To put 6-month-old DS2 into a nursery one day a week?

[angel1976]

I am so tired. I can't think anymore. Can't see the wood for the trees (or is it the trees for the wood..) anymore? AIBU to consider putting almost 6-month-old DS2 into nursery for one day a week?

I knew having two so close in age would be hard but gosh, DS2 is almost 6 months old and it doesn't seem to be getter easier. DS1 is 26 months old.

DS1 - Great personality and a real delight but hard work. Really active, curious and very smart. Talking really well already. Needs to go out and do stuff. Staying at home drives us both nuts. He already goes to nursery 3 days a week.

DS2 - Lovely, placid baby. But doesn't like drinking milk form day 1. Now being weaned and doesn't want to open his mouth to eat. Has had a persistent recurring cough. When it comes back, he just coughs all night (he sleeps through his coughing, I don't!). Thinks he has a touch of reflux, even now, he can bring up whole feeds of milk now and then. Bumping along on the 2 percentile line. I just feel like I can't stop worrying with him.

Both just came down with chicken pox. No help from family nearby, in-laws are nearby and it's all talk with them. DH literally had to beg them to come last week to take DS1 out for a couple of hours as DS2 looked like the plague during his bout of CP. My family is overseas.

DH - Very busy job. Leaves early and comes back usually after kids have gone to bed. Our relationship is suffering because I am tired and grumpy. We have gone out for dinner when our friend has babysat but that's not it.

I need 'ME' time. I just need to go out and be able to do something. Get my hair cut, buy some new clothes and have a think about my job and going back to work. Or go for a run. I just feel like I am so tired from being a mummy 24/7.

DS1 goes a really lovely nursery. His carers have been asking when DS2 is going to them. I trust them completely. DS2 would love the attention. DH knows I am feeling really stretched. I am thinking of putting DS2 into nursery for 1 day a week so I get a break. But I also know a lot of mothers don't get a break ever! So am I genuinely being unreasonable for even considering it? Can't think straight anymore... Thanks.

YANBU but I agree with YesYouMust that 2 or 3 mornings is better. You will both get a lot out of it, I'm sure & you shouldn't feel guilty. I was in a similar position to you when my dd was little & she went to a great nursery 2 mornings a week for 3 hours at a time. It did us both good!

YANBU.

I did this with DS1 who was a tricksy baby and DH away a lot with work, no family nearby etc etc.

I could feel myself getting lower and lower and so nursery one day a week was the answer.

Only did it for 6 months in the end as it suddenly all got a lot easier.

I do still feel some guilt over it but rationally know if I hadn't done that - I would have ended up very very depressed.

angel, I have a 16mth age gap between my two boys and I thought I was going insane for the first six months . It is getting easier, but if I could afford to put DS2 into his brother's nursery for a day a week I would do it like a shot.

Hope it gives you the headspace you need .

Sorry but I wouldn't do it. I've been there very recently, no family of my own that will help, DH's family you have to beg ILs. I could easily afford childcare but I chose not to do it. I would like "me" time, but I did have that for over 30 years before they arrived and once both at pre-school/school I will have it again. Its such a short period of time to give up.

Can't your DH give you time off at the weekend, take days off work to give you a whole day off.

Its very easy to justify that everybody will be better off if you have time off - not convinced the kids will.

Totally agree that you should go ahead and do it - it sounds like you really need the break

I was in a very similar position to you - there were 28 months gap between my 2 boys, DH is away 2 nights a week and I have no family around to help. DS1 carried on going to nursery his usual 4 days a week when DS2 was born which absolutely saved my sanity. DS2 started going 1 day a week from about 8 months - even though I wasn't going back to work for another 3 months. I absolutely loved being at home with him but I really looked forward to Tuesdays when I could go to the gym, potter round the shops at my own pace and most of the time, have an afternoon nap if I felt like it

If you are planning on going back to work, then I cannot see any harm in starting him 1 day a week....and enjoy the time and do not feel remotely guilty about it

I think babybarrister has a good point - me and DH get no time to ourselves unless the boys are in nursery - so we definitely use them as paid babysitters rather than the informal unpaid family arrangements that a lot of people have.

Me and DH have not had an evening out since DS1 was born nearly 4 years ago as no babysitters - we only manage the odd day out here and there when the boys are in nursery!!

yanbu. Call the nusery tomorrow.

He will have a whale of a time if his big brother is there too .

sort out the nursery asap!! I was in a similar situation with ds, but struggled on until he was 14 months - the nursery told me that it's often harder to settle them once they are over a year. If you are going back to work in a few months, I would just think of it as getting him settled in while you are still at home and it might make the return to work a little easier. I would agree with the poster who said 2-3 mornings might make it easier to settle in. I put ds in 2 mornings a week and for a good while I went home and slept! Later I got some me time, sorted out the house and sorted out my husbands accounts. You will feel so much better when you do it and guilt is just pointless (although easily said). Good Luck, and enjoy some space for you. By the way Ds was exclusively bf until 6 months, and then bf together with solids until 11 months - he still got chicken pox at 9 months (& I've never had it so didn't know what it was until my lovely, calm doctor told me)

Hey, i think you should go for it. As others have said, you can always take him out.

Btw f-fed dd hardly ever ill. Ds got chicken pox aged 7 mths. Bronchiolitis twice. And he was breastfed til 14mths. Exclusively til 6 mths (and no formula at all). So don't beat yourself up about it - just the luck of the draw!

(Oh, and it gets easier. But still just as relentless. So take every break you can)

YANBU, imagine having the best job in the world and then imagine doing it seven days a week, would you still love that ideal job when they phone you up at 1am & 5 am and again the next night?

