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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to tell DH's family why he really left me?

76 replies

SpiritualKnot · 12/04/2010 07:38

DH left me 2 weeks ago. He said it was coz he needed to think things over, best friend died 2 months before, we never did things together, wasn't how a marriage should be etc etc. I felt very sympathetic towards him, helped him find a place, look for furniture, very supportive, blaming myself.

Turns out he was and still is, having an affair with a work colleague. That's the real reason he's left.....he's moved to the same town where she lives. He only told me coz he wants me to file for divorce and when I spoke to a solicitor I realised I had to find reasons for the divorce and DH and I had to come up with reasons, and he told me.

His family don't know this, they think it's for the 1st set of reasons above. I've seen a note his mum wrote to him, mentioning how I'm selfish and how he's got to be careful as divorce is the leading cause of poverty. They think he's really suffering and I'm a cow.

Yesterday his sister phoned, I get caller alert on my phone and saw it was her so didn't pick up as I knew she was phoning in error. She didn't call back, but I'm thinking I could ring her back innocently. Should I ring back and assume she knows about this other woman (she doesn't). She would likely offer sympathy to me and I would say that infidelity in the workplace goes on and that it's a shame etc.

Or should I leave him guilt ridden and tortured about it all and hope that he feels duty bound to tell his family himself?

AIBU to want to say something?

OP posts:

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 12/04/2010 09:03

Haven't told DC as have only just found out myself. I think he should tell them not me. It would horrify my daughter though. But I would like her to know.

I'm about to decorate out bedroom in chocolate and pink and she said "Don't do it, he'll never come back if you use pink in the bedroom"

Went away with daughter this weekend to see family and got v upset, were sharing a hotel room so couldn't avoid letting her see me. She was v supportive, would be awful for her if she knew at this point.

I'm v ignorant re the law. Thought if he was unfaithful, I would have to divorce him. Is it just as simple for him to divorce me for his infielity?

OP posts:

LittleMrsHappy · 12/04/2010 09:06

Yes, but it will be seen as you wanting the marriage to end, and for me that fact will stop me doing it, I will never want my children believing that I ended their marriage to their daddy, it was his behaviour that caused all this so he should put the finial nail on the dead relationship.

thumbwitch · 12/04/2010 09:07

you don't have to divorce him unless you want to - but after 5 years he can divorce you anyway. I'm sure other people will know more about it but the injured party (i,e, you) can bring an action much sooner; if you don't agree to the divorce, he has to wait 5 years.

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 12/04/2010 09:08

DH sees our daughter every day, but hasn't told her as it would upset her too much.

OP posts:

Longtalljosie · 12/04/2010 09:16

He only left you two weeks ago. Don't file for divorce just yet. Let it settle. But yes, I think you should find a way to let his parents know what's really going on.

That said, don't expect them to take a fair view of the situation. People have a way of deciding their children are blameless no matter what they do!

Fruitysunshine · 12/04/2010 09:26

I have never told my daughter that her father had a relationship with another woman.

I could not do that to her. I just reiterated to her that we were not getting back together......

CirrhosisByTheSea · 12/04/2010 09:42

SK, if you didn't have kids I would say absolutely tell his family.

However in this scenario I think you all need to take a huge deep breath and take your time. Like Fruity did, perhaps you don't need (at least for quite a time) to mention this woman at all. It's huge enough for the kids at this early point to deal with the split let alone dad having a girlfriend. Give them loads of time but as Fruity says be as clear and definite as words will allow to make it clear you're not getting back together.

But I guess taking this approch relies on your ex being decent and not attempting to introduce this woman to them. Hope he can be sensible.

So I think unfortunately you have to sit on your feelings about this whole issue. The thing with this sort of situation is that the more idiotic and irresponsible the man is, the more superhuman the mum has to be in protecting the kids But SK I am sure you can do it because you (at least) have their best interests at heart. Very best of luck to you, take care, look after yourself. x

CheekyVimtoGal · 12/04/2010 09:45

I would ring the sister back and tell her 'innocently' thinking she already knows about the OW. You must be devastated, i know i would be. You need to tell your children and then HIS parents. like someone else said they, they might already know and have not rang you because they think YOU dont know.

