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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I out of order?

79 replies

Wanderingsheep · 02/05/2010 22:22

MIL and SIL have just been round. SIL is around 20 wks pregnant and we got onto talking about the birth, what hospital she will have the baby at etc.

DP jokingly said that she might want to go to the hospital that has the most choice of drugs. She said that she doesn't want an epidural as it's not a natural birth if she has one.

This comment really bugged me as I had an epidural myself and felt like she was judging my own choices so I said, "well thanks that makes me feel great about my own birth!" This upset her and she said, "it's my kid and i'll have it the way I want it!" I told her that I wasn't disputing that and that everyone has the right to their own choices but I just felt that she shouldn't have said the comment in front of me.

SIL and MIL have stormed out and DP says that I was out of order for saying what I said and I should just have bitten my tongue.

I feel awful but I just felt so angry with her for saying what she said. Was I being a bit over-sensitive?

I apologise if this has offended anyone who has had a difficult birth or had to have a cs. I was born by cs myself. Babies need to be born however they need to.

I think I just have a bit of anger pent up from when she said to me, "oh I want a girl" and then jokingly said, "if I have a boy I'm gonna swap it."

OP posts:
Original poster
Wanderingsheep · 03/05/2010 00:01

Yes, the next time I see her I will make sure that my foot is well and truly out of my mouth and engage my brain before I speak!

OP posts:
SparklyGothKat · 03/05/2010 00:03

I think YABU slightly. But understand what you mean, my nan, on finding out I had a CS for Ds1, said to my mum 'aww such a shame, she didn't give birth properly' My Ds1 was born (via sunroof) but still born.

I have had 3 VBACs since, though.

applesnpears · 03/05/2010 00:30

Just make a mental note to self: don't ever compare birth experiences!

I had great plans for mood lighting, took my own radio and ipod, wanted peace, TENS, and good massage from DP to get me through it.

Ended up having every PK going, only when I got my epidural did I get some blessed relief from the pain that had me being sick everywhere and unable to sit/lie/squat-anything!

And I had a friend ask me later - was i concerned about the risks about epidurals? Risk? I'd have signed up to a below waist amputation if they'd offered it.

And yes, I want to do it all again!

scottishmummy · 03/05/2010 00:46

yabu.you personalised sil situation.apologise and move on and stop winding her up

BritFish · 03/05/2010 01:35

i dont even know what your SIL said that was so long. surely saying a drug-free birth is natural is okay?
its not implying drugs make you an alien or anything...right? right?

and i've also asked people if they are 'still' breastfeeding their DC's, but not in a mean way, its just asking if they still are! its the way you say it and the meaning behind it, not the words!

oh and i yelled 'DRUGS!' very loudly at every nurse who walked in the room.
i couldnt give a damn how the baby came out, as long as it was out!

Tortington · 03/05/2010 01:41

lol at competative birthing.

i have no drugs rgo i am betterthan you

well good for you

tbh, im glad you had the balls to say something.

fuck em

JustAnotherManicMummy · 03/05/2010 01:43

What expat said.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 03/05/2010 01:46

Ahh see you've apologised. Well done - think you did the right thing.

Bet you 10p she changes her mind about the epidural in about ooooh 20 weeks

thumbwitch · 03/05/2010 01:49

well done for apologising - I think you were oversensitive and perhaps so was she, in response to being wound up by your DP.

Fault on both sides there but glad you were able to apologise.

MadamDeathstare · 03/05/2010 03:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scrab806ble · 03/05/2010 06:42

You did right thing to apologise op, and were bigger person. This too will pass!Babies come out however they come out, and we all learn this the hard way!

junglist1 · 03/05/2010 08:00

I would have said YANBU actually. She came round, insinuated your birth wasn't natural and made a scene when you spoke up? Er, no. She was insensitive then made you the bad guy

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 03/05/2010 08:16

Those of you who are all 'she's naive' 'bet she changes her mind' etc, this woman hasn't actually said 'Oh I won't need one, I think they're rubbish and for wimps', she's just said she doesn't want one.

TBH, people like that drove me up the wall when I was pregnant, with all the smug 'oh you just wait and see, you'll be screaming for the drugs like the rest of us' crap. Up the fucking wall. Don't expect me to respect that 'every birth is different' and then tell me what mine is going to be like, FFS.

