To not want older children's older siblings at ds's birthday party?

[Picante]

Ds is having his 4th birthday party at a farm.

A parent keeps badgering me to bring an older child, as the other parent is working that day.

I've said no. It's not really the money - although obviously I'd get the parent to pay for the extra child. I just don't want him there. It's my son's birthday and I just want his friends there. There are a few babies going but that's hardly the same thing.

Am I being too harsh and precious?

If the party is in a public place you can't restrict who can and cannot go to that public place at the same time presuming it is open to general public.
Ds2 was invited once to a similar style party and as it was such a lovely day we all decided to go to the place too. Ds2 was deposited with the party group and the rest of us went off and enjoyed the farm. We did bump into the party group a few times but tried to stay out of their way and not intrude. I hope the birthday child's parents didn't mind us doing this, I think it would be rather precious if they did.

YAB a bit U. This is an occupational hazard of parties where you expect parents to stay. It's no-one's fault; just one of those things. At least they have asked in advance rather than just turning up with the older child. Now if they were expecting to leave younger child and then suddenly dumped older child on you that would be a different story...

Soft play is easy. The parent just pays for the extra place or the kid just plays and has their own lunch with the parent and doesn't get a party bag. Usually, a couple don't turn up or RSVP anyway so I just offer the place to the sib. No big deal. I have never had the 'perfect' party for my DC. Usually their best friends are on holiday and can't come, people are ill, kids get boistrous, sibs get invited etc etc. They still have a great time..

jellybeans - wasn't easy at our soft play. The one parent didn't offer to pay for their extra child so we paid, the other parent offered but I declined, felt too embarrased to accept. Neither bought their own food and both were invited by us to eat with the party lot.

Our soft play might be different to yours - you hire it for exclusive use then the party is 'hosted' so there are a specific number of 'prizes' activities etc, extra children aren't catered for, you agree numbers in advance. We were lucky in that two of the invitees (2 sisters) didn't turn up. Otherwise it would have been really awkward, especially for the poor uninvited sibling.

picante, most older children are very very helpful, and add a positive influence to the party.
babies on the other hand.... they take up space, in usually quite small party rooms. they take up the mothers attention. so in a farm, if you need parents around to help, then the addition of the baby means it s more hindrance than help. i cold go on and on, but basically, i think you are being unreasobale, but for the wrong reasons.
personally, i always feel the more the merrier, and i would not only pay for a sibling, but also give them a party bag. but thasts just me. i also buy drinks for the adults that stay too. but again, thats just me. i want the guests to enjoy themselves and feel welcom.

farmerjones you'd pay an extra £15 a head per extra sibling? Rather generous...

I'm not touchy. I wouldn't care if they just said they couldn't come for whatever reason.

lowenergylightbulb Why shouldn't my son have a birthday party where he wants, with people he wants? I'm providing food and drinks for the adults. I'm not forcing anyone to come.

It's not a general farm admission - it's an organised party within the farm, with room hire, party food, party bags etc etc, so it's not a free-for-all.

MintHumbug thank-you. I thought it was rude too.

"The problem has only arisen since this fashion of arranging 'parties' for children who are too young to be left has started." - How silly. I think it's far ruder to dump the kid and run.

Anyhow as I've said, it seems to be sorted.

I think you are being incredibly rude !It is a total PITA when your DCs are invited to a party a 'distance away' and you are expected to get them there.A good hostess make things easy and comfortable for their guests!
Not only has the poor dad had to transport the child'some distance' he has now had to cough up for himself and his older sibling.

Yes you ar ebeing harsh and precious

you are also being ridiculous

I can understand why you wouldn't want to take a group of unescorted 4 years old off for a farm party. However, having asked all these parents to drive "a fair way" to this party you can't assume they can just lose any uninvited siblings. So YABU in this instance and I'm surprised you hadn't realised this could be an issue likely to arise.

I do have huge sympathy with people facing potential party disruption from gatecrashing older siblings since ds2's third birthday party (at home) was comprehensively ruined by the older brother of a guest. But you've got to be realistic about whether the sort of party you've planned is going to cause problems if the guest list is strictly limited but dependent on parents being in attendance.

I am rude for not wanting people to invite their own children?

Hmm.

I think you need to consider others when you arrange it though. It is annoying when the party is miles away, I turn down if too far/DH not around to watch the others. They get invited to so many too it becomes a pain. I am always relieved when it's somewhere local.

Picante
What did you imagine that parents and siblings would do for hours, miles away from home, whilst the party was in progress?

yes picante, i would. because its a party, and i want people to feel welcome. and i want my kids to learn about being generous, both in spirit, and in finances. ime, my kids have always benefited when siblings have come along: better friendships and relationships in school, better mix and feel at the party, and lol, bigger birthday pressie, coz the parents have usually felt that since two of them are being invited, then they should give more.

howver, my kids dont always get birthday parties. if i cant afford to do a generous party, where everyone is made to feel welcome, then we dont do the big financial thing. it helps my kids to appreciate that they do not have a 'right' to a party.

Picante, if you already know what you think, why did you ask?

