouldnt want to be in bed that long, he's got a life to be living!!!

OP does have 5 kids, whoever said that you're right.

Oh and I dont iron. The onl thing that really needs ironing in our house is DPs shirts... So thats a no go area for me. In fact I dont even know where the iron is

Get a cleaner.

This is always the right answer.

If I had my early married years back I wouldn't do a tenth of what I used to do. It was so unfair that DH could come home and watch TV and I had to carry on with the cooking/cleaning/ironing/shopping after a day at work plus working at weekends.

Get a cleaner and make your other half pull his weight.

Cleaner cleaner cleaner. Without any guilt whatsoever.

I am WOHM and my husband is SAHD. I certainly don't take the view he can do everything domestic: I KNOW he can't. No one can with small children. Cue stuffing washing machine before work, whizzing around before bed in evenings. We do have a cleaner. Helps stop things sliding.

Like my parents, siblings and their spouses, we tackle stuff together at evenings and weekends and take it in turns to give each other lie-ins. Not that we're perfect by any means (DH getting right up my nose at the mo on various house-y things), but I'm just trying to say that its the expectation right through my immediate and extended family that both parents do the domestic chores together when at home, even if the at-home parent may do the bulk of it, and that's irrespective of the gender of the parent at home. Hell, even my most high-powered rellie (helps run the world)does the kids' breakfasts and other jobs when not jetted off somewhere.

Nothing else is really sustainable. Anyway, it's a respect issue. The stay at home parent is not a drudge.

What the fucking fuck, seriously.

Your husband is a selfish fuckwit, and you need to stop accepting this treatment.

I'm out of the house 7-6.30pm, I'm the breadwinner, and on the days when my daughter (18 months, only child) is home with my husband I expect him to:

• do a couple of loads of laundry
• start dinner so it's on the table within half an hour of me getting home (so, if it's a quick meal, he doesn't need to begin before I get home, just if it takes a while)
• no, that's it.

I come home, take her and play with her while he cooks, or cook while he plays with her. Then we do bathtime and bedtime routine, whoever's not doing that cleans up from dinner and tidies. After she's in bed we have a quick whip around of whatever else needs doing, we're both finished for the day by about 8.30pm. We have a cleaner once a fortnight, bit of a luxury at the moment tbh now our daughter's a bit easier to work around, but will come in handy again for #2.

Weekends we have a lie-in each (and lie-in means till about 8.30am, NOT bloody midday).

There is no such thing in this house as one person watching TV while the other is doing childcare/housework/errands. We're both working or neither of us are.

Your husband is a spoilt child and you are enabling it. STOP.

Hi

Get a cleaner! You have 4 children - well 5 if you add your DH who doesn't help.

I have a cleaner and only one 9 month old DD. TBH cleaner is a hangover from when DH and I were both working ridiculous hours (before DD) and it was the only way house would get cleaned.

Now I really really enjoy having the cleaner. It takes a lot of stress out of the week.

Mine comes once a week which works for us. However as you have 4 DCs you may want to split it and get someone in twice a week.

And don't get anyone form agencies - its a ripoff mostly. Go by personal recommendations - ask your neighbours etc.

Do it and you will feel so much better.

My cleaner was on her hols over last 2 weeks so I've had to clean house and look after DD. So I can really feel the difference in terms of how much time it takes up plus its hard to do while DD is awake at her age so do it when she's napping or asleep which means no freetime for me.

My DH is a clean-freak so house has to be spotless hence I love my cleaner lots and lots.

You shouldn't feel guilty or bad - its just a small help towards what must be an incredibly busy life for you.

Tell your DH to get his wallet out

First of all I think your husband should help you out!

I know he is working all day long etc., so are you! Evenings should be shared! Well that is what I think! Even if he can do a bit of homework or the cooking or putting some clothes in washing machine etc! Surely that is not toooooo much.

I really REALLY admire you very very much! I have a 3 month old and staying at home for one year ML. And it is a lot of work specially when you cannot sleep.

You should be VERY proudd of yourself and of COURSE you shoulde get a cleaner to help!!!

so agree with colditz and many of the other posters i'm sure but have skim read replies.

I have 2 children (1 in nursery 5 mornings), a weekly cleaner (who irons my husband's shirts) and once a week nanny so that i get to do admin, shopping, get a haircut, have lunch out, etc.

I am pretty revolted at the your husband's behaviour but i also agree that YOU are the one that needs to change it.

I am also repeatedly disgusted (constantly seeing threads on it) at how so many posters on here have birthdays ignored, no gift bought, or their husbands spend the day with their father and brother - again, i'm disgusted that these men behave like that.

Stop accepting it and DEAL WITH IT NOW (sorry for shouting but christ i'm so upset for you).

also, (and i'm not trying to rub it in)when my husband comes home between 7-7.30pm he offers to help me cook dinner (i don't accept but the offer is always there) and when we're finished, without fail, its always him loading the dishwasher, washing the pots, etc.

he does that because he thinks he should.

Wish a few men thought like that.

REmember to drop into conversation how pleased you are that he is taking the kids with him to play golf on your birthday and if he acts surprised, then point out that you would hardly have said yes to him going alone and making your birthday even more difficult a day than it is usually would you - why on earth would he think any different?

And just make sure that you are out of the house before him on Saturday morning (one time when it will be useful to be up before him!) so there is nothing he can do about it. Also prime the kids about their day out with dad/granddad/uncle so they are excited about it. Not sure if it is a good idea to prime the FIL and BIL about it though in case they try to object

And if it doesn't work and he does go to golf and leave the kids behind, don't you dare let him take sunday as his lie in on the basis that he didn't get his on saturday because he had to get up early for golf

And on a separate note, is he turning into his father and expecting you to take on the role of his mother in so far as maybe she used to do everything and his dad did what he wanted after coming home from work? Has he always been like this when you were going out/first married/before kids/etc? Sounds like now is a good time to point out to him that you are not his mother and that he is being totally unreasonable in his expectations of how work and family life is shared out between you. How would he like it if you went back to work full time and expected him to do everything that you currently do?

I also think it can be a good idea to get some sort of visual representation of what it is you are complaining about to put in front of him so he can see it with his own eyes - if you are just talking about it he can switch off more easily. If you have a great big list of things that you have to do after the time he gets in from work - sorry, the things that need to be done - and show that you do pretty much most of them and he does very few but gets lots of time to play on his xbox/watch cricket etc. Whereas when do you get to do any of the things that you would like to do?

Yes, of course it is going to be a pain for him because he has got things cushy at the moment. Whereas you have got plenty to gain from him acting like a husband and not a child with a housekeeper...

If all else fails, take away the electrical leads from all his favourite toys (xbox, tv etc) and hide them where he will never find them, only to be returned when he has done his fair share of contributing to the upkeep of the family. Dishwasher and cooker spring to mind

I was about to type fair share of helping you then and realised that that is still classifying the work that needs doing as yours - it's not, it's family stuff that both of you need to share appropriately - with the kids helping out with more and more chores as they get older too to contribute to the family.

Good luck in trying to get it all sorted - hope you get a cleaner and your dh realises how he needs to become a man and father and not stay a spoiled brat all his life!