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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU in not wanting to take care of my friends daughter

104 replies

Feelingsensitive · 07/05/2010 18:01

My DD and my friends DD will be going to the same school from Spetember. I am a SAHM and my friend works. I also have other younger children. TBH the friend is someone who lives me near who I just know through the DCs so we are not close friends as such. Her DD and my DD probably play together once a month at the most if we happen to be at the same place. We very occassionally go to each others houses.

She has been hinting for quite some time about me taking her DD to and from school. This will involve having her from 7.30 in the morning till school time (only an hour by the time we walk to school) and then after school till 6.30 four times a week. I know it sounds really mean but I just dont want to. I have so far just said very little when she has hinted but I know she is going to ask me outright soon and I need to prepare myself. I dont mind the mornings as its only an hour. I really dont want the responsibility or the hassle associated with it all. I was thinking along the lines of saying I dont mind doing the mornings for a trial period. I cant see that being too much hassle unless they are late or something. I will offer after school care as emergencies only. I just find DD can be very grumpy at that time of the day and I want to be able to just do what we like after school rather than having to cater for another child. I feel I am being rather mean about the whole thing but I stay at home to look after my children not anyone elses. The friend keeps saying she will take DD in return on her day off but I dont need her too. AIBU in saying no or at least only offering the before school care.

OP posts:
jenduff · 07/05/2010 22:23

found the thread zipzap and alicet were talking about

tinkletinklelittlestar · 07/05/2010 23:48

YANBU. Sounds like your friend needs to sort out childcare of some description. You are a SAHM not a nanny to someone else's kids.

Don't make a choice you won't be able to back out of later.

Unless you do actually want to be a childminder, it should be a great big 'NO'.

porcamiseria · 08/05/2010 09:25

she is TAKING THE PISS!!!!! seriously, how dare she expect you to provide child care gratis?

just say no, and if there is a fall out well so be it. as a working Mum I would not dream of asking someone to do this, and I see others here feel the same

some people!

Fluffyone · 08/05/2010 09:28

If you don't want to do it just say no.

diddl · 08/05/2010 09:32

I agree to no!

It´s too much based on the friendship of two little girls.

What about school holidays?

belgo · 08/05/2010 09:39

I would be really upset if a friend assumed I would be an unpaid childminder just because they work and I don't.

I'm happy to help friends out if necessary but not to provide free child care four days a week.

LittleMrsHappy · 08/05/2010 10:07

To look after a child for more than 3 hours per week, the NCMA, have now put in place with the government, that anybody who looks after children for more than 3 hours per week, need to be ofsted registered, via the NCMA, and a CRB check done, with also anybody over the age of 16 in the carer household will also need to be CRB checked.

And also, in that care, you have to follow the EYFS in looking after the child, and have to follow all childminding protocols I believe.

HTH.

gorionine · 08/05/2010 10:17

"To look after a child for more than 3 hours per week, the NCMA, have now put in place with the government, that anybody who looks after children for more than 3 hours per week, need to be ofsted registered, via the NCMA, and a CRB check done, with also anybody over the age of 16 in the carer household will also need to be CRB checked."

Really, even if you do not get payed for it?

I think OP is definitely not BU but if someone was doing it out of "comunity spirit" would they really be in trouble with the law?

"And also, in that care, you have to follow the EYFS in looking after the child, and have to follow all childminding protocols I believe."
OMG I do not even follow EYFS with my own children, let alone other people ones!

LittleMrsHappy · 08/05/2010 10:20

even if you dont get paid for it.

LittleMrsHappy · 08/05/2010 10:26

registration policy

A reward, it not only money.

LittleMrsHappy · 08/05/2010 10:27

sorry, I got it wrong, it is more than 2 hours per day, not week.

gorionine · 08/05/2010 10:39

I got this from the OFSTED website and point 6 seems to say you have to register if it involves money but not rewards (I would count as reward a nice box of choccies of some flowers). Reading it it seems less bonquers than I had previously thought :

""You do not have to register with us in the following cases.

1 If you care for children who are aged eight and over.

2 If you provide care where a child does not stay with you for more than two hours a day, even if your childcare service is open for longer than two hours.

3 If you only care for a child or children aged under eight who you are related to. A relative means a grandparent, aunt, uncle, brother or sister of a child (or half-brother or sister) or someone you are related to through marriage or civil partnership.

4 If you care for children aged under eight on domestic premises as a childminder without receiving any payment or reward for your services. Domestic premises can be your own home or someone else?s home.

5 If you are a foster carer for the children.

6 If you only care for the children of one or more friends in your own home or someone else?s home and no money changes hands, including money to pay for things like electricity and food.

7 If you provide care for children in their own home. This includes caring for children of up to two sets of parents completely or mainly in one or both sets of parents? homes. However, you need to register as a childminder if you look after the children of three sets of parents in any or all of the parents? homes.

8 If you only provide care between 6pm and 2am on domestic premises (babysitting arrangements). Domestic premises can be your own home or someone else?s home.

9 If you are providing a home-education arrangement where a child of school age receives full-time education outside school, and is partly or completely taught by a person other than a parent of the child. Care provided to the child is incidental to (not the main focus of) the education offered.

10 If you provide no more than two activities from the following list.
 School study support or homework support
 Sport
 Performing arts
 Arts and crafts
 Religious, cultural or language study
This only applies if you care for children who are aged three and over, and you do not care for children aged under five for more than four hours in any one day. Any care provided is incidental (not the main focus of) to the provision.

