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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take offence at endless comments about my size?

81 replies

LionsAreScary · 26/04/2010 13:57

My first AIBU, so I?m a bit nervous, but here goes:

I am 31 weeks pregnant and am totally fed up with other people telling me how huge I am. This happens 2 or 3 times every day now as I go about my business, coming from any of the many people I interact with, from school mums to shop assistants, even sometimes from friends and family. My self-esteem is pretty low at the moment and I just don?t need to be reminded constantly about my size.

I am on the tall side, normally neither skinny nor overweight (not pregnant my BMI was 24). I have put on about 1 ¾ stone so far and luckily that is almost all bump (well maybe a bit of extra buttressing about my thighs). After the event, I always think of some witty or cutting response to the comments, but at the time words fail me. I don?t want to be rude as I am friendly with many of the people who comment ? e.g. DS2?s nursery manager, who said ?Gosh your bump is getting really big now, isn?t it??, and a school Mum who said, ?X and I were the other side of the playground and were just saying how huge you?re looking? (this whilst stroking my bump!)

DH says I?m oversensitive, that these people don?t mean to offend, and I just have to brush it off. My Dad says IANBU and that people are just inconsiderate and like to boost their own self-esteem by making others feel bad.

I am getting so sick of it I don?t want to leave the house. I am normally sociable but starting to avoid people for fear they?ll comment. I dislike talking about pregnancy generally, but it is the size thing that really upsets me.

I don?t understand why it is considered rude to comment on someone who has spots / has put on weight, and yet pregnant women are supposed to not mind? How am I supposed to not care about being insulted?

So AIBU like DH says?

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 26/04/2010 15:01

YANBU, i dont know why people feel the need to say such things to pg women, some people are just insensitive bastards

i remember i woman who i worked with, screaming across the office when i was pg with ds2 'OH MY GOD YOU ARE HUGE!' wtf? why? why do you feel the need to say that

My hormones were raging so i could have easily chewed her head off and spat out her brains, even a male collgue said he was surprised i didnt smack her one

alle01 · 26/04/2010 15:03

i am 39 weeks now and i know exactly how you feel, kinda, they told me i didn't look pregnant until week 34, it annoyed me sooooooooo much,people don't think before speaking and they may not not mean badly but think about it, why would you say something like that?, do you mean i just look fat, a size 26 at least, or you mean i am shapeless? same for the ladies that get the you're huge? why? is it wrong? if you mean the pregnancy looks healthy, say so, or just ask: everything going ok?, how is baby?, how would you like me comenting in how sort you are? there's nothing wrong with that. being pregnant is not a licence to get insulted, you feel uncomfortable and awkward enough without anybody's help,
it's like people suddenly need to tell you all the horror stories they ever heard about, can get you so worried...

motherbeyond · 26/04/2010 15:31

yabu,and a bit over-sensitive. im due any day and also get these endless comments.people are not being rude..you probably DO have a huge bump.I do too!they are not saying you are fat.

it is a natural state,and it's just what people say.

my friend is in the opposite situation.her bump is tiny and there are worries about the size of the baby she would,i'm sure, love people to say "wow,look at your big bump,you must be growing a big healthy baby in there!"

people don't usually realise she's pregnant,and she hates it.

i'm not into strangers touching your bump though.a man walking his dog did it to me once,i was

homebirthmummy4 · 26/04/2010 15:39

i am 37 weeks pregnant and beyond fed up at people feeling they have the right to comment on my body. 'is it twins?' 'no definately not'.. 'are you sure there could be one hiding' i even got 'you dont mind us having a laugh at your expense do you?' i just smiled, went home and cried. women should be more blo0dy sensitive to each other. i have suffered many many months of morning sickness, heartburn, stretching belly and hefty kicks from my baby. i dont know nor do i want to know the sex until it is born and i dont wish to have a conversation about my choice of names which no doubt will be criticised. yes i know i am being very over sensitive but at this stage in pregnancy why oh why when people are 'rude' to me am i not 'insensitive' enough to make it clear to them that their 'well intentioned but thoughtless' comments are downright upsetting. first ever post. rant done. sorry and thank you for reading

starshaker · 26/04/2010 15:46

I get comments like that already. Although my fav comment so far is "are you sure there is only 1 in there" to which i reply. "nope pretty sure there are 2. Im only 22 weeks and i look full term. Its just the way people are and i dont let it bother me. Im just pleased people know im preg and havent just eaten too many pies.