I am not sure about rude, but I think you are maybe being a little graceless. Yes, the dad was perhaps rude, particularly if he was pushy about it as you suggest, but he was also in a difficult position; younger child no doubt wanted to go to the party, childcare is a problem. He should have said 'sorry X can't come as I don't have childcare for Y'; that would have been more correct from a 'manners' perspective - is that what you would have preferred? but once he had asked, the gracious thing to have done would have been to help out (and yes, personally I would have paid the extra *15 unless the child was particularly disruptive or much older - in which case I would have tried to help find a solution; which clearly you did though you make it sound as though it were rather grudging)

All the parties I have been to or held lately, which include some 4ths, have had a real mix of ages, though mostly with the majority close in age to the birthday child. At none of them has this been a problem in any way. Part of having a party is the joy of entertaining others, surely, not the attempt to provide the host with exactly what he/she wants? is it a joy if you are giving parents child care hassles?

'' Surely if its a public farm then the mother can bring who she wants? ''

This is exactly what I was going to post, does the OP think she is going to have the farm all to herself. I think as long as you mention to the mum that she will have to pay the entrance fee and pay for his own lunch then what is the big deal.

I could understand it if you were having a party at home, that isn't a public place.

I think YABU.

K

god no, yanbu at all. some parents seriously take the piss with parties. i had a party for my dd some years ago and it wasn't so much older ones as toddlers who were the real plague then - they;d come and cry and put their foot in the cake and knock everything over and i saw other parents put up with it and smile through gritted teeth as little tiny mobsters would wreak havoc on their dd's parties and i just thought 'fuck this' and so put 'so sorry but no under 3s due to the nature of the entertainer and health and safety' or some such jobsworthy nonsense. we had a really nice party! just tell them, no, sorry, your older kid can't come. i even think they are a bit cheeky to ask, and to ask more than once is like HAVE YOU NO SHAME!!

Add message | Report | Contact poster By farmerjones Wed 14-Apr-10 17:31:59
"yes picante, i would. because its a party, and i want people to feel welcome. and i want my kids to learn about being generous, both in spirit, and in finances. ime, my kids have always benefited when siblings have come along: better friendships and relationships in school, better mix and feel at the party, and lol, bigger birthday pressie, coz the parents have usually felt that since two of them are being invited, then they should give more.

howver, my kids dont always get birthday parties. if i cant afford to do a generous party, where everyone is made to feel welcome, then we dont do the big financial thing. it helps my kids to appreciate that they do not have a 'right' to a party".

FarmerJones - yes that's lovely being generous but if you budget for a party of 20 and an extra 5 siblings come along at £15 a head, you really wouldn't mind paying the extra £75??? Really?

But then you say:

"the parents have usually felt that since two of them are being invited, then they should give more".

The op and others are talking about siblings who have not been invited, who just turn up.

and you say;

"if i cant afford to do a generous party, where everyone is made to feel welcome, then we dont do the big financial thing".

This makes no sense. OP CAN afford to do the party, but why should everyone be made to feel welcome if they WEREN'T invited? Should she just gather everyone else up at the farm too and pay all their entrance fees and provide lunches? There's generous and then there's crazy

Phew, rockandstroll a bit of reason after all the knives and handbags...

Picante, i think YANBU in wanting to curtail the numbers to those invited. I think YANBU to say no to older Dc coming to your party. Why must other people's childcare issues be YOUR problem?

If he is paying for his own admission etc and doing his own thing, but it was really crass to have to ask more than once...

Now, the rest of you, please, simmer down, you seem overtired and it'll all end in tears...

Have only read OP, apols if it has moved on significantly.

I think YABU. You have said it's not the money, as you will make the parent pay. And it's not that there are no other children other than your sons friends there, as there will be babies. Sometimes it's nice to be gracious and understanding of other peoples circumstances, as you are with the babies... The child your son has invited cannot attend otherwise. I may be wrong but it reads as though you don't particularly like this child - would you make the same decision if you liked him?

Things like this often have a way of working their way back to you in life [hippy emoticon needed]

I find it interesting that the majority of posters believe you're totally unreasonable and yet rather than changing your mind you latch on to the few who reinforce your initial view

the simple fact is nobody pays for siblings to come apart from the parents of those siblings

holding a 4 year old's party miles away and not paying any thought to siblings is short-sighted and would only happen if you have one child or this is your oldest child

I wouldn't want my 4 year old to go to a party of someone who has no concept of family and responsibilities and boy will they be talking about your selfishness and laughing about your preciousness behind your back

I've done both frankly

I had DD1's 5th party in a farm and parents and siblings attended at my request as whilst I paid for DD1's guests I was 38wks pregnant with DD3 and wasn't going to be looking after any of them on my own

I have also had to take DD2 to parties because DH works shifts and I had no alternative other than the invited child missing the party. At those I've never expected the gatecrashing sibling to receive food/party bag etc and I always go out of my way to make sure they're behaved/polite and I help out where I can too.

I've also turned down several party invites due to logistics - frankly sometimes they're just not worth it.

If I was the mother of they older boy I'd be tempted to take him to the farm whilst the younger one attended the party - I wouldn't want my child somewhere they weren't welcome

if I were you I'd relax a little - if this is what you're like for a 3rd birthday party its going to be a long struggle not to get an ulcer by sweet 16th!

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