Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

AIBU in not wanting to take care of my friends daughter

104 replies

Feelingsensitive · 07/05/2010 18:01

My DD and my friends DD will be going to the same school from Spetember. I am a SAHM and my friend works. I also have other younger children. TBH the friend is someone who lives me near who I just know through the DCs so we are not close friends as such. Her DD and my DD probably play together once a month at the most if we happen to be at the same place. We very occassionally go to each others houses.

She has been hinting for quite some time about me taking her DD to and from school. This will involve having her from 7.30 in the morning till school time (only an hour by the time we walk to school) and then after school till 6.30 four times a week. I know it sounds really mean but I just dont want to. I have so far just said very little when she has hinted but I know she is going to ask me outright soon and I need to prepare myself. I dont mind the mornings as its only an hour. I really dont want the responsibility or the hassle associated with it all. I was thinking along the lines of saying I dont mind doing the mornings for a trial period. I cant see that being too much hassle unless they are late or something. I will offer after school care as emergencies only. I just find DD can be very grumpy at that time of the day and I want to be able to just do what we like after school rather than having to cater for another child. I feel I am being rather mean about the whole thing but I stay at home to look after my children not anyone elses. The friend keeps saying she will take DD in return on her day off but I dont need her too. AIBU in saying no or at least only offering the before school care.

OP posts:

twooter · 07/05/2010 18:53

yanbu. i looked after a friends dc before playgroup for 4 monrings a week, and resented it very quickly.

it'd get my dc hyped up, and not concentrate on getting ready, i'd have to make sure i was in a fit state to answer the door, and time my shower right etc.

over time, they used to start ganging up with dc1 against dc2, and being cheeky, and just generally getting on my nerves.

Indaba · 07/05/2010 19:04

no no no
just say my "mornings are already fraught enough and i wouldn't be able to cope"
good luck!

easyoptionwoman · 07/05/2010 19:05

Whether she is paying or not is irrelevant. If you don't want to then say no. It's her right and choice to go out to work just as it is yours to stay at home. She needs to find an alternative. Her assumption that your time is available to her (and less important because you are SAHM)is rude.

Sorry I am on my soapbox because this happens to me fairly frequently and it really pisses me off! I've done it in the past because I don't want to see a friend stuck but no more. Her husband seems to think everyone else is available to raise their children while he saves his holidays and flexi for himself. Funnily enough no-one offers to return the favour and look after my 3DC.

Journey · 07/05/2010 19:05

If she asks just say "I'm afraid I'm not a childminder" and leave it at that. Don't get into a discussion about it or apologise, and don't put your DD down by saying she can be grumpy as an excuse.

Definately don't do a trial run because you will trap yourself into feeling obliged to do it on a permanent basis.

If she had no plans to pay you she is having a laugh. Don't be the gullible party.

Original poster

Feelingsensitive · 07/05/2010 19:07

Thank you all. I am going to say no. Glad IANBU. I feel a tad guility so will help out with emergencies only. Off to crack open a bottle of wine now, enjoy your evening .....

OP posts:

Journey · 07/05/2010 19:13

Just read you post on going over what to do if your DD doesn't attend school one day. You're being far too nice. It's not your problem it's hers. If your DD doesn't go to school then the other mother needs to sort it out - end of.

You sound like a very caring person but the reality is that your friend's DD's mum won't appreciate it. People like that take all they can and then when they don't need your help any more they often just cut you off. Please don't fall into this trap. Put yours and your DDs needs first.

coppertop · 07/05/2010 19:15

I'd be careful too about offering help in emergencies. I suspect your friend's idea of an emergency might be very different to your own.

maryz · 07/05/2010 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

didgeridoo · 07/05/2010 19:17

I think this is a big ask, especially as an unpaid favour I would say no, personally. It's not as if you stand to lose a deep & meaningful friendship. What if your dc's are doing out of school clubs?Will your friend's dd just be expected to hang around or will you be expected to ferry her to any clubs she wants to do!? I agree mornings are a 'challenging' time & you'll probably find you have far less patience with your own dc's as it's difficult to have a bit of a strop with someone else's. The whole thing is a recipe for misery & disaster if you ask me. Just say NO!!

MoneyNoPockets · 07/05/2010 19:19

Beware the emergencies aren't every week!

I think it would be hard to do considering you have other children to consider and your DD could not be going in one day.

Claribella · 07/05/2010 19:29

I agree with all of the above posts. I'd only add - when would the morning duties stop? Next year? When they move up from infants to juniors? When they go to senior school? How many years of your life will you bottle the resentment up for? Or worry about how to break the news to her? So why even start?!!!

If she hints again, you need to nip it in the bud in a polite but firm way. The sooner she knows the answer is a 'No' the sooner she can start saving her pennies/ applying for salary sacrifice/ change her hours/ get childcarevaouchers/take the piss of another SAHM / apply for working family credits etc etc. You'll be being kinder if you are honest now.

Introduce the subject if she is letting it drift in the hope that you will agree by default. Something along the lines of "I was talking to XXX last week. She was saying how she had been looking for a decent CM before they are all snapped up for the next academic year. How are you getting on? Sorry? Me? Look after your little one? Oh no I couldn't possibly do that, I'm not qualified and tbh I just don't need the worry. But if it helps XXX said the Councils website was a font of information....You thought I said I would? Well, I'm not going to I'm afraid, but I'm not going to fight about it? The front door is over there..." bla de bla

FEEL NO GUILT!!!!

sungirltan · 07/05/2010 19:33

yanbu. don't feel pushed into it. dont even agree to the mornings if you dont want to. she needs to look into organised childcare - maybe put her in touch with the after school club if there is one

5Foot5 · 07/05/2010 19:46

A definite no. Even to the mornings.

