to think we can survive on one salary?

[auntpolly]

Not sure if this is the right place to post this question, but couldn't think where else!

I'm a lurker on here, so I'll introduce myself as briefly as I can. I've got two little ones, a 4 year old DD and a nearly 2 year old DS. My husband and I rent a flat in london, and both commute into the city daily. I work full time, DD goes to nursery and DS goes to a childminder 5 days a week. The problem is I'm finding work and motherhood combined pretty stressful, much worse now I have 2 kids... trying to get 2 kids and myself ready in the morning, out of the door before 8, then on the packed bus, then me on the tube. A day full of stress, then dash to pick up the kids, more bus journeys... plop them both in the bath and then into bed... then do dinner, laundry, ironing, cleaning, bed at midnight, up at 6am, repeat... you get the picture.
I really feel like I'm missing out on time with kids that I won't get back and I don't enjoy my job at all, so it feels like too much of a sacrifice. But if I stop work our joint income goes down by almost half! Part time is not an option (I work in a financial institution in which motherhood is viewed as a weakness).
We're thinking of moving out of London into the commuter belt where rent would fall to about £1k a month. Which on my husband's salary would leave us just over £1k a month for everything else (utilities, food, rail travel, petrol, kids clothes etc.) Sorry to post actual figures, seems a bit crass but don't know how else to illustrate my point.
I think money will be tight, DH thinks we just won't be able to do it.
Am I being unreasonable? How do all the other full time mums manage?

AFAIK you have the right to request flexible working from your employer, the onus would be on them to prove that it would be harmful to their business. So worth exploring.

If you do decide to carry on working then definitely spend some of that disposable income on a cleaner!

I will be honest with you and say I don't see how it can be done on just over £1000 month after rent paid. What about council tax? Train fares?

Would it be possible to relocate to a completely different part of the country if a decent job offer was on the table?
That way living expenses wouldn't be so expensive and your DH can look for a job he enjoys more.

DH and I lived in London for years before kids but we both wanted me to be a stay at home mum and for us the easiest way was to move back up north. On the whole we didn't have to cut back all that much as location move made all the difference.
We too spent masses of money that we didn't have too on take always, expensive clothes, taxies etc it's made me much more mindful of how we spend and save even though we are now far more comfortable financially.

£1000 sounds cheap rent for round here, even for a 1-bed flat (1 hour commute from London but nice city, there's cheaper places than here). It sounds like you've researched that though.

What would your dh do if all options were available to him?

Could you do a jobshare together, are you in the same field?

Could you shift your skills into something where part-time working would be an option?

BBH we manage it, it can be done! Lots of people get by on less. You just have to be very efficient!

Reading this, I just wondered if it might be an option to have a cleaner/ironing lady to take a lot of the pressure off you so you can enjoy life a bit more. Rather than give it all up for a couple of years until DC both at school? I think the moving and commuting option sound very stressful personally. Help at home might not be as expensive as you think and is worth its weight in gold to me!

It definitely can be done, and rent could be even lower, I live in a town in north Hampshire and train to Waterloo takes 40-50 mins rent for smallish 3 bed house is about 800, we cope on 1500 per month Inc food (when we are being restrained )

You have your whole life to work, and if you are not enjoying your job I would say quit.

Nearlytoolate makes a sage point with regard to the possibility of the relationship dynamic changing. Four years ago, DH and I both worked full-time and had one school age DD. Now, however, I'm a SAHM to two further DC's, and he's the sole earner. I know I'm fortunate - we just about manage on the sort of money your looking at, and I'm in the position of being able to be with the younger two while they're still young. It is hard, though. DH is financially responsible for all five of us and, although he's never made it an issue, I'm not comfortable with being financially reliant on him. Also, by the time my youngest is four, I'll be mid-forties and will have been out of my field for eight years.

