AIBU in not wanting to take care of my friends daughter

[Feelingsensitive]

My DD and my friends DD will be going to the same school from Spetember. I am a SAHM and my friend works. I also have other younger children. TBH the friend is someone who lives me near who I just know through the DCs so we are not close friends as such. Her DD and my DD probably play together once a month at the most if we happen to be at the same place. We very occassionally go to each others houses.

She has been hinting for quite some time about me taking her DD to and from school. This will involve having her from 7.30 in the morning till school time (only an hour by the time we walk to school) and then after school till 6.30 four times a week. I know it sounds really mean but I just dont want to. I have so far just said very little when she has hinted but I know she is going to ask me outright soon and I need to prepare myself. I dont mind the mornings as its only an hour. I really dont want the responsibility or the hassle associated with it all. I was thinking along the lines of saying I dont mind doing the mornings for a trial period. I cant see that being too much hassle unless they are late or something. I will offer after school care as emergencies only. I just find DD can be very grumpy at that time of the day and I want to be able to just do what we like after school rather than having to cater for another child. I feel I am being rather mean about the whole thing but I stay at home to look after my children not anyone elses. The friend keeps saying she will take DD in return on her day off but I dont need her too. AIBU in saying no or at least only offering the before school care.

Is she offering to pay you? cos if she's not then she's taking the piss.

She's never mentioned money. I get the feeling she thinks returning the favour once a week is the payment. I wouldnt expect payment if it was the morning only as I am going that way anyway and it doesnt make much difference to me if I have one more to take but in my eyes after school care is a different ball game.

YANBU, if your friend is working I assume that her DD has a CM or attends nursery now, so it shouldn't affect her financially to set up childcare for before and after school. I think it would be lovely of you to offer before school, but don't feel you have to if you don't want to. I work, my DS is only 16mo, but I wouldn't expect anyone to take responsibility for him in that situation. I would probably prefer to pay someone to mind him, than expect a friend to do it tbh, as I would always feel indebted if I couldn't return the favour.

If you would rather not do any of it, then say no. No is a sentence in its own right and you owe her nothing.

If she is not offering to pay you, then she is taking the piss. And if she is offering to pay you, she would have wanted to ask you if that's what you wanted to do! She sounds very cheeky. Say no!

If shes offering to pay you then just say no, its a job you dont want.

If she not taking you then just say no, Its taking the piss.

Either way, if you have the child under duress it will not be fair on the child. You will resent it.

If you have made the choice to stay at home and give your children your 100% attention, you dont have to look after any other children.

Maybe as a friend you could offer to help out one day a week. Your kids might enjoy that.

4 times a week after school and one morning is a lot. what happens if you are ill? or your DD is ill?

if she needs regular childcare, she needs an after school club, or child minder

this is just the sort of thing that can ruin a good friendship

No, YANBU. Looking after someone else's child every day is a big responsibility and committment. I can see that the morning thing would be quite hard to get out of unless you are brave enough to just say no outright. Could you say it is too much to cope with, what with having other little ones to look after?

As for the after-school thing, I'm sure your DD will soon want to do after school activities etc, so having to drag another one along would be a pain (especially if she doesn't do the activity). Can you use that as an excuse?

You are NBA!! Don't do it - unless YOU want to !! Been there and done it - nothing but hassle and you end up resenting everyone.

Even if you are doing the mornings you should be paid really... I pay £22.50 a week for the mornings.. Thats £90 a month you'd be saving her..

Now if she offered to have ALL your kids on her day off that might be a different matter

What use is having one of them for you?

If she's not offering to pay you then she's taking the piss.

If she is offering to pay you, then legally I think you'd have to register with Ofsted as a childminder.

Either way, I'd make it very clear that it isn't practical for you.

No way. Too much disruption to your family time with your dc! What if you want to do something else after school or just want to flop in a heap?!

Too much hassle when someone is ill/on holidays etc.

So, is she offering to do one day a week and in return you do 4 days a week? Doesn't sound a fair deal to me, even just for mornings. I wouldn't even offer the trial period unless you actually want to do it (not just that you don't mind).

YANBU and you're certainly not being mean. I would just prepare a suitable excuse now, that you feel you have your hands full already sorry, or something. Then you could maybe say that you would be happy to try and help out in emergencies.

I'd say no to a permanent arrangement, but if you feel like volunteering to act as 'emergency back up' (covering CM sickness, holidays or similar) then I'm sure it would be very much appreciated.

What would happen on the occasions when your dd wasn't getting on well with hers? Which will happen soon enough if they are together that much, I should think.

What happens when your dd wants a friend home from school, and they don't all want to play together?

What happens when your dd wants to do after-school clubs?

The reasons you've given seem perfectly sensible to me, and I don't think you're being mean to not want to do it - you're just putting your own children's interests first.

Thanks all. Think I will say a definate 'no' to the after school. As for the mornings it feels too awkward to say no as they would have to drive past my house to get to the school and then drive back past it to get to the station to go to work. I also don't see how it coudl be too much hassle although will have to go over the whole scenario of what happends if my DD doesnt go to school for any reason.

You can't look after a child for more than 2 hours a day without registering as a childminder, so that's a good reason not to do the after school bit.

Just explian that you are not a registered child minder and don't have a first aid certificate etc - so it would be unfair to have her daughter when there are child minders earning a proper living at this type of thing.

Then when she comes in with the well it will be ok dad ad

say no I really wouldn't be able to live with myslef if something went wrong and then I was prosecuted for not having all the correct training etc I couldn't live with myself. No that wouldn't be right oh no it is best to get a proper childnminder.

Then we can stay friends with nothing to worry about

YANBU - it's also illegal isn't it?

Tell your friend you sacrificed your career to spend time with your family.

You didn't sacrifice your career to become her unpaid childminder. Goodness me, the cheek of some people never ceases to amaze me.

It is an outrageous imposition!

I work and would never ever expect a SAHM to pick up the slack, except very occasionally in an emergency (transport seize up or something), when I would be falling over myself to recompense them with bottles of wine and babysitting.

If she asks say : "are you suggesting a formal childminding agreement? I don't think that's something I can take on" It would cut dpown all your flexibility, and I think is a big imposition on your own dd.

Say "of course I'l always help in an emergency, but I can't give you the committment you need on a permanent regular basis because of appointments with the other children etc"

If you do this - even the mornings - you will resent it like crazy in no time.