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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why so many people don't get married before having DCs?

342 replies

EveWasFramed · 03/05/2010 10:43

I promise, this isn't meant to be judgemental!! But, my DH and I grew up in pretty traditional families, where you got married first BEFORE having kids...it was kind of a negative thing to do otherwise.

I wanted to get married before my DCs just because I thought there should be some kind of (legal) committment to make it more difficult for one of us to bugger off if we got fed up...if kind of 'makes' us work things out if we ever run into any problems.

Don't know...thoughts, please? I am curious...

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 03/05/2010 10:44

i didn't because i fell pregnant by accident. we now have 3 children and are still not married because neither of us feel a compelling need to do so.
you can be totally committed to someone without having to be married
and quite frankly i have better things to spend the money on!

usualsuspect · 03/05/2010 10:45

Well I've been with my dp for 30 odds years never married ..3 kids ..we seem to do ok on the working things out front

tethersend · 03/05/2010 10:46

Well... it was possible to conceive a child in a drunken stupor at 5 in the morning after a night on the tiles, but inexplicably, all the churches were shut.

So the child came first.

Original poster
EveWasFramed · 03/05/2010 10:47

I am terribly narrow minded, I'm afraid...I guess I just wonder why, if you are together, with kids, then getting married makes sense? Why wouldn't you? (and I don't know if I believe in the expense issue...surely you can go to a registry office for minimal money?)

OP posts:
SalFresco · 03/05/2010 10:47

I think once you have children, that is such a huge commitment, that a wedding can feel a bit unecessary.

I was married before I had DC's, but we got married quite young. If hadn't been married before, it would be a low priority now we do have DC's - becuase of cost, hassle, and the fact that we are going to be bound together forever anyway. In fact, the one reason to do it might be to make things simpler if one of us carked it.

Original poster
EveWasFramed · 03/05/2010 10:48

tether... good point!

OP posts:
said · 03/05/2010 10:49

Depends whether you view marriage as important or not. We both grew up in families with traditional views but it hasn't made either of us want to carry on like that. You don't just continue with something because you parents did

BunnyLebowski · 03/05/2010 10:49

It's complete horseshit that being married makes you work.

Starting a family with someone is the biggest commitment you can make, regardless of whether or not you have a fancy day out and sign a form.

I have 2 friends who had their kids, as you would see it, the 'right' way. Both their marriages have failed.

Meanwhile mine and DP's 9 year unmarried relationship has outlasted their marriages.

grumpypants · 03/05/2010 10:49

Do you mean to the person you had the dcs with? Because I was married, and I did have dcs while married.

mysteryfairy · 03/05/2010 10:50

I think your point is really weird OP. No way would I want to be with someone who saw the "legal" thing as being a more convincing tie than his own children

mumbar · 03/05/2010 10:50

lol tetherspend. I had plans to marry ex-p we had 'discussed' this but perhaps the pill isn't religious either cos along came ds!!

We got engaged, were househunting when he got cought with his trousers down so I'm glad we didn't. Oh and btw if we had got married first I would have still left him for adultary so do not believe it always makes you 'work things out'.

Alouiseg · 03/05/2010 10:51

Had this convo with dh the other day, we got married because I was pregnant, we'd only been together for 9 months and it just hurried us along a bit.

I find it strange that people are prepared to have a baby together without being prepared to be married. In most cases I know where couples with children are unmarried it is a reluctance on the part of the man not the woman.

I wanted to be married, can't reason why but I knew I would marry dh about 5 mins into our first conversation.

Interestingly at dc previous school there was only 1 unmarried couple and the comments that were made about them were all negative. Basically about him not committing properly or giving his partner the wedding that she wanted.

tethersend · 03/05/2010 10:52

I never wanted to get married- I'm not anti-marriage, but it just never figured in my life plan (when I had one).

I never dreamed of being a bride, never fantasised about my wedding day. I actually find it a bit creepy when people say that they have.

Original poster
EveWasFramed · 03/05/2010 10:52

Sort of grumpy!

I guess it seems like lots of people choose NOT to get married, but to have kids together...I just wonder why, really.

I know that sometimes 'surprises' happen, but there are some who choose to have kids without the marriage part. And I'm not talking about the wedding...that's not the same thing as a marriage, IMO.

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 03/05/2010 10:53

I got married because someone asked and I thought it sounded like a great idea. We had been trying for kids a long time before that and I did fall pregnant before the wedding (sadly miscarried) but wouldn't have really cared if I had kids before marriage as marriage was never that important to me.

My workmate always goes on about how glad she is that I got married before having kids but it wasn't planned that way and she's pretty old-fashioned in my opinion.

usualsuspect · 03/05/2010 10:53

I never wanted to be married .. simple as that really

VinegarTits · 03/05/2010 10:54

because we dont live in a fairy tale and shit happens

said · 03/05/2010 10:54

Because a long-term relationship is, effectively, the same as a marriage for most people - except there was no wedding. And I'm not anyone's wife.

tethersend · 03/05/2010 10:54

X-post Alouiseg, not calling you creepy

Unless you practised being a bride with a pillowcase on your head after the first date.

That would be creepy.

VinegarTits · 03/05/2010 10:54

were you a virgin until your wedding day OP?

BelleDameSansMerci · 03/05/2010 10:55

My parents married because my mother was pregnant with me. After 30 years of physical and emotional abuse she finally left my father. I will never marry. My DD was a happy accident (as I hadn't exactly planned to have children either) but, thank heavens, attitudes have changed so that I do not have to be legally shackled to her handsome but useless father.

Original poster
EveWasFramed · 03/05/2010 10:55

Not weird, mysteryfairy...why is it weird to want your committment legally bound? No less weird than NOT wanting that...

OP posts:
hobbgoblin · 03/05/2010 10:56

Not everybody 'believes' in marriage. To many it means very little. You haven't exactly set out very strong reasons for marriage having any major value in your posts. Not to say it hasn't but you haven't given a strong case for marriage. Tradition? Tie to you/DC? Double

I can see few reasons why marriage is a great idea and many why it is highly pointless from my personal point of view.

So, why would I have married before DC? As it happens I married after the 1st DC and divorced when the second child we had was 18 months old so have a go at explaining to me why marriage would have been a good idea for me? Silly me for ever doing it I reckon.

Marriage has little meaning and mostly it protects inheritance and finances and all that gubbins. You seem to be arguing this from the point of morality...

Janos · 03/05/2010 10:56

Well, in my case, DS wasn't planned.

I've never wanted to and don't think I ever will!

Original poster
EveWasFramed · 03/05/2010 10:56

No vinegar, I wasn't, and I didn't view marriage as a fairy tale, either...no relationship is!

OP posts: