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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to tell DH's family why he really left me?

76 replies

SpiritualKnot · 12/04/2010 07:38

DH left me 2 weeks ago. He said it was coz he needed to think things over, best friend died 2 months before, we never did things together, wasn't how a marriage should be etc etc. I felt very sympathetic towards him, helped him find a place, look for furniture, very supportive, blaming myself.

Turns out he was and still is, having an affair with a work colleague. That's the real reason he's left.....he's moved to the same town where she lives. He only told me coz he wants me to file for divorce and when I spoke to a solicitor I realised I had to find reasons for the divorce and DH and I had to come up with reasons, and he told me.

His family don't know this, they think it's for the 1st set of reasons above. I've seen a note his mum wrote to him, mentioning how I'm selfish and how he's got to be careful as divorce is the leading cause of poverty. They think he's really suffering and I'm a cow.

Yesterday his sister phoned, I get caller alert on my phone and saw it was her so didn't pick up as I knew she was phoning in error. She didn't call back, but I'm thinking I could ring her back innocently. Should I ring back and assume she knows about this other woman (she doesn't). She would likely offer sympathy to me and I would say that infidelity in the workplace goes on and that it's a shame etc.

Or should I leave him guilt ridden and tortured about it all and hope that he feels duty bound to tell his family himself?

AIBU to want to say something?

OP posts:

Knownowt · 12/04/2010 07:42

The right thing to do would be to say nothing, I'm sure- what his family think is irrelevant to your situation and it would be better to work on not caring about their opinion than altering it. However, in your shoes I think I probably would end up telling them. I wouldn't be able to resist it. But that doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.

NB it's DEFINITELY the wrong thing to do if you are hoping to get back together with him and, if that's the case, I would not even entertain the idea.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 12/04/2010 07:44

YANBU to want his family to know what a knob he is, but I don't know what purpose it would serve. Move on with your life.

ReneRusso · 12/04/2010 07:45

Very tempting. Why should he take the moral high ground? I suppose the problem is it might escalate and he might make up some stuff about you to make himself appear better. But I think on balance, yes tell her, YANBU

Bucharest · 12/04/2010 07:47

Deep down they will know what a tosser he is.
You are better off without him.
Don't look back. (and when he comes a-knocking on your door, when this relationship ends, think well and hard about how he has treated you)

violethill · 12/04/2010 07:54

As it's actually cited as the reason for the potential divorce, I actually think it's not a bad idea to let it slip!

As long as you don't expect to get any sympathy off them, or use it to really run him down (which may backfire on you if they rush to his defence). But as for letting it slip quite factually - "Well, of course, as you know he's moved to XX to be near the woman he's been having an affair with" - yes, why not?

ZZZenAgain · 12/04/2010 07:58

maybe his sister wasn't phoning in error, maybe she wanted to speak to you.

I don't really see why you have to accept being cast as the bad guy in all this. However, just a warning to you, families do tend to stick togehter so you may not get the sympathy you expect - not because it isn't deserved but because they'll stick to dh at this time since he's their family. I wouldn't frankly go all understanding about the work colleague affair.

If I said anything, I'd say the truth, that I had no idea of it before and of course it was hurtful and devastating in fact on top of everything else

Knownowt · 12/04/2010 07:59

Another thought on this. If you tell them, you need to be prepared for the fact that your bombshell proably won't have the effect you hope. Ultimately they are his family and they're likely to take his side whatever has happened and to rationalise his infidelity.

Something similar happened when my brother split up with his wife. My ex-SIL emailed me a lot with stories of how awful my brother is (not infidelities but other unreasonable things) and I did feel sorry for her. Ultimately though I ended up resenting the emails- I was never going to switch allegiance away from my brother, so they just came across as spiteful ranting (even though ex-SIL isn't a spiteful person at all). Families are very good at closing ranks- there's a good chance that telling them about his infidelity will make them think worse of you, not him. It's unfair but it's true.

