Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take offence at endless comments about my size?

81 replies

LionsAreScary · 26/04/2010 13:57

My first AIBU, so I?m a bit nervous, but here goes:

I am 31 weeks pregnant and am totally fed up with other people telling me how huge I am. This happens 2 or 3 times every day now as I go about my business, coming from any of the many people I interact with, from school mums to shop assistants, even sometimes from friends and family. My self-esteem is pretty low at the moment and I just don?t need to be reminded constantly about my size.

I am on the tall side, normally neither skinny nor overweight (not pregnant my BMI was 24). I have put on about 1 ¾ stone so far and luckily that is almost all bump (well maybe a bit of extra buttressing about my thighs). After the event, I always think of some witty or cutting response to the comments, but at the time words fail me. I don?t want to be rude as I am friendly with many of the people who comment ? e.g. DS2?s nursery manager, who said ?Gosh your bump is getting really big now, isn?t it??, and a school Mum who said, ?X and I were the other side of the playground and were just saying how huge you?re looking? (this whilst stroking my bump!)

DH says I?m oversensitive, that these people don?t mean to offend, and I just have to brush it off. My Dad says IANBU and that people are just inconsiderate and like to boost their own self-esteem by making others feel bad.

I am getting so sick of it I don?t want to leave the house. I am normally sociable but starting to avoid people for fear they?ll comment. I dislike talking about pregnancy generally, but it is the size thing that really upsets me.

I don?t understand why it is considered rude to comment on someone who has spots / has put on weight, and yet pregnant women are supposed to not mind? How am I supposed to not care about being insulted?

So AIBU like DH says?

OP posts:
posieparker · 26/04/2010 13:59

People aren't trying to make you feel bad, if you tummy was fat and not baby noone would say a word. People just like to speak, say something, say anything.

YANBU, but rather YABOS (over sensitive)

EricPicklesFatNeck · 26/04/2010 13:59

it is just stuff people say. try not to take it personally.

congrats and good luck with everything

justallovertheplace · 26/04/2010 14:00

yanbu. I am the other side of the fence I put on a shedload of weight when pg with my ds (I'm talking like 5 stone ) and have only recently, but fairly swiftly, lost it. I am fed up with comments too. One mum at school this morning actually asked if I was eating. To which I merely replied

SethStarkaddersMum · 26/04/2010 14:00

because unlike saying someone has spots, saying your bump is big is not meant to be negative.
Your bump is meant to be big because you're pregnant. It's another way of saying 'glad to see the pregnancy is going as it's supposed to', not 'you fat cow!'
You're being oversensitive.

singsinthebath · 26/04/2010 14:01

YAB abit U. They're not trying to insult you - they are merely trying to engage you in conversation. They are commenting on the fact that your baby seems to be growing nicely and trying to share your joy. They don't know that it's happening several times a day.

I've qualified the YABU with a "a bit" because I'm scared of you in your hormonal state.

SethStarkaddersMum · 26/04/2010 14:01

(I like YABOS Posie - great new abbreviation!)

foureleven · 26/04/2010 14:02

People just dont get how annoying this is so I do think youre being unreasonable to blame them... but not for being annoyed!

I had this all the way through my pregnancy - comments like 'ooh you'll never get to the full 9 months.. she'll be coming out much earlier judging by the size of you!'

Yes thats right thank you, not only do I now feel like a whale but I am now worried about the possibility of a premature baby, thanks. Oh and of course the midwife who has scanned me and tested me and predicted a due date is obviously far less wise and qualified than you....

I hope all goes well, try to ignore it. Theres no 'normal' when it comes to size of bump.

posieparker · 26/04/2010 14:03

thanks

theQuibbler · 26/04/2010 14:03

I am sorry that you are upset by the comments, but I can?t see how someone saying that you have a big bump is an ?insult?.

It?s just people making conversation ? so what if you do have a big bump? There?s nowt to be ashamed of ? you having a baby

I think you?re being a bit unreasonable, but pregnancy hormones will do that!

Try not to get so worked up about something so innocuous ? there?s no need.

Hassled · 26/04/2010 14:03

I think comments on bump-sizes are just people clumsily expressing awe at what nature does/what women go through. It's not personal, it happens to most pregnant women, you can't avoid people over it. There's no malice there - it's interest in you and your baby.

mumblechum · 26/04/2010 14:03

YABOS. Agree that it's people commenting on how well the pregnancy is progressing and in no way is it insulting.

SeasideLil · 26/04/2010 14:04

When someone says 'gosh, your bump is huge' they are not saying 'you are huge'. They are just trying to make conversation with you in a normal way about the fact that you are pregnant. For social creatures, we seem to be becoming more anti-social by the second! Sorry you have low self-esteem, but think it is normal to have conversations about bumps...

