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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to "farm my kids out" as much as i do?

105 replies

superv1xen · 15/04/2010 10:57

i have been thinking recently as i recently had to look after my friends little girl so her and her DP could go away for the night. both sets of parents don't babysit, they like to see the little girl but not actually ever look after her! and they just never have any time as a couple unless they go out seperately.

i would go mad without the support i have from my parents and DP's parents TBH. probably a lot of people on here will judge us for this but me and DP are always out without the kids! we have 2 kids aged 10 months and 3. since the youngest has been born last may, we have been away five times (for weekends away) and go out at night in town at least once a month, while the kids stay out overnight. and this weekend my eldest is going to my parents and my youngest is going to DP's mums for the weekend. and later in the year they are going to my parents for a week and me and DP are going abroad just the 2 of us.

also i am "lucky" in a way as my eldest is from a previous relationship so his dad usually has him 2 weekends a month, so there's a built in, unpaid babysitter! and when DS is at my ex's its easier and less stress with just DD so we get quality time then anyway.

i love my kids and wanted them very much but both myself and DP think it is absolutely essential for a healthy relationship to have space from the kids. I am a SAHM so am with them 24/7 other than when they are with our parents or DS at his dads.

but i honestly would not cope if we either didnt have anyone to help out or people were not willing. and i dont know how people can maintain decent relationships when they never have any quality time.

OP posts:

multimummy · 15/04/2010 12:08

Think it boils down to 2 of the gp's being remarried and their new oh's not being so interested in grandchildren that are not actually theirs and other grandparent is widowed and prob couldn't cope.

minipie · 15/04/2010 12:11

YANBU - as long as the kids are happy who cares?

(bearing in mind that as Alouiseg said it might have to reduce in future as your kids get to have stuff they want to do at the weekends)

(also bearing in mind the GPs will probably expect you to look after them in return if they need more care when they're older... but am sure you'd do that anyway as you sound like a very close generous family )

TrinityIsAPenguin · 15/04/2010 12:13

I dont get any help from grandparents

neils mum doesn't feel up to it yet and my parents live 450 miles away

we never went out together either

Francagoestohollywood · 15/04/2010 12:22

Both my parents and dh's parents (plus 2 great aunts) have always been very supportive.
My grandmothers have always been supportive too, and me and db used to spend most of the summer with them.
Hopefully I'll be able to be an active and present grandmother.

Blu · 15/04/2010 12:28

YANBU, and in fact, I think it is important to prioritise your own relationship from time to time, and let children know that you are doing so. It can only increase thier confidence to know that the team responsible for all thier welfare is strong and that there is a glue there that is not all to do with the child. that is an arguabley high pressure to put on a child: 'we're together because of you and all our focus as a couple is in you'.

I wish that DP and I had 'farmed' DS out more during the early years, it took a big toll on our own partnership, and we are only now finding time to refresh it.

Good for you for giving your friends some child-free time.

HongKongBaby · 15/04/2010 12:31

YANBU. You are very lucky to have the help. I'm a British ex-pat in Hong Kong and so a long way from family meaning its purely down to me and DH 24 hours a day 7 days a week. He works 80 hour weeks meaning its all on me most of the time. Most ex-pats get round the lack of family support by using paid domestic help but we do not have that budget. It definitely does put a strain on our relationship through simple exhaustion really. On plus side when we visit UK for a few weeks in summer we get spoilt.

So, if you have the help there and the kids are happy with it then definitely make the most of it!

traceybath · 15/04/2010 12:32

YANBU but you are bloody lucky and I hope you do realise that

I have 3 dc's and a DH who works long hours and don't live near family.

MIL and FIL are hopefully going to move closer to us and I can't wait - mil can't wait to help with the dc's more and then we'll help them as they get older. Win win.

porcamiseria · 15/04/2010 12:45

just appreciate how lucky you are!!!

I feel releived as reading here I am not the only person who gets fuck all support! Family aborad and my family dont, its actually created a but of a rift between me and my Mum

But,I work FT so come weekends I want to see kids anyway, so it all comes out in the wash

GiraffeYoga · 15/04/2010 12:49

YANBU, as everyone has said, you are v lucky!

I dont have any family help at all and work full time. So anytime at the weekend feels so protected, I hate to go out and leave DD with anyone.

Result is that my rship with DH isnt in great shape. In fact he isnt talking to me right now- something I know wouldnt be an issue if we had time together as a couple and time to ourselves.

Not sure what to do remedy it really... some pof my mum friends take the P8ss with their bbaby sitting requests or bring the babies out to restuarants in the evening (they are 13mths!)

thehillsarealive · 15/04/2010 12:51

ah I remember those days - before my parents got too old (ill) to come and babysit DH were able to go out and have weekends away... sigh

TulipsInTheSunshine · 15/04/2010 12:53

I've been pregnant or breastfeeding for 6 years straight now so haven't had much chance to avail of babysitting offers... dp is already planning our spa weekend away fro when ds2 stopped nursing (which could be 2 years away!)