somebodysfool · 26/04/2010 15:50

I had the opposite I had a tiny bump and was even sent for extra scans because of it a couple of times by the GP to make sure I wasn't small for date. I am sure they thought I wasn't eating properly, I was and always have but put on only 5 or 6lbs through both pregnancies so actually lost weight in effect. My babies were 7lb and 7lb 3 so not massive but not tiny. I had quite bad heartburn with both so ate little but often not sure if this speeded up my metabolism. I remember being extremely embarrassed at my post natal lessons because of the difference in size to everyone else. My mum also carried small so guess it was genetic.

alle01 · 26/04/2010 15:55

i started a long time ago telling them that it actually bothers me, try something like: i don't want to be rude, and i know it never ocurred to you, but heavily pregnant women feel like a whale when they look in the mirror, also i feel like i just had a car crash that isn't gonna end for the next three months, so if you don't mind, try not to tell me things that upset me. they all started to say things like how you coping, or how is baby, or you're doing great, looking fantastic, ....

hazeyjane · 26/04/2010 16:08

I am 29 weeks pg with dc3, and have been having comments every day for weeks. It didn't bother me when people commented with dd1 and 2, but people used to say it in a different way, and not quite so frequently!

I have had random strangers, gasping and saying, 'but you are enormous', when they ask when I am due. Someone I was talking to the other day, asked how overdue I was! I think it bothers me more this time round, because I am feeling huge, and uncomfortable with varicose veins, and am basically knackered and cranky, so to have people gasping at my whale-like state, just makes me feel a bit more crappy.

Bigpants1 · 26/04/2010 16:14

Hi. I think its a lot to do with your hormones raging, but its a shame you feel "sad" during your pregnancy. Ilike to see pregnant women, and have enjoyed my pregnancies-a little bit to do with feeling "special" for a while, but also cos when you think about it, pregnancy is pretty amazing-a new life inside you.
Now, the night feeds and broken sleep-thats when I feel sad!
Good Luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

SuSylvester · 26/04/2010 16:15

i think as when someone is pg its like the elephant in the room if you dont mention it

Galena · 26/04/2010 16:20

I wish I'd had this. I had DD at 27 weeks - and was large to start with. Most people didn't know I was pregnant. Enjoy it - I wish I could have.

MunchkinsMumof2 · 26/04/2010 16:23

I felt the same as you and had amongst others these comments "God, look at the state of that" and "yes, darling she's only carrying one baby in there" and "omg you are lying about being 6months pg, you look fit to burst any second"....I had enough of it by 6 months but I did end up having a 9lb 6ox dd!

MunchkinsMumof2 · 26/04/2010 16:23

d'oh 6oz not ox!

sterrryerryoh · 26/04/2010 16:58

I think that there are some people in the world who feel that they can comment on anything and everything without thinking about the effect is could have on the person they're speaking to. I don't suppose for one minute any of it is intended with malice or to hurt you. I suppose it just grates a bit when it's every other person who you speak to.
On the flip side, I get a bit fed up when pregnant women moan about being pregnant, when I've spent 10 years trying to do the same, and have now had to come to terms with the fact that I will never be that lucky. I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I certainly wouldn't get upset it either?

MeMudmagnet · 26/04/2010 17:01

I know exactly how you feel OP.

When I was pregnant with my second, one of my neighbours insisted on making comments like this everytime she saw me, which was several times a day!
Yes I was huge and I felt it. After a while it gets you down, all the head shaking, fake gasps of horror and comments such as, "Your even bigger than you were this morning!!"