11 If you provide care as part of your organisation?s activities in any of the following places.
 A children?s home
 A care home
 A hospital in which a child is a patient
 A residential family centre
 A young offenders institution or secure training centre

12 If you are a school that provides education or care for children aged three and over, where at least one child being cared for is a pupil of the school. Children who are two years old when they start school but are three by the end of their first term at school (known as rising threes), may count as age three when deciding whether you need to register.

13 If you care for children under eight for four hours or less each day and the care is for the convenience of parents who plan to stay on the premises where you are providing care or within the immediate area. This type of provision has no long-term commitment to provide care for children ? for example, a shoppers? crèche, a crèche attached to a sports centre or adult learning centre, or an exhibition ? and covers services where children do not necessarily attend every day.

14 If you provide an open access scheme for children. An open access scheme allows children not in the early years age group (see note 1 below) to leave on their own. Childminders are not allowed to provide an open access scheme.

1 The early years age group is children aged from birth until the 31 August following their fifth birthday who go to early years settings that deliver the Early Years Foundation Stage.

15 If you care for children under eight from specific premises for 14 days or less in any year, and you let us know in writing at least 14 days before starting the service.

16 If you care for children between 6pm and 2am in hotels, guest houses or similar places. The care is for children of no more than two different clients, staying at the same place at the same time (babysitting arrangements).""

ChippingIn · 08/05/2010 10:51

Good decision Feelingsensitive!!!

Let us know when you tell her!!!!

LittleMrsHappy · 08/05/2010 10:52

The link I provided in the ofsted one, and it just says reward, and as I am a registered childminder and also work as I SW in the IRT, I have always led to believe and been told, that a reward does not only mean money.

pacinofan · 08/05/2010 11:00

YANBU. Last year a mum said to me on picking up dd1 'You won't mind will you if I drop my kids off at your house and you can walk them to school for a few weeks? It's just until my au pair starts'. It wasn't even a request, more like an assumption.

I said sorry, no. I have trouble enough getting my daughter into school on some mornings because of behavioural issues, she knew this too, and I felt it was just too much.

You also have to think about when it's raining heavily, you will probably want to use the car and will need suitable car seats, etc, all needs thinking about.

gorionine · 08/05/2010 11:03

LittleMissHappy, I got my bit from your link, it is all the exemptions to registration.

I think they are trying to make a difference,which I agree with, between a "proper child minding service" like yourself or someone like myself who just does it from time to time to help a friend. Now, if it was on a very frequent/permanent basis like OP's case, I would consider asking for payment and therefore register.

Milliways · 08/05/2010 11:08

A friend did this for me once, when DD started school - BUT it was only for

brightyoungthing · 08/05/2010 11:15

You poor thing! I work 24 hours a week but I do double shifts so I only need childcare for 2 days instead of 4. Yes, I get a lot of free time because of this but I always have things I need to do, and rarely just have time for me.
When a friend was pregnant she told me she was going back to work when baby was 2 months old and she asked if I would pick him up from nursery on my days off!
The nursery is a good 40 mins walk in the opposite direction from DD's school and as I don't drive would have meant getting taxi's all over the place.
Also I didn't want to have the responsibility of looking after a young baby and me and DD like to do things together after school.
I told her a firm NO WAY, said in a lighthearted way, as though I thought she was joking and she never asked again!!
Just say no, it's not fair of her to ask you IMO

gtamom · 08/05/2010 11:22

If she hints again, mention you heard the school/church/local bulletin board at grocery store (or wherever people post their ads in your area) has a list of child care providers in the area. Or casually say if you hear of anyone in the area you will let her know.

If she comes out and asks, look startled and say "Who, me? My hands are overflowing as it is, sorry. I will keep my ears opened though, if I hear of anyone will let you know".

poppymouse · 08/05/2010 22:36

Don't go anywhere near this! Some people got done lately for this, no money involved, they were just doing each other a favour. I think it was overturned but it does show the reward does not have to be money. The main reason for not doing it is that she will take you for a mug from here to the end of time if you even do the mornings. I would put money on this being the thin end of the wedge, next she'll be ringing you saying she can't manage this and she can't manage that and surely it wouldn't be too much trouble for you to...

Like some other folk round here, DH and I don't have parents etc around to fall back on and we don't pick on people and guilt trip them into sorting our lives out.

Onestonetogo · 08/05/2010 22:48

YANBU, she must be mad.

DandyLioness · 08/05/2010 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

gtamom · 09/05/2010 08:52

And, if your own child/children get ill, and are not going to school, you will be committed to taking this child to school, even if you have been up all night long with a sick child who has just finally fallen asleep. Do you get your sick child out of bed to take the other child to school?

trixymalixy · 09/05/2010 11:49

I'm going to have a problem getting my kids to nursery when i start back at work as I will have a long commute.

I wouldn't DREAM of asking any of my friends to take them for me. Even if they offered I would probably say "thanks, but no" as it would be a huge imposition and they would become fed up and resentful extremely quickly.

Just say NO NO NO!

whippybamboo · 09/05/2010 14:47

YANBU, summon up the courage to set boundaries and say 'NO'. You don't even need to explain. Your 'friend' can hire a childminder.

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