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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why so many people don't get married before having DCs?

342 replies

EveWasFramed · 03/05/2010 10:43

I promise, this isn't meant to be judgemental!! But, my DH and I grew up in pretty traditional families, where you got married first BEFORE having kids...it was kind of a negative thing to do otherwise.

I wanted to get married before my DCs just because I thought there should be some kind of (legal) committment to make it more difficult for one of us to bugger off if we got fed up...if kind of 'makes' us work things out if we ever run into any problems.

Don't know...thoughts, please? I am curious...

OP posts:
RooBear · 03/05/2010 14:09

I guess after reading some of these posts me and my DH are quite traditional. We got married last year and we are expected our first in Oct. We wouldn't have had it any other way, after he proposed we bought our own home to prepare, and once the child is born will sort out a will etc... we both have the same values and thoughts on things like this so it wouldn't have worked for us otherwise. On the otherhand my elder sister has been with her partner since she was 16-now 29 and they are trying for a child, no intention to marry, and thats great for them. Sorry for the long post, guess I'm trying to say whatever works for each couple! oh and before someone asks yes I'm a tory voter! (as someone implied the OP earlier)

marantha · 03/05/2010 14:15

The problem with some - NOT all, I must stress, some of them are grown-up enough to take the consequences of their actions/inactions in not getting wed- cohabitees is that they take the attitude of "why should I marry? It's outdated, bourgeois institution" then expect the authorities to help them get money off their ex-partner if they split up.
These people get on my wick.

It also gets on wick cos these are exactly the sort of people who will witter on about "cohabitee rights" and how important it is too bring them in to law- no thanks. If I ever cohabit with a man again, there is no way on god's earth that I wish to be tied to him on a legal basis. Ever.

flockwallpaper · 03/05/2010 14:21

Agree Marantha, DH and I married mostly for the piece of paper, not to make any particular type of statement or to have a wedding. Some people get very emotional about it but a marriage certificate is a legal document at the end of the day.

Missus84 · 03/05/2010 14:33

"then expect the authorities to help them get money off their ex-partner if they split up."

What do you mean by get money off them? Presumably not child maintenance?

"It also gets on wick cos these are exactly the sort of people who will witter on about "cohabitee rights" and how important it is too bring them in to law- no thanks. If I ever cohabit with a man again, there is no way on god's earth that I wish to be tied to him on a legal basis. Ever. "

I do agree with this - lots of people cohabit but don't want any legal entanglement, and that option should be available. It would be great if there was a civil partnership option for heterosexual couples though, so people could choose to make the legal commitments to each other without the religious/cultural/patriarchal baggage that "marriage" has.

Bumperliouzzzzzz · 03/05/2010 14:41

OP, your opinion just seems a bit judgemental because you posted in AIBU. If you want reasoned discussion I would post elsewhere

Any marriage is a patriarchal, religious, completely artificial construct. Why should you get married before having children? I'm sure that as marriage goes out of fashion more consideration will be given to 'common-law' marriage where you would have the same legal rights just by living together for X no. of years as by being married.

That said we did get married, but mainly for the presents and the pretty dress (me obv not DH ) and so we didn't have to keep saying boyfriend/girlfriend.

I was born out of wedlock to catholic parents. The treatment of this situation by my dad's parents was irreparable. My parents split up after a couple of years, but this is because they were young and not compatible not because marriage would have kept them together (they've both been divorced twice each since then so clearly marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be for everyone.)

vonnyh · 03/05/2010 14:45

To answer the OP's original question, I didn't get married before I had DC's because he didn't ask me........

mrsboogie · 03/05/2010 14:48

I don't think I have ever met a person who didn't bugger off when they got fed up simply because they were married.

If you read the relationship threads on here you will see how little regard many people hold for their marriages.

But I do know many people that would never bugger off even if they were fed up because they believe that is the wrong thing to do, and I think it is maybe possible that those people are more likely to want to get married in the first place because they think it is the right thing to do.

I have a child and I am not married and I trust that my partner views the mutual decision wrt to creation of that child as a far greater commitment than a wedding ritual.

mamasparkle · 03/05/2010 15:04

Colditz and the rest of you who doth protest too much...you all make me laugh,because I bet if your DP came home tonight with a little box and a proposal you'd bite his hand off!You've all obviously had a lot of time to think about ypur excuses to cover up for the fact your DPs won't marry you..-

usualsuspect · 03/05/2010 15:06

Yeah right mamasparkle ...

