To put 6-month-old DS2 into a nursery one day a week?

[angel1976]

I am so tired. I can't think anymore. Can't see the wood for the trees (or is it the trees for the wood..) anymore? AIBU to consider putting almost 6-month-old DS2 into nursery for one day a week?

I knew having two so close in age would be hard but gosh, DS2 is almost 6 months old and it doesn't seem to be getter easier. DS1 is 26 months old.

DS1 - Great personality and a real delight but hard work. Really active, curious and very smart. Talking really well already. Needs to go out and do stuff. Staying at home drives us both nuts. He already goes to nursery 3 days a week.

DS2 - Lovely, placid baby. But doesn't like drinking milk form day 1. Now being weaned and doesn't want to open his mouth to eat. Has had a persistent recurring cough. When it comes back, he just coughs all night (he sleeps through his coughing, I don't!). Thinks he has a touch of reflux, even now, he can bring up whole feeds of milk now and then. Bumping along on the 2 percentile line. I just feel like I can't stop worrying with him.

Both just came down with chicken pox. No help from family nearby, in-laws are nearby and it's all talk with them. DH literally had to beg them to come last week to take DS1 out for a couple of hours as DS2 looked like the plague during his bout of CP. My family is overseas.

DH - Very busy job. Leaves early and comes back usually after kids have gone to bed. Our relationship is suffering because I am tired and grumpy. We have gone out for dinner when our friend has babysat but that's not it.

I need 'ME' time. I just need to go out and be able to do something. Get my hair cut, buy some new clothes and have a think about my job and going back to work. Or go for a run. I just feel like I am so tired from being a mummy 24/7.

DS1 goes a really lovely nursery. His carers have been asking when DS2 is going to them. I trust them completely. DS2 would love the attention. DH knows I am feeling really stretched. I am thinking of putting DS2 into nursery for 1 day a week so I get a break. But I also know a lot of mothers don't get a break ever! So am I genuinely being unreasonable for even considering it? Can't think straight anymore... Thanks.

YADNBU.
with a 13 month gap between my two DCs, I completely understand how you're feeling right now....In fact, you could have written the post for me!
The first six months, I really don't know how I survived. My family are abroad aswell, no no help for me either.
It definatly does get easier though. I noticed month 6-7 was when it started, and then gradually after that, every week has been improving. I'm still exhausted, but the DCs are more settled into a routine which works.
I too am looking into putting them into nursery one morning a week, not just for the me time, but remember it will also help their development. I agree with poster who mentioned au-pair...I can't really afford it but will make cutbacks in other areas to make it work, because I know it will make for a much happier household all round.

remember, there IS light at the end of the tunnel (sometimes though it's very hard to see through the watery sleep-deprived eyes)

Take proper care of you so that you can then take proper care of DCs!

I agree pinkpanettone. It seems that poster considers the idea of 'me time' a bit selfish.

Had I been able to afford it, I would have put DC2 in childcare for a day a week at that stage. (And would have no doubt felt awfully guilty about it). Instead, I was responsible for him and his sister (in between her few hours of pre-school a week) all day every day and came extremely close to losing my marbles. I spent quite a lot of time shouting and crying and it was a pretty miserable time for all of us for a while there.

Had I had the opportunity for me time, I would have spent it sleeping, reading, taking a bath or sitting in a chair staring into space and it would have done me the world of good, no doubt. Which is why it is a bit disappointing to see that one poster seems to think it a bit of a frivolous idea; a luxury.

Does your husband feel guilty about being away for your children for all of those hours, or is he content in the knowledge that they are being cared for and loved?

Because if it's reasonable for him to think the latter, it's reasonable for you as well. You're not abandoning your child on the street, nursery is a caring safe environment.

Oh my dear. Put DS2 in nursery for one day a week and take some time for yourself. You NEED it and you DESERVE it. You will be a much better, less exhausted mum if you do this. Spend the day in bed, sleeping. Do NOT do laundry or tidying up or anything else. (Sadly) it will all still be there the next day.
Take care of yourself!!! You will honestly be the better for it.
xxJM

Angel1976 - would it be possible for your Mum/parents to come and stay for a week or two, just to let you get some sleep and have some time out?

As the coughing isn't waking your baby, would it be possible to move him a little bit further away from you so that it's not waking you up - but where you could still hear him if he cries?

If your parents can't help - then you need to do something. I'd probably do a different something (to putting him in nursery myself), but if you are happy with the nursery then do that. You need to do something x

Aside from the nursery dilemma, personally I would also concentrate on your baby's cough and reaction to milk, food etc.

