To not want older children's older siblings at ds's birthday party?

[Picante]

Ds is having his 4th birthday party at a farm.

A parent keeps badgering me to bring an older child, as the other parent is working that day.

I've said no. It's not really the money - although obviously I'd get the parent to pay for the extra child. I just don't want him there. It's my son's birthday and I just want his friends there. There are a few babies going but that's hardly the same thing.

Am I being too harsh and precious?

YANBU it's not up to you to provide childcare for the whole family. What does she normally do if one child is invited somewhere?

This is something that I've struggled with every year with the children in our family, and there are lots of them, and it drives me nuts.

DD is 3 so parties should be quite small, but then I feel that I have to invite older siblings because of course they know DD too which really bumps up the prices, and quite often they just hang around bored because it's 'babyish'.

If there were particular circumstances, like lack of childcare for the older one, then fair enough if they really could do nothing else for an hour or so, but quite often (in my case anyway) it seems the parents just don't want to tell them they aren't invited as they're too old for it.

However, of course DD isn't invited to their birthday gatherings as she's too young, which we just have to accept - and rightly so, but it's hard knowing when to cut it off.

I made a point of telling the older nieces & nephews that last years party was their last as they're too old for little kids parties now. (They range from 8-15!)

Why should you accept other children that weren't invited? I'd just say if it's a problem then don't come tbh. It's your child's party so it not your responsibility to be sorting out other people's older or younger children only the ones invited.

I think most of the time people want a freebee so try and drop their other children off too so they can have an afternoon off!

I agree with StrictlyKatty

As the dad, in this case, can take the older child around the farm he didn't need to join the birthday pary - just after an easy afternoon if you ask me!

I do think it's taking the p*ss to expect a sibling to be invited.

I think YABU if you expect 1 parent to stay. My kids didn't have parties until their friends were able to be left. On the other hand the parent concerned should just decline the invite if they don't have anyone to look after the other kid. My kids never got invited to any parties like this. Parties were drop and leave occasions, if they had as we both work I suspect I'd have declined alot of invites.

Some people aren't reading the thread and aren't realising you expect 1 parent of every child invited to mind their kid for the party duration, which to my mind makes it not a child's party but more of a parent and child outing, in which case leaving 1 kid behind seems odd.

Tbh, I can see both sides of the problem.

Usually, I agree that older siblings should not be taken to the party, and if my youngest is invited, I would normally arrange to leave my eldest with family / a friend etc...

But, As the OP has said..."I'm not expecting any parents to leave the children - they're only 3 or 4 and it's quite a drive."

This makes it quite difficult for the other mum to arrange alternative childcare. Its a farm, so not safe for the parent to leave the child at the party alone (as you could probably get away with at a hall)

"Its quite a drive" - so I'm guessing quite an ask for the older child to be left with someone else too. Its not the case that the mum could let the child turn up a bit late to the party, and squish it down so a friend has only got to look after the older child for an hour, but if it is a standard 1 1/2 hour party, with say a 20 min or so drive either side - that's finding childcare for almost 2 1/2 hours. That's quite a big ask!

Therefore, I think If I were the OP, I would probably recognise that my choice of party is actually quite inconvenient for other mums, and would probably allow the other mum to pay for the older sibling to attend this time. If it were at a local hall, I wouldn't see the need. But given the nature and location of this party, I think it can be inconvenient for other parents to drive to a farm, some distance away, and perhaps there does need to be a bit of compromise there!

I get really ticked off with parents who organise logistically complex parties.

You might want to spend your 4 year olds birthday at a farm a fair drive away, but you can't expect everyone else to drop everything/rearrange their lives in order to do that.

If you want to make complicated arrangements, and invite other people to do so too, then you have to be a bit flexible.

I've spent literally years of my life driving to far off places for parties and wish that more parents would do simpler 'birthday tea' affairs at home.