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 12/04/2010 08:14

Thanks for the suggestions. I thought she'd ring back if she had wanted to talk wih me, so I'll see if she rings again today. On reflection I won't ring her as I actually feel really ashamed about the whole thing. Ashamed that after 19 years of marriage it can just end.

He changed so much over the years, started off as a really nice guy and ended up as an over bearing bully, but his family don't know how much he's changed. I've told my family now. They thought he was great, but now they know the truth.

Still feel a little tempted to call, but will try to resist.

OP posts:

Rockbird · 12/04/2010 08:14

I don't see why you should carry the can for him, which is what you are doing. I would make sure they knew, don't expect anything from them as others have said but let them know the truth and then move on. I would not be able to begin a new life peacefully without the truth being known.

posieparker · 12/04/2010 08:17

Good gracious yes yes yes tell them. Just say you wanted to get the record straight, did they know the divorce is going through on the basis of his affair and that he still with that woman.

Do you have children?

After 19 years his family must be like your family, you MUST tell them.

OrmRenewed · 12/04/2010 08:18

I don't see that you have to make an effort to tell them. Just wait until MIL (or SIL) starts with the 'selfish cow' BS and then explain. Just to prevent unpleasantness in any ongoing relationship with them.

ZZZenAgain · 12/04/2010 08:18

I think you can tell them. Bit tricky how to do it. You cancall the sister back and say you saw her nmber on the display and you're returning her call.

I would expect that they are intially startled and sympathetic but then they will speak to him and he will put some spin on it that shows him in a better light. Being his family, they will want to see him that way.

HOw do you get on with them?

Alouiseg · 12/04/2010 08:20

There is something to be said for choosing your moments, you could just sit on the information until they make a remark you don't like or you feel that they are knocking you. Then you have the ammunition to decimate his credibility.

As they are his family they will ultimately take his side whatever type of arse he's been. Don't let the bastards get you down!

LittleMrsHappy · 12/04/2010 08:24

Id tell them, he ended the marriage, he was the one having a affair, why would you not tell them tbh, it means you will be lying to yourself and also to your children. you did not want the marriage he did because he could not keep it in his pants!

I would not be the fall out guy for the spineless man!

If he wants a divorce he gets it sorted, and my reasons for the divorce would be his infidelity!

maximinimum · 12/04/2010 08:24

My ex's family were quite fair and supportive towards me when they found out about his domestic violence. I did spare them the full details though so as not to horrify/shock his Mum.

In your case, I wouldn't expect much sympathy from them, but I do understand you wanting to tell them. It will become clear to them anyway I would think soon enough. If you think it will help you move on, I would speak to his sister. Ultimately it would be best to try to forget about the lot of them!

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 12/04/2010 08:26

We've got 2 children, aged 18 yrs and 10 yrs, they don't about his affair and I think they are hoping he'll return.

Get on well with his family, but they're 100s of miles away and only see them 2 or 3 times a year.

None of them have phoned me since DH left me. This has surprised me, especially his mum not phoning.

OP posts:

ZZZenAgain · 12/04/2010 08:31

you've been married 19 years, his dp are your family too and they are the grandparents of your dc. I think since they have not called you, you can call them. You could say that your dh wants a divorce and you hope that despite the divorce they'll still be a fixture of your and your dc's lives, that the dc don't yet know about his affair and that he has left you for this OW so perhaps when they speak to the dc they could keep that in mind, not bring it up until you've been able to break it to the dc at some point.

Something like that maybe. NOt that I'm great at this kind of thing. Why should they be thinking you are unkind to dh in his sorrows and have effectively driven him out? I suspect he doesnot want them to know but it will come out eventually

ChocHobNob · 12/04/2010 08:36

I would tell them. After breaking it very gently to the children.

Fruitysunshine · 12/04/2010 08:36

I would say, having been in your position 10 years ago that you should tell them - why should you be take the flak?

However a few years later I met my DH and the year before we met he and his exw split. She wrote to all of his family telling them why it was his fault and the fallout that it produced is still felt now with the end result being that the family is totally fractured and will never be the same again. He has lost the relationship with his brother and some cousins, his mum is upset at both her sons not having a relationship, we are completely left out of everything in the family (I was not involved in the split) and it is sad because we have had children together since we met and they don't have a relationship with their cousins due to the break down in relationship with that letter.