I know what it is like when you can't see out a fog. However, I would look into seeing a homeopath, kinesiologist, or nutritionist (not dietician), someone along those lines, for your baby. It sounds like he definitely has some sort of allergy or something. Maybe at first just post on the allergy boards on MN.

If your baby starts to eat, feed and sleep better then that will have a positive affect on you all too.

In the meantime, I wish you well in this crazy game of motherhood. xx

Thank you all for your suggestions. Have read every one of them and will attempt to respond coherently. DS2's cough seems to be better. He was only coughing a few times last night and for short periods instead of the chronic cough he had (went on for an hour!) a few nights ago. I am hoping for a quiet night tonight. We can't move him further away as we are in a two-bedroom house and DS1 is already in the second room. We would like to move him in with his brother but not till his health is better.

My parents are a 12 hours flight away so it's not so easy for them to come and see us. They came last year for 2 weeks and we had a great time but they had to sleep in the living room so wasn't ideal. We are going to see them in August so we can't wait.

DH and I always hoped ILs would do more. DS1 loves them and we cannot understand their reluctance to see them more. MIL works PT and FIL owns his own business and can take days off here and there. We are not even asking a lot. So far, they have only take DS1 to stay with them twice since DS2's been born and babysat twice because I had hospital appointments. They live an hour away FGS! We discussed this the other day and DH and I have decided to stop hoping and just look for other (reliable) childcare instead.

As for DS2's health, thank you for the suggestion to see someone, I will definitely look into that. Like I said, I've asked several times for referral but GP kept turning me down. I've considered and crossed off a lot of possibilities for him - cycstic fibrosis, lactose-intolerance... A good friend of mine who used to be a pediatric nurse thinks he has (or had) bronchilitis but there's no meds for that really. But my GP won't even refer for him to test for that. It's very frustrating.

I've spoken to the nursery coordinator about getting DS2 a day and she seems fairly sure she can get me one day. Just having that possibility makes me feel better. I'm feeling more positive about everything. DH and I both think nursery has done DS1 a whole lot of good and we have no question about the quality of care DS1 gets from the nursery. Thank you all for your suggestions. I appreciate it.

YANBU. If you are feeling guilty, think of the things he will gain from nursery, rather than what he'll miss out on with you. Eg. playing with other children, different toys etc.

Hang about. The poster who wrote about 'having 30 years to myself before they were born' and others who have mentioned guilt seem to be implying that a baby has a bad time in childcare compared to with you (even though you may be knackered and grumpy(like me!) so it will cause you to feel 'guilt'.
Codswallop!
I think a little break from each other is a v g thing and is not 'unnatural'. Evolutionarily speaking, we never would have spent the amount of intense one on one time with our offspring that we are now expected to. There would have been grannies and aunties and cousins on hand to childmind and wetnurse and generally give us a break. And kids thrive on a bit of variety and get to do stuff at nursery/CM that they don't do at home. Spending looong, consecutive days in not-very-good childcare as a tiny baby is different, I agree, but spending a day or two a week in a great childcare place is going to be FUN for them (new activities, other kids to watch, kind carers to get to know and a return to your safe arms at the end of it) and GOOD for your sanity. That means you in turn will be more fun for them when they get home. Let's get real.

YANBU at all. Lucky Cranbury to not feel the need for some time to herself but most of us can't say the same when we are looking after small DC's without much support.

You must do what is necessary for your sanity. I was in a similar position and while I wasn't getting depressed, I was starting to resent DH's time to just be him (albeit working crazy hours, but YKWIM). I could have asked him to take kids one day on the weekend but that felt wrong - I want to spend that short time all together as a family when we can, not behave as if we are divorced and sharing kids out. So I did a similar thing, got a babysitter to take DD for the time DS was in nursery one day a week (9-2.30) - just for me to do anything I wanted/needed to. I regard it as my weekend and I am a much nicer mummy and wife for it .

I do think this is a selfish society although I am definitely not saying the poster is selfish herself. Knowing my kids they would prefer a depressed/tired/stress mum to a nanny/nursery any day when they are under 1 definitely.

In the past mothers did have more family help - but they had no dishwasher/washing machines/dryers/microwaves. We would have spent much more time doing chores round the house.

I think we are more lazy than in past generations, myself included. We are used to having leisure time to ourselves. In the past many women would have left the home from helping their own mother to look after their sibling , to marrying and having their own children to look after. "me" time is a marketing concept to sell you more products you don't need and also is due to the fact that most women do have time with the family responsibilites before they have children.