On top of that althoughboth sets of grandparents offer neither set is ideal really... dp's dad is an alcoholic and my mother is a very odd personality with obsessions about having clean house and shows massive favouritism ttowards dd which makes me uncomfortable on poor ds1's behalf and i'm not sure i'd want him to have a whole weekend of that

since ds2 has been born 14 months ago i've had one night out with friends without dp and one weekend away at a wedding with ds2 in tow. dp has had 3 weekends away, one to a gig and twice to his parents (no space for all of usthere)

kitkatsforbreakfast · 15/04/2010 12:54

Another one here with no family suppport.

yanbu as long as you realise how lucky you are (as others have said)

the only part of one of your posts I take issue with was when you seemed sceptical as to why some grandparents might not want to look after their grandchildren. Well, because they aren't their dc. Because it's jolly hard hard. Because they're enjoying their retirement, or still working. There are loads of reasons.

My parents don't look after my dc, and though I would like them to, I don't feel they have an obligation to do so, nor is it that they don't offer.

The way I feel now, I intend to spend my retirement holidaying and having lie-ins. Not sure I'll be that keen on having grandchildren around either.

Gleeb · 15/04/2010 12:54

I have a similar-ish set-up but daren't mention it on here because I know a lot of other people aren't lucky and don't get that break.

My DS is 3 and has one or two nights a week at his Dad's - he always babysits if I ask and although my mum doesn't live nearby, we go to stay there often and she'll babysit the evening so I can go out with DP (we don't live together). I work 33 hours a week over 4 days.

I never had any intention of making my life all about my child/children but I appreciate it's only my particular circumstance that means things work as they do. I don't know how other people cope either.

GiraffeYoga · 15/04/2010 12:54

sorry that doesnt make sense. - my post that is.

MintHumbug · 15/04/2010 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kickassangel · 15/04/2010 13:06

YANBU and it doesn't sound too excessive. i did know someone who sent her dd to stay with her mum for a week, then when her dd cme home, got her dp to take time off work to look after the dd, as it was 'too much' for her. That would be a little excessive.
i think it's good for dc's to have more than one person look after them, variety etc.

still jealous though - dh & i have managed 6 nights alone in 6 years. that's down to my dsis - none of the gp would/could take on dd for a night.

AngryPixie · 15/04/2010 13:24

You are so lucky, this is not the norm and I hope you really appreciate the relationship they have with your children.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, other to imply that this amount of time away is 'absolutely essential to maintain a healthy relationship'. What does that suggest about the relationships of the 98% of us who don't share your good fortune?

waitingforbedtime · 15/04/2010 13:33

I think if you realise youre lucky YANBU.

My parents looked after my nephew 2 days a week plsu various extra times for 3 years - in that time I got no time off (not parents fault, they live far away)(he also went to a nursery from 3m - 3y twice a week) and when I was down one day I said to my sister that I was really homesick and wished I had someone to babysit occasionally to which she replied ' Oh I know how you feel I never get any time off either' - she just had no conception at all of what I meant.

Bonsoir · 15/04/2010 13:35

You are incredibly lucky to have such willing and available grandparents! Enjoy your good fortune!

thesecondcoming · 15/04/2010 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sparkle12mar08 · 15/04/2010 13:54

You are bloody, bloody lucky. And frankly I am bloody, bloody jealous. We get no help at all on a daily basis, though when the gp's come up on their quarterly visits we do get a meal out. But we're always, always on 'duty' overnight.

I'm honest enough to admit that I get searingly jealous of some of my friends who get daily help. And of one friend who is so 'helpless' that she gets her mother down from 200 miles away to paint her kitchen and plant her garden for her...

kitkatsforbreakfast · 15/04/2010 14:57

sparkle12mar08 maybe we know the same woman?

That's how my friend got her kitchen painted too
This friend's mother comes down every other week for the night to help out, and her mil comes one day every week. her dh is always home by 5 to take over, and friend is also able to leave her dc with her mother for up to a fortnight several times a year for holidays with her dh.

I wouldn't be happy leaving my dc for that long, but I would, just occasionally, like to get my hair cut without it being a bloody organisational nightmare.

I am simply jealous. Perfectly prepared to admit it.

Buttons2708 · 15/04/2010 15:08

You are the luckiest couple in the world! I have 3 dd with exh who refuses to have them and my dp parents live 2hrs away we also have ds who's 8months. The only time we've had alone was when I gave birth! I must admit I do think holidays without children is a little selfish but nights out etc go for it!

sarah293 · 15/04/2010 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Shodan · 15/04/2010 15:42

YANBU- I'm very, very lucky to have my PILs living fairly nearby who are always champing at the bit to spend time with ds2 (and ds1, who is a teen and not their biological grandson) and babysit every Friday morning so I can do 'whatever'. They are also happy to come over at rush hour time, if DH is going to be late home, so I can go to karate, they have had both the boys for a couple of weekends while we've been abroad, and they actively encourage us to have nights out - although we don't do that very often due to our terminal laziness.

It is lovely to see the relationship that ds2 has with his grandparents and even lovelier that my PILs treat ds1 as 'their own', especially as his bio father and family seem to have cast him off at the moment.

I am also extremely lucky that I get on really well with my PILs so there are no underlying resentments or anything.

I have the utmost respect and admiration for all those who are without such support.

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