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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to "farm my kids out" as much as i do?

105 replies

superv1xen · 15/04/2010 10:57

i have been thinking recently as i recently had to look after my friends little girl so her and her DP could go away for the night. both sets of parents don't babysit, they like to see the little girl but not actually ever look after her! and they just never have any time as a couple unless they go out seperately.

i would go mad without the support i have from my parents and DP's parents TBH. probably a lot of people on here will judge us for this but me and DP are always out without the kids! we have 2 kids aged 10 months and 3. since the youngest has been born last may, we have been away five times (for weekends away) and go out at night in town at least once a month, while the kids stay out overnight. and this weekend my eldest is going to my parents and my youngest is going to DP's mums for the weekend. and later in the year they are going to my parents for a week and me and DP are going abroad just the 2 of us.

also i am "lucky" in a way as my eldest is from a previous relationship so his dad usually has him 2 weekends a month, so there's a built in, unpaid babysitter! and when DS is at my ex's its easier and less stress with just DD so we get quality time then anyway.

i love my kids and wanted them very much but both myself and DP think it is absolutely essential for a healthy relationship to have space from the kids. I am a SAHM so am with them 24/7 other than when they are with our parents or DS at his dads.

but i honestly would not cope if we either didnt have anyone to help out or people were not willing. and i dont know how people can maintain decent relationships when they never have any quality time.

OP posts:
saslou · 15/04/2010 11:00

I think if your dc are with either their other parent or loving grandparents and are happy, then fair enough.

TheButterflyEffect · 15/04/2010 11:01

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sarah293 · 15/04/2010 11:02

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RockSteady · 15/04/2010 11:04

no YANBU. my parents look after my children most weekends although its because I go to work, don't know what I would do without them and feel really sorry for those who aren't lucky enough to have the kind of help I do. I think if your children are happy and your parents are happy to babysit then why not

Original poster
superv1xen · 15/04/2010 11:04

i just don't get grandparents not wanting to babysit!!

obvs unless they have health problems etc which mean they physically can't!

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 15/04/2010 11:05

No YANBU, the DC are with people who love them, and it's good for DC to build such a close and loving relationship with grandparents and family. Since my DS was a baby I have had generally a night out every month or so, and sometimes go away for weekends leaving him with his dad. He is a happy little boy who knows there are lots of people who love him.

Kneazle · 15/04/2010 11:05

I agree with Riven. We never get to go out but if you do count yourself lucky and who cares what anybody else thinks.

nannynobnobs · 15/04/2010 11:06

You are very very lucky, YANBU as long as the children have fun though! I have not been out with my DH since January when we got a couple of hours out for dinner on a Monday night for my birthday. We just don't have people around who can babysit. My family are usually unable to for various reasons and DH's family don't live anywhere near us.

TheButterflyEffect · 15/04/2010 11:07

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Tortington · 15/04/2010 11:07

some GPs dont like their GCs. just becuase its family doens't make it so.

i hope that i will be a good source of support for my children when they have children, however i will not be a built in babysitter, i want to go out, have meals, go to pub with MY dh, i've done my bit so this GP lark will be n my terms

Marne · 15/04/2010 11:07

YANBU

You are very lucky though and i am very .

My mum has baby sat a couple of times, she has only had dd1 for one night and that was in our house whilst i was giving birth to dd2. My dad has had dd1 over to stay once and has had her for the day once.

I have a neighbour who often takes dd1 to school for me (as i need to drive dd2 10 miles to her nursery) and will look after the dd's if i get stuck.

We have never been away for a night, mainly because both my dd's have Autism so its hard to find a sitter that i trust, i only trust my mum but she's often too busy.

I would go out more and leave the dd's more if i could.

sarah293 · 15/04/2010 11:09

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mazzystartled · 15/04/2010 11:09

I think you are very lucky!

YANBU, so long as everyone is happy, and you still spend family time all together. Sounds great.

IMO (slightly cat's bum mouth) going on holiday without them is a bit odd. I would definitely prioritise a family holiday over break with DH when you have so much support the rest of the time.

compo · 15/04/2010 11:12
Envy
naomilpeb · 15/04/2010 11:26

As pretty much everyone else has said, YANBU if everyone is happy with the situation.

On the whole grandparent thing though, I think it is only fair to recognise that some people want to be grandparents in the hands-on, all the time, lots of babysitting way, and others don't. My parents maybe help out in babysitting once in a while if I ask them, but prefer to spend time with us as a family for a few hours and then run away home. Certainly not change any nappies! I'm not upset with them for it, and I think their relationship with DD may well change and get stronger when she gets older or when they retire.

