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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I out of order?

79 replies

Wanderingsheep · 02/05/2010 22:22

MIL and SIL have just been round. SIL is around 20 wks pregnant and we got onto talking about the birth, what hospital she will have the baby at etc.

DP jokingly said that she might want to go to the hospital that has the most choice of drugs. She said that she doesn't want an epidural as it's not a natural birth if she has one.

This comment really bugged me as I had an epidural myself and felt like she was judging my own choices so I said, "well thanks that makes me feel great about my own birth!" This upset her and she said, "it's my kid and i'll have it the way I want it!" I told her that I wasn't disputing that and that everyone has the right to their own choices but I just felt that she shouldn't have said the comment in front of me.

SIL and MIL have stormed out and DP says that I was out of order for saying what I said and I should just have bitten my tongue.

I feel awful but I just felt so angry with her for saying what she said. Was I being a bit over-sensitive?

I apologise if this has offended anyone who has had a difficult birth or had to have a cs. I was born by cs myself. Babies need to be born however they need to.

I think I just have a bit of anger pent up from when she said to me, "oh I want a girl" and then jokingly said, "if I have a boy I'm gonna swap it."

OP posts:
MintHumbug · 02/05/2010 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GeekOfTheWeek · 02/05/2010 22:44

YABU

Why is an epidural such a big deal? It's a form of pain relief that we are fortunate enough to be able to have. Fair enough it can lead to more intervention etc. but it isn't the work of the devil as some like to make out.

CarmenSanDiego · 02/05/2010 22:45

YABU, I have to agree with EvilTwins. Firstly, she was talking about her own birth and what she wants. It wasn't about you.

And secondly, no, there's nothing natural about epidurals. Why is that considered an insult?

If she'd said, "Only wimps have epidurals" then you could take offence. But to say that an epidural is not natural is factual and inoffensive.

Minshu · 02/05/2010 22:51

I'd probably have said the same as your SIL in that position - about what I wanted for myself, without being judgemental about what you went through.

I ended up with an induction eventually requiring epidural and em CS, but I don't judge myself harshly on that. By that stage, the epidural was my best friend and it wouldn't have been offered in my first choice hospital.

Wouldn't we all want the kind of natural labour and birth that doesn't require intervention and strong drugs

galletti · 02/05/2010 22:54

Well done you for acknowledging you may have been a tad insensitive and that it is about her, not you. Remember it is her first, and a lot of us have this idea about natural births, no drugs etc. I remember drawing up this huge birth plan, on the recommendation of my our pre-natal midwife, which in retrospect was a load of tat. (do people still do birth plans? - this was ten yers ago). I was assuming I would have control over my own body (and child). Said no epidural/drugs, would rather tear than be cut, no intervention yada yada. Endured 36 hr labour, had epidural eventually (best thing ever) was cut and had forcep delivery, followed by surgery to remmove retained placenta. Gave complete control away to people who were doing their best to deliver healthy baby and look after me. I am sure you felt the same. You remember that your epidural was right for you and your baby at the time, and whatever she wants, and eventually will have will be right for her. Now go and chill!

RunawayWife · 02/05/2010 22:56

Your DP started it with his comment about the hospital with the most drugs!

Every birth is different, my lovely friend wanted a home birth and ended up being rushed to the hospital so no one can 100% say oh I am going to do so and so.

I filled in on my birth plan I would have all the pain killers they had and then some, as it turned out with both my children I did not have as much as an aspirin, no meds no gas and air nothing.

I think people get far to wrapped up in this whole I had a better birth thing, I don't know why. It is not a competition FFS and as long as you get a healthy baby at the end of it who really cares if you have pain meds, no pain meds, home birth, water birth, C section or what.
I think you and your SIL need to get over yourself

thinker · 02/05/2010 22:57

I had a really fast delivery with my son, it was traumatic and total agony, no time for my precious epidural. I felt really freaked out for a while afterwards. My SIL said how she didnt have an epidural or any pain relif and dint find it THAT bad. She was making out I was a wimp, but the births were totally different. She had hours for everything to stretch and get ready, mine shot out with one push for his head and one for his body, and i didnt even push voluntarily my body just kind of expelled him against my will, horrid. I was really upset by her remarks but as usual I said nothing. SIL are best left to think they are clever, just smile and nod and know you are right cos you will not win with em, Ive had 17 years of her thinking she knows everything, can`t change it, just learnt to keep my distance and not get upset by her xxx

SrStanislaus · 02/05/2010 23:03

I think this is the perfect time to remember Hanlons razor( dont blame me -its what its called )

Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity

BarbieLovesKen · 02/05/2010 23:05

Sorry - only read OP - I think you probably were a little unreasonable - I think you could put your point over a little better - rather than being snappy.