If you do your sums and work out your budget, it can be done if you're prepared to be frugal and make some serious cutbacks. I'd suggest that you also make arrangements for household money to be paid into your own account monthly - removing the need for that awful 'cap-in-hand' scenario.

If you do decide to go ahead, you will need to support each other more than ever, your daily lives will take on a seperate focus. Oh, and really try to resist the temptation of entering into that competion with each other over who's most tired, or who's got the biggest workload. We did it in the early days, and nobody wins - it just causes resentment.

Good luck.

Why don't you consider registering as a childminder?

That way you can earn some money (not loads admittedly) while still being with your own kids and not incurring childcare costs.

Does your £1k include tax credits and child benefit?

It can be done but you need to consider where you want to be further down the line when kids are at school.

I've done this and what I'd say is this - it puts more stress on the sole financial provide, and it can unbalance your relationship so you'd both need to be on board.

It can be done - take a way the takaways and shop wisely you can do survive on £1k per month but you won't get extras.

If you are looking to buy a property this may scupper it for a good while.

you are young so can probably slot back into work - but I'm the position of many that having a late career break means my earnings will be half of what they used to be when (or IF) I can find a job.

More than anything you appear to hate your job - can you not just change?

Also I worked for a bit after birth of my first child - my expendable after childcare travel was pretty much the same as yours - and it did make a difference to our account - but then again we had no time to spend anything as too busy working.

I'm happy to be a home - ds starts school in sept and only then will I know the long term impact of having given up work - ie when I start job hunting again.

I did this but not sure I'd have done it looking back
itshard to get a job now kids are in school and unemployment is up
not a good time to lose money each month when we don't know what the government is going to do to sort out the financial crisis
sorry
looking around for a part time job in your field sounds a better idea

Where abouts in London does your DP work? I ask because where I live it is on a high speed train line and getting into London is only 40 minutes. It is a commute I would consider and quite enjoy if there wasn't a long walk or tube journey at the end of it.

We are far enough from London that rents are much cheaper. Used to live a 50 minute slow commuter train journey from London and rents were about £1500-£200/month for a three bedroom place with a garden. Where I live now rents for a three bedroom house with a garden start at about £450 and go up to no more than about £750. You also tend to get more space for your money.

You do then have to factor in train cost which is very high but if you do the sums, it may work out better to move to somewhere similar to here which is a bit further away in distance but quicker in commute time. Also there are always commuters waiting for the train in the morning (as London salaries are higher, a lot of people do it) but every time I have had to go for a meeting in London I can get a seat which on a daily basis would make it much more bearable. Comparitively the train from the place I used to live would be near to impossible to get a seat on.

earthstar makes a good point. My childcare costs were helped with tax credit (the childcare element helped). They may now be scrapped and you'd find your current income not so great, particularly with childcare for two children.

I'm in my 40's so finding work is not going to be easy - if you are younger you have career time on your side.

I'd say you can afford it but it would be at the expense of your career (depending on how much that means to you) and financial progress should you be looking to buy a property.

But I'm very happy with the decision we made for our situation.

Of course it can be done, depending on railtravel costs. We manage on less and so do a lot of families I know.

It depends on what the £1000 a month has to include. For example after our rent is paid each month we have around £1000 for the rest of the month. Minus £112 council tax, minus bills, minus food etc (obviously we are also plus child benefits and tax credits).

We easily afford bills, food, BASIC extras (clothes etc). We cannot afford a car. We use cloth nappies among other things.

We live about a 40 minute train ride (on the fast trains) from London our rent for a 3 bed terrace is £650 a month.

It is perfectly doable (when my son was born our money lefy over after rent was only £400 - now THAT was hard!) but other factors like longer commute, your career etc would have more of an impact.

tbh I don't think it sounds like it will make things better. sorry that's just my money-conscious opinion...
your dh would have a longer commute and bear responsibility of sole earner for 4 people, which he isn't used to

You will have to live on much less (£800 less per month adds up to a lot and may be more difficult than you think). Also rail fares are high.