I would tell them. If he hasn't told his family the real reason about why you have both seperated then he is a coward and they need to know.

Swanky · 12/04/2010 09:48

Oh OP how awful of your H!!!

I am a great believer in Moving On, but I would have to tell them. Why are you having to file for divorce? Why can't HE?! You will be the one to pay for it if you divorce him!

Fruitysunshine · 12/04/2010 09:48

What possible reason could there be to tell your child that your partner had an affair?

Surely it is a self-serving purpose and is not in the interests of the child at all?

thumbwitch · 12/04/2010 09:53

Swanky, I don't think it's the case that the OP would end up paying for the divorce if she does it on the grounds of his infidelity - I'm pretty sure (unless things have changed in the last 5 years) that the unfaithful party can be made to pay all court costs as part of the settlement.

Fruity - the reason is honesty.

ZZZenAgain · 12/04/2010 09:54

OP is not asking about whether she should tell her dc though, she is asking whether she should tell dh's family (siblings, parents) about it

I would at this stage be quite reeluctant to tell my dd (she is 9, OP's 10) about an OW. Since they are not actually living together, I personally would not tell the chilc about that

I don't know if that is always the right thing to do, just would be my personal choice.

Fruitysunshine · 12/04/2010 09:55

I don't think a child needs to know everything that goes on in an adult relationship. The things you tell a child affect their self-esteem and if the OP is struggling to come to terms with the fact her husband is having an affair how on earth do you think a child will cope?

I don't think honesty is the reason at all, more a need to discredit the person having an affair.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 12/04/2010 09:58

agree with fruity; honesty in this situation would just be damaging to the child. It's easy to look at this from an adult's view and see it as honesty when in fact if the adults concerned truly put the children first and agree not to be open about this girl, then the children are protected from news that will devastate them and rock their world even more than it already has been.

Protection of children comes above honesty in this situation imo

LittleMissHissyFit · 12/04/2010 10:17

SK, you say that your MIL hasn't called you since all this blew up, with the relationship that you have to have built up over the years, why not call HER, to see if SHE is OK with it all?

Assume your DH has told her everything and just let slip about the OW..... Likewise the SIL, call her back, and have a chat. "Oh us SIL?, we're doing OK, you know, as well as can be expected... DH sees DD everyday, hasn't told her about OW yet, and I understand why not, it'd destroy her, and it's certainly not my place to do so."

I don't think that you ought to tell the DC about the OW yet, let the dust settle a little, and tbh I think it ought to be DH that has to face them.. Sadly in our case we never had that protection, some 'do-gooder' rang my family and told anyone who answered the phone that my dad was cheating on our mum. Mum was out, and it was just our Nan and us girls 15yo and 13yo. NICE.. I hope karma bit that woman hard.

SK, if you want to paint your room, go ahead and paint any colour you wish, chocolate and pink doesn't have to be utterly girly and offensive to men.

Rooms can always be repainted, you might appreciate the clean and fresh start.

textpest · 12/04/2010 10:18

Maybe you could ask him to tell them himself - something along the lines of 'your family think the break up was all down to me, as I will have to keep seeing them because of the children could you make it clear that there was a third person involved'

beanlet · 12/04/2010 10:23

It is tempting. But don't do it. Years ago, my DH's ex rang up his mother and told her he was having an "affair" (untrue, but the ex thought he was) four days after my DH's father had died -- and yes, the ex knew about her MIL's bereavment. It's one of the cruellest things I've ever heard.