OP, though, sounds like you and your SIL are all good, and hopefully her birth will go smoothly however it ends up and she will appreciate that your DP meant well.

LittleSilver · 03/05/2010 08:22

Well done OP. I did understand where you were coming from though; MiL makes all sorts of comments about my accepting pain relief with DD1 (synto cranked right up) because she thinks that all induction are the same (she had one lot of prostin {hmm)) It still makes me very touchy even today, five year later.

EricNorthmansmistress · 03/05/2010 08:35

YABU
I didn't want an epidural, I wanted a 'natural' birth, nothing to do with it being 'better' at all, but I wanted to spend most of the labour at home and be mobile throughout. My best mate had epis by choice because she prefers to hae less pain.

She asked me if I would have an epi, I said no, for the reasons above. They were my reasons, I don't think my choice is better than hers, morally, practically or in any other way. Preferring a natural birth is not a judgement on women who prefer a managed birth, or who have to have one. You were very over sensitive and not very kind to her.

CarmenSanDiego · 03/05/2010 08:53

Very good post, tortoise.

If you DO want a natural birth... actively planning to give birth without an epidural and focusing on strategies for coping without makes a big difference in whether you will end up having one or not.

If you plan a home birth, for example, it is very unlikely you will have an epidural (obviously you /might/ transfer for one but it is less likely.)

An epidurals like anything else - there are risks and benefits. I won't say there's 'nothing wrong' with an epidural as it does carry some not insignificant risks for mother and baby.

But it's a valid choice and as long as it is an informed choice, then why be defensive about it?

fernie3 · 03/05/2010 09:10

you did the right thing apologizing. I have never had an epidural and the thought of one scares me more than the birth itself! It doesnt sound like she thinks there is anything wrong with one just that she would rather not have one herself.

diddl · 03/05/2010 09:12

I also think YABU- she was talking about herself & her "idea" of what a natural birth means.

Or she could be like me-needle phobic.

The thought of an epidural terrified me more than anything else tbh.

Original poster
Wanderingsheep · 03/05/2010 09:22

I never said to her, "oh trust me, you WILL be screaming for the drugs!" As I know loads of people who have done without. But maybe other people have said things.

She said that she didn't want an epidural as she wanted to "feel" the pain and I stupidly took it to mean that she thought that my birth wasn't proper. I obviously have some underlying ishoos that I didn't realise I had.

I feel really silly now and a bit awkward as I always ask her how she is and blah blah. I couldn't care less how her baby gets here as long as it does.

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToGetFit · 03/05/2010 09:26

I doubt she had even remembered you had an epidural when she said it.

Original poster
Wanderingsheep · 03/05/2010 09:32

She did remember because we had talked about it, but anyhow it's fine IABU, should have kept my gob shut.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wanderingsheep · 03/05/2010 09:34

Well it's not fine, I have upset her, but ykwim!

OP posts:
mumbar · 03/05/2010 09:37

wanderingsheep glad all ok I'm sure it'll blow over quickly as you've apologised.

Just a note to say congrats on getting the drugs, I couldn't as weren't on offer ended up with emcs and epidural 18 mins before ds entered the world!!! Then had to lay flat for 24 hours. Not the best start to mummy life and I guess I still feel miffed bout it at times and so can understand why you reacted the way you did so put this one down down to be unintentionally unreasonable!!!

and yes if I ever have more I'll be asking for ALL the drugs!!!

thehillsarealive · 03/05/2010 09:49

haha this is her first... all you have to do is smile and nod, say nothing!

She is clueless, absolutely knows nothing. And while she is living in fluffy land you know it is gonna hurt like hell.

hoppershopper · 03/05/2010 11:58

My friend and I were both due at the same time - me with DD2 and her with her first.
I had epidural, gas and air with DS1 so was well aware of what was in store and said that i was more than happy for that a 2nd time and that i wasnt bothered as long as DD was ok.
I was met with her attitude of
"well, im not having anything, im doing it all on my own" type of attitude. All i could think was FFS you dont get a medal at the end if you dont have the drugs!.
Anyway, this snobbery continued all throughout her pregnancy and turns out she had everything, gas and air, pethadine and epidural. i had a 10lb baby with nothing.
Like i said, theres no prizes.
Your SIL will soon learn not to poo poo what shes never experienced.