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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel that the school needs to help my DD instead of telling me that she may not make the grade?

78 replies

oldspice · 29/04/2010 09:56

My DD is 8 and goes to a highly selective girls school where she has recently suffered bullying.

The teachers initially thought it was her own fault but have now discovered that other girls do see her as a 'soft' target and take advantage. My DD is one of the youngest in the class but is able to hold her own academically but not emotionally. The teachers feel that she suffers from low self esteem and friendship issues and have mentioned that it has started affecting her schoolwork as she is preoccupied in thinking about how others perceive her.

At home and in clubs outside of school she is a happy soul who has no problems in fitting in and making friends. She doesn't seem to suffer with confidence issues outside of school and when I met an independent counsellor (on the school's recommendation) the counsellor felt that she only has confidence problems at school.

If this is the case, then shouldn't the school be finding ways of helping DD regain her confidence again instead of suggesting that she will struggle at 11+ if her work doesn't improve?

I'm really not sure how to help my DD as the Counsellor does not feel she needs regular sessions but that these issues need to be resolved at school during PSHE and Circle time.

Also, I have considerd removing her but wonder if I am then teaching her to 'run away' from problems.

All advice welcome!

OP posts:

posieparker · 29/04/2010 09:59

Sometimes children don't gel, especially in private schools where there are less 'friends' to choose from. I think removing her shows that you care enough about her happiness and will teach her, when she makes new friends and starts doing better elsewhere, that it is not her.

SirBoobAlot · 29/04/2010 10:03

Welcome to the truth of private schooling - only grades matter. I remember my Theatre Studies teacher telling me to "Get a grip and stop letting the class down". Because I wasn't capable of cartwheeling across the stage, as I had had a car accident three days previously and was in a neck support.

I hope things work out for your DD. You're not being unreasonable, that's what the should do. But generally? They won't.

MinnieMummy · 29/04/2010 10:08

I'm sorry but the school suggested it was her fault she is being bullied?? That's just crazy and I strongly suspect well against the government anti-bullying guidelines.

As someone who went to a private high-achieving school (albeit many years ago!) I would second the notion that it's all about the results and the happiness of the children is a distant second. It seems that this is the attitude the school is taking if they are not taking any measures to help her other than to effectively bully you into 'fixing' her (and, how??).

I'd personally take her out too. How would she feel about that?

YesYouMust · 29/04/2010 10:09

Any school that told me it was my 8 year olds daughters fault she was getting bullied would get short shift from me, how awful, i wouldn't think twice about removing her, what sort of message are you sending her by making her stay somewhere she is unhappy.

It doesn't look like the school give a crap.

diddl · 29/04/2010 10:11

"The teachers initially thought it was her own fault"???

Wouldn´t be leaving my daughter there any longer than necessary tbh.

And so what if she doesn´t pass the 11+?

mummytime · 29/04/2010 10:11

I have known girls move from highly competitive girls schools to others and blossom. Any school which does not take bullying seriously is not suitable for your DD.
Also my mother didn't listen when I told her about when I was being bullied. She didn't want me to run away. However, looking back I was very lucky not to come to serious physical harm (I was rescued by an older girl who was in care for her violent behaviour).
If your friend was working at an Investment Bank and being humiliated by her colleagues on a daily basis, would you not tell her to get a new job? If another friend was being attacked by her DP, wouldn't you tell her to chuck him out?
Running away can be the right thing to do. Just take a lot of care to know it is not out of the frying pan into the fire.
Good luck!

Alouiseg · 29/04/2010 10:12

The school is abdicating it's duty of pastoral care for your daughter by making it "her fault".

I had an issue when ds was in year 2 with an unpleasant teacher and to this day i regret not removing him from the school. Vote with your feet.

posieparker · 29/04/2010 10:12

Private schools expect you to like it or lump it...

posieparker · 29/04/2010 10:14

I would take her out and write to ofsted, the more I think about this....

Original poster

oldspice · 29/04/2010 10:20

I have asked DD if she wants to leave and she feels strongly that she hasn't done anything wrong so why does she have to leave.
I have explained to her that people don't always stay in jobs they don't like and that it is not a problem if she goes somewhere else.

DH feels that it is probably the same in all girls schools re catty behaviour and that maybe at 11yo she will old enough to make the right decision for herself in terms of what suits her.

The bullying has stopped and teachers are being much kinder to her but admit it won't be easy for her to shake off her reputation as a target.

I don't think it is fair to expect her self-esteem to come back overnight but do believe that over time she will regain her confidence in dealing with friends and therefore get back to achieving good results.

