Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I out of order?

79 replies

Wanderingsheep · 02/05/2010 22:22

MIL and SIL have just been round. SIL is around 20 wks pregnant and we got onto talking about the birth, what hospital she will have the baby at etc.

DP jokingly said that she might want to go to the hospital that has the most choice of drugs. She said that she doesn't want an epidural as it's not a natural birth if she has one.

This comment really bugged me as I had an epidural myself and felt like she was judging my own choices so I said, "well thanks that makes me feel great about my own birth!" This upset her and she said, "it's my kid and i'll have it the way I want it!" I told her that I wasn't disputing that and that everyone has the right to their own choices but I just felt that she shouldn't have said the comment in front of me.

SIL and MIL have stormed out and DP says that I was out of order for saying what I said and I should just have bitten my tongue.

I feel awful but I just felt so angry with her for saying what she said. Was I being a bit over-sensitive?

I apologise if this has offended anyone who has had a difficult birth or had to have a cs. I was born by cs myself. Babies need to be born however they need to.

I think I just have a bit of anger pent up from when she said to me, "oh I want a girl" and then jokingly said, "if I have a boy I'm gonna swap it."

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 02/05/2010 22:25

Yeah, I think you were out of order.

She's having her first. She's clueless.

I'd have taken her comment as such.

ICouldHaveWrittenThis · 02/05/2010 22:25

YANBU, obviously. How old is your DC? Are you having trouble dealing with the birth or anything?

She probably didn't mean any harm.. doesn't mean it wasn't a stupid comment though.

Pre-DC I asked a friend if she was 'still breastfeeding'. Her DD was a year old. I wasn't judging in the slightest, I was just asking, but found out later that it was a really inappropriate thing to ask her.

VengefulKitty · 02/05/2010 22:26

I would probably have made the same comment, but then I am also frequently told that I am being over-sensitive and 'prickly'.

MmeLindt · 02/05/2010 22:27

Hmm, you were both tactless.

You could have said nothing, or said that in your opinion having an epidural is a natural birth, but of course it is her decision to make.

Phone her and apologise, tell her you should not have taken it as a criticism, you realise that she did not mean it like that.

MaryBS · 02/05/2010 22:28

Honestly? I think she was just responding to your partner's 'joke', she might not have thought it at all funny, especially given her choice of 'natural'. Plus she is full of pregnancy hormones. I would just try to make the peace if I were you. I don't think she meant to offend you, she probably wasn't even thinking that you had an epidural...

I presume this is her first child? She might be more sympathetic towards you when she has actually given birth and knows what it feels like!

mumbar · 02/05/2010 22:28

tbh I think you did overact a little because by your own admission its each persons choice and you chose epidural and she's choosing not too.

Be grateful you had a choice my DS was born abroad where no drugs are offered full stop. After2 days in labour I was given an epidural 18 mins before DS was born!!

And anyway she may change her mind once the labour starts but may be best not to mention that to her!!!

HellBent · 02/05/2010 22:28

Tough one, agree with expat, as she has no idea how much pain she will be in I'd say she is stupid to say she won't have one, but you are being over sensitive!

EvilTwins · 02/05/2010 22:29

YABU. It wasn't about you. She was talking about herself. I don't blame her for being upset - she's pregnant, hormonal, and clearly still in the idealistic stage.

I'm afraid I have no patience with people who think everything is about them. If everyone was like that, then no one would ever say anything in fear of offending someone.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you did post in AIBU.

bronze · 02/05/2010 22:29

Your dh told her she should do something, she said she didn't want to and why and that was her getting at you?

to be honest I think YABU

paisleyleaf · 02/05/2010 22:29

I'd probably have bitten my tongue at the time then said "can you believe she said that"? to DH afterwards.

Chandra · 02/05/2010 22:29

Well, I think it was insensitive of her to say that, but to be honest, most soon to be parents have a very idealised idea of parenting decisions.

Do you remember the "No child of mine will ever be allowed to behave like that?" Gosh... I have been made to swallow most of my words

HellBent · 02/05/2010 22:30

An it was your DP who brought it up so you should be mad at him!

HarderToKidnap · 02/05/2010 22:30

It ISN'T a "natural" (in the sense of physiological) birth if you have an epidural. That's a fact. However, you are reading into this a moral judgement - that physiological is somehow morally better than non-physiological. She didn't say that, YOU read it into her comment and took her relatively innocuous comment ("I want a natural birth and epidurals aren't natural") and twisted it into a moral judgement about you and your birth. Which of course it wasn't, it was someone who is pregnant expressing a personal preference on the type of birth they would like to have.

So YABU, and I would ring and apologise if it were me.

LynetteScavo · 02/05/2010 22:30

You're being over sensitive.

She says she doesn't want an epidural...doesn't mean she wont end up needing one. You may be having the last laugh.

I think saying she wanted a girl was meant as a compliment, wasn't it?

TheRealDemosthenes · 02/05/2010 22:31

YABU and you know it

mumbar · 02/05/2010 22:31

oh sorry forgot to metion I had a CS so didn't have a natural birth.

Chandra · 02/05/2010 22:32

Yeah, I also agree with that... he made it look as if you were more intersted in pain relief than you might have been.

MmeLindt · 02/05/2010 22:32

Just wait. She will come out with more comments like that. Just smile and nod, all the while thinking, "you have no earthly idea what lies ahead."

Original poster
Wanderingsheep · 02/05/2010 22:33

My DD is nearly 3. Always been fine about the birth. Was 65 hours of labour (well about 35 hours of established labour, with long latent stage).

OP posts:
NathanBarley · 02/05/2010 22:33

You were wrong to take her comment, apply it to yourself, find offence and then tell her that you were offended.

I would have said nothing and perhaps reminded her of it after her birth so you could have a chuckle over it together.

We have all been guilty of being naive and over idealistic before our own dc's were born.

NathanBarley · 02/05/2010 22:34

dcs not dc's (what have I become?!)

OrmRenewed · 02/05/2010 22:36

Yes you were being oversensitive.

Pozzled · 02/05/2010 22:39

Sorry but YABU. Only you know your SIL, but it sounds as though the comment about epidurals was in no way directed at you. She was focused on her own pregnancy, her own choices, I doubt it had even occured to her what birth choices you made. So maybe a little thoughtless on her part, but hardly a deliberate attack.

I think she sounds quite naive about the birth, assuming that things will go according to plan and it will all be simple, but she will find that out. Or she may be lucky and get the birth she wants. Either way, I don't think you should have taken offence.

Original poster
Wanderingsheep · 02/05/2010 22:40

Thanks everyone, for bringing me back to earth! I will apologise to her.

You're right, it isn't about me and to be fair to her she is young and on her own.

I actually can't believe I said something to her as it's not like me. I usually keep my mouth shut then seeth afterwards!

OP posts:
Portofino · 02/05/2010 22:41

YAB totally unreasonable! It is not down to you how she gives birth, and I'm sure shw wasn't thinking at all about you when she was thinking about this.