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 03/05/2010 15:11

Not being married when you have kids can really cause problems should one of you die before the youngest DC is 18 - the partner left behind..... the partner left behind dos not necessarily get custody of the children....

usualsuspect · 03/05/2010 15:11

forgot the

Missus84 · 03/05/2010 15:12

"Not being married when you have kids can really cause problems should one of you die before the youngest DC is 18 - the partner left behind..... the partner left behind dos not necessarily get custody of the children.... "

Surely they do if both have parental responsibility?

Bumperliouzzzzzz · 03/05/2010 15:14

LOL mamasparkle, because ALL women are sitting around gagging to be proposed to while the men are commitment phobic refusniks.

OR

These are intelligent committed couples who I would imagine have actually talked to each other about their expectations of their relationships and that is why they are still together, in spite of not having that all important bit of paper that just proves their commitment.

(Apologies for over use of italics)

noddyholder · 03/05/2010 15:15

You can sort it legally if you don't want the trad marriage scenario.I have never wanted to get married it just isn't on my radar.have been asked several times though and have diamonds too just not all the other bs. My old neighbours dp came home with one hell of a diamond and a bended knee proposal several years ago. Don't think it was much use to her when he knocked seven bells out of her once they were married and threw her from a 1st floor window .No guarantees don't be so smug

Blackduck · 03/05/2010 15:17

I'm sure mamasparkle that if all us non-marrieds actually wanted (secretly) to be married we would hardly wait for the OH to ask - I am big enough and grown up enough to ask him to marry me......

hocuspontas · 03/05/2010 15:24

lol at mamasparkle thinking that I've spent 28 years wringing my hands waiting for dp to bring a little box home! He often brings a little box home, always contains a spare part for the PC though

noddyholder · 03/05/2010 15:26

My dp good with little boxes too, usually brownies

PuppyMonkey · 03/05/2010 15:29

Marriage is no big commitment at all these days, it is so easy to get divorced.

Personally I therefore don't see the point of it. Yes, some people might want a public commitment. But I'm not that bothered about what the public think!! Perhaps I don't need the public to see how committed I am on that one wedding day.

I've been with my partner for 16 years, not got married, have two kids, both have PR, have wills sorted, joint mortgage, life insurance/legal stuff all in place etc etc.

Nobody has ever, EVER batted an eyelid that we are not married so far in out dcs' life. It's a none issue for us. If we still lived in the 19th century when marriage meant something, it might be an issue. But in 2010, it hasn't been an issue.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 03/05/2010 15:35

parental responsibility stuff here

cory · 03/05/2010 15:44

I think a lot of my generation lost faith in marriage as some kind of guarantee of everlasting commitment.

kitcat1977 · 03/05/2010 15:54

I think marriage has become disconnected from having children. DH and I weren't married when we went through (unsuccessful) IVF and had no plans to be. We married for ourselves, not for the sake of children - and anyway we thought we might well never have any. Luckily for us, we now have our beautiful baby DD

Chrysanthamum · 03/05/2010 16:05

If you don't mind me saying I do think its a little quaint of you to wonder why other people don't get married before having kids.
Each to their own surely?
We had our first child and got married 4 yrs later then had two more. We were partners for a long time before that although I do feel that our wedding in some surprising way did complete the circle and i'm v glad we did it.
Our wedding was v romantic and inexpensive just the 3 of us. We had a joint christening and wedding party for our 2nd childs christening.
It definitely simplifies the whole parental responsibility issue as well.

4andnotout · 03/05/2010 16:09

I have been with dp for 6 years and we have 4 dd's but cannot marry as dp is still married to someone else and we cannot afford the divorce costs.

LynetteScavo · 03/05/2010 16:18

It's a sign of the times that someone would consider it little quaint of someone else to wonder why other people don't get married before having kids.

I got pg before DH and I married, and we bought our wedding forward by a good couple of years because I was pg. I'm also curious why long term partners, who are conventional in every other way, don't get married. Donesn't bother me, though; each to their own.

SparklyJules · 03/05/2010 16:20

We married when DD was 5 months. I'm sure that if we didn't bow to family pressure at the time of finding out we were pregnant we would still be unmarried. We'd been together 7 years when DD came along, so were pretty committed to each other already and certainly more so afterwards.

Neither of us are strong traditionalists, and I think we would have been happy carrying on the way we were, but I could also see that it would make both sets of parents very happy (relieved?!) if we married. So we did. It was a wonderful day, absolutely was, but sometimes I do look back on it and think it was a little bit... unnecessary.

The only real difference is that, apart from us all sharing the same surname, I can now get rid of gas/electric/broadband suppliers by putting on a vacant expression and saying "oh, I don't know, my husband deals with all that stuff..."