OP posts:

Skegness · 29/04/2010 10:21

Move her, move her, move her, oldspice. She sounds like a lovely little girl who is perfectly happy everywhere except this particular school. I don't think it's unreasonable to conclude that it is therefore highly likely to be the school who is at fault here. It clearly has major failings with particular implicationa for your daughter in quite fundamental areas such as basic happiness! Yet the staff won't change, refuse to help, try and blame it all on your daughter. Grrr. They are #@?!ers. Surely there are other, better choices in the local area?

Skegness · 29/04/2010 10:24

Sorry, x post. Sounds like you are keen to keep her at the school.

Original poster

oldspice · 29/04/2010 10:30

Sorry - should have mentioned that I have phoned a number of schools in the area (NW London) and my local state school does not have space and the preps won't take her at Year 5 beacuase they are preparing for 11+ entry and do not have time to start preparing a new girl at such a late stage. I have also looked at other private schools but am not convinced they are right for her.

OP posts:

mummytime · 29/04/2010 10:46

I'd put her on the waiting list for the State school (if you like it), as you won't be losing anything and a place could come up.

OrmRenewed · 29/04/2010 10:48

"but admit it won't be easy for her to shake off her reputation as a target. "

How can you have a reputation as a target? That is so wrong. A reputation as a bully or a troublemaker maybe, but not as a target Poor girl.

Original poster

oldspice · 29/04/2010 11:23

They said she had a bit of a reputation because when I dropped her to school from reception-year 2 she used to cry in the mornings.

I put her tears down to the fact that DD1 was upset because DD2 who'd just been born got to come back home with me.

In year 2 her teacher felt she was immature (she was only 6!)and sometimes said things without thinking.

Her current teacher feels she has done alot of growing up and needs to be able to 'read' people more accurately so that she doesn't ruffle feathers. Her teacher and school counsellor both suggested she had weekly counselling sessions but the independent counsellor does not think this is appropriate for a 'normal' 8yo child who has been treated unkindly by classmates and teachers and who is coping brilliantly under the circumstances.

Independant counsellor thinks its more important to let her grown up her own way and make decisions accordingly to develop her self confidence in her own abilities.

so confusing....

OP posts:

diddl · 29/04/2010 11:27

"a 'normal' 8yo child who has been treated unkindly by classmates and teachers"

That reads to me as if you think teachers have treated her unkindly-but you want her to stay there?

Miggsie · 29/04/2010 11:34

This is so sad.

My friend's boy is at a boys school and they have "social skills class" from reception onward for just this sort of thing.

My DD's state school has a social skills class.

Sounds like this school want a certain "type" of child and are not interested in anyone outside their "unwritten" criteria.

I rejected a private school when going round it as this school had that message loud and clear: if your child is within these parameters fine, if they are not, we do not care, and it's your problem.

Original poster

oldspice · 29/04/2010 12:09

Diddl - I guess I feel that now they are starting to listen to her things may change.
I know that sounds hopeful but my DD skips into school every morning now and is more smiley and seems to rise to the challenge with homework etc.

She isn't unhappy which indicates that things are improving.

What I'm unsure about though is whether the school is slyly trying to get rid of her at 11 by suggesting that her work needs to improve because I complained re bullying. I know she needs to build her self-esteem and learn to trust again but won't this be the same wherever I school her?

She already understands that she is not at fault and has said that she would like to see a number of schools at 11 to give her options.

In the meantime, I want her to see that she can get the results regardless of past events.

Maybe, I live in cloud cuckoo land....

OP posts:

diddl · 29/04/2010 12:37

Does she have to pass the 11+ to stay then?

Original poster

oldspice · 29/04/2010 12:47

Yes - they weed girls out regularly who do not make the grade.

You're probably wondering why I keep her there - it's because I know that she is well above average academically and I worry that she will be bored elsewhere and end up being unhappy as a result.

DD2 goes to a really lovely school with fab pastoral care and really thrives but DD1 doesn't want to go there because it is not fast paced enough.

I just want the school to do more to raise DD1s self esteem so that she can get better results again but wonder if I am asking too much

OP posts:

Kneazle · 29/04/2010 12:52

I am confused your dd is eight ?

Original poster

oldspice · 29/04/2010 12:57

Yes she's 8.

She started reception at 4yo and they let girls go at year 2, year 3 and year 4...

OP posts:

Kneazle · 29/04/2010 13:00

Wow that sounds very stressful. I have two dds that are very academic and one with SN. They are all nurtured in school i cannot imagine them being made to feel that they were victims etc. I think you should move her. It is a very long time until your dd has to take GCSEs and A levels. It is unlikely that she will not do well. It is a shame that they are putting so much pressure on them at that age.

Kneazle · 29/04/2010 13:02

BTW you are not asking too much, her self esteem should be their first priority. Go and give them hell.

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