It really upset me. DH said I should be proud of my bump, which I was, but when you're pregnant you have no control over shape and you're full of hormones spiralling out of control.

I will admit, one morning I saw her looking at me as I walked past, she came out with usual insensitive crap, so I just said
"Oh piss off" (with a smile on my face)
She laughed.
"You think I'm joking" I said (still with as mile on face)
Looking at her husband, he knew she'd overstepped the mark.

Very childish, but made me feel better

Original poster
LionsAreScary · 26/04/2010 17:44

Just checked back in on this thread before popping out again to collect DS1. Thank you all for replying, I've found it very interesting to read the range of response. I especially thank those of you who agree with me!!! Can we form an 'oversensitive' club for pregnant women?

at SuSylvester - don't mention elephants!

Yes, I've also had the "are you sure its not twins" comment, and "that'll be a big one". Thanks, I'm already nervous about giving birth.

Anyhow, glad I'm not the only one to feel / have felt this way, even if I am being a bit oversensitive.

OP posts:
ADuckCalledBill · 26/04/2010 17:50

ARGH, I am one of those idiotic people! You are being a bit sensitive but it is a permanent state of affairs when you are pg so not much you can do about it As others have said it's not supposed to be an insult, more an admiring comment.
I'm sure you look blooming and gorgeous and if you don't I bet half the people who are saying things are thinking 'poor you, I remember being like that!'
Good luck with the rest of your pg and the birth of course.

NiallOfTheNineHostages · 26/04/2010 17:54

I had this with ds4. Several of my patients would comment on it every day. One lady asked me if I was sure I wasn't having twins which did annoy me as my obs would scan me at every visit and I had had a 4D scan so it was highly unlikely a second baby would have gone unnoticed!
I really don't think there is ever an intention to hurt but it does get you down.

NiallOfTheNineHostages · 26/04/2010 17:55

Oh look, all the lines of my post start with "I". It's just me, me, me......

Feelingsensitive · 26/04/2010 17:56

This used to druve me nuts as well. I think you have to take it as well intentioned comments rather than being nasty. Just smile and say how you are looking forward to the baby being born or change the subject. Just wait till after the birth when people ask when you are due Now thats something to be offended about

biddyofsuburbia · 26/04/2010 18:18

YANBU but I don't know what you can do about it!! I got a group of men in a restaurant (when I was with DH as well) virtually taking bets about how many babies I was going to have once. Bloody cheek!! Both DC's nearly 10lb plus added weight due to SPD and inability to stop eating so I was pretty big, but the stupid comments har har etc. are really boring. Just try and shrug it off if you can & know that you are not alone!! Oh, and Feelingsensitive, I had those comments too aarrghh!

dunceinlove · 26/04/2010 18:18

Well I felt georgeous when I was ptregnant and I had a massive bump. It's the only time I didn't feel fat as I knew it was all baby. When I am not preggers I have a roll of flab. Attractive.
Stuff em and concentrate on your baby. Pregnant women are beautiful. I think many people are in awe of them or don't know how to treat em

maaam · 26/04/2010 18:38

YANBU. OS possibly. But I doubt people mean to cause offence - they're just social imbeciles. I started saying, 'oh you've put on a few pounds too', in response till I realised it made me sound similarly nuts/rude.

If it's any consolation I'm now 40 +3 and I don't want to leave the house after I walked past some bloke last week and he nudged his partner in front of me and said, 'god she's massive, bet she's about to go into labour any second'. Out loud. .

fruitshootsandheaves · 26/04/2010 18:42

I had the opposite problem with people commenting that I was tiny and it was hard to believe there was a baby in there.
I went for a bra fitting when I was 39 weeks and the lady in the shop said 'come back when you are nearer to giving birth so we can get a better idea of how big you will get'

Both are annoying, but I think people just feel the need to say something and say it without thinking.

tinkletinklelittlestar · 26/04/2010 18:54

It was the people thinking they could touch my bump without asking - really made me angry - I would restrain people from touching me.

I am amazed that other mums would be so tactless to comment on how 'huge' you are - how quickly they forget!

YANBU