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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to "farm my kids out" as much as i do?

105 replies

superv1xen · 15/04/2010 10:57

i have been thinking recently as i recently had to look after my friends little girl so her and her DP could go away for the night. both sets of parents don't babysit, they like to see the little girl but not actually ever look after her! and they just never have any time as a couple unless they go out seperately.

i would go mad without the support i have from my parents and DP's parents TBH. probably a lot of people on here will judge us for this but me and DP are always out without the kids! we have 2 kids aged 10 months and 3. since the youngest has been born last may, we have been away five times (for weekends away) and go out at night in town at least once a month, while the kids stay out overnight. and this weekend my eldest is going to my parents and my youngest is going to DP's mums for the weekend. and later in the year they are going to my parents for a week and me and DP are going abroad just the 2 of us.

also i am "lucky" in a way as my eldest is from a previous relationship so his dad usually has him 2 weekends a month, so there's a built in, unpaid babysitter! and when DS is at my ex's its easier and less stress with just DD so we get quality time then anyway.

i love my kids and wanted them very much but both myself and DP think it is absolutely essential for a healthy relationship to have space from the kids. I am a SAHM so am with them 24/7 other than when they are with our parents or DS at his dads.

but i honestly would not cope if we either didnt have anyone to help out or people were not willing. and i dont know how people can maintain decent relationships when they never have any quality time.

OP posts:
porcamiseria · 16/04/2010 10:38

I used to be bitter but then I thought, I CANED it from 16 years to 33 years, I had my share of parties, wild late nights and trips abroad. Now I genuinely dont mind staying and and doing kid stuff. In fact I wanted to get PG as was driniking and smoking too much!

even if I did have a massive support network (I have fuck all) I actually would not want to go out that much anyway. I work FT, I want to spend weekend with my kid/s

Difft strokes for different folks, but I have decided to be happy with my lot!

So OP YANBU, but dont assume that everyone wants what you have.

also dont assume that people who are not as lucky as you dont have healthy relationships. there is more to relationships than nights out and candle lit dinners no?

mrsbean78 · 16/04/2010 11:23

I think it's a good point to remember not to assume that everyone wants or needs what you have in order to sustain a healthy relationship.

My ds is only 4 months and I've been out about three or four times thanks to fantastic support from both sets of grandparents (who don't even live in the same country as us!). I think it's been important to dh but I could have done without it, I found it quite stressful to be away and to have to express and have my boobs tingling with no little mouth to relieve them!

Some of my inlaws have regular skiing holidays without the dcs - have done since their children were younger than my ds - and it just wouldn't be for me. I would be tense and anxious the whole time. My mother is very strongly against parental holidays without dcs, too, so would draw the line at helping out here.. I have clearly picked up her viewpoint as we are wont to do with our mums, I guess!

But good for you that you have such regular contact with gps, would love that for my boy but it is getting harder to sustain the flights and can see it would be too difficult for at least one set of gps when we have another.

EveWasFramed · 16/04/2010 15:08

I have mixed feelings about this, and I don' know why. Part of me wants to ask why people who aren't willing to give up their 'old' life bother to have kids in the first place. The other part of me thinks as long as DCs and parents are happy with the arrangement, then that's great!
My DH and I didn't get married until in our 30's, and kids came after, so I had my 20's/early 30's to do whatever I pleased. Now I don't really have the desire to go out all the time, and I wouldn't go on holiday without my DCs, for sure. DCs didn't spend the night away from us until they were old enough to ASK to stay at Granny's, and that was fine with us, now the odd overnight here and there is great, but more for the kids/granny than for us. Our relationship is strong, our family is strong, we're happy. But, again, to each their own...I might feel differently if I were 10 years younger...

porcamiseria · 16/04/2010 15:15

same here Eve, and I think are late 30 age is the key

DC is going to his fathers homeland (with his dad!) for a week and a half in May, its the right thing to do but I am DREADING being without my baby for a week, dreading it. hey ho, needs must.

Francagoestohollywood · 16/04/2010 16:17

Well, I had my children in my 30s, and despite the fact that I don't long for party nights anymore or trekking for a month in Australia, I still enjoy going out once in a while, seeing my friends, going to the movies, having some adult time and going away for the odd weekend

IngridFletcher · 16/04/2010 16:28

DH and I don't have any parental support, mine are dead and his are too far away and one is ill.

We have a decent and healthy relationship. We value what we have and the time we spend together even if at home, because we love each other. Its not actually that hard, you get used to it.

We didn't enter into parenting thinking we were not going to have much support in the future. You never know what is around the corner you know? There is rarely much use in smug complacency.

fluffles · 16/04/2010 17:35

i've only skim read but i think YANBU but maybe your DH is? if he works full-time how much does he see the kids? does he work a full week, go away with you then work another full week?

if he gets home for dinner and bath and bed most nights then of course that's great but i'd be worried that the little ones might be losing out on dad time a bit.

fluffles · 16/04/2010 17:35

sorry, DP not DH.

princessparty · 16/04/2010 18:52

'if all involved are happy with the situation what's wring with having a week away?'
Has the 10m old baby said he is happy about it ?

ssd · 16/04/2010 19:06

agree with ingrid above

dh and I have no support, we are each others only support

we have no time alone and still we get on really well, mostly because we value each other.

op, your post sounds a bit smug and self satisfied, are you a bit worried that without all that support you and dh have you wouldn't manage and would be in trouble? thats how your post read to me.

thesecondcoming · 16/04/2010 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Clayhead · 16/04/2010 19:38

This thread has made me feel a bit weird...

We could have loads of support and have willing grandparents but turn it all down as its not what we want, we seem to be the odd ones out! We actually have to make myself leave the dc occasionally with the grandparents as we don't want to offend them.

