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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want older children's older siblings at ds's birthday party?

97 replies

Picante · 14/04/2010 09:40

Ds is having his 4th birthday party at a farm.

A parent keeps badgering me to bring an older child, as the other parent is working that day.

I've said no. It's not really the money - although obviously I'd get the parent to pay for the extra child. I just don't want him there. It's my son's birthday and I just want his friends there. There are a few babies going but that's hardly the same thing.

Am I being too harsh and precious?

OP posts:

princessparty · 15/04/2010 19:57

'it's not up to the op to arrange childcare and\or travel arrangements.
she's generously offered one child a party invite'
Not very generous that the parent has to give up their afternoon and arrange childcare or pay for sibling.
Hope you get enough takers OP!

Hulababy · 15/04/2010 20:01

In case of OP I would have said other child was welcome at the farm, if mum was paying, but that the party aspect wouldn't really be appropriate for him (although that does ddepend on siblings age) - but mum could maybe take him the the cafe or have a picnic during that part of the party.

It is difficult for some parents re childcare, and I would feel sad if a little one had to miss out.

Or could OP offer to take the invited child with them to the party, so the mum could look after sibling elsewhere?

farmerjones · 15/04/2010 20:33

defluff, if i have five parents ask me if they can bring five extra siblings along, and i say yes, then, they have been invited. however the reality is that i have never had that many extra kids turn up, as parents just dont do that. the maximum that has ever happened like that is probably three.
but if i did, then yes, i would pay. if i cant afford to make them feel welcome, then i wont be doing the party.

Conundrumish · 15/04/2010 20:44

We held similar party at similar farm for similar age children. One family accepted our invitation for said child but turned up (very late - so we hung around for them for ages) on the day with both parents and another sibling. We ended up having to pay for the whole lot of them.

I would normally relent to keep the peace though.

faddle · 15/04/2010 20:55

This is exactly why I just rent the church hall, do a cheap party food buffet and invite everyone from DS's class and their siblings if they want to come. Cost per child is negligible and to be honest, a few extra kids in that sort of chaos is a drop in the ocean. Kids have an absolute ball regardless of who turns up.

Defluff · 15/04/2010 23:40

FarmerJones - if you had 3 extra turn up not invited (like the 2 at mine who turned up on the day - no warning at all), I just can't believe you would merrily pay the £30 - £45 entrance for them, THEY WERE NOT INVITED

Atually you nutter, where do you live so I can drop my dds at any parties of yours in future you are a saint

Dollytwat · 16/04/2010 00:19

It's a really difficult situation.

As a single parent I've had to ask if I can bring the older one on several occasions, and he can be a pita sometimes.

I can usually drop him off at any parties he is invited to, so not a problem with the younger one, but if it's DS2 it's harder, as I couldn't leave him even at age 5.

So I do this, I always invite or welcome siblings to any party I have, and I don't have parties where it's a price per head any more. That way, my child is usually welcome at any parties we go to and I keep an eye on him throughout and I'm happy to pay for him if I need to. I also do extra party bags for sibings I think will come, as I also know what it's like to have a child in the car with no party bag.

Sometimes it just isn't possible to arrange childcare for the other 'uninvited' child. So I think maybe it's worth thinking on to the future in case you find yourself in the same position.

Having said that, I've always had an extended invite as everyone knows I'm on my own, so it's never been an issue.

Dollytwat · 16/04/2010 00:22

Just want to point out that I DO try to organise childcare for DS1 where I can, it's only if I have no other option I take him.

farmerjones · 16/04/2010 00:37

no defluff, if a parent asks politely before hand, then its not a case of turning up uninvited. its still an invitation if they ask can we bring so and so, and i then say yes. just coz no card, doesn tmean its not an invite.
i havent had anyone do the uninvited turn up and me having to fork over money for them. not ever. i dont do parties very often. but the ones i do , i make people welcome.

zazen · 16/04/2010 01:00

For me this sounds like the Dad in question has little or no imagination and wants the OP to sort out his childcare TBH.

I don't think OP is being unreasonable not to include the invited child's older sibling if he is a PITA and a live wire. If there are babies invited, then it would distort the dynamic to have only one older and most possibly bored boy there to make mischief and disrupt the party of littler ones.

I've invited older sibs to my DD's parties, as a favour to parents, but hated the rough play and noise they create - I much prefer just having a small group of like aged souls to constrain entertain.