Mouseface · 26/04/2010 14:05

Don't let it get to you.

You get told - "God, you're huge" or similar

Your reply should be "yes I am, I'm carrying a baby hippo!"

And laugh it off. I don't think it's meant as hurtful comments, although the are driving you mad!!

brimfull · 26/04/2010 14:06

YABOS
they are commenting on how healthy the bump is-relax and enjoy

you would be paranoid about thebaby if they were saying that you were tiny

brogan2 · 26/04/2010 14:08

I agree with Seth, saying your bump is big is not a negative thing so why would you take it as such? It's nothing like saying you are fat or commenting on your weight; you're pregnant, therefore you aare supposed to have a big bump.

In fact, I'd go as far as saying it's almost a compliment. Sort of saying how well you are looking and how well your pregnancy seems to be progressing.

So I'd say YABU but only because you're pregnant so Posie's YABOS fits well here. We should use that abb more often!

posieparker · 26/04/2010 14:10

[whispers] is it wrong to be very pleased with myself?

ChoChoSan · 26/04/2010 14:14

I think people are well intentioned, and are really just showing interest...it would be worse to be ignored when you are drawing near to a momentous moment in life.

I know it's completely biased for me to say this, but I've been trying to get pregnant for years, and after all the misery I'd be delighted to be on the receiving end of that sort of attention, so it makes me a bit sad when people complain about what others say about their pregnancies and their babies...people are just trying to be polite, and it would really upset me if someone jumped down my throat for passing comment!

...although I don't include some of the breathtakingly insensitive things that I sometimes hear about on MN

HumanAtLeast · 26/04/2010 14:19

"Gosh your bump is getting really big".

It's probably a statement of fact. And not a comment on you but on the growth of your baby. People are trying to rejoice with you.

But if you're feeling very down about it and anxious anyway, you might want to talk to your midwife. Antenatal depression is very real and you don't have to put up with it.

Original poster
LionsAreScary · 26/04/2010 14:22

Thanks for many responses so quickly! They have caused me to chuckle even if IABOS (homage to Posie!).

But really... 'They are commenting on the fact that your baby seems to be growing nicely and trying to share your joy.' What joy? I feel like shit! I hate the way I look with a bump. I accept that people will notice, I just don't want to talk to them about it.

ggirl - yes, I have two friends who were constantly told they were tiny - and that annoyed them too. They also wished people would say nothing or just talk about the weather instead. Lovely sunshine we're having, today...

and thanks justallovertheplace, for your sympathy. I wish there were a verbal equivalent of !

OP posts:
SloanyPony · 26/04/2010 14:29

Yes, I dont really know why its acceptable to do this, but it does actually appear to be acceptable in day to day life to make fun of a heavily pregnant woman and use various phrases like "fit to pop" and "beached whale" etc simply because its normal to get pretty big towards the end regardless of how fat/thin/medium you are.

Generally it should't offend you and if it does, try and laugh it off but to be fair it is a bit cumulative - if you heard it once a week you'd probably think nothing of it. Hearing anything 3 times a day, whether its about your size or say about your hair colour, does make you wonder if its YOU and that makes you self concious and snippy.

Its not you. But YANBU

Original poster
LionsAreScary · 26/04/2010 14:30

Human, "It's probably a statement of fact." Yes, a fact I am all too aware of. But I still feel like I want to cry every time I hear it.
I was very sad in previous pregnancies too. I just lived through the sadness and thankfully it went away at the birth. You imply that something can help me feeling this way - what do you mean? I didn't know there was anything.

ChoChoSan, sorry to hear about your trying, good luck to you.

OP posts:
Original poster
LionsAreScary · 26/04/2010 14:36

Thanks SloanyPony... you have understood exactly what bothers me (and I have heard "fit to pop" already, as well as "you'll never make it until June!"). Just once in a while I'd brush it off, but these comments are coming so thick and fast it gets me down.

Anyway, I dared to ask on AIBU and I think there's a general consensus in the coining of Posie's new acronym.

OP posts:
EveWasFramed · 26/04/2010 14:49

Lions...I felt EXACTLY the same way you did when I was pregnant. I have to say that I do disagree with many of the posters...even though I do realise that people aren't saying that you're fat, there still is no call to tell anyone how huge they are. Why is it okay to tell a pregnant woman something that you wouldn't say to a non pregnant woman? Sorry...it may be well intentioned, but it is rude.

Congrats, Lions...I hope you are feeling well and looking forward to meeting your baby.

BessieBoots · 26/04/2010 14:52

I had this throughout my pregnancy. I was never offended.

Shaz10 · 26/04/2010 14:54

posieparker YANBU! I can see me saying that in real life, "Oh, yabos!"

Swipe left for the next trending thread