to think we can survive on one salary?

[auntpolly]

Not sure if this is the right place to post this question, but couldn't think where else!

I'm a lurker on here, so I'll introduce myself as briefly as I can. I've got two little ones, a 4 year old DD and a nearly 2 year old DS. My husband and I rent a flat in london, and both commute into the city daily. I work full time, DD goes to nursery and DS goes to a childminder 5 days a week. The problem is I'm finding work and motherhood combined pretty stressful, much worse now I have 2 kids... trying to get 2 kids and myself ready in the morning, out of the door before 8, then on the packed bus, then me on the tube. A day full of stress, then dash to pick up the kids, more bus journeys... plop them both in the bath and then into bed... then do dinner, laundry, ironing, cleaning, bed at midnight, up at 6am, repeat... you get the picture.
I really feel like I'm missing out on time with kids that I won't get back and I don't enjoy my job at all, so it feels like too much of a sacrifice. But if I stop work our joint income goes down by almost half! Part time is not an option (I work in a financial institution in which motherhood is viewed as a weakness).
We're thinking of moving out of London into the commuter belt where rent would fall to about £1k a month. Which on my husband's salary would leave us just over £1k a month for everything else (utilities, food, rail travel, petrol, kids clothes etc.) Sorry to post actual figures, seems a bit crass but don't know how else to illustrate my point.
I think money will be tight, DH thinks we just won't be able to do it.
Am I being unreasonable? How do all the other full time mums manage?

If your dh has a secure job then yes you can survive on one salary , i am a SAHM so it is possible .

Of course it is possible, you would have to adjust your lifestyle....you can set yourself a target for maybe returning to work if you want after X amount of years.

Do you have to stay in the SouthEast? Could your husband work somewhere else in the country? It would make it much easier for you to be a SAHM for a while and then you could go back to a more flexible job if you wanted to later, if you lived somewhere where the cost of living is cheaper.

It horrifies me that your monthly housing cost is over £1000.

1K is tight if it includes his rail fare to work, surely?

Also, he will then carry 100% responsibility for the family finances (as I do). This is stressful, and do you have a contingency plan for if he loses his job?
Agree about the hideousness of the working life you describe, but does it have to be all or nothing, or could you go p/t somewhere nearer home when you move, in another field perhaps?

My SIL gave up her daytime job and now does 16 hours a week in local supermarket. She does evenings and the odd day at the weekend so can do the school run, no childminder / nursery bills and is still taking home similar money - in terms that say previously she picked up £800 but paid out £500 a month in childcare. She now picks up £300 a month but has no childcare outgoings.

She now has no real career while she wants to do part time, but is a supervisor for the hours she works so picks up a little more than minimum wage.

I think you need to seriously calculate your annual outgoings - basic bills, car bills, insurance, money for kids uniforms, clothes, etc. Then look at income - be it salary, child benefit, etc and see what the difference is. Doing it over a whole year lets you factor in christmas and birthday presents and other such bills that only happen once a year - like AA breakdown or other such stuff.

Not knowing your outgoings, etc but I do know people who live on a salary of £28,000 with one child and a car and a mortgage to pay, and another who has £35,000 salary.

It can be done but may be painful - what about holidays, etc

Thanks for the replies. There's lots to think about. DH works in finance as well, he looked into jobs outside of London but his field is quite specialised and there was nothing out there. His job is quite secure, although with finance nothing is guaranteed.
I would want to be back in work when DS gets to school age, although I would seriously harm my earning potential by stepping out now. I think that's DH's concern, taking a big drop in income and then not being able to get back to the same level as soon as I go back to work.

Amazing that your rent is that high. Well, not amazing, but scary. I live in a very desirable village outside of a major city, all thatched cottages (not mine sadly) and country around it and my rent is considerably less than you would be spending if you move.

On what you've said, it's do-able. People live on less, and you will have CB to add to that I assume. It depends on whether you're prepared to make sacrifices. Ask yourselves seriously if you're willing to forgoe the holiday/2nd car/clothes/whatever your current fancy is, talk it over in those terms perhaps.

I think it probably would be tight, especially if you're used to more, but it's all about priorities when it comes down to it. If you don't enjoy your job that is a big disincentive to continue as you are. Money most definitely isn't everything, especially if you've no time to enjoy it. How much is your current rent and childcare costs as a proportion of what you bring in from your job? Would your actual income after that drop all that much?

We managed on that while I stayed at home until my youngest was at school. Don't forget that you can save money on other areas while you are at home all day. For example I found I did not need as many expensive clothes and can make much cheaper meals as had the time to plan and prepare. Good luck with making the decision that is right for you!!!!!