That said, I understand why you would feel she was putting you down, she was being insensitive. Suppose you were both unreasonable to a degree really.

Its also her first - let her be naive . This reminded me of the other night, when my youngest BIL's 21 year old girlfriend (childless) asked if I had pain relief with ds (13 weeks), I said no - absolutely nothing at all(not out of choice, btw). She asked did I have it with dd - I said yep, epidural - whole shabang. She then asked, if I have another what would I do and I said I would take heroin if it was offered!!!. She actually tutted and said "oh no, when I have children, I wont be having any of that stuff - I will be a having a completely natural experience, its better for both baby and you, you know?".... I smiled.

Poor pet.

Original poster
Wanderingsheep · 02/05/2010 23:06

I have texted her as it is late.

I really wished I'd kept my gob shut. I do know that it is her choice, just as it was mine. I just felt that she was hinting that I had failed in some way. I know that they don't give you a medal blah blah blah and I never felt bad about my epidural as you're right it's not a big deal, I still have my precious DD. [needs to man up emoticon]

OP posts:
NathanBarley · 02/05/2010 23:07

Very graceful stepdown OP! You're a real laydee

fragola · 02/05/2010 23:09

Epidurals aren't natural, but there's nothing wrong with not having a natural birth, so you shouldn't take it as a criticism of yourself.

I had a section and if I fell out with someone everytime I heard a disparaging section remark, I'd be constantly raging!

Hope you can sort it out with your sil x

Original poster
Wanderingsheep · 02/05/2010 23:12

I didn't say the comment in a snappy way, btw. It was just a sort of "oh well thanks for that." Hard to explain.

OP posts:
MintHumbug · 02/05/2010 23:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MmeLindt · 02/05/2010 23:17

Well done. That must have been hard to do, but an apology was the right thing.

If you have a chat with her, do tell her that some women (yourself included) do feel hurt at the implication that they did not try hard enough. That is why you overreacted to her comment.

BarbieLovesKen · 02/05/2010 23:20

If it was "oh well thanks for that" said in a kind of sad way, well then I think she was out of order..

Original poster
Wanderingsheep · 02/05/2010 23:20

I know I shouldn't say this but you're all
so great! Nothing like MN to put things into prospective. Thanks for the virtual kick up the arse!

OP posts:
NathanBarley · 02/05/2010 23:35

I have never seen such a nice outcome to an AIBU thread!

Original poster
Wanderingsheep · 02/05/2010 23:42

LOL, NathanBarley! I have been on MN long enough to know that when the MN jury say yabu then YA definately being U!

OP posts:
QS · 02/05/2010 23:46

IABU.

She is pregnant, and was talking about her birthchoices. Why should she know and remember what YOU had chosen? Are you a bit self obsessed?

CoinOperatedGirl · 02/05/2010 23:47

I really don't see why you would see her choice not to have an epidural as a slight against you. Her "choice" might go straight out of the window once full labour hits anyway. I think this whole "natural birth" malarkey is very anti-woman anyway. Who gives a shiny shite if you breathe your way through it, I asked for an epidural when the pain wasn't that unbearable, because I had an inkling that later it might be (turned out an emcs anyway).

It only occured to me to feel bad about these things once I had read the whole "I'm so fucking great I had an orgasm during birth" threads on the internet tbh. Epidural or not (or even cs or not) you still gave birth, it's a big thing, feel proud.

marriednotdead · 02/05/2010 23:48

Don't panic, it is fixable hopefully. As others have said, she probably wasn't referring to you personally. She may yet eat her own humble pie. I swore I'd never have an epidural- yeah right! Wouldn't have had 2nd dc if it wasn't an option- I'm -a- -wimp- not great with pain.

Original poster
Wanderingsheep · 02/05/2010 23:53

QS she knows I had an epidural because we have talked about it a few times. I'm not self obsessed, well not usually anyway, just oversensitive at that particular moment, I think.

OP posts:
Chandra · 02/05/2010 23:53

***
She has already agreed she was unreasonable and apologised for it

QS · 02/05/2010 23:55

Well, if she had made her comment while talking about YOUR birth, she would have been tactless, but as you were talking about HERS, the mistake was yours. But I see you have realized this already.