And we shouldn't forget that childcare is a business like all others - they want you to believe that leaving your children in nurseries is beneficial. They want nursery for babies to be the norm, they make more money.

I just want to represent another view.

My DS just had chickenpox too, and him not going to nursery reminded me how hard it is to get anything done!!
Agree a couple of mornings or afternoons might be better for him, than a whole day.
But if you are taking other DS for all day, i could see how that might be easier
good luck
x

Do it! If the nursery are asking already they're clearly very happy to take him off of your hands and may think that you deserve a break! You may even be able to come to an agreement with one of the staff to babysit once every few weeks to give you and DH a chance to reconnect, go to a movie or dinner or something

Fair enough cranbury and I do agree with many of the points you make.

And I see what you're saying about 'me' time as a marketing concept... Women in the past probably didn't have any 'me time' but their lives were much harder generally and they certainly didn't live as long as we do. I don't personally feel the need reject all that is modern in order to hark back to a past which was more tiring and difficult and more likely to make people ill. Progress has been made, not all for the good, of course but we have to live how we see fit in a confusing modern society. I am trying to keep a balance, personally, and I think a lot of us do.

What I cannot agree with is the idea that my children were better off with a depressed mum; I don't see how it has benefitted them or me at all. I would go so far as to say it may have cause long-term damage, since the early years are so important in terms of forming who we are.

FWIW, my personal preference is for a childminder over a nursery but other parents make the choices which suit them and who am I to argue?

Let go of the guilt. Some women are overstretched and exhausted, so you should be too? Will that make the overtired women feel better?

Cranbury- one thing houses were much dirtier, and so were clothes in the past.
Also families did rally around. And my not well off Grandfather paid a neighbour to "keep an eye" on his children when the stress was impacting on my Grandmother's mental health. Not something that I would even have known about except this woman taught my aunt to cook (my Grandmother was a notoriously bad cook).
Children also went out and played outside a lot more (something I did before I was 2).

To the OP do it, if only for the sleep. If you do go back to work it will help with the settling then.

Good luck!

yanbu

Yabu to ask us what we think. It´s your life, no need to justify your decisions to anyone!

Maybe it's a cultural thing too. Where I come from, the whole extended family pretty much lives in one another's pockets (ok, it can drive you literally insane too, which is part of the reason why I'm here! ) but it also means that someone will always look after your child, whether it's the grandparents babysitting, your cousin taking your child out with hers, all the kids playing with one another with the older ones having the responsibility of making the smaller ones are okay. It's true what they say about how it takes a village to raise a child.

It's not even really leisure time I want. I need to get my head sorted about if I want to go back to work. We want to sell our house and buy a new one and the state it is in, it won't ever happen as I can't even get my head around our finances clearly at the moment.

I did think that DS2 might be better off with a childminder but it means that my children will have two different childcare arrangements, which will add to the stress if I do go back to work. And we considered a CM for DS1, but decided against it as we found the nursery and felt that was better suited for DS1.

YANBU - what's good for mummy is good for baby.

Don't feel guilty at all. You could do half day for a couple of weeks and then build up to a full day.

re: the reflux - reflux can cause a cough. I have asthma, the meds I take for it (steroids) cause reflux, which if not controlled causes a night time cough. So I take gaviscon instead of a cough bottle. Just a wee thought.

As to the rest, no YANBU - although as a working mum, I would have thought you were, now I am a SAHM I am absolutely dying for a day off. Double standards? Me? [innocent]

oh gosh yes.if it makes you happier and rested.

YANBU. Any extra help you can afford - nursery, cleaner, whatever. Go for it.

I did go back to work when DS1 was 11 months old and work is so much easier compared to looking after my own child! At least I could have a hot cup of tea! I must be mad but I am thinking of being a SAHM for a few years before the kids go to school so I can enjoy them more. Actually, probably not a full-time SAHM (if there is such a thing! ). I probably will get a local job and earn just enough money to keep the DCs in childcare at least 1/2 days a week to keep my sanity! I do love my boys so much but it's just so relentless and exhausting. I had a quick liedown with DS2 this afternoon as he wouldn't settle for his nap and would only sleep on me but I feel like the sleep I had was sub-conscious and made me more tired instead. I am going mad, aren't I?

1day at nursery is no biggie.dont beat self up about it.whole day means you get more done than 2 half days

enjoy and dont take any jip about baby in nursery