His ex however has gone on to create a new life and have nothing to do with DH's family. All through a letter - one could argue that it serves DH right, that he should be kicked out of his family, but on the other hand you could argue that she should have turned to her family for support and he should have been able to turn to his for support.

I really do know how you feel and really sympathise with you but I really don't know if dragging everyone else into it is wise for the future of everyone involved.

The letter that DH's EXW wrote has now had an impact on my children's future in our family and I wonder if the reason for doing that is justification for the end result...

isoldeone · 12/04/2010 08:38

I woiuldn't bother to be honest. My exdp's parents moved( hundreds of miles) to the same town we all lived in once he had set up home with his new partner and produeced children. Despite initially being shocked and sympathetic over the phone at the intial break up ( we'd been togethr over 10 years) she never once knocked on my door or got in contact when they came to live in the town. Families close ranks and mothers love their sons.

I rememeber an awkward ( and now quite funny ) situatuation of having to duck down and hide behind some display in m&S a year or two later when they were all out browsing "en famille"

this is of course before I had kids or a marriage so I don't think your situation is at all funny.

best advice someone gave me at the time was that you are allowed to lose your temper/ vent your spectatularly once and then after that DIGNITY be your watchword. Sit on that "ammo" till you REALLY need it. that time will come and it isn't quite now.

castlesintheair · 12/04/2010 08:48

I would let them know the truth for the sake of your DCs who are your exes parents' grandchildren. You don't have to make a big deal about it: just a few facts. You also owe it to yourself.

I only discovered a year ago, just before my grandmother died, that my father had spun a whole cock and bull story to her about the reasons my parents divorced 25 years previously. My grandmother and the rest of my dad's family believed my mother to be the villian (she wasn't) and it made me really sad, as her grandchild, that my grandmother had not known the truth for so many years. I told her the real story but of course she didn't believe me after so long.

LittleMrsHappy · 12/04/2010 08:50

You would still have dignity tho also even if you did, if you file for divorce it will be seen as you wanting to end the marriage, I would not have that for my children, he ended the marriage through his unreasonable behaviour and infidelity.

Id be holding my head up high and with dignity, but not be the fall guy for this man, so he could "play" innocent to all involved.

As its not just the two of yous who are getting divorced, its all of you involved in the family.

thumbwitch · 12/04/2010 08:51

I think if you are going to tell anyone the truth you really should start with your DC. If you don't want to tell them, then don't tell anyone else in the family either (although why are you not telling them? at some point they will be wanting to see their Dad and they will find out because most men seem to think their OW should meet the DC - not all, granted - maybe he is one of those who don't do that)

The sister might phone again - tell her then by all means. How often do your DC have contact with their GPs? Do they phone the GPs themselves ever, or do the GPs phone them?

You might find that the family already know about this OW and that is why they're not phoning you, in case you don't know.

Quite honestly, all this covering up the truth stuff is crap - just be honest with people, including your DC.

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 12/04/2010 08:54

Like the bit about the "ammo".

It's true though that they think I've driven him away, he's told his mum he's been unhappy for years.

We've had a few ups and downs but nothing really bad.

OP posts:

LittleMrsHappy · 12/04/2010 09:02

I would NOT do the ammo, you dont need any ammo, and if you sit on it, it will only fester and if something does come out of it, it will probably be used in a negative and vindictive way.

If hes been unhappy for years then he should have ended it then or at least tried to work through the difficulties in the relationship, not go into someones else bed.

I definitely tell the DC, and the sooner the better tbh, they will be confused, and you do not want to give them any false hope in thinking their father is returning home.

Also please repeatedly say that you both still loved them and that the relationship breakdown was nothing to do with them.

Also remember the earlier you do it the better, its only been 2 weeks since he walked out, the longer you leave it the harder it will become.

I must say tho, if it were me in this situation I would not be filing for divorce, he ended the marriage he will deal with all things related.

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