to feel that the school needs to help my DD instead of telling me that she may not make the grade?

[oldspice]

My DD is 8 and goes to a highly selective girls school where she has recently suffered bullying.

The teachers initially thought it was her own fault but have now discovered that other girls do see her as a 'soft' target and take advantage. My DD is one of the youngest in the class but is able to hold her own academically but not emotionally. The teachers feel that she suffers from low self esteem and friendship issues and have mentioned that it has started affecting her schoolwork as she is preoccupied in thinking about how others perceive her.

At home and in clubs outside of school she is a happy soul who has no problems in fitting in and making friends. She doesn't seem to suffer with confidence issues outside of school and when I met an independent counsellor (on the school's recommendation) the counsellor felt that she only has confidence problems at school.

If this is the case, then shouldn't the school be finding ways of helping DD regain her confidence again instead of suggesting that she will struggle at 11+ if her work doesn't improve?

I'm really not sure how to help my DD as the Counsellor does not feel she needs regular sessions but that these issues need to be resolved at school during PSHE and Circle time.

Also, I have considerd removing her but wonder if I am then teaching her to 'run away' from problems.

All advice welcome!

your post worries me OP. she is 8, do you really think any of it matters?
its awful that she's being bullied, but a happy child learns better than an unhappy one, maybe she'd be better off at another school.

So if she doesn´t have confidence issues outside of school-then it´s the school that is the problem?

:-o I actually find this story quite shocking.
I am so sorry you and your dd are having such an awful time. This sounds a shit school ((sorry)) or - perhaps more kindly - absolutely the wrong place for your dd. Move her to somewhere that will treat your dd with a respect and kindness. It's not too much to ask.

The way I understand it she has been bullied enough to affect her grades-for want of a better way to put it.
The school did nothing until other parents noticed it-and then they didn´t do much & are still not doing much.

It sounds absolute rubbish tbh.

So she should be pulled down into mediocrity in some kind of low grade state primary with her life chances ruined, rather than the school continue to address the problem and her mother and father cheer her up?

OMG Xenia-that is hilarious.

This poor little girl seems to be an absolutely rubbish school-what could be worse than that?

Most DCs are average Xenia-that it what the word means. Selective education is for the top few %. The DD is clearly not suited to a highly selective school. Going to one that would suit her doesn't mean she is mediocre or pulled down. She may have many hidden talents. Being academically brilliant isn't the be all and end all! Maybe she is a late developer and she will shine later, maybe she has artistic talents or practical talents. Clearly the school isn't meeting her needs and yet the parents are paying for it as if selective=good. There can be lousy selective schools!

And if being at a school that at 8 thinks she won´t "make the grade" isn´t already being in mediocrity then I don´t know what is tbh.

Oh Xenia, are state schools that bad, I don't think so...........I'd take mediocre and happy over some unhappy hothoused privately educated 8 year old any day

But if you look at how children turn out frmo those very nice and very good selective top primaries over 20 or 30 years it is just about the best thing you can do for a child. If other 8 year olds are teasing her in class are we saying 8 year olds are nicer in other schools? Is that the poit - that non selective schools with thicker children have children not to clever as to be so cutting or that they are much better behaved in a staet school so she would be treated better? Clearly not. But moving classes to the parallel year or even her mother talking to her about how she can get on with these others girls would help. But I'd really like to know what they are saying - is it normal 8 year old stuff or some aweful campaign of bullying which must be stopped in its tracks.

It is only best for your DC if she is above average. Most DCs are average (even mumsnet ones!)If every DC had an IQ of 130 that would be the new average. A highly selective school is the worst thing you can do for a child who can't keep up-the best thing for a child who can keep up.

So state schools aren't nice'. I take it only nice people' come from public schools ......what a strange attitude to have.

We all want the best for our children, but surely more importantly we want our children to be happy, to want to learn and be educated in a friendly and encouraging environment? Not worrying about being `weeded out' at whatever age.

This isn't aboyt state vs public, it's about a young girl whgo is being bullied and has non supportive teaching staff - not what she maybe in 30 years time.

I think it is saying that any child who isn't in the top 5% of the population in terms of IQ is mediocre and not 'nice'! If they are the above and at a state school they are doubly 'not nice'!

seeker, I know that is the stereotype of rich kids, but as I said, there was hardly any bullying at my school - which sounds so like the OP, that I cant help wondering if its the same school!
the whole place was so focussed on oxbridge, they didnt even have a punishment system, and Im sure they would have been hopeless at tackling bullying.

School should have a bullying policy-it simply isn't good enough to say they would be hopeless at tackling it-they have a duty of care.

Can I just ask what happens to the poor weeds- the girls who are not able to stay at the weeding times? They were selected at four, hothoused, relieved of cash, then what?

I hate the system of weeding out. If they have had the child and the money since they were 4 yrs old they should have done the job and taught them!! I suppose you could say at 8yrs that the IQ wasn't high enough, but if they then weed them again at 11yrs they seem to have taken the money under false pretences.

But where do they go? (I am horrified!) If there is no room in the local state school,do they have to go to a 'lesser' private school? What does that do for self esteem?

Goodness, your child is really unhappy at this school, I wouldn't wait, I'd move her out of there now!

Ds went to a private school where we 'didn't fit', academically he is very advanced, he simply asked the head if he was going to learn about faiths other then the catholic church (the head's faith). I was told to send my son off to a strict boarding school with a firm male housemaster .

There's other schools, she needs somewhere that's nurturing so they can work towards repairing some of the damage that has already been done to her self esteem by her current school. Notice or not, I wouldn't leave my child there another minute.

"But if you look at how children turn out frmo those very nice and very good selective top primaries over 20 or 30 years it is just about the best thing you can do for a child."

That depends on how the actual child turns out. A friend of mine was so unhappy at his private school (one of the top in the country) that he became a drop-out and refused to have any kind of career because he did not want his father to think keeping him there had been the right thing. He was highly intelligent, but decided never to use his intelligence for anything because the way he saw it, it hadn't done him much good.

Can't imagine either of my dcs (both at state schools) taking that attitude away from their schooling.

Look at David Cameron,people, and be afraid.

He's the lesser of three evils though seeker.

I like David Cameron, he's intreguing (no idea how to spell that)

Your earlier posts read as though the school is trying to edge out you and your daughter (who sounds lovely) in such a way that they can boast that they "very rarely get rid of people", whilst at the same time get the wonderful results that keep parents queueing up.

Although from your later posts maybe things are getting sorted out and it was just a blip.

I'm a undecided voter and it's affecting even my mumsnetting

My goodness Oldspice what a school! Find a new school imo the teachers sound dreadful, immature, not able to read others,her fault she is being bullied, bloody hell she is only a child not and adult fgs! Money does not necessarily buy you quality.