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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to "farm my kids out" as much as i do?

105 replies

superv1xen · 15/04/2010 10:57

i have been thinking recently as i recently had to look after my friends little girl so her and her DP could go away for the night. both sets of parents don't babysit, they like to see the little girl but not actually ever look after her! and they just never have any time as a couple unless they go out seperately.

i would go mad without the support i have from my parents and DP's parents TBH. probably a lot of people on here will judge us for this but me and DP are always out without the kids! we have 2 kids aged 10 months and 3. since the youngest has been born last may, we have been away five times (for weekends away) and go out at night in town at least once a month, while the kids stay out overnight. and this weekend my eldest is going to my parents and my youngest is going to DP's mums for the weekend. and later in the year they are going to my parents for a week and me and DP are going abroad just the 2 of us.

also i am "lucky" in a way as my eldest is from a previous relationship so his dad usually has him 2 weekends a month, so there's a built in, unpaid babysitter! and when DS is at my ex's its easier and less stress with just DD so we get quality time then anyway.

i love my kids and wanted them very much but both myself and DP think it is absolutely essential for a healthy relationship to have space from the kids. I am a SAHM so am with them 24/7 other than when they are with our parents or DS at his dads.

but i honestly would not cope if we either didnt have anyone to help out or people were not willing. and i dont know how people can maintain decent relationships when they never have any quality time.

OP posts:

mumblechum · 15/04/2010 15:45

YANBU, it's absolutely crucial for a happy marriage, imo, to have lots of time together as a couple. I just stayed in dh's hotel last night (he's working away all week) and it was lovely to go for dinner together, have a nightcap in the library etc.

It does children no good at all to have parents who don't nurture their relationship.

mumblechum · 15/04/2010 15:46

Riven, couldn't you train your lads up to look after your dd?

If anyone deserves a break it's uyou and your dh

BeenBeta · 15/04/2010 15:46

YANBU - we have been without our children for a total of 5 nights in the last 10 years. Our parents/PILs live a long way away.

We farm DSs out during the day though to nursery, school, after school care and holiday clubs though.

LoveBeingAMummy · 15/04/2010 15:52

YABU

But only cause I am very, very

ProfYaffle · 15/04/2010 15:58

Oh God, I got a proper jolt of in my tummy reading the op! Pil live an hour away, are somewhat elderly so don't babysit. My parents are very willing but live 250 miles away.

I'm a sahm too so I use nursery to give me some time to myself and my parents travel down for a weekend's babysitting once a year or so, both of which are life savers....

.... but such regular time off

mumblechum · 15/04/2010 15:59

Been Beta, we were in that situ but once ds was 7 used to send him (with his best mate) away on PGL holidays for a week & we'd bugger off to Tuscany.

Suited everyone.

Bigpants1 · 15/04/2010 16:05

Havent read the whole thread, but you are very lucky and not everyone has that luxury.
My parents dont babysit,but they dont live in the saame town. My MIL will babysit and is very kind, but not always in good health.So, as a couple we dont get much quality time together.
We have 6 dc, two of whom have SN. My eldest is coming up 16, so grandchildren are away off yet-I hope! While I want to help my dc out when they have their families, I dont think I want to babysit every weekend etc. and can understand a bit, grandparents who dont do childcare. I love my dc, but am looking forward to being able to spend time with my dh in the future, doing things we cant do easily at the moment.

meatntattypie · 15/04/2010 16:08

i am vvvv too.
Our parents live 10 min car drive away.....but neither set of parents are in the least bit interested in our ds. he is the pil's ONLY gc.

I have had 5 mcs, had to go through them in hospital alone as dh couldnt come and be with me as we had no one to watch ds for us. They all knew, but didnt offer. Not interested.

I cant help it, i feel very let down and very bitter some times about the lack of anything from any of them.

joster · 15/04/2010 16:16

YANBU, however, don't you miss your kids and want to share some of your trips/experiences away with them too? Maybe you are lucky enough to have family holidays on top of all this travel. You are seriously fortunate, but it sounds like you realise this to some extent.

In more than 5 years, one of our set of GPs have virtually never been left in the house alone with our two DC's, let alone looked after or been responsible for them. I have never asked and it would not even occur to them to offer any form of assistance. Once or twice I have said "I'm off for a shower" or "Dog needs a wee, back in five" but that really is the limit of it. I don't really get it.

That said the other GP's are very good. They are very busy people, don't have masses of spare time, but when they do they are extremely hands on and will have DC's for sleepovers etc now and then... but only a night or so, if we go away, I want to take them with me to be honest almost all the time.

BeenBeta · 15/04/2010 17:37

mumblechum - PGL at 7 sounds good.

We were considering that this year (age 8 and 10) but we chickened out.

mumblechum · 15/04/2010 17:59

I was worried the first time but he had a ball, partly because he w3as with his best friend, to whom he's joined to the hip.

He's only stopped going to PGL about 2 yrs ago when he was 13.

Hulababy · 15/04/2010 18:05

If you, your children and those babysitting are happy with the current situation, then all is fine. Doesn;t matter whatothers think.

