AIBU in not wanting to take care of my friends daughter

[Feelingsensitive]

My DD and my friends DD will be going to the same school from Spetember. I am a SAHM and my friend works. I also have other younger children. TBH the friend is someone who lives me near who I just know through the DCs so we are not close friends as such. Her DD and my DD probably play together once a month at the most if we happen to be at the same place. We very occassionally go to each others houses.

She has been hinting for quite some time about me taking her DD to and from school. This will involve having her from 7.30 in the morning till school time (only an hour by the time we walk to school) and then after school till 6.30 four times a week. I know it sounds really mean but I just dont want to. I have so far just said very little when she has hinted but I know she is going to ask me outright soon and I need to prepare myself. I dont mind the mornings as its only an hour. I really dont want the responsibility or the hassle associated with it all. I was thinking along the lines of saying I dont mind doing the mornings for a trial period. I cant see that being too much hassle unless they are late or something. I will offer after school care as emergencies only. I just find DD can be very grumpy at that time of the day and I want to be able to just do what we like after school rather than having to cater for another child. I feel I am being rather mean about the whole thing but I stay at home to look after my children not anyone elses. The friend keeps saying she will take DD in return on her day off but I dont need her too. AIBU in saying no or at least only offering the before school care.

missus84, I think you can as long as youre not being paid cant you?

Wasnt there a hoohaa about this where everyone said that by making that rule it was stopping community spirit etc and if friends wanted to help out friends then it should be allowed?

I may be wrong.

I think no is a good enough reason on its own as has already been said!

I think you are being very kind to say yes to mornings - if you really don't mind then fair enough but i certainly would be telling her that clearly if your dd was off school she would need to make alternative arrangements. And I wouldn't say yes to mornings just because it feels awkward to say no unless you actually want to do it either!

I don't get these people who think they can take the p8ss because you are at home - you#re hardly sat on your arse painting your nails are you (and even if you were that is your business). I work 3 days a week and would NEVER presume I could do this even to a very close friend!

Be careful before you offer up your mornings. The last thing I need at 7.30am is another child to deal with when getting everyone else read for school. Also you really will just open yourself up to "Oh would you mind having her just tonight it would really help me out" and before you know it you're back on MN asking how to cancel the whole arrangement without causing offence.

If it help's I declined to offer this same favour when my BIL asked me and that was only one evening after school

I would be wary of offering mornings. I'm a SAHM and found it quite a shock to the system when dd1 started school, mornings were suddenly really stressful getting everyone ready and out of the door on time. Adding an extra child into the mix would have been too much.

Why should you provide free childcare, while she continues to enjoy the financial benefits of working? As you say, you decided to be a SAHM to care for your DC, not someone elses. I have been a childminder and it is hard work looking after someone elses dc, however much you may like them. I think you should tell her that you value the time with your own dc and don't want the responsibility of looking after someone elses or that you are going to be too busy with your own activities. Don't feel guilty because her dc is not your responsibility and you don't owe her this just because you are at home. I think offering to be emergency backup is more than enough

"missus84, I think you can as long as youre not being paid cant you?"

The friend's being even more unreasonable if she's expecting not to pay for the childminding though - so either way I'd say no.

yanbu. It's too much. I do this for a friend, but only take to school a couple of times a week and have after school a couple of days too. Sometimes it is a right royal pain in the arse. Friend's dd is quite often in a bad mood in the mornings - she then upsets my dd and particularly goes for younger one! It's a horribly stressful start to the day.

Say no it's far too much.

Don't do it!

Not on a regular basis, school mornings are hellish enough.

It sounds like you are getting very wound up when she's not even asked you directly. If it were me I would get it out in the open, just say breezily "So what have you arranged for childcare when DD starts school? Will you be using a CM or after school clubs?". Act as if it never crossed your mind that you would be doing it, then you're in a better position to say no if she does ask.

Don't offer too many excuses, just say you want to concentrate on your DD and keep things low key when she's starting school.

I agree with all the others who shouted NO.

Even if you agree to do the mornings only, it could lead to big problems.
As others have said, what happens if your dc is sick and off school?
What happens if you are sick and getting another mother to drop your dd off at school; will you also be expected to ask favors for another's child?
If your dd has been a bit ill during the night and you decide to leave her at home for another hour while seeing is she well enough for school, what'll you do about other child?
Most people with young dc find it hectic getting out to school without either killing one of them, or being late. Do you really want the added stress of another child in that mix?

I'd also hold off on offering to be an emergency back-up carer. Your idea of "emergency" may not be her's. You can offer at a later date, but harder to withdraw the offer once made.

sorry but IMHO she is taking the mick.

If it were me, I would say I was happy to help out now & then to cover for emergencies, but I can't commit to it every day.

She needs to do what other families where both parents work do, (that don't have willing grandparents etc around to help) - and that's pay for formal before & after school care.

I'm a SAHM through choice & we took a huge drop in family income so that I could spend time with our DC (not knocking anyone else's choice, but this was our choice). I'm certainly not going to be anyone's unpaid childminder & any "friend" who suggested it would get short shrift. (Real friends wouldn't even ask this IMO) More than happy (and have done a number of times) to help working friends out in emergencies though.

YANBU I have kids for tea and am knackered by 7pm, you just can't relax like you can with your own kids. I am a SAHM too and would say no, unless in emergencies. If she chooses to work, she needs to sort childcare. You SAH to look after your kids NOT other people's especially if they would be earning on the back of your labours.

Would YOU ask someone to do such a huge favour for you? Probably not, so don't be guilted into saying yes. Of course she wants the cheaper option, but it's too much of a commitment to you for someone who is not that close a friend.

By all means offer to be the back up, CMs take holidays and are sick as well, so you could fill in then. Or even on the odd occasion she has to work extra late, etc. But you are not responsible for this little girl.

I don't blame the OP for getting wound up - I know the hinting types - if you don't make your position absolutely clear, they think you've gone along with their plans.

I am a WOHM and I hate it when other WOHMs behave like this. I do not assume my SAHM friends are there to provide free childcare for me and would be mortified if they ever thought I might

I absolutely wouldn't do this in the first term, getting more than one child (I guess you still have to take your LOs with you) out of the door and on time is really a hassle. I would perhaps do it on a reciprocal basis if your dd takes well to school and your routine is great. This woman sounds incredibly cheeky, I work a drive away from my dd's school and I would never ask a SAHM to take my daughter every day, at most I might ask on a one off emergency, or suggest a genuine swap (you do two days, she does two or whatever),although I've done neither of these. If it's not a beneficial arrangement for you, don't get bullied into it by a woman you only see once a month at most.

Definitely don't do it - any of it. Getting out of the house with 3 small dc's is bloody hard work on school mornings let alone with another child there.

Next time she hints say she needs to start looking for a childminder - I would then personally laugh and say 'god I could never do that' - make it clear you are not going to do her childcare for free.

Her journeys to school/trainstation are her affair which she needs to sort out.

YANBU ^ see all above why

saslou said 'Why should you provide free childcare, while she continues to enjoy the financial benefits of working?' That's exactly how I felt but she said it alot better!

NO!!!!! DON'T DO IT!!!
Certainly not for hte first term, as someone else has said. You need to see how it all pans out for your DD first.

YANBU

This is far too much to ask.

I totally agree with maryz.

I would definately get out of the mornings as soon as you can.

TBH I really wouldn't be that concerned about how saying no would affect the friendship, either. I'm not sure I would be that keen on keeping a friend who even asked this.

I speak from experience. Just say no.