to want to tell DH's family why he really left me?

[SpiritualKnot]

DH left me 2 weeks ago. He said it was coz he needed to think things over, best friend died 2 months before, we never did things together, wasn't how a marriage should be etc etc. I felt very sympathetic towards him, helped him find a place, look for furniture, very supportive, blaming myself.

Turns out he was and still is, having an affair with a work colleague. That's the real reason he's left.....he's moved to the same town where she lives. He only told me coz he wants me to file for divorce and when I spoke to a solicitor I realised I had to find reasons for the divorce and DH and I had to come up with reasons, and he told me.

His family don't know this, they think it's for the 1st set of reasons above. I've seen a note his mum wrote to him, mentioning how I'm selfish and how he's got to be careful as divorce is the leading cause of poverty. They think he's really suffering and I'm a cow.

Yesterday his sister phoned, I get caller alert on my phone and saw it was her so didn't pick up as I knew she was phoning in error. She didn't call back, but I'm thinking I could ring her back innocently. Should I ring back and assume she knows about this other woman (she doesn't). She would likely offer sympathy to me and I would say that infidelity in the workplace goes on and that it's a shame etc.

Or should I leave him guilt ridden and tortured about it all and hope that he feels duty bound to tell his family himself?

AIBU to want to say something?

SK

V hard.
Something similar is happening to a friend of mine.

But MHO is that if a man commits adultery and the marriage subsequently breaks down, then this should be sited on the divorce paperwork.

And the other woman should be named!

But I suppose you need to decide what is the best track to take.

Are you absolutely sure they don't know?

I hate to say, but it's perfectly possible he has fed them a line about his horrible mean wife forcing him into the arms of sympathetic colleague, and if that's the case you letting slip that he's having an affair won't pull quite the punch you hoped for.

I would say it very casually and move on immediately with the conversation as though they already knew such as "well it's never nice when a marriage breaks down because of infidelity, I'm just glad the dc's don't know yet, it would break their hearts as well. How are you all coping, I hope all of this isn't impacting on you to badly". it saves them having to say anything apologetic and stops the awkward moment where nobody says anything.

However, you have to be clear about your own motives. I personally would let it slip solely to stop myself becoming the "bad person" but would be very prepared to end up the bad wife who drove her husband away anyway.

If you are doing it solely to get revenge, you may be (as so many have already said) disappointed with their reaction.

As regards to your dc's which I know you haven't asked for any advice on. You know them best, but I always believe the truth handled in a delicate manner is always the right thing to do. I remember just before the break up of my parents marriage my dad took me around to meet his new baby (which my mum had no clue about - or at least that's what I thought)

Hi I'm back, just been cleaning.

I'm pretty sure his family don't know, his mum certainly won't. She's not coping with it v well apparently as she chucked her first husband out over 30 years ago and still feels guilty about it....they're a very guilt ridden, God fearing family.

I don't know, I'm slightly keen to tell my son, but feel as if his dad should say it. I've got an estate agent coming round soon, told the kids I'm planning on remortgaging, but really I need to know the value of the house for the solicitor.

If he tells anyone it'll be his sister that lives abroad,(she's not the one that phoned) she nearly had an affair a few years ago and told him all about that.

SK

I agree that your DC should be told the truth and that HE should be the one to tell them. He needs to do it soon and he needs to tell them that you didn't know untl yesterday (or whenever it was he told you), so they know that you didn't lie to them when you told them why he was moving out etc Honesty is really important for them.

SIL I would call her back and do as others have suggested. Drop it into a rolling conversation. 'Yes, I'm as well as can be expected, of course it was a shock yesterday to find out about the affair & how long it had been going on, especially having helped him find a flat etc, I feel awful that the children don't know yet, but I want to give him the chance to tell them himself - anyway, how are you...'

I would not make a point of phoning them up and telling them. However, if asked or if having any kind of contact with them I would tell them.

I won't lie for people and therefore if somebody started having a go, saying I was a selfish cow and it was my fault, I would put them right.

They are going to find out sooner or later that he is with this woman and will think "hmm that is all a bit soon" and will probably then put two and two together anyway.

Dont lie for him, that's for sure.

If he has (as it appears) left the OP to move in with or commit to the work colleage, then everyone's going to have to know anyway.
I do think that the OP is entitled to say to XH, look, we need to tell the DC the truth (in the most diplomatic way possible) can we do it together? And then ask him if he has told his family yet and if not that he should get on with it. Then SK can get on with sorting out the practicalities and moving forward.

I suppose if your dc's know then it does pave the way for the in laws to know too as they might be the ones to let it slip.