It is a bit of an assumption that we all crave this time together alone though; I'm happily married for ten years.

Maybe it's because dh works away loads and often works nights/weekends so our time together as a family is limited and I protect it as much as I can.

Anyway, am glad the OP is happy but it wouldn't be my choice

LEMneedsaholiday · 16/04/2010 19:40

YABVVU But thats just because i'm jealous!

jonicomelately · 16/04/2010 19:40

I get very little help with my kids. My neighbour's children are practically brought up by one of their grandmothers who lives very close by.
I do envy her sometimes but on the other hand I don't think I could handle the loss of control I'd feel about how the children are brought up. They barely eat in their own home. Sometimes they'll be at home when friends are round and as soon as the friends leave they're dropped off at granny's again. Granny is quite indulgent and I don't think that necessarily benefits the kids either.
This is purely anecdotal, and not meant to be a judgement on any other parent.

strandedatsea · 16/04/2010 19:48

My doctor practically perscribed a couple of nights away without the kids when I saw her the other day. She said it was good for the children (as well as us obviously!) as long as they were with grandparents or other living family members.

Trouble is we live in another country to all our relatives, although I have asked my mum to have them when we are home in the summer.

Here, in la-la land (the rich and the expats)leave their dc's with their nannies while they go out/away. I even know someone who left their 18-month old with their nanny while they took their older dd to Disneyland for a week. While trying not to be too judgemental, I was very about that....

strandedatsea · 16/04/2010 19:49

Sorry loving family members, you would hope they would be living....

Francagoestohollywood · 16/04/2010 21:06

Gosh, I think that there is an ocean between having the odd weekend away and delegating the responsibility of bringing your kids up to a third party, no?

I don't think that my children going to my parents for a sleepover once every 3 weeks represents an abdication of parental responsibility on my and dh's part!

thesecondcoming · 16/04/2010 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

montygirl · 16/04/2010 21:41

I dont think it is unreasonable if both parties are happy with it.You are a very lucky lady. We have a friend who helps out now and again.My mum will have them but not often and only if we do a 60 mile return trip to hers twice as she will not stay at oyurs and doesnt drive.My Dad is worse than useless and wont even take them to the park for 10 mins on his own and up until recently my sis did not offer and will now not offer again for a while as is pregnant herself now

My mother in law is fab but does not live in the UK but would fly over now and again to babysit if we really needed it. I agree alot of Grandparents are just not interested these days or assist enough even with small things which was not the case when I was a child.My mums parents were superb and its a shame they did not live to see their great grandchildren!

minxofmancunia · 16/04/2010 21:47

YANBU but I'm v v

My parents promised stuff like this when i was pg with dd but it never materialised. They do come up to see them but my Mum in particular likes us to all do stuff together rather than give me a break. We've had 3 nights "off" in 3 and a half years. Each time got a text from Mum at 10am the next morning asking when we could come and get her as she absolutely had to be out by 12. I did gently request if when dd stayed overnight if she could have her until 2ish but was told they were very busy. So I don't bother asking anymore as it's not worth it.

When we stay at theres I get up in night with dcs if neccessary which is fair enough but then am up with them at the crack of dawn. parents lie in and never ever offer to take over for a couple of hours so i can catch up on some sleep despite me being treated for chronic insomnia.

Me and dh had a disatrous honeymoon got stuck in a hurricane shelter in Mexico for a week with 500 plus people in a cat 5 hurricane. Got pg with dd due to a contraceptive failure soon afterwards dh lost his job. I had PND. And still no offers of support for just a couple of days even just for me and dh to have a weekend away together to recompensate for the honeymoon.

All myfriends with kids have had weekends and holidays away and always look a bit when i tell them it's just not an option for us. It's hugely affected mine and dhs relationship. We actually get on better when we're together more stragely but because we go out separately we spend less "quality" time together.

As I need to go out otherwise i'd go mental i go out once a week with friends. We do organise a babysitter once a week too for both of us to go out, usually someone extortionately priced from dds nursery.

I cannot recall the last time we spent time together in the day just the 2 of us. Makes me but just have to get my head round it.

montygirl · 16/04/2010 21:49

Saying that I would never expect them to have them all the time and when I went back to work even if I could have I would not have expected my mum to have them

We chose to have them and are happy to be there for them but on the special occasions eg Wedding anniversary' and birthdays it would be nice not to have to beg or ask but someone ask to have them so we culd go out.

Also it would be nice if during the school hols they would take them out for the day or a couple of hours instead of turning up to see them when they are at school/nursery during term time.Thankfully we have booked to go and see the mother in law next hols as she relishes the time with them whereas others are non existant.Thank god I have great friends !

Francagoestohollywood · 16/04/2010 21:50

No, it's not the whole weekend (unless we go away for the weekend, which happens not more than twice a year).

But why should that be the message sent?
First of all our children are now 5.5 and 7.5 and actively ask to go and spend time to their grandparents.
And they don't go to their grandparents because we find them dull, they are clever enough to know this.
They go to their grandparents because the grandparents are part of our family and all the parties involved are gaining for being close and sharing time together.

thesecondcoming · 16/04/2010 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Francagoestohollywood · 16/04/2010 22:03

I don't know there, I've never left mine that often when they were so tiny, but then again, 10 month baby might be totally fine with his loving grandparents.
I spent a lot of time with my grandmothers as a child (they took us to the seaside when parents had to stay in the Milanese scorching heat to work) and never for a second thought that it was because my parents found me dull. I had a whale of a time with my grandmothers.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 16/04/2010 22:59

''of course we love you but can't be arsed to actually do anything with you and spending time together as a family is just dull-so go to grannies so daddy and i can pretend you don't exist for a bit...''

that is what going away for a weekend communicates to your children?
don't be so dramatic