Other people have said what if your DD is sick. But have you considered that anyone cheeky enough to even suggest this arrangement might well be the sort who would dump their DD on you when she was a bit under the weather. So then she has scarpered and you are left with her DD not well enough for school and you end up minding her all day.

And what about school holidays? how long before she started "hinting" that you look after her DD all day then.

DO NOT GO ALONG WITH THIS!!!!

sleepingsowell · 07/05/2010 19:54

Agree with claribella - don't get drawn into this in any way and don't have guilt about it. As she says, you are looking at years of doing this stretching out ahead of you. Most kids locally seem to start walking alone at 9 or 10 and not before; so you would have 5 or 6 years of mornings with this person's child!

I think you need to protect your family life and say a strong no. Your dd needs your attention etc while she settles in.

Being there for emergencies is lovely and friendly and community minded, so yes - if her paid childcare breaks down then now and again, help could be offered.

Or - silly thought - she or the child's father could look into changing working hours to mean they could take/pick up their own kid more than once a week!

Don't leap on me anyone; I know this is sometimes just not possible. But have they even tried - or even thought of this!

ravenAK · 07/05/2010 20:04

Bloody hell, I work fulltime & it would never, ever occur to me to ask a mate to look after my dc!

What's in it for them? If they wanted to look after other people's dc they'd be registering as a CM.

OK, in a dire emergency I might ring SAHD friend who lives 2 streets away, to collect dc from school if the wheels had come off our regular childcare arrangements, but it'd be a one off & merit a bottle of wine or something...

You could always find an opportunity to mention a fictitious CM friend & how you don't know how she does it, strewth, the very idea of looking after extra children fills you with horror, if you want to evade the conversation where she asks you outright & you have to say No.

oceryo · 07/05/2010 20:08

Why is she "hinting" instead of just asking you? If she doesn't even ask then you don't have to say yes or no.

Tootlesmummy · 07/05/2010 20:12

Can't you say no as you'll need to register as a childminder and don't want to?, not sure if that's right but it sounds good.

IloveJudgeJudy · 07/05/2010 20:17

I just wanted to add my thoughts - DON'T DO IT! Even mornings. I know that you said she goes past your door, but 7.30 is the time when you're all rushing around to get ready, especially as you said you've got other children.

I agree with all the others. You'll end up resenting it in no time. From your OP it sounds as if all your children are younger. Unless you've done the school run for some time you cannot imagine how stressful it can get. Do you really want someone from outside seeing all that goes on in your house at that time as, make no mistake, what happens will get reported by (or even coaxed out of) the other child.

I wouldn't even offer to be there for emergencies myself. I do offer for my friends, but they're people that are MY friends, not just parents of my children's friends and I never feel used.

ljgibbs · 07/05/2010 20:28

Glad to hear you're not going to do it.

I suspect that if you were to say yes to this arrangement then the friend will make up lots of reasons as too why she can't uphold her end of the bargin, of having your dd on her day off

Conundrumish · 07/05/2010 20:32

I'd say no to all of it. If you do a bit, she will ask more and more.

I know a few people like this. The way I look at it is that I gave up my career, and halved our income, by stopping work to be a SAHM and if I end up looking after friends' children all the time my children not only suffer from our reduced income but also by not having the time together they would otherwise have. There are plenty of after school facilities about.

Some people have such a cheek.

QOD · 07/05/2010 20:41

I did this in the mornings a few years back, the problem was that I had to be dressed and up before i needed to be - the kid that comes to you is dressed and ready for school and you aren't!

outnumbered2to1 · 07/05/2010 20:46

don;t do it - any of it. If you say yes to the mornings you will be sure that she will ask if you could pick her up "just this once" in the afternoon - and then it'll be twice then three times then before you know where you are their DD is oin your house more than her own.....

its not your responsibility to get their DD to school its theirs....

zipzap · 07/05/2010 22:06

Another vote here for don't do it - not least as morning's are bad enough as it is in the first year of school (haven't got as far as the second year yet to see if they are just as bad ) but as others have said, I'm sure that you would have to register as a childminder in order to do this - with all the incumbent cost/training/hellred tape/etc that goes with it. If you wanted to be a childminder then you would have already done it...

there was a thread on MN a little while back about a mum who was in a similar predicament to you but she was already involved in looking after the child - think it was just in the afternoons after school - when really all she wanted was to spend time with her own dd. the DD was very unhappy about arrangement as not even a particular friend, other mum was completely abusing the situation and what had started out as a occasional bit of help had morphed into a regular thing which she hated.

When she finally got up courage to say that enough was enough the other woman got really stroppy despite the fact she was getting free childcare (and child was being fed) as if the other woman owed it to her adn that she was doing her a favour by letting her look after the other child... and when finally it was over, the dd and her mum were both so much happier and the other mum and kid had moved onto some other poor sucker, plus I think they realised they had to have dad involved and actual childcare. (Could be wrong about the last bit!)

However it was a great thread, definitely worth a read to see what you could be getting yourself into. Think the woman was called jane - I can't find a reference to it but maybe somebody else remembers? It was quite long and well contributed to...

alicet · 07/05/2010 22:09

zipzap I remember the thread you are talking about! A MN classic really - I remember being totally and utterly gob smacked that someone could be such a piss taker and then cheering into my laptop when the MNetter in question told her where to go!

OP if this thread doesn't put you off nothing would!!!! Glad to hear you're not going to do it though

jenduff · 07/05/2010 22:21

Wow one of the few unanimous threads on IABU

OP YANBU - please for your own sanity do not do it!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5