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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to disagree with SIL that DD is nasty and violent?

81 replies

DitzWithTheTits · 10/04/2010 12:14

Regular but name-changed.

I'm really upset, need opinions.

DH and I went to visit my brother last weekend with DD(6) and DS(8). Cousins are 9 and 7. They were playing out in the garden and we were all nearby but not actually watching. They were playing some kind of team game in groups of two, the younger two cousins against the older two. We heard a scream and went out to find that DD had thrown a rock at C2 (the 7-year-old) from the top of the climbing frame. I feel absolutely sick about this. He needed 3 stitches in his head (!) and DH locked DD in the car while we all went to A&E.

DD claims they were all playing a game and that she was trying to protect her cousin and to hit her brother (!). She initially seemed to think she was in trouble for hitting the cousin when he was on her side. They had all been playing with the pile of rocks in the garden (all 4 children admit this, they're not out-of-bounds to my nephews).

My SIL is furious. I completely understand. But I don't know if DD really understood what she'd done.

AIBU to think that, at 6, she didn't fully understand how badly she could have hurt her cousin? She seems to have had no idea that throwing something from the top of the climbing frame would hit very hard. Obviously my SIL is right to be really furious but she (and my DH) think that DD was being deliberately bad and violent towards her cousin. I can't help thinking that if she'd thrown the sort of things they play with at home at him (eg. a ball), he'd have been fine and that she doesn't understand the difference. Or am I just making excuses for DD?

OP posts:

maduggar · 10/04/2010 12:18

I think its probably somewhere between the two. She probably had more understanding than you give her credit for, but I dont think she is particulalrly as nasty as they make out either.

Am a bit worried about her being locked in a car though - was that her punishment? How long was she there and was she totally alone?

VinegarTitsOnaDiet · 10/04/2010 12:19

your dh locked her in the car?

Im sure your dd had no intention of hurting her cousin, did your sil actually say she is nasty and violent?

mangoandlime · 10/04/2010 12:19

Oh, how upsetting for all of you. I think your DD probably bacame caught up in the madness of the game and did it without thinking. That said I maybe would have expected a six year old to know the consequences of throwing a rock at someone (brother or cousin!) from a height. I can see why your SIL is furious and I think she does actually have a bit of a point.

nowherewoman · 10/04/2010 12:21

I would think that at that age she wouldn't have known the real danger of doing that. Presumably she doesn't make a habit of it?
I wouldn't be happy about her being labelled nasty and violent!
Was she left on her own locked in the car at home? I'm assuming I've misunderstood that bit?

AmandaCooper · 10/04/2010 12:21

Two incidents from my own childhood spring to mind. One, where my sister and I and two friends had a "war" in a field near our house, fighting each other with tools taken from my friend's dad's garage. Result: one slightly concussed child hit on the head with a hammer and one with a massive cut above the ear from a garden scythe (me). Lunacy I know.

The other, I once threw a small soft ball of putty from the top floor of our house at my friend below thinking it would be funny for it to bounce off her head and surprise her. Obviously after falling three floors the impact was slightly more violent than I had intended and my friend was quite badly injured - and her mother non too pleased!

Conclusion: it's probably nothing to worry about!

SuperflousBuns · 10/04/2010 12:21

Would be more worried about DD being locked in the car to be honest.

Your daughter probably was'nt being nasty,just playing, but you know how it is when someone hurts your child.

soapboxqueen · 10/04/2010 12:22

There is a good possibility that at 6 she couldn't see the consequences of her actions. Talk with her to make sure she understands why it was dangerous and why her aunt etc are upset. However, unless there has been a pattern of violent behaviour I think it's a bit strong to be labelling her. Were the others throwing rocks also?

gorionine · 10/04/2010 12:23

I do understand where you are comming from: idiot thing to do Yes but not malicious per se as the intention of being bad was not there.

I had a similar experience with my brother at a family do. We were in a restaurant (outside) and there were a couple of swings. Ds2 (6 atthe time) wacked the swing in direction of Ds3 (3 at the time) for him to catch it, not to hurt him but my brother shouted at him like he had almost killed his brother (I should add that DS3 was not even touched by the swing) and to this day thinks DS2 is a bit of a loon for having done it.

I have explaines on the dpot to DS2 that it could have been very dangerous and he has never done it again. I am pretty sure that if you calmly explain the consequences (although in your case she has witnedssed them first hand) chances are she will not do that again. all part of learning IMHO veray sad that her DC had it so bad though. I admit that in your SIL's place I would probably overreact for a bit , until I calm down a bit.

Original poster

DitzWithTheTits · 10/04/2010 12:24

Vinegar, she was only in there for half an hour or so while we got SIL and DN off to A&E. I think DH just told her she had been very naughty and needed to sit and calm down. We did all go out together to see fireworks after DN came back from A&E and we took her out (this is partly why SIL is cross - she wanted us to leave DD at theirs with one of us).

I am sure she understood quite a lot but I think she seemed utterly shocked that she'd made him bleed.