Having a party a long way away from anywhere is a little bit unreasonable, but if you are expecting parents to come along, they can always say 'no' if it doesn't suit.

I decline invites all the time if the party is too far away. I send a little present in to the child in school / wherever and hope that there might be a goody bag making it's way back to us! My DD doesn't mind - we always do something interesting with our free day.

We try and limit it to one party a weekend - as a family we need time also.

If that Dad was really tuned in he could always invite a pal for his older live wire and take his younger son to the party. But he sounds like he thought the OP should sort his problems out for him.

Well done OP for finding a solution you are all happy with, and happy birthday to your 4yo DS!

Original poster

Picante · 16/04/2010 06:01

Thanks zazen!

OP posts:

princessparty · 16/04/2010 16:38

'If that Dad was really tuned in he could always invite a pal for his older live wire and take his younger son to the party'

..how would that work? You mean he should leave the older sibling + friend home alone?

Latootle · 16/04/2010 17:07

make it clear the parent has to stay if they show surprise you'll have to bite the bullet and say why you dont want older kids there explaining that none others are invited. Honestly some parents are sooooo cheeky.

farmerjones · 17/04/2010 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

fragola · 17/04/2010 13:57

If you get invited to a party which is too far away, or you can't arrange childcare for, you just don't go. There's other things to do and other parties. I really don't see why it should be the responsibility of the person holding the party to sort out everyone's problems.

diddl · 17/04/2010 14:30

So some mums will have 2 there-baby & toddler, so why can´t this father have his 2 there also?

princessparty · 17/04/2010 17:39

Fragola -some people don't want to let little children down.
I am prepered to bet there is not a single parent who relishes the thought of these very inconvenient parties, but most of us go along with them because they don't want the birthday child 9or their own) to be upset.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 17/04/2010 17:41

My ds was invited to a party and I apologised for not rsvping yet but had to sort out my inlaws to have the older children. She didn't offer to let me bring them, which was 100% fine with me, so dh took a half day.

zazen · 18/04/2010 21:39

Oh come on farmerjones - is there really any need to be personal? The OP is doing the best she can for her own little boy with the resources and budget she has.

IMO The dad wanted her to sort out his childcare, as far as I can see, and was miffed and harassing her cos she held fast and wouldn't bend over backwards to oblige him..

I think the dad should load up his own car with that little boy of his own and his older boy and a friend for older boy to play with - leave little boy at party and enjoy the day, looking after his own kid and friend who weren't invited. It also an important life lesson - sometimes the invites DON'T INCLUDE you, and you have to suck it up as gracefully as you can.

If that doesn't suit him, well he can do whatever he wants. I don't think the Op should give anyone else's childcare another thought tbh, unless of course she has an arrangement. We are all adults aren't we? We can sort out our own childcare? This Dad isn't a child, but IMO he's behaving like one.

Enjoy your day OP and happy birthday to your little one.

DeFluff · 18/04/2010 22:29

FarmerJones - we're talking about different things I think.

You are talking about uninvited people asking before the party if they could come, you saying yes and then obviously they then become invited people. Once you have said yes you obviously make them feel welcome, get more food, party bags etc.

I am talking about uninvited people not asking before the day, simply turning up and me having to pay for them, as well as how embarassing it must be for the poor uninvited child. If you think my annoyance at this makes me selfish or stingy then you're slightly unhinged. You wouldn't dream of going up to someone in a cinema queu and sking them to buy you a ticket would you/ Or gatecrashing a dinner party down the street and expecting them to invite you (a stranger) in and make the food for 6 go round ??

Hopefully we're just talking at cross purposes

farmerjones · 19/04/2010 23:26

excuse me, but why was my message deleted? i wasnt rude, i didt call anyone any names. i didnt use any swear words. nothing nada. i just said i was very glad i didnt know the original poster in real life , and mn hq think that is worth deleting?
i have been sworn at on mn before, and nothing has happened.
i have been called rude names, and nothing has happened
i have been collectively ganged up on, and had personal attacks, and mn hq has quite happily allowed the thread to conitnue on its merry way, but i mention that i am happy not to have to deal with the original posters attitud in real life, and you all decide that is worth deleting?
wow. the molides are right. mn isnt what it used to be

DeFluff · 20/04/2010 13:10

Don't look at me, certainly was nothing to do with me, I only ever request Daftpunky gets deleted (apologies to DP!!)

After the pasting I got the other day I thought what you said above was mild.

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