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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want older children's older siblings at ds's birthday party?

97 replies

Picante · 14/04/2010 09:40

Ds is having his 4th birthday party at a farm.

A parent keeps badgering me to bring an older child, as the other parent is working that day.

I've said no. It's not really the money - although obviously I'd get the parent to pay for the extra child. I just don't want him there. It's my son's birthday and I just want his friends there. There are a few babies going but that's hardly the same thing.

Am I being too harsh and precious?

OP posts:
AxisofEvil · 14/04/2010 09:43

Are you exepcting this parent to be there throughout or just to drop the invited child and leave?

Callisto · 14/04/2010 09:43

I don't think ybu, I feel the same, though many will disagree.

Megatron · 14/04/2010 09:45

I don't think so, it's up to you who you invite. It can be a pain making arrangements for other children when a child goes to a party but that's just one of those things that has to be dealt with. I never, ever ask if I can take a sibling to a party.

Swanky · 14/04/2010 09:46

Hmm I thought YANBU then you mention babies will be there, that you will ask the parent to pay for the older sibling AND that the other parent is working, so they will have nowhere (presumably) to leave the older child?
So I do think YABaleeeetlebitU...but is there more to it - sibling much older and a PITA for example?

Original poster
Picante · 14/04/2010 09:46

I'm not expecting any parents to leave the children - they're only 3 or 4 and it's quite a drive.

OP posts:
mazzystartled · 14/04/2010 09:47

If it's just one, at a big party, and it would mean otherwise that your DS's friend can't come then I think yab -abit - u. Can you offer to pick up friend and bring him home and supervise him?

Original poster
Picante · 14/04/2010 09:47

Well he's 6. But tbh yes he's a PITA and a real live wire.

OP posts:
Original poster
Picante · 14/04/2010 09:48

Ah Mazzy that's a good plan.

OP posts:
PrettyCandles · 14/04/2010 09:50

Generally I'd agree, no elder sibs at a young party. OTOH, there can be exceptions. Do you have any particular worries about this elder sib? Sometimes they can merge easily with the littler ones, sometimes they can be a huge help and get a great buzz themselves from being effectively counted among the adults not the babies.

As long as you don't worry that he'll be disruptive, and that this won't be the thin edge of the wedge with lots of other older sibs following suite, perhaps you could let him come this time?

PrettyCandles · 14/04/2010 09:51

Ah, cross-posted.

mazzystartled · 14/04/2010 09:52

Wonder if the mum is a bored to death of solo parenting at weekends and hoping party will provide entertainment/company? I don't think it would ruin the party to have them there.

AxisofEvil · 14/04/2010 09:56

Well if you're expecting the parent to bring invited child and stay with invited child, if the other parent isn't available for child care then YABU - what do you expect for them to do with other child? So either arrange transport for the invited one or suck it up.

fluffles · 14/04/2010 09:59

if there's only one parent available then you HAVE to either allow the younger sibling to be left with you without their own parent with you responsible, OR you can allow the older sibling.

Same would be true if the parent was a single parent. You can't expect them to magic away the older sibling.

Personally i'd let the parent and older sibling bugger off and do their own thing and i'd take responsibility for the younger one.

Swanky · 14/04/2010 10:00

ooh good idea, offer to take the invited child

geordieminx · 14/04/2010 10:01

Cant mum take older child round the farm herself and you or another mum supervise her child?

Seems like rather an extravegant 4th birthday at a "farm a fair drive away"

SpicedGerkin · 14/04/2010 10:04

'Seems like rather an extravegant 4th birthday at a "farm a fair drive away"'

And? What has that got to do with the OP?

cat64 · 14/04/2010 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

joster · 14/04/2010 10:09

If parents are expected to stay with their DC's at the party, they will have to have their older child with them, nowhere else for the older DC to go. I am in exactly that situation tomorrow. I don't think the mum hosting a party my dd (4) is going to is expecting parents to leave their children.. but I have ds(5) with me, so I will just have to loiter around with him.... its an indoor party so quite a tough one for him/me, but we will just have to stay in the background I suppose?

But I absolutely would not expect her to invite him, though, and nor would I ask (oh god, the shame!) Having been in this situation several times, most mums have said "let them join in with the games"... which is extremely kind of them but I would never assume that this is a given!

Megatron · 14/04/2010 10:12

I've been in the same position many times too as DH works most weekends. Luckily I'm pretty friendly with some of the other mums so we tend to take it in turns to take older siblings when the little ones go to parties. It is a tricky one though, my initial reaction was to stick to your guns but if you expect the mum to stay it does change things.

geordieminx · 14/04/2010 10:13

I guess I was meaning that is the norm to have to drive "a fair way" with 3/4 year olds and then hang around, and then to have to arrange child care for any siblings?

Surely if its a public farm then the mother can bring who she wants?

LilyBolero · 14/04/2010 10:15

You have 3 options;

  1. Offer to take younger child and supervise him at the party.

  2. Welcome the older sibling.

  3. Tell the mother that you would rather she didn't bring the younger child at all, if she can't find somewhere for the older child.

personally, I can't see the problem with an older child being there, especially in a farm setting - it's not like you're going to have loads of older children in your house, where I could imagine it might be harder. On a farm where there is plenty of space it would be easier to accommodate.

Original poster
Picante · 14/04/2010 10:22

Well we've come to a compromise of sorts. Dad (interesting how so many of you assumed it was the mum!) is bringing both children, dropping the younger one off with me and taking the older one round the farm by himself.

Don't like being made to feel guilty tho - not by you lot, by the dad. Anyhow it seems to be sorted now.

And geordieminx.... not that it's ANY of your business, but my son wanted a farm party. The farm organises everything, food, party bags etc. I'd much rather be in the open air than stuck in the hell hole that is soft play. And he's not had parties for his other birthdays so ner.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 14/04/2010 10:24

I'm always in this position being a lone parent

luckily, here where I live, people understand and aren't 'precious' and no parties are ever spoilt! Alternative is child misses party...

jellybeans · 14/04/2010 10:27

YABU Many a time I have had extra siblings, I even pay most times, I totally understood they had issues with childcare etc. They never ruined it either, kids don't really care who is there they are too busy having fun!

geordieminx · 14/04/2010 10:31

picante you "adult" I explined what I meant in my 2nd post, perhaps extravegant was the wrong choice of words.

very touchy though.....