What is the difference between your disposable income (ie what you have after rent and childcare now) and what you will have if you move and give up work? That's the only real way to assess it. And yes your travel costs will go up but to be honest, the costs are not massive outside London - I pay over £1k a year for a zone 1 and 2 travelcard!

It sounds as though you're doing the bulk of housework and child-organisation. No wonder it's all a bit hard work. Can't your dh do a bit more?!

YANBU -- it is doable as long as you budget! We have a very similar income and mortgage (we're on the outskirts of London), I am mainly a SAHM but try to do a bit of freelance from home in the evenings here and there.

However... I have had to accept that I probably won't be able to get back into my old career (which was pretty well-paid and very hard worked-for). What work I'll be able to find when the DC are in school, I have no idea. But I do know that as we have got used to living on a tight budget (I'm astounded how much we used to waste), any income I can bring in the future, even if much less than I used to earn, will still make a good deal of difference to our finances.

I do sometimes wonder if I will regret giving up my career. But for me it's more important to be at home with the kids while they're little. Others may (and do) feel differently, of course!

Does your husband enjoy his job? I ask because if he has to take on the responsibility of providing a sole income in a job he doesn't really like and with more travelling time then he could get fed up with the situation very quickly.

budget planner

Are you sure you can rent in the communter belt for £1000 pm? Have you looked up how much the train fair is?

I ask this because we live in a commutable area outside London and my DH used to commute. His train fair was £260 pm. Also rents around here are nearer to £1500 pm for a family size property.

YANBU but you both need to be in agreement to make that sort of massive lifestyle change. You may need to to change your lifestyle massively to afford it will you both be happy with cheaper food and no holidays etc?
Once you take a good hard look at your lifestyle you may start noticing lots of areas you can spend less money on that you don't need to have have or can buy the cheaper version.

If you do it I would recommend that you do the move first and live only on your DH income for the first few months and for you to continue to work and save up a few months wages to give you a bit of a cushion/emergency funds.

Does your dh do any of the drop-offs/pick ups/ cooking/housework? the way you describe it it sounds you are both working ft but you are doing all the childcare and domestic work? that can't be tenable.
Yes, you will damage your earnings long-term by stopping work completely. Does it have to be all or nothing? Can either of you work flexibly?
I think raising a family of 4 on £2000 a month is pretty tight anywhere, but especially if housing takes half of that. I think you need to do a lot more planning (add up all your current outgoings and see what would have to go) before you can see if its possible.

I think you need to consider the train fare question very carefully - it is expensive to commute.

Have you actually asked if you can go part time?

For me it is the best of both worlds. And TBH I think it is actually harder to work once they are at school, as childcare gets more complicated!

Thanks everyone, all good advice. I think in real terms we will lose about £800 a month (my disposable income after work costs... childcare, travel, food at work, work clothes, suit dry cleaning etc).

We are really quite wasteful with money at the moment, I think because we are short of time we tend to take the easy and expensive option on most things. Like the rent, we pay through the nose for our flat in zone 3, because we don't want long commutes and nursery drop offs. And we spend a lot on take aways etc. DH does do a bit round the house, but he works longer hours than me so it's up to me to drop off and collect the kids, and get things ready during the week. It's definitely taking it's toll on me though. I've had 2 chest infections and shingles since the start of year... I'm 29 not 79!!

DuelingFanjo - he said exactly that! and I had to agree with him that's it not exactly fair. It's another element to the dilemma.

It can be done... depending on rent and travel expenses!
We run a family of 6 on two very small incomes and a mortgage of just under 1k. It's not fun but the pay offs in other areas make it worth it..

If you are willing to consider low paid jobs there are plenty of evening jobs etc that would help supplement DH's income and perhaps make him feel less like he is shouldering it all! I worked in nursing homes in the evening, bar jobs, anything that would help but that gave me maximum time with my children. Now they are older I work school hours only , so no child care expenses in the holidays etc. Ok our holidays are in a tent not in Disney land but as a family it works. Yes my career is shot but heyho...

We found that if we REALLY cut out the non essentials we could live! But we did sit down and plan it carefully..

My DH used to hate his commute. Added an extra 2 hours to his working day.

HOw would you feel about not seeing him very much (and him not seeing dcs much I guess). How do you think your relationship would change with the very different dynamic - you will occupy completely separate spheres.
I don't envy your situation though and agree that spending time with your children is priceless (but, they need dad time as well as mum time). No chance of you (both) looking for jobs outside of london?