Being honest is imp in this situation I think.

Is there no chance of reconciliation? Do you even want it? because if you do and you go to the inlaws and bitch it puts you on the back burner again.

So sorry for you.

Haven't phoned her. Funny enough, spoke with him today and she didn't phone him last night after she'd rung here, so maybe she did want to talk with me. Or maybe it's too expensive for her to call his mobile?

Asked him today if she knew, he saw her a few weeks and he says she has an "inkling", so sounds like he has said something to her or she has guessed?

Haven't had a call today or this evening. He has told daughter that he's not coming back, so she knows that much anyway.

SK

hi Doodley, Don't think reconcilliation will happen, this new girl is the same age as I was when we got married (29), and he's moaned for a good few years about how all his mates have younger wives whilst he's got an older one, he's 39 (I'm 8 years older, but he always says I'm 10 years older)

SK

gosh, what a knob. for you SK.

SK - your daughter needs to find out I think. My dad had an affair which came to light when I was about 14, and my brother about 11. My parents ultimately stayed together, but there was a year when my mum was very depressed, very shouty, and quite frankly an utter nightmare to live with. In the end I told my brother why, because he was starting to favour dad, and I thought that was unfair on mum. Not saying you will be an utter nightmare to live with of course but it's unreasonable to expect your behaviour will be completely unchanged, and the last thing you want is for your daughter to end up resenting you.

SK - can you explain why your DD will be more devastated to learn that your H has a new gf than that he has just left and isn't coming back? I can't understand why it would be any worse for her to know that there is a 3rd party - at least then there would be a concrete reason for her dad leaving, as opposed to some ephemeral situation that could leave your DD wondering if it's somehow her fault?

I'm not trying to be combative, I would genuinely like to know in what way it would be worse for her to know about the gf.

I do agree he should be the one to tell the DC though, or preferably that you do it together (so you know what he actually tells them)

FFS. Don't be the bad guy.

Tell everyone what the hell is going on.

I understand just how you feel.
I found out my exdh was having an affair with one of the sixth form girls he taught. It was a week before christmas and my beautiful baby was 18 months old.

I felt like my whole world was shattered and everything changed for me. It was such a hard time.

However, I coudln't tell anyone because he would have gone to jail and I think it would have affected ds too much so I only told my side and they gave me enough support.

His side of the family treated me like a pariah and never spoke to me again. We have been together ten years and you might have thought they would show some sympathy or had a little thought about actually why we had split up, but they probably just put it down to him marrying too young 25?! or some rubbish. They still think the sun shines out his arse.

So what I can say is that I'm glad I kept my dignity. Blood is thicker than water, they probably don't care why their darling son/brother/ etc treated his wife in such a horrendous way (and his child for that matter. They certainly wouldn't have taken my side over his. People can be very forgiving when its not their problem!

I too felt guilty for ages thinking if I hadn't been a bit down after the baby, or hadn't put weight on or blah blah blah he wouldn't have strayed, but its all bullshit in the end.

The truth will come out. You don't have to be the one to say it necessarily. You probably won't get the response you are looking for and you've been hurt enough, look for support from your own camp.

One day my ds will ask me why daddy and I split up. When he's old enough to get his head round it - do I tell him then? How will he view his dad? How will he view me? Time is a strange thing - the consequences of our actions can last a long time.

he's maonaed for a few years about how his mates all have younger wives...

what an idiot, fgs what a total idiot

Couldn't agree more, sounds like you are well shot of him tbh, but what you don't want is to be made to feel guilty that you have done something to drive him away and that is why I think your dc's should know and agree that telling together is the best option. This way you won't have to worry about what he is saying to them about why he has left for another woman.

TBH his family are likely to stick by him, it is rare cases when they don't really (although I do know of one case where they are all thinking a friends dh is bonkers!), but I think it is more important for you to consider your dc in this than worry about what his family think of you. If your children know the truth then they will be able to put the IL's straight if they start coming up for reasons to the split. they will love and admire your dignity, and if the inlaws are cocks then your dc can make their own mind up about it. Lets hope that your dh's family don't do things like this!

In my situation - ex left for my best friend who also happened to be married - even though his very religious parents were embarrassed because of his affair and both of them taking off together - when it came down to it - he was still their son and I was a bitch he just could not bear to live with anymore - thereby totally absolving him of his adultery in their eyes. He was going to leave anyway and so the fact he ran off with this married woman was irrelevant.

leave it be for now - take time to get your head around it. I would mention it to your children as I believe they deserve the truth but leave it there. Let their father tell his family etc.

fwiw - my ex to this day thinks he did nothing wrong - I was a bitch - my best friend wasn't - so he made the right choice.