For me personally, that would be too much. I didn;t feel ready to leave DD that early either. But that is what suited me and DH. We actually get a fair amount of time together as it is, and our relationship still appears to be as strong as ever 8 years on.

So, whatever works for you is what you should go with.

princessparty · 15/04/2010 19:33

I think there is a happy medium between never having any time as a couple, and buggering off for a week and leaving them when they are that young.

QuintessentialShadow · 15/04/2010 19:37

You are lucky. We have two children, 7 and 4, and I can count on one hand when dh and I have been out as a couple. Actually. It has only happened twice in the last 4 years. Once we went to the cinema, and my sister were watching them, and the other time we went out for a drink while dhs cousin were staying with them. (both visitors from abroad) We have NO support network, no family at all who can step in. We dont know anybody who would want to babysit even, just so we could go out for a meal together!

Pozzled · 15/04/2010 19:51

YANBU. I think it is a really good thing to get time as a couple when you can, and also for kids to build strong relationships with their GPs. But I dislike the implication that couples who don't spend time alone together don't have healthy relationships. It's hard, but it can be done, and it's clear from all the posts that often there is no other choice.

Bleatblurt · 15/04/2010 19:57

Yanbu.

But I don't agree with your comment about gp's not wanting to babysit. My parents both have full time jobs so I can hardly blame them for not offering to babysit all the time. Evenings and weekends they have stuff they need/want to do.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 15/04/2010 20:04

'I think there is a happy medium between never having any time as a couple, and buggering off for a week and leaving them when they are that young.'

loving your use of 'buggering off' princessparty
if all involved are happy with the situation what's wring with having a week away?

TinaSparkles · 15/04/2010 20:21

Ahem, yanbu but seem to be being a bit judgey youself as far as couples needing time together goes.

DH and I have the odd overnight away and yes we do savour it but it wouldn't make or break us if it didn't happen (and is happening less and less the more grandchildren our inlaws have).

While we enjoy these nights we also have limited holiday entitlement and would rather spend the time together. I couldn't imagine going for a week abroad just the two of us, for now anyway.

SweetGrapes · 15/04/2010 20:27

We go out 2 or 3 times a year - maximum is we catch a movie or go to dinner. Can never do meal and movie on the same outing!
However, we never feel the need to go away for the weekend or something without the kids. A few more evenings out is what we would like, that's all. But we're still together and happy after 12 years of being married...

thesecondcoming · 15/04/2010 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fledtoscotland · 15/04/2010 22:19

YANBU but I am just very at you having the support network.

My best friend helps out loads which means I get to go to the supermarket without my helpers, can take DS1 to SALT and ENT without having DS2 in tow etc etc but when it comes to the cruch, DH and I have had 2 nights out in 3 years, out last lie in was in 2007 and my last sleepless night was probably in 2006 before I fell pregnant.

fallon8 · 15/04/2010 22:27

supervixen.....it could be. 1. we have done it already by brigning you up.. 2.They now have time of their own and plans of their own and simply are too busy or just dont want to do it. I must admit,i have made it plain to my 3.I wont be babysitting and providing childcare.it will be emergencies only, plus i dont have the stamina ,my house/garden is not geared up for kids.I have friends who do it, and tbh, its not ideal,they feel put upon,they are back to school hols etc etc .They cant come out on the spur of the moment.Its now My time.

stealthsquiggle · 15/04/2010 22:32

Cardinal sin - I haven't read the whole thread but I would say based on OP YANBU but I would imagine it might change when your DC are of school age, especially if you then go back to work. If DH and I went away/out that much then I for one would feel that we hardly saw the DC - we get a rushed hour or two of supper/bath/bed and another of up/breakfast/out during the week, so during term time weekends are the only time we get with them, and holidays together the only prolonged family time we get. Also you can 'divide and conquer' - I do feel that one grandchild is a treat for GPs while a squabbling pair are just hard work. My parents do have our DC a reasonable amount, but it is almost all to cover DH and I working rather than having fun (, moi?)

sweetkitty · 15/04/2010 22:33

I'm another one of your great support network.

We have almost 4 DC and no family help, well SIL will babysit once or twice a year to allow DP and I to go to the cinema for the afternoon.

I get so annoyed when friends complain about their parents not looking after their DC enough and them having to rearrange childcare etc when they are getting free childcare to allow them to work. One friend I know works 3 days a week, her Mum looks after her DC one day, her Aunt the next and then her DH the next. She never stops moaning about having to pick her Aunt up early in the morning and take her to her house to look after her DC as her Aunt doesn't drive and her Mum not wanting to look after her DC at weekends

coralanne · 16/04/2010 08:40

superv1xen

So glad I read your thread.

Your family sounds exactly like ours.
I was really starting to think that we were in a minority.

My DD and her DH were married very young and she had 3 DC before she finished Uni.

Then another one after she finished.

They have had quite a number of trips away on their own.

They go to weddings, out to dinner by themselves or with friends.

They have also had lots of holidays away with all the DC's.

There's always someone around from either family who love to have the DCs.

Even my DS will phone sometimes to see if I have the DC's.

Then he and his DP come over to play games with them.

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