All this fuss over just one little boy joining the party? Jeez, I'd have thought you were hosting the party in a 10"x10" room instead of a farm. I hardly think the poor boy would be in the way. And the parent would be there too so it's not like you'd even have to have much to do with The Uninvited Boy.

if you want the parent to stay with the child then yabu. What do you expect the older child to do?

Tell her she can drop off her younger one, go and do something nice with the older one and pick up later.

but she also wants the parents to stay, mint

Mint, but the parent is there to "handle" their PITAness. I don't think the child would be able to run riot with the parent there. All these hypotheticals make him sound like an uncontrollable animal .

Oh, and I meant 10'x10'. 10"x10" would be pretty hard.

How dare a kid be a livewire. If only we could all have perfect kids, perfect lives and be at the beck and call of partyzillas....

Whilst I can sort of see your point I do think you are being unreasonable sorry. If there is no one else to look after the 6 year old and you expect a parent to stay with the invitee then what is he (the Dad) expected to do? Although having said that he definitely shouldn't be expecting you to 'invite' the older sibling, just not object to him actually being there with his Dad (ie not as an invitee who expects to join in).

YANBU. If she can't make alternative arrangements for the uninvited child, then she can decline the invitation. DD has missed a number of parties for this very reason and understands why. No wonder kids have an attitude that they are entitled to everything!

I wonder where kids get the entitled to attitude from though? Maybe from partyzilla parents who expect everyone to shout 'how high' when they say 'jump'

I'd say it's more likely to be from Partyinviteezillas who can't possibly say that little Hermione can't go

LOL!!

Touche Sassy!!

YANBU

livewire, parties are for the kid whose birthday it is, not an older kid who may well dominate proceedings.

My neice once had a party to which two older brothers came along to by default, and proceeded to hog the games and indulge in rough play etc while my (smaller, younger) neice and her own friends sat meekly on the sofa trying to avoid getting kicked by a stray foot. At her own party!

And as for the idea that a parent can control their own kid's PITAness, well they don't though do they. They think the kid is spirited, and a bonus to the party as they are livening things up. Ime they're in the kitchen drinking wine anyway, not trying to keep an eye on their kids.

I think YABU because they have asked (plenty wouldn't, IME) - and they have come to a compromise. In general, I object to older siblings at parties (and younger ones, once they are of an age where they want to join in) but that means accepting that invitees will get dropped off as it is unreasonable to ask for a parent to be dedicated to one child for an entire afternoon if they have several.

In fact, there are some siblings of DS's friends whom I would love to invite but don't because it would then be unfair on the rest.

Joster - Can't you at least tell the parents of the party you're going to tomorrow though before you get there? At DDs party this year at a soft play place with games etc involved, one parent turned up with her elder child too (she did apologise and say she'd pay. I told her not to worry) and another parent turned up with their younger child too, not a babe in arms though, a 2 year old. dd is 5. There's a maximum amount of children allowed per party, also you have to pay per child and you book numbers in advance for food etc.

I found it really rude that neither had asked me and also it makes it really uncomfortable - you have to pay per child, at the food time you can't just ignore the poor dragged along sibling but the food has been made (and paid for) a set amount of people and at gift bag time I feel terrible for the extra children who won't get one.

At dd's it worked out ok because we had two no shows (equally bloody rude!!!!) who were about the same age as the extras so I gave their party bags to them and obviously they ate the food etc. The one mother always seems to bring the elder dd (9) along though, feel really sorry for her, she knows no one other than her sister, usually doesn't get a party bag or to eat the food (dependent on type of party it is obviously). Mum is not a single parent or ever asks first so not sure why she does it?

I would feel really mean saying no when the party is at an outdoor public place.

I wouldn't want to leave a 4 year old either. I tried it once or twice and the parents were so busy organising things/chatting that the kids were running riot with doors gates to roads left open etc. I ended up staying most times till older.

Assuming that the farm is a public attraction and that you havn't exclusively hired the whole place then there is little you can do.