It may be very difficult to get back into work once your dc are in school.

It's possible and livable of course... I just think from what you describe it may not be the best. Most importantly, because both parents need to be on board with the decision and it sounds like your dh is reluctant to agree to it... which could lead to resentment if you do stay at home. You have to do what's best for your family. If your dh agrees to it and is willing to support this choice, then it will work much better for you.

So basically, join the huge group of people who had kids and didn't really realise that it's just not just a case of carrying on like before with a bit of extra childcare to organise (count me in...).

So, you need to sacrifice disposable income for a more tolerable lifestyle. Personally I think moving out to commuterland is going to make DHs life much LESS tolerable. Losing 2 hours a day to travel is a killer, believe me, and it means he may be spending weekends in recovery, not playing with DCs. See many many previous threads on this topic. And he will see you flouncing round to coffee mornings in your cath kidson pinny and serving up scrag end of lamb in the evening and wonder how it came to this. Would you do it and have him as the SAHM?

Other options - loads of suggestions above but how about better childcare. COuld you do a nannyshare? They come to you, no trauma when dcs are ill, no getting them ready in the morning etc.

And you really need to move jobs - being a working mum in a place where 'having kids is a weakness' is just a recipe for disaster, surely.

auntpolly- you have not said much about the jobs you and your husband do, or which positions you are both in, within the companies you work for.

You have mentioned how much money you would have between you, if you gave up work but, what if your husband gave up work and became the stay at home parent? Is everything stressful for you because you carry a large responsibility at work and home?
Would you earn substantially more money for you all if you were free to gain promotions at work? (without having to think so much about childcare/housework)
Obviously, you know more about the situation and are the only who can fully weigh up this point but it may be another way of looking at it; another option.

As someone else mentioned, it seems as if you carry the can for all the housework as well. Perhaps creating a rota at home might help or employing the services of outside agents - cleaners/ironing service/food delivery/evening babysitters (the costs of these may work out substantially better than losing the income you mentioned)

I wouldn't personally.

I think money would be very very tight which would put a lot of pressure on you both.

Could you get a different job part time at all?

I think it's very, very hard to completely change your lifestyle living on so much less. Loads of people do it, of course and it's absolutely do able. But don't underestimate how much of a change it will be to what you can afford, what you can do, where you can go...etc. And being a sahm isn't an easy option, either. But, it's about what works best for you.

Not an easy option to be a SAHM but its one I know I will never regret, I think you know in your heart if thats what is right for you. I worked in a large financial institution too and the job and culture was just not compatible with a young family.

We halved our income by me staying at home and we do have hardly any capacity for discretionary spend. I now borrow books from the library rather than buy them for example, and we only buy clothes to replace worn out ones. We can just afford a holiday in the UK by using the extra money in the two months where we do not have to pay council tax and water bill.

We have a joint account and all the money goes in there so I have no issue with asking for money. I am very lucky in that my DH sees my contribution to our life as equal to his, albeit not financial, and I would agree. I do the vast majority of the household work, cooking, shopping etc and generally we can spend the weekends doing nice things with DS.

I can honestly say I appreciate life so much more since making the change and really realise that I don't need all the "stuff" that my income could provide.

awww what a lovely post, crumblequeen That convinced me that everyone should do it, despite my financial worries!!
However, the difference is that your dh is completely supportive of it. That makes all the difference. It doesn't seem like OP's is... that could spell disaster, unfortunately

my heart goes out to you, having 2 small kids in FT childcare and working must be tough.

I would definately do the sums again, for example you must be spending a fortune on c care

I dont know enough here, but think about moving to suburbia? sometimes its cheaper to live in the burbs rather than home counties.

also can you enrol DH that this is short term thing, when the kids are at school you can look at PT work again?

I think if DH is behind you this plan can work

where we live rent is circa 1000pm and there is a 15 min train to London

and if he says no you need more help with drop offs and pick ups, really