to take offence at endless comments about my size?

[LionsAreScary]

My first AIBU, so I?m a bit nervous, but here goes:

I am 31 weeks pregnant and am totally fed up with other people telling me how huge I am. This happens 2 or 3 times every day now as I go about my business, coming from any of the many people I interact with, from school mums to shop assistants, even sometimes from friends and family. My self-esteem is pretty low at the moment and I just don?t need to be reminded constantly about my size.

I am on the tall side, normally neither skinny nor overweight (not pregnant my BMI was 24). I have put on about 1 ¾ stone so far and luckily that is almost all bump (well maybe a bit of extra buttressing about my thighs). After the event, I always think of some witty or cutting response to the comments, but at the time words fail me. I don?t want to be rude as I am friendly with many of the people who comment ? e.g. DS2?s nursery manager, who said ?Gosh your bump is getting really big now, isn?t it??, and a school Mum who said, ?X and I were the other side of the playground and were just saying how huge you?re looking? (this whilst stroking my bump!)

DH says I?m oversensitive, that these people don?t mean to offend, and I just have to brush it off. My Dad says IANBU and that people are just inconsiderate and like to boost their own self-esteem by making others feel bad.

I am getting so sick of it I don?t want to leave the house. I am normally sociable but starting to avoid people for fear they?ll comment. I dislike talking about pregnancy generally, but it is the size thing that really upsets me.

I don?t understand why it is considered rude to comment on someone who has spots / has put on weight, and yet pregnant women are supposed to not mind? How am I supposed to not care about being insulted?

So AIBU like DH says?

Hi Lions. I'm 31 weeks too and I too am getting ever so slightly irritated with the well meaning comments about the size of my bump. A bank teller called me back the other day, I thought because there was a problem, but no, she wanted to ask how many I had in there . There have been many twins comments etc too.

I know it's all well meant and there is not one iota of malice there but it doesn't stop it being a PITA. My baby is measuring very big and there are all sorts of problems that are being discussed with the docs atm so I am being a bit hypersensitive too.

One of my friends, who is on the heavier side, has been making loads of comments with great glee. My response of "well, at least I'll be losing 5kg in a day" fair put her gas at a peep.

Water of a duck's back doll!

well your feelings are your feelings I suppose yanbu, but really people are just being a bit tactless rather than deliberately out to upset or undermine you. bear in mind some women genuinely aren't bothered by bump comments so don't realise others will be. btw I once had some twat in a pub claim to be a doctor and to be sure I was going to go at least 3 weeks early , some people are v. strange around PG women.

I used to hate it as well. I am only short and did get big quickly, but one larger lady caught me on a bad day and said "wow, aren't you HUGE " to which i responded,
" I'm Pregnant, whats your excuse?"

My DH was with me and insists on telling people when we go out to dinner etc. I about it now, but at the time I was so sick of comments that I snapped. YANBU but if you are anything like me, you will look back at pictures of yourself when baby is 18mths and say "wow, I was huge"!

That's what happens when pg tho, no? continually. For ages I was small, ooh, small blah blah, then wow, you've popped out. Smile and tune out.

Agree with Posie YABOS

LOL at maaam: "I started saying, 'oh you've put on a few pounds too', in response till I realised it made me sound similarly nuts/rude."
I have thought of doing that several times but never had the guts. Especially to someone who actually had.

tinkle - yes I too am surprised how many of the comments come from other mums. In particular from one whom I had already confided in about feeling depressed in pregnancy. She knew I was feeling crappy about myself, so why go out of her way to tell me how enormous I am?
I think this is why this is bothering me more in this pregnancy than previously - now I am a SAHM so am out and about often chatting with other mums to pass the time, whereas previously was in an office full of mostly men who like me were by and large too busy to worry about my increasing girth.

Hey Ruby, thanks for your support. You're right, we have the fastest weight loss plan to look forward to in just 9 weeks. Have you joined one of the antenatal threads on here? I haven't, was thinking about it but am not sure whether to join June or July... due 27 June.

Oh grief, TotalChaos has just reminded me of the alcoholic ex of a friend at the rugby club minis xmas lunch who kept saying how attractive he found pregnant women and trying to touch bump -eeek gross yuk yuk yuk ffs

nowit - never mind when baby is 18 months - I look at myself NOW and can see that I am huge! I just don't want to be reminded of this several times a day. After another 9 weeks of this I may resort to using your response!

Love your bump! Big bump? So what? Be proud of your baby bump.
It's not fat remember! I know it's easy to feel fat when heavily pregnant but you aren'ta proper fatty.

Someone at work asked me when I was due the other day. I'm not pregnant! Imagine how fat I felt!

32 weeks and feeling self concious too!

I think it's cos we've been hiding under layers of coats and jumpers all winter and suddenly people can see a big bump- people only started to notice a few weeks ago and now suddenly we're weeks from having the baby.

The rudest comment was "wow that's a gonna be a massive fart later" I was the only mum on the school run today wearing a cardi- trying to hide the bump- but I still had loads of comments.

So YANBU I don't particularly relish it but in a few weeks they'll be fussing over the baby and you'll be ignored.

just spotted the spelling mistake - I blame the hormones!