I have no family near and a DP who did n't realise how important a change from my ideal job was, so on weekends I still had the responsibility.

I went for two mornings a week & it kept me sane. I became a much better parent the rest of the time. The first few weeks I just wandered round the house marvelling at how empty my brain was without the constant background hum of small child responsibility. Later I got my hair cut, saw the dentist, took the dog for a walk at a fast pace, drank a whole cup of coffee whilst reading the paper... small stuff that if you have friends or relatives around you possibly take for granted.

definitely do it, no question.
but no feeling guilty otherwise you'll ruin your time off.
book that haircut!
Feel good about the decision you've made - it's the right one imho

I'm so pleased to see sensible responses to this question. YADNBU. We've already decided we'll be far less precious about DC2 as nursery has done DS nothing but good. He started one day a week at a similar age. Don't feel guilty, do what's right for you.

Definitely send him to nursery. Your obviously at your wits end and need a break. It will help both you, your kids and your husband.

I totally know where you are coming from! Both my kiddies struggled to drink milk and never seemed to want it. I spent sooo long each day trying to get each feed into them. On a few occasions the bottle was threw across the room!

The strain of that on top of all the other niggles that come with little kiddies can put so much pressure on you. I had loads of help from my family and husband and dont know how I could have got through it otherwise. My little girl is 8months now and her feeding has gotten much easier. So hopefully your son's will too.

I've just put my DC2 who is a similar age in childcare on one day a week and it's BRILLIANT!

DD (age 3) goes for two short days a week (9.30am-3pm) and DS now goes for 4 hours on one of those days.

He's 9 m o and it feels soooo liberating to have a few hours to do housework (how sad am i?!) or sleep or go out and run or fanny about on the internet. Highly recommend it. Do it. YANBU. We all need a few moments to do things at our own pace and do what WE want for a little while.

YANBU - DS started nursery at 3 months (2 half days per week) and loves it. Just waiting til DD is 3 months and she'll be joining him.

Go for it! If you can do it! Mine go when I go to work.

They say if start at 6 months they find it easier to settle in as well!

Make full use of ur 'me' time.

Thank you all. Other than one vote of disapproval (which I can see the point!), I am feeling not-so-bad about wanting to put DS2 in the nursery. I put the boys to bed tonight, DH comes home and I literally rushed off to buy groceries, put petrol in the car, bought dinner and just got back on the computer and it's 10pm. Dh does help on the weekends but I still feel I can never relax. Someone always needs my attention.

Tras I am glad someone understands the milk feeding difficulty. I feel that I spend all day trying to get DS2 to drink milk. He barely had any dinner tonight (it was homecooked pear, plum, apple puree with vanilla and baby rice) and I just want to cry. Then it came to his bottle and he wasn't having any of it. I literally had to force it in his mouth. Then DS1 starts to play up because all my attention is on DS2.

I know this is all doing my head in as I have started fantasising going back to my home country where my parents will drop everything to have the grandchildren for a few hours but I know it's not so easy. Besides. our lives are here.

I really wouldn't consider this if the nursery wasn't so brilliant but they do always make a fuss out of DS2 when we go pick up his big brother and I think he will enjoy the attention. At the moment, he is just stuck at home with a mother who is so tired but still running around like a mad person trying to get everything done. Thank you all. I will make enquiries tomorrow and hope they are able to take DS2 for a day. If he showed any signs of distress, I would take him out no question. I just feel at the moment that I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and it is ruining everything. I read back my post and it sounded so pathetic... I have two beautiful healthy boys, I really shouldn't complain! Thanks all for being understanding.

YANBU - I had a childminder to care for my DS2 (age 8 months), half a day a week, while DS1 was at playgroup. This went on until he was around 2. Simply put, it saved my sanity, and he was very loved there, and loved it because he was always a sociable chap. I was a SAHM, and DH was around at the weekends, but I still needed it.

Try it.

BTW - re the cough, have you tried a humidifier? The cool air ones did a great job for my DS's cough when he was keeping ME awake with it all night!

JFDI - reclaim some time for yourself!

Even if it is just sitting down and reading a magazine for an afternoon with a cuppa and a cake.

It sounds like you are doing really well with 2 that are close in age.

YANBU. A good mum is a happy mum - you need a rest. Hope you get a good night's sleep tonight.

Of course you are not being unreasonable ! Maybe 2 or 3 mornings though would give you a better break though ?
You need a rest and to stop being so hard on yourself.

YADNBU. And you also sound very normal, despite what you might think. It's bloody exhausting, it really is and if you are going back to work in a few months' time, you'll have fewer opportunities then for any time for yourself so make the most of this opportunity.

I TOTALLY understand the guilt. I have felt guilty so many times re. my children and childcare, especially DC2. But you need to look after yourself and your sanity and I recognise only too well the sound of complete and utter exhaustion and shell-shock emanating from your posts.

Reclaiming just a tiny bit of time for yourself can give you a new lease of life and if you can afford it, what's not to like. Don't even consider what other mums do or don't do or what they can or can't cope with. They're irrelevant; you're exhausted. Look after yourself.

I think the poster who wrote 'I would like "me" time, but I did have that for over 30 years before they arrived and once both at pre-school/school I will have it again. Its such a short period of time to give up' is in a very different place from you.

I was one of those women who struggled on without any family help and had a year of DC1 at home aged 2 when his brother was born. I wanted to do it all myself and was too proud about showing myself I could manage and too worried about a nursery. In hindsight, I did my children a diservice and I should have accepted help. You will be a better mother if you are more relaxed - so your children will benefit from it massively. I think I would do two mornings rather than one full day though (though I know realistically by the time you get back from nursery it would be time to go again). Or, how about getting someone to come to your house to look after him?