OP posts:

Original poster

DitzWithTheTits · 10/04/2010 12:25

soapboxqueen, I don't think the others were throwing rocks, no! We were keeping an eye on them. But then, at home we don't leave piles of rocks to be used as toys, either.

OP posts:

VinegarTitsOnaDiet · 10/04/2010 12:25

i think locking a 6 yr old in a car for half and hour is bang out of order tbh

MrsVidic · 10/04/2010 12:26

Amanda has put it brilliantly- however- I would give your SIL time to deal with things- part of her anger is probably her own guilt that it happened in her house with her rocks.

purplehat · 10/04/2010 12:26

My answer is....that it very much depends on the 6 year old actually.
It's an age at which their awareness of danger/safety can really vary so I don't really think it's fair for us to say either way.

How did she react when she saw how badly her cousin was hurt? If she reacted with shock and distress then I would say that her awareness of safety stuff is still developing. If she reacted with indifference and/or defiance then I would be a bit concerned....

Totally and utterly inappropriate to lock her in a car though. In my opinion you need to explore your OWN understanding of safety awareness and appropriate ways of managing behaviour there

crumpette · 10/04/2010 12:29

Ouch for the 7yo but I don't think you're making excuses for your DD. I think she probably didn't realise how dangerous it was. Make her apologise in some way to cousin, and tell SIL that she did not understand the consequences of her actions and did not realise it could really hurt anyone. Then hopefully she will never do anything like it again. If there has been a pattern of violent behaviour though I'd have big concerns and a different approach.

Original poster

DitzWithTheTits · 10/04/2010 12:29

purplehat, she was shocked. She burst into tears, but she is at least partly upset because he was on her 'side' in the game!

She was perfectly ok in the car, she just needed somewhere to sit and be quiet and I think SIL didn't want her in the house (she was, naturally, seething).

OP posts:

nowherewoman · 10/04/2010 12:30

What you really locked her in a car on her own while you went out?

CoupleofKooks · 10/04/2010 12:32

i would be surprised that a 6 year old wouldn't know this was very dangerous tbh
i am perfectly prepared to believe that she wasn't being malicious or meaning to hurt him, but it seems quite old to me to be unaware of the danger of throwing rocks at someone's head?

crumpette · 10/04/2010 12:34

re locking in car, I remember an incident where I was locked in a car when I was 3, it must have been on a slope and I jumped around in the drivers seat and fiddled with the handbrake and it suddenly rolled down and crashed into a wall in front! I was alright, car was not. Not safe to leave children in cars and if anyone had seen there's a risk of them informing police etc.

soapboxqueen · 10/04/2010 12:39

From what you are saying I really don't think she expected to hurt her cousin. SIL has every right to be upset but not wanting her in the house is a bit much. If that is the case then I think she is over reacting.

IngridFletcher · 10/04/2010 12:40

I remember my Dad telling me he did something similar to another child at about that age. They were playing wars in the woods and he chucked a brick at him and cut his head open. It was a case of not really intending to aim for him and also not fully realising the possible serious outcome. That child's mum was less than chuffed too!

PixieOnaLeaf · 10/04/2010 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Jux · 10/04/2010 12:45

My brothers and I were playing in the garden; we were being The Avengers (the originals). I was Emma Peel and my little bro was John Steed. My big bro was a big bad scary monster. The monster got me. John Steed rushed round the side of the house, picked up a piece of coal from the coal frame and ran back, threw the coal at the monster. The monster had Emma in his clutches, saw something flying towards him and put something in the way of it to protect himself. That something was Emma Peel.

My front teeth, just grown, were broken. My parents were furious. My brothers were sent to their hot, stuffy rooms for the rest of that glorious summer afternoon.

Whose fault was it? No one intended to actually hurt anyone else. We were all just caught up in the game. We were about the same ages as your lot.

Your dd will remember in future battles that some things hurt in real life, and so will all the others. She is not a nasty violent child. Her imagination got the better of her, that's all.

breastfeedingquestion · 10/04/2010 12:45

Poor little girl, she probably feels horrible enough about making him bleed without being left alone in the car for half an hour.

Were you really ok with that? That's far worse than what the six year old did, she may well not have realised that what she did was wrong til she saw the consequences but I would expect the adults to know better.

Shame on your DH and his sister for the way they behaved.

Original poster

DitzWithTheTits · 10/04/2010 12:47

Ok, I should come clean!

CONFESSION: This was actually me, about 20 years ago. I think back then the child-in-car was less likely to worry people. I thought I ought to confess now since people seemed to be getting worried about it.

I put this on AIBU because my aunt is still quite angry about this incident and I wondered how other people would have seen it. I don't remember what happened very well but I do remember being so shocked that I'd hurt my cousin and terribly scared being in the car (but then I had most certainly done wrong, and I think people made less of a big deal about leaving children in cars then). It's an incident that always gets mentioned at family events and I wondered what parents on here would think.

OP posts:

breastfeedingquestion · 10/04/2010 12:48

Right, I've re-read it, sorry, SIL is your brothers wife.

You all went to A and E and left a 6 year old in the car alone?

You are freaking mad, either that or you're trolling, either way I'm pretty disgusted.

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