to think we can survive on one salary?

[auntpolly]

Not sure if this is the right place to post this question, but couldn't think where else!

I'm a lurker on here, so I'll introduce myself as briefly as I can. I've got two little ones, a 4 year old DD and a nearly 2 year old DS. My husband and I rent a flat in london, and both commute into the city daily. I work full time, DD goes to nursery and DS goes to a childminder 5 days a week. The problem is I'm finding work and motherhood combined pretty stressful, much worse now I have 2 kids... trying to get 2 kids and myself ready in the morning, out of the door before 8, then on the packed bus, then me on the tube. A day full of stress, then dash to pick up the kids, more bus journeys... plop them both in the bath and then into bed... then do dinner, laundry, ironing, cleaning, bed at midnight, up at 6am, repeat... you get the picture.
I really feel like I'm missing out on time with kids that I won't get back and I don't enjoy my job at all, so it feels like too much of a sacrifice. But if I stop work our joint income goes down by almost half! Part time is not an option (I work in a financial institution in which motherhood is viewed as a weakness).
We're thinking of moving out of London into the commuter belt where rent would fall to about £1k a month. Which on my husband's salary would leave us just over £1k a month for everything else (utilities, food, rail travel, petrol, kids clothes etc.) Sorry to post actual figures, seems a bit crass but don't know how else to illustrate my point.
I think money will be tight, DH thinks we just won't be able to do it.
Am I being unreasonable? How do all the other full time mums manage?

Not read the other posts, just responding to OP, So if you have already been giving this suggestion, I apologise. Could you consider changing jobs, and work close to your potential new home part time? to bring in some income and reduce the burden of such tight finances?

1600 after housing is plenty to live on for 4. You could live quite comfortably on that I imagine

Agree with Sugarmouse and Pavlov. Surely if you have a fairly decent income now, you must have some transferable skills. IME part-time work is a great compromise in that it takes the stress off both you and your DH, but still gives you a decent amount of family time.

I wouldn't want to give up my job entirely, if I felt my DH wasn't 100% behind me. I would have felt bad for him if I felt that he was feeling pressured and stressed about the situation. Part-time work was a god-send to us, and has enabled us to have find a great balance.

everyone has transferable skills.

At the same time if he doesn't like it you need to talk more about him doing his share of housework/childcare

Have you considered having a nanny instead? They would come to you (less stress) and they would do various household chores that relate to the children ie their washing/ironing/feeding them. You could arrange to have a Tesco delivery etc, you could get a cleaner etc.

I can honestly say if you leave a specialist career it it difficult to get back in.

The public sector is the best place to go for family friendly employment - and they always need skilled back office finance people (I'm sure your skills would be applicable even if you didn't at first think so)

I'm in the public sector and have changed my hours several times since having DD - I have a colleague who's a single mum - she works a short day 10-3(to allow school drop off and pick ups) and does a couple more hours in the evening at home. Not right for you probably but an example of how flexible they can be. The other advantage of the public sector is its everywhere - so wherever you live there are opportunities.

So if you enjoy working and think it would be better for your relationship they consider it.

You say you intend to go back to work FT when your youngest is school age, but there's a chance you will change your mind. I really value the time I spend with DD and also that I can get chores done during the week leaving weekends free for fun family stuff. So thinking longer term and flexibility might be a good thing.

I would second what others have said though, for quality of life a move to say Leeds or Manchester (thriving financial sectors) might work well for you - you could rent a family house in a friendly suburb for £450 a month easily.

well, my family is managing on one salary ..and its doable. on less than £1kpm after mortgage too!

your wage now isn't all take home anyway, after childcare, travel costs etc - maybe not as worth it as it was before kids?

maybe relocate first, then get a feel for it.

security wise it is better to have two people in work, but if you feel your dhs job is secure, why not?

I would say it would be easily doable, but then we live in the NE which is cheaper.

OP, I wouldnt leave the job without trying other things that would make your life easier. I have a cleaner who comes in twice a week and a nanny. Between them, I don't need to worry about getting DD to nursery in the morning, nor household chores such as cleaning, laundry and ironing. I would seriously consider getting a cleaner, either getting them to do your ironing or sending it out, and reviewing your childcare arrangements. Nannies are normally a more cost effective form of childcare after two children, or you could look at an an au pair.

As to the job,all the custodians/administrators have different operating systems, however, it doesn't mean that you are stuck at one for ever otherwise people would never move around the industry.If you are on the books for part time, you are unlikely to find anything in the industry as they simply don't recruit for part time. Have you thought about contracting? Alternatively, you could look for a full time role but with a view to going part time. Final alternative I can think of is to ask for flexible working. They have a legal requirement to consider it, and it should be workable provided that you have solid arrangements in place around month-ends etc. I would get the domestic chores and childcare sorted out first though as a priority.

I would ensure that your husband is happy to be lone financial provider for all of you. If he isn't 100% behind you being a sahm then I suspect resentment may build.

I agree that part time may be the preferable option.

novice, are you sure about the nanny being more cost effective after 2 children. We found it only became comparable when we had 3 children. An au pair is not an option if you work long hours.

OP, would it be possible for you to find another job where they might be more amenable to part time work? I found that when I went from 5 days to 4, it made a HUGE difference to my sanity. And my career, while not exactly high-flying is not lost to me altogether. I would also be very nervous about being totally financially dependant on dh, I am reasonably confident that he will not run off with someone else but you never can tell!

The couples I know where both parents work and it works iyswim either have one parent working locally so minimum commute or stagger their start and finish hours so one drops off to the childcare and the other picks up... Or else have a nanny.

aunt polly - how much a month did you spend on childcare with nursery+cm for both childrern?

maybe a young/less exp nanny with childcare vouchers could be the way to go - or to keep normal childcare but get a cleaner to come in and clean house on a friday (all nice for weekend) and do some ironing?

i still think £1600 DISPOSIBLE income is a lot (after rent and travel) and tbh should easily be able to cope with one salary

obv 4 by 4's and carribean holidays are out of the window

No idea about surviving on one salary when used to two as one salary is all I've ever had. What amazes me from your OP is how you appear to be doing everything yourself. I do but then I'm a single parent (who also works in the City so I sympathise with your work's anti-child friendly mentality).

What exactly does your dh do re household and childcare? Maybe he does a lot but from what you posted you seem to be responsible for everything. No wonder you are stressed. I do the same every day but that is because I have no one to share the burden. I can't imagine doing that and having a partner who seemingly just goes out to work, doesn't look after the dcs, cook, clean etc etc.

Maybe if you sorted out the home dynamics you would be less stressed and the need to change your way of life completely may diminish?

Is that 1600 after all utility bills, too? And mobile phone, what DH will need for lunch if he normally eats out at work...etc.?

I second the idea of a young, lesser experienced nanny. It will probably be cheaper than nursery+cm. And she'll also help with general tidying...etc... so it will ease things up all around for you.

£1600 is plenty, really it is. We have less than that and still run a car and have two holidays a year (we're happy to holiday in the UK though!).

Just wonder if you'd be happy to be a stay at home mum... It was forced upon me through redundancy and overall I enjoy it but it's no picnic either with two young children - no salary, no socialising, no gossip among colleagues over a coffee, no overtime, no paid leave, no sick days, no weekends off, being on duty 24 hours a day, and a partner who expects a clean tidy organised house (yeah, right) and wonders what I've been doing all day.... The loss of one income is not the only thing to think about. I think you should definitely explore the part time option first.