Most advice says don't say anything, rise above it. That is probably what you should do. I would let the family know. I would write a short, factual letter, letting them know the legal reason for the divorce and the reason behind the move. Don't take my advice.

eidsvold, how do you get over that, if you dh leaves you usually turn to your best friend, if he leaves with her wtf do you do? But you are so right about the family, most family love is unconditional and however it ended he will always find a way to make it not his fault blah blah blah. I expect they feel guilty about it but they aren't going to do much. So sorry for you.

As long as your children know the real story then I think that is all you can do. what you don't want (I expect) if for a rift to come between father and dc's as that kind of bitterness can be quite hard to overcome.

I feel awful for all of you guys I really do.

thumbwitch - you ask why OP's DD will be more devastated to know about the girlfriend. I've been in this situation as a child and it is far easier to cope with fact that your mum and dad aren't going to live together any more but life will continue as normal in that you live at home as normal, but you get to see your dad loads and just you and him but everything is normal. Quite fun really - we saw far more of our dad once they got divorced.

Different kettle of fish altogether to bring in another woman. Then the DCs will feel jealous that in fact their dad wanted to be with someone else other than them. When they meet this person and maybe she and their dad move in togheter then things WON'T carry on as normal. Their time with their dad will involve this other woman too and that will be very different. There will then be feeling of guilt ... they'll feel guilty if they have a nice time, they'll feel they can't tell their mum about it even if she is fine with ex-DH and other woman. It is very difficult. Plus she's only 29 and might want children of her own ... they'll think through all of this and to be honest, it is FAR too much for them to have to deal with right now when they're still reeling from the fact their dad has left only 2 weeks ago.

So in summary, I agree with OP that they don't need to be told right now. They don't ever need to know that their dad had an affair. Why should they????? Unless their dad starts feeding them lies about how mean their own mum is and how the split is all her fault, only that would justify telling them IMO.

And it shoudl be their dad that tells them and introduces them to this woman.

thanks for the info wishingchair - I guess that is the opposite of what I thought it would be like but having no experience of the situation I am grateful for yours.

I still think the 18yo should be told sooner rather than later though (although I agree more about the little one not being told after your comments)

I wouldn't tell his family even though his deception is wrong in so many ways. However, I've learnt (as if I needed to) that blood is always thicker than water and that families will always close in around their own. If necessary deceiving themselves about the reality of a split-up. It is for your former husband to tell the children although I can't see how he plans to keep things secret for long with another woman on the scene. Your 18 year old probably has her suspicions already. But I agree with wishingchair, it is for their father to tell them and introduce them to her.

doodleydo - thankfully I had other friends and a very close family member who were able to support me. I also thanked and still do thank god that I no longer have to put up with his mother ( mum's boy who could do no wrong!)

They are still together and I ran into them about 14 years after this happened and I just laughed - cause they had changed to much ( for the worse - not bitchy just facts) and the fact he glared at me with such an angry face made me look again and wonder what this bloke's problem was - then it dawned on me who it was. I saw two ppl beaten down by life and I thanked god that it was not me. I have a fabulous dh and three fabulous girls. I now know I would not have had the life I have had if we had stayed together and when seeing them all this time later made me see what sort of life I would have had - made me appreciate what a lucky escape I had made. As to the best friend - well she wasn't really was she.

Thankfully there were no children and so I never ever had to have contact with either of them again. I was very upset when it happened and felt doubly betrayed but when his mother threatened to take me to court over some trivial bullshit that would have been laughed out of court and wrote threatening letters to my mother then I realised how low they would sink (and that the IL's would always support him no matter what- added to the lies they spread around friends and acquaintances about me!)and was determined to just get on with it.

I have been reading this, wondering what I would do if I were the mother of a man who did this, just to work out for myself whether blood does really trump everything.

I hope I would have the character to tell my son off for his actions, but to not cut him off or continue to "punish" him. This is loving the sinner, hating the sin, and also trying to give him the chance to revert to being the man I thought I had brought up.

However, even if the family does do this, there is a chance they will not want to damage their ongoing relationship with their son by telling you what they have told him, so you may never know that they have backed your right... except in the absence of ongoing bitching against you.

Yet these are idealistic musings, and it sounds as though the family is not up for these. Try not to be disappointed, no matter what they say or do, and be wary of what they say to your DCs in the future. Sorry to be so pessimistic, but this is how it seems to me... (cynical idealist, eh?)