It's a tricky one - after all as people have said, many pregnant women(esp those who look small) would be just as offended if people didn't comment on the fact they look pregnant. Personally I've found being pregnant a nightmare, but what gets me through all the stress is actually getting lots of comments about how my bump is growing well! The GP said it to me today and I fairly bounced out of the surgery!

So it's swings and roundabouts really - i'm not saying YABU, but I think we maybe just need to accept that as a group, we're impossible to please - notice, don't notice, comment, don't comment, someone is bound to take offence...

YANBU, I am 30 weeks and hate the comments too. I am just tired of being assessed, observed, and people thinking that my body is up for public discussion. I agree completely with you.

But, have figured out a kick ass response to 'the you are so big' comments. I now look them in the eye and smile and laugh and say 'sorry, I am only accepting compliments today'. It is (I hope) a gentle way of saying 'please think about what you are saying.' I think most people are not trying to upset you, but they are being a little insensitive and crass.

Maybe YABU, maybe YANBU, but I'll join you in hating this too. I'm sure most people mean well, but the tone in which some of the comments are made (shock/surprise) makes me feel like a freak of nature! I admittedly was the size of a bus when PG with DS (he ended up as 10lb 8oz), the worse comment I got was from a friend of DP who looked at my bump and said to DP "you've filled her up well, mate". I mean, if people feel they absolutely have to make a comment on my size then "you look wonderful/blooming" is very nice, but "you look huge" is not - I'm being over-sensitive - of course I am, it's my right as a hormonal pregnant woman! What really Ps me off though is when people touch my bump - strangers do it too! Why on earth is that considered acceptable? When did I become public property?

I am at the comment of your DPs mate, Bluesunday. THat is just revolting. What did your DP say?

I hate being touched also and stroked by people. Random people touching me, so annoying. And, why?!

I do hate the big/huge/about to burst comments. And it is the getting them several times a day that just gets you down. But I find, somewhat strangely, that in the course of a day I will get a 'you are huge' comment and then a 'you are so tiny' comment. mw says i am bang on right. Truth is, as it is my first, I feel really scared when people tell me I am huge.... because I really can not see how on earth the baby is going to come out.

All these different comments are really great.

Libelulle - come and do my school run, it would cheer you up no end...!

Bluesunday - that comment from your DP's friend is bleurgh. Really horrid. I'd have been tempted to slap him. And definitely it is better to hear "blooming" rather than "huge" - if people must say something.

myhands - yes that thing about taking off winter coats has occured to me too. This will be my third summer baby - must make sure next one is born in winter so I can cover up.

MPuppykin, thank you - not only do you agree with me , but you have shared the perfect response - not rude, not defensive, just sweetly pointed. Will be using that one tomorrow!

thesecondcoming

The trouble is that over the years on MN I've seen very pregnant women be outraged by

"My word, your bump is growing nicely"
"What a nice neat little bump you have"
"You look great" (offensive because woman in question didn't feel great)
"You look tired"
Any question about how things are going

and

people not mentioning the pregnancy at all

It really does seem hard to think of any approach to "making conversation with a late-3rd-trimester woman" that isn't going to be potentially offensive to some subset of such women.

So, yes, YABOS I'm afraid. But not at all unusual...

Why not just stick to "how are you?" then?
This has been happening to a friend at work a lot - she has a large bump, perhaps, but still seems very rude to comment quite so much on appearance; after all, you are not at your elegant best at 7+ months...

It can be a bit annoying - I am 9 months pregnant and my mum greeted me with "Hello fat person" the other day - not being particularly slim anyway it did upset me a little. Also she keeps telling me I am huge when in actual fact my MW tells me bump is measuring bang on average.

In my first pregnancy I had some people telling me I was enormous and others telling me my bump was small - really annoying - like when people comment on the size of your baby!

I had polyhydramnios (too much amniotic fluid) and was absolutely enormous when pregnant. And I did get a bit fed up of the comments too. Although it did mean that I always got given a seat on the tube for the last 10 weeks of pregnancy - I think people thought my waters were going to break at any second

Mpuppykin - we were both open-mouthed and speechless - but I was young and timid then, and didn't know how to react. If someone said that to me now it would be a totally different matter..!

I had this when preg as I was huge (& loved it)& I'm not back to my prepreg size & have friends commenting. It's horrid & I just try to ignore it.

I dont know if YABU or not as I'm 30 weeks pregnant myself and pretty hacked off with it.

Last week, someone commented "oooh you are very small aren't you" prompting me to be worried baby was undernourished, I was seeing the midwife later that day and she reassured me the baby was measuring totally normally then THAT NIGHT!! I went to a family party where everyone was saying "oh my goooood! your are massive, you look like you are about to pop!!" by the fifth person I gave a rather sharp "thanks!" in a sarcastic way because I'd had enough!

It led me to think that most people are not commenting on your size more your bump size IYSWIM and probably dont realise how insensitive they are being.

I really wish people could just stick to "you look really well" or failing that if they have to comemment on size say "what a big bump" rather than HOW MASSIVE you are

gah pregnancy hormones!