DP's mum on the other hand likes spending lots of time with her grand-children one-to-one: has DP's nephews to stay for a few days at a time, offers to evening babysit a bit, takes DD out to the park etc. She just really enjoys spending time with them (and maybe the fact that she's been retired a few years makes a difference?), and it's really lovely, but I don't think it makes her a 'better' grandparent then my parents. And I'd like to think I'd be as wonderfully unjudgmental if it was the other way round too!

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 15/04/2010 11:39

Yanbu

my parents are only too happy to have dd, and she slept at their house alternate weekends when she was small

now she is at school she does not go quite so often, I see less of her during the week, and she started to object at about 6

so make the most of it whilst they are small, ime it is much easier to leave them before they perfect the art of emotional blackmail

Species8472 · 15/04/2010 11:41

You're lucky! I'm so .

I don't think we'll ever be able to have a DC-free night (overnight), let alone a weekend. My parents live a couple of hours away, have never offered to babysit, and I couldn't ask them. Dad has asked why we're not in a 'baby-sitting circle' but it's not so easy when all the parents we know have babies similar age and have their own problems in the evening looking after their own LOs. Only time we've had a night out together in 9 months was when my SIL travelled quite a long way to stay with us so we could have an evening out for my 40th birthday.

In-laws would jump at the chance but are a bit elderly and live abroad unfortunately.

Alouiseg · 15/04/2010 11:46

You are not being unreasonable and you are very lucky. One thing you must be aware of though is as they get older they will have more commitments themselves.......football/dancing/cricket, whatever and the cheeky weekends off will have to get fewer.

I have a friend with 3 dc who she farms out most weekends so that her and dh can enjoy their active social life. It's now at the point where her dc are missing out on all the things that the rest of our dc take for granted yet they are the first to moan when their dc don't get picked for matches etc.

Just enjoy the time because it can't realistically go on for too much longer. Sorry to be a doom and gloom merchant, just trying to pave the way for you.

TheFoosa · 15/04/2010 11:48

we don't have any support and it is hard

so yanbu at all, I would be the same as you

nikki1978 · 15/04/2010 11:49

I am the same. When I was BFing my kids which lasted about 3 years across the 2 of them I barely went anywhere but when I stopped 2 years ago I immediately went on a weekend away to Amsterdam with DH. I have been on several weekends away since - some with DH plus a few hen weekends, my 5 day honeymoon and a 2 week holiday. I go on nights out about 2-3 times a month.

I am also lucky that my Mum and MIL love having the kids and helping out. I try not to take advantage as they have their own lives. My Mum begs to take them for nights and weekends though as she lives 60 miles away and doesn't get to see them much.

I spend a lot of time with my kids and they love being with their grandparents so I don't feel bad about it. I do feel for people who struggle to get babysitters. I remember how frustrated I was when I was BFing and missed lots of social events and nights away with DH.

When/if I am a grandparent I will be as supportive to my kids as their grandparents are to us. It is so important I think. Plus the relationship between the kids and their grandparents is so close which I love.

nikki1978 · 15/04/2010 11:54

By the way my 2 week holiday was to attend my best friends wedding in Australia. It was during school time and I think the kids would have really struggled with the flying and jetlag. Plus we wouldn't have been able to afford it if they came too. I would definitely prioritise family hols too but that was a special one off

PeedOffWithNits · 15/04/2010 12:01

part of me is a little jealous as i would love more time for DH and I to go out.

however part of me wonders how parents can actually go abroad and leave their DC even with trusted responsible doting grandparents.

we have turned down the chance of DHs fantstic works "jolly" to Russia for 3 days because of this.

s

PeedOffWithNits · 15/04/2010 12:02

I have no idea how that s happened!

wilbur · 15/04/2010 12:02

I think it's good that you are acknowledging how lucky you are (I hope your mum and in laws get some flowers and gin for their troubles !) as I know several people who just assume their parents will have the children on a regular basis and get stroppy when they are not around at a moment's notice. I think your social life sounds good, if you were in the pub every night until closing time I might but I think it's good for kids, where possible, to spend proper time with people other than their parents, to get to know other routines and esp to have a good relationship with grandparents. My parents are both dead and my inlaws live 2.5 hrs away so grandparantal babysitting is not possible for us, although ILs are fab with the children and will jump at the chance to have all 3 for a weekend when they can. YANBU, but carry on helping your friend when you can and def thank your lucky stars!

multimummy · 15/04/2010 12:04

We have 4 dc's and none of the 5 grandparents ever have the children for any time ever!
We would really value a bit of a break sometimes. Infact we'd really love the opportunity to get some decorating done, or the garage cleared out. . Or even some cupboards cleared out if only the gp's would kindly offer to have the kids for an afternoon.
2 of the grandparents only live a few streets away, and still they only see our kids about a couple of hours around 15 times throughout the year.

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