Given that they are your DC's grandparents, presumably you will continue to have contact with them. By all means find a subtle and "sorrowful" (i.e. non-bitchy) way to bring up the OW if his sister or parents bring up the subject of your split. But don't initiate. They either won't believe you or will think you are being vindictive, which won't help at all.

fallon8 · 12/04/2010 10:25

keep it ,for now,, one day, just casually throw it into coversation,it can be part of yoyr war chest

LoveBeingAMummy · 12/04/2010 10:27

Have you considered the fact that his mum knows? tbh nothing you say will probably have an effect if she is not keen on you. I would wait till after the divorceas doesn't the other party have to agree to the divorce and therefore agree tot he reasons?

SilkyBreeks · 12/04/2010 10:38

It's difficult but if he has moved to be near this woman surely he is intending to be with her long-term? In which case, I don't see what he hopes to achieve by keeping it a secret - will your daughter not work it out for herself eventually? Your ex sounds like a coward. I wouldn't worry too much about his family, though I would phone his sister back and ask if she needed you for something due to the missed call.

I know a family where dad's infidelity was kept a secret from the kids (who were teenagers at the time of the divorce). Mother was blamed for the marriage breaking up, both boys were pretty horrible to their mother for a decade or so until during a family row their stepfather dropped the bombshell about the real reasons for the divorce (which dad freely admitted when asked) - it caused them A LOT of heartache as they then felt guilty about treating their mum like they did. Eventually relations between all parties were better than before, but please think carefully about playing the villain out of some misguided sense of "protecting your children", who aren't even such little children. Family secrets are like a cancer and they will always break through eventually IME.

TheSteelFairy2 · 12/04/2010 10:41

They probably won't care or will find ways to rationalise it. You say they already have a low opinion of you so their reaction may end up hurting you more.

I would only say something if something along the lines of blame towards yourself is said. Otherwise keep you own council.

My FIL went on about their being fault on both sides when we split, after a few episodes of this I told him exactly what had gone with re to exh being repeatedly unfaithful, using prostitues, gambling and an alcoholic to boot, even then he said he couldn't blame ex because I was such a nag! So there you go.

Rockbird · 12/04/2010 10:47

So what do you tell the children if you don't let them know the truth? You don't want them to know that daddy had another woman, but you're happy for them to think that he left you because you were selfish and unsupportive? He is the one in the wrong here and I don't think you're doing the children any favours by lying to protect him. You aren't protecting them by doing that and one day they will find out, they always do. Then they'll resent that you didn't tell the truth. Although I would hold off for as bit, 2 weeks is very soon.

thumbwitch · 12/04/2010 10:48

one of the OP's children is 18 - do you not think s/he is old enough to be told the truth? do you not think s/he is old enough to be really pissed off that s/he isn't being told the truth? Cos I think s/he is.

howsaboutanamechange · 12/04/2010 10:52

This is a very difficult situation and although I would be very tempted to tell his family it could well backfire as he has already laid down the ground work by saying you are selfish and this could be his excuse for being driven into the ow arms so to speak.

However I am very much under the impression that children deserve to know the truth and that the two of you should sit down together and tell them. I say this from seeing my own family under the wrong impression - my dad xw left him for another man with the dc's (my halfs!) 3 years later after much trying to persuade her to try again for the sake of the dc's he met and then married my mother. xw got the house to live in with new dh, a massive settlement for the children and would say to my dad that it was imp for them to go to parties/ see friends and other family members at the weekends he was meant to have them. Consequently he didn't always see them as he wanted them to have a nice life and because their mum is manipulative in that way. They are still under the impression that dad left for my mum, counted the days after their marriage to when i was born (i was prem) nearly 40 years later. Am still shocked by it! He regrets not having been more forceful but think that possibly whatever he did then (or still does now) he would have been in the wrong and he was the injured party!

So I do think that telling them together would be a good start (the dc's) and frankly his family will find out about the ow over time. I would like to say that his family have played a dangerous game by writing a letter like that to him as what happens if you get back together?

Its just my opinion but I have seen years of heartbreak because everyone tried to cover things up and it affects my relationship with my siblings.

ClematisMontana · 12/04/2010 10:57

I think you should v calmly tell him to tell the